So I got this comment today:
last year I wrote to you and expressed some feelings to you---you blasted me but its ok----I told you you were wrong in pushing a relationship with the ow and el capitan,neither has the maturity for a relationship never mind parenting--people who lie and cheat have no morals or compassion---he really acted so mean to you and to abandon 2 kids is unforgivable-------I also said that she was afraid of the crazy wife as he im sure described you to her----he placated you all the time and you fell for it---he made sure you never gave out their identity and information about the affair,he was sure you would protect his ass-----YOU ALWAYS GAVE HIM A PASS<ALWAYS_----HE WAS LIKE YOUR 3 CHILD THE ONE YOU NEEDED TO PROTECT----I told you that the incident in the car with your son was going to be a problem emotionally for your son later on in life---this is the time the jerk did not want your son to go up to his hotel room,yelled at him,scared the shit out of him and all your son did was cry and cry and the jerk left your son out there crying --what a jerk he is----I also described to you how the ow abused my children---SOFTLY,SHE KILLED THEIR SPIRIT SOFTLY----no one saw it only my kids----they are still in therapy and the scars are deep---my fault because I wanted them to be with their father,little did I know that he never paid attention to them and she was doing her THING,SHE WAS KILLING MY KIDS SOFTLY----I will never forgive myself---I should have never insisted in the being together ----my children eventually refused to go see their father and he blamed me for it----my children have no contact with him as stipulated by the court and psychologist----you can imagine what my children have said behind closed doors and I will never know----we are happy alone just the 5 of us and I am enough for them---I have told them this is it this is what life has given us and we deal with it,no fantasies about "family"--WE ARE FAMILY,JUSY US---el capitan controls you emotionally he only tells you whay he knows you want to hear---he is not honest remember he is a cheater,he knows how to play the game,but he is not your friend or a partner in co parenting---he is just playing you---he always protectedla novia from you and he is still doing it---ELLE PLEASE WAKE UP AND SAVE YOUR CHILDREN FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE___your son is already asking you to save him and you need to listen to him,dad yells and curses at us WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED_____I MISSED THE SIGNS,PLEASE SAVE YOUR CHILDREN AND GET THEM AWAY FROM THOSE TWO LOW LIFE ANIMALS__if he wants to see them then he sees them in your home----THEY DO NOT WANT YOU IN THEIR LIVES SO WHY DO YOU INSIST___HIDING IN THE BATHROOM___AND OF COURSE THE CHEATER GOES ALONG WITH IT___HE IS PROBABLY THE ONE TELLING HER TO DO IT____WAKE UP----AND WE ALL AGREE IT IS TIME TO POST TGEIR PICTURES<NAMES AND ALL ABOUT THR BETRAYAL____THEY ARE THE BAD GUYS NOT YOU____BUT YOU DO KNOW THAT THEY WILL SMEAR YOUR NAME AS THEY ARE DOING NOW--STOP TELLING THAT CHEATER ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND YOUR SECRETS___CUT TIES WITH HIM___YOU NEED TO LET GO OF HIM____YOU HAVE NOT__STOP TALKING TO HIM ONLY YOUR KIDS HAVE TO TALK TO HIM TELL HIM TO SEND YOU E_MAILS- STOP TRYING TO BE MISS GOODY TWO SHOES___BE THE BITCH THAT YOU ARE___YOU ARE WOMAN AN AWESOME CREATURE
I do remember the comment made last year (not quite last year, but I think perhaps last April?) - and I *did* try to use the search feature on the website to find the original comment that she made that she references, but I couldn't find it..... but if memory serves - Jules warning me *against* trying for La Novia to have a relationship with/meet the kids.... and yes, I believe that I totally disagreed with her - to the point where I believe that my point was that *if* I as kind enough and open enough and forgiving enough.... that *we* would all come through this - together somehow. Or, perhaps not 'together'.... but functional as a new 'family set-up' for the kids.
Well.... clearly: I was wrong.
I was wrong and Jules was/is right.
The reality is, however, regardless of what does or does not go on at their Dad's house - the children will have to go to their Dad's as per our custody agreement. Period. I would have to have mounds and mounds of 'proof' of wrong doing/neglect/etc... and at the end of the day - cursing and being an ass to your kids is not reason enough for a court to remove or reduce a parents visitation.
