Ahh...... so we're going to take a break from my sharing about *being* gay and have a wee conversation about what that actually means - in real time, since I'm living it....
And clearly - based on the card to the Right - we're going to have a small conversation about what words are *not* okay to use around me.....
Sure sure... some of you don't need this.... however, some people around me are *clearly* in need of a gentle (and yes, public) reminder that using gay epithets are not a good idea. Not now... not *ever*. Period. Only I'm going to do the thing I do with my *children* and I'm not just going to say 'don't do that' - but I'm going to qualify that request with some facts and feelings that represent all the reasons *why* one shouldn't use those words around me anymore.
fag /fag/
Noun
In the first place, I do not actually "identify" as gay, personally. This is somewhat confusing, however, when I'm talking to people outside of the LGBTQ community, I use "gay" because people know it means I like girls. However, for some within my community the use of "gay" refers mainly to homosexual men. For instance, a "gay" bar is open for all people within the LGBTQ community but mostly men will go there, but for those us of seeking the company of *only* women, I look for a lesbian/dyke bar or event. There's is *nothing* is wrong with being gay - nothing at all. But I look at it like this, I'm not *just* gay - I'm a lesbian.... it's kind of a pride thing. Like, if I were a doctor (which clearly I'm not) - I would probably tell you what kind of doctor I was, right? It's something like that.... *******
As such, I identify as a lesbian or a dyke. Using such terminology, the use of the word "fag" really doesn't apply to me as it is predominantly a slang/cruel word used against gay men. However, aside from that fact that I stand (proudly) beside my gay/transgender male counterparts, "Fag" is also something often yelled at 'butch' lesbians.
A 'butch' lesbian is one who likes to dress (predominately) in male clothes and usually appear very masculine in public. It's not uncommon for butch lesbians to be called "fags".... and since I have a *very* soft spot for butch girls..... I don't like the word 'fag' used in my company unless you're from the UK and you're buying a pack of cigarette's.
And clearly - based on the card to the Right - we're going to have a small conversation about what words are *not* okay to use around me.....
Sure sure... some of you don't need this.... however, some people around me are *clearly* in need of a gentle (and yes, public) reminder that using gay epithets are not a good idea. Not now... not *ever*. Period. Only I'm going to do the thing I do with my *children* and I'm not just going to say 'don't do that' - but I'm going to qualify that request with some facts and feelings that represent all the reasons *why* one shouldn't use those words around me anymore.
fag /fag/
Noun
- offensive. A male homosexual.
- A cigarette.
In the first place, I do not actually "identify" as gay, personally. This is somewhat confusing, however, when I'm talking to people outside of the LGBTQ community, I use "gay" because people know it means I like girls. However, for some within my community the use of "gay" refers mainly to homosexual men. For instance, a "gay" bar is open for all people within the LGBTQ community but mostly men will go there, but for those us of seeking the company of *only* women, I look for a lesbian/dyke bar or event. There's is *nothing* is wrong with being gay - nothing at all. But I look at it like this, I'm not *just* gay - I'm a lesbian.... it's kind of a pride thing. Like, if I were a doctor (which clearly I'm not) - I would probably tell you what kind of doctor I was, right? It's something like that.... *******
As such, I identify as a lesbian or a dyke. Using such terminology, the use of the word "fag" really doesn't apply to me as it is predominantly a slang/cruel word used against gay men. However, aside from that fact that I stand (proudly) beside my gay/transgender male counterparts, "Fag" is also something often yelled at 'butch' lesbians.
A 'butch' lesbian is one who likes to dress (predominately) in male clothes and usually appear very masculine in public. It's not uncommon for butch lesbians to be called "fags".... and since I have a *very* soft spot for butch girls..... I don't like the word 'fag' used in my company unless you're from the UK and you're buying a pack of cigarette's.
So, the kids and I were at an event and there was a card given from one male friend to another (both were straight). Someone commented on what it said, and the person giving the card said, "Well, I'm clearly not "that way"" - and pointed at their kids.
Sigh.
In the first place... *plenty* of people within the LGBTQ community have kids. Having kids does not make you "clearly" anyway.
For instance... I'm a lesbian and I have kids... in fact - being married didn't actually stop me from *being* gay - it simply kept me from acting on it. EVER. But, that act alone never changed me. Praying didn't change me. Sleeping with boys didn't change me.... having my children doesn't make me less gay: it didn't change me.
Anyhow... everyone laughed and the card was placed on the table. No one said anything else. And, me....?
I said nothing at all... what was I going to say?
The card wasn't meant for me.... and I know the person giving the card didn't mean anything offensive by addressing to the other person with the word "FAG" ... however.... it still hurts.
It hurts because tolerance needs to be *more* that just something we do when no one is looking.... it needs to be acceptance and understanding and *support* that we provide to the people in our lives even when they aren't around... or even when we're making a joke.
For instance, I haven't ONCE gone back on my deal with La Novia. If my friends start to say something nasty about her - I shut that sh*t down. I was serious.... she's one of the family - and I will defend her, talk nice about her, show her kindness and full acceptance - which *also* means full support. AT. ALL. TIMES.
Doing this has provided the children a *safe* place to develop a relationship with her because they aren't hearing me tell their Dad one thing and then talking a different way back home.
Nope.
Never.
Not Gonna. Happen.
So..... let's see... if *I* can show that kind of kindness and tolerance and acceptance to the woman who had an affair with my husband (and yes... even though I was a lesbian, that all still counts - to both El Capitan AND myself.... more on that later, I promise) - then I sure as sh*t would think that people who are supposed to matter to me in *MY* life could stop using gay slurs in my presence.
This isn't too much to ask for .... and now everyone in my life is on warning: Don't Do It Again.
It's not okay.
It's not funny.
It's not going to be tolerated..... and why?
Sigh.
In the first place... *plenty* of people within the LGBTQ community have kids. Having kids does not make you "clearly" anyway.
For instance... I'm a lesbian and I have kids... in fact - being married didn't actually stop me from *being* gay - it simply kept me from acting on it. EVER. But, that act alone never changed me. Praying didn't change me. Sleeping with boys didn't change me.... having my children doesn't make me less gay: it didn't change me.
Anyhow... everyone laughed and the card was placed on the table. No one said anything else. And, me....?
I said nothing at all... what was I going to say?
The card wasn't meant for me.... and I know the person giving the card didn't mean anything offensive by addressing to the other person with the word "FAG" ... however.... it still hurts.
It hurts because tolerance needs to be *more* that just something we do when no one is looking.... it needs to be acceptance and understanding and *support* that we provide to the people in our lives even when they aren't around... or even when we're making a joke.
For instance, I haven't ONCE gone back on my deal with La Novia. If my friends start to say something nasty about her - I shut that sh*t down. I was serious.... she's one of the family - and I will defend her, talk nice about her, show her kindness and full acceptance - which *also* means full support. AT. ALL. TIMES.
Doing this has provided the children a *safe* place to develop a relationship with her because they aren't hearing me tell their Dad one thing and then talking a different way back home.
Nope.
Never.
Not Gonna. Happen.
So..... let's see... if *I* can show that kind of kindness and tolerance and acceptance to the woman who had an affair with my husband (and yes... even though I was a lesbian, that all still counts - to both El Capitan AND myself.... more on that later, I promise) - then I sure as sh*t would think that people who are supposed to matter to me in *MY* life could stop using gay slurs in my presence.
This isn't too much to ask for .... and now everyone in my life is on warning: Don't Do It Again.
It's not okay.
It's not funny.
It's not going to be tolerated..... and why?
Because THIS is the face of a "FAG".
This is the face and the family of a lesbian. It actually takes * A LOT* to come out. It hasn't been an "easy" decision - and yes, I do worry about what will be said to my kids..... however, I shouldn't have to worry about what is said in front of them in our inner circle.
This should be a safe place for them... for their view of their mother and how that will reflect on their view of themselves. Even if it involves people who love us.... actually *especially* if it involves people who love us..... it just can't happen.