Fuck.... if we're talking about cursing - I'm in trouble. lol... mind you - I don't really curse *at* my kids - though.... and it *pains* me to admit this, but since The Boy has been bringing up how often and how much El Capitan curses at/around them - it's caused an automatic reduction in the amount that I do it.
We even have a curse jar.
Yup.... I said it. A curse jar.
Thankfully that jar doesn't have eyes and I can still write whatever I want on The Blog.
*This* week, however..... The Boy AND The Girl have both been saying cryptic things and about how "Daddy doesn't do that" or "Daddy doesn't do this......." - and upon a little of asking (ASKING not prodding) - The Girl told us that Daddy told them not to "tell Mommy when he uses naughty words".
This comes directly *after* I waited several rough visits to mention to him that a few 'things' probably needed to change between him and the kids..... and it got me that.
So yes.... JULES. You are/were right.
I will no longer 'encourage' anything..... if they see La Novia: cool. If they don't.... fine.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that I was putting them in harms way.... I totally did that. I send them over there - pumped up with hope and openness and willingness and it's getting slammed in their faces - and El Capitan doesn't GET THAT.... so their behavior takes a serious nose dive and he responds by screaming at them to "go to [their] fucking room"......
I've done that. Me. And .... *Rest assured* - that I won't be doing that anymore.
Am I going to "poison" them against anyone?
Am I going to turn their hearts hard and bitter?
But..... I *AM* going to start being waaaaaay more honest in answers that are *Asked* for.
I'm also going to stop wasting my time.
I've put waaaaaaay too much time and energy into the collective relationships rather than in the ones in *THIS* house..... I've quire literally been drowning in the tsunami of anger and denial and waves of hope and trying and .... and .... and.... it's all for nothing.
It's time for me to focus 100% on ME and them.
On the two of them together as siblings..... and on the four of US as a family....
La Novia's family is *her* problem.... and my kids are clearly not apart of that. Melissa commented that it was a bit unfair for me to want to 'take over' La Novia's holiday - which I actually think is a totally valid point.
However, invitations to dinner were turned down for selfish/stupid/douchey reasons - NOT because she's looking forward to donning an apron and cracking eggs for stuffing with The Girl in her own kitchen.... THAT I coudl totally respect. (and... had actually hoped for).
Instead.... there are no more trips to the zoo. No more craft days or afternoons spent coloring.... it's swimming and the park and yelling and them "not behaving" and yelling and fighting and the kids living in a place where they are made to feel like guests.... how do I know this?
I wrote months ago about how La Novia was putting together a "behavior chart" for their place and I asked for a copy of the same "rules" at my house to support the whole thing.... I never got my copy.
Anyhow.... rule number two is "Five when people arrive."
Which means.... when *anyone* comes into that house - the children are supposed to give them five minutes to collect themselves and relax before the children "jump all over" them (El Capitan' words) - or talk to them etc...... which is bullshit.
The good PARENT looks forward to that moment when they walk in the door from a day at work and their kids come running up to them with the joy and excitement that only children have.... and yammer on about the day and want hugs.....
Note: I said *PARENTS*...... sadly - it's clear that my children don't have 'parents' in their Father's home, they have 'roommates'..... and that sucks.
They are not the center of that home... they are annoying little guests who run too much, yell too loud (it's an apartment, El Capitan reminds me!), who doesn't listen and knock over wine glasses left by the couch and throw balls onto glass candle holders that break and they just need to "chill out".... and give these 'adults' "Five when people arrive"......
But when we start telling the children that a 'sock on the door means don't come in'..... I think I'll be done sending them over for that. just sayin'.
In my home.... IN THEIR HOME.... my children yell and fight and run up the stairs when they aren't supposed to... they talk back and jump alllll over *whoever* walks in our front door... and so they should. They are children. This is a family and this is a FAMILY HOME... I expect nothing else from them, and when they need to disciplined, there are boundaries and reasons and explanations - and love.... lots of love. But overall, they know they belong here.
On wards and upwards.... right?