If you use "FAG" and that is "bad" and that label then gets assigned to ME because I'm gay.... then you're telling them that I'm bad.... and by default - children will think *they* are bad.
This is a no bueno.
Not. Gonna. Happen.
I know....I know... no one 'meant' anything by it.... it was a joke.
However.... this is my life, this is my journey and being a lesbian is a part of it..... a HUGE part of it.... and it's not a joke.
Labels are funny things.... there is a lot of pressure with the LGBTQ community to stop using labels for ourselves because, for many people, sexuality is a journey that can change over time and having labels can be confusing.... there was a time when calling someone a "dyke" was a bad thing however within our community it is a term of strength - hence the Dykes on Bikes who ride in every town during Pride.....
No one, however.... will be re-claiming "FAG" into the accepted terminology within our community and *you* (general population) shouldn't be using it either.... because *even* if it's just a joke... it's not: it's a put down. It's said in a manner that is a derogatory term and let me be clear..... PLENTY of people are total asswh*les based on their behavior and what they do to people.... but the simple *act* of loving someone who is of the same sex is *not* such an act and there should NEVER EVER EVER be placed on the same level..... because may be that person is "fine" with it... may be they don't care... but other people - perhaps that persons children are listening and they won't know the difference... they won't get the joke: they only hear the negative.
They only hear the negative about someone they love.... and they deserve better than that.
We all do.........
In other news..... you can see me shrinking just a *weeeee* bit more... hooray! And you can also see that the kids and I had a *very* good time visiting Seattle..... and I even sacked up went on the Ferris Wheel (I'm scared of heights) - and we had a wonderful weekend..... truly. Life is good.
******It's super important to say that you speak in stereotypes and labels and generalizations, you cannot be talking in specifics. This are ideas/ideals that are "generally" understood to be one way or another.
This is the face and the family of a lesbian. It actually takes * A LOT* to come out. It hasn't been an "easy" decision - and yes, I do worry about what will be said to my kids..... however, I shouldn't have to worry about what is said in front of them in our inner circle.
This should be a safe place for them... for their view of their mother and how that will reflect on their view of themselves. Even if it involves people who love us.... actually *especially* if it involves people who love us..... it just can't happen.
If you use "FAG" and that is "bad" and that label then gets assigned to ME because I'm gay.... then you're telling them that I'm bad.... and by default - children will think *they* are bad.
This is a no bueno.
Not. Gonna. Happen.
I know....I know... no one 'meant' anything by it.... it was a joke.
However.... this is my life, this is my journey and being a lesbian is a part of it..... a HUGE part of it.... and it's not a joke.
Labels are funny things.... there is a lot of pressure with the LGBTQ community to stop using labels for ourselves because, for many people, sexuality is a journey that can change over time and having labels can be confusing.... there was a time when calling someone a "dyke" was a bad thing however within our community it is a term of strength - hence the Dykes on Bikes who ride in every town during Pride.....
No one, however.... will be re-claiming "FAG" into the accepted terminology within our community and *you* (general population) shouldn't be using it either.... because *even* if it's just a joke... it's not: it's a put down. It's said in a manner that is a derogatory term and let me be clear..... PLENTY of people are total asswh*les based on their behavior and what they do to people.... but the simple *act* of loving someone who is of the same sex is *not* such an act and there should NEVER EVER EVER be placed on the same level..... because may be that person is "fine" with it... may be they don't care... but other people - perhaps that persons children are listening and they won't know the difference... they won't get the joke: they only hear the negative.
They only hear the negative about someone they love.... and they deserve better than that.
We all do.........
In other news..... you can see me shrinking just a *weeeee* bit more... hooray! And you can also see that the kids and I had a *very* good time visiting Seattle..... and I even sacked up went on the Ferris Wheel (I'm scared of heights) - and we had a wonderful weekend..... truly. Life is good.
******It's super important to say that you speak in stereotypes and labels and generalizations, you cannot be talking in specifics. This are ideas/ideals that are "generally" understood to be one way or another.
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