Today was kind of cool.
First of all, The Boy and I got to spend the morning in St. Helens (home of the Twilight movie) and we *did* indeed find the beloved (and missing) Tinky-Winky. He was Over. The. Moon.
Then we toured the other shops in the area, spending a little bit of money in each one. St. Helens is a small town - and frankly... commerce is a wee bit scarce, so we did our part to bring some green to such a great little town.
Plus.... I got to chat with some store owners who were there for the Twilight filming and that was pretty cool for me. Just to stand where Edward stood.... lololol
The nicest part of the morning was the drive - it's 45 minutes to get there. The Boy and I talked about all kinds of things, he told me funny stories about poop and farting: boys are just so much fun. We had a great morning - and only once did he get quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he just sighed and said he missed his Dad.
Then I sighed (but under my breath and not visibly).
We had another conversation today about how friends can sometimes come and go - and sometimes a friend is even *more* fun after we haven't seen them for a while. Sometimes we have to give our friends space, even if we miss them. He mentioned some old friends we haven't seen in a while (but are still friends with) and I said: exactly.
He said nothing more, neither did I.
I try sooooo hard not to get drawn into conversations where I try to guess or explain what El Capitan is doing. The books say that I'm not *supposed* to do that. I'm not supposed to say, "Of course your Dad loves you." or, "Of course your Dad wants to see you." Because I'm *not* El Capitan (and *clearly* I haven't had a real understanding of what he's thinking) - so I should never speak for him. So I try *really* hard too... but I will admit that several times in the last week I have found myself reassuring The Boy that El Capitan loves them.
Because... I'm sure he does. There's no way he doesn't.... our kid is awesome. lolol
So, instead of "answering" for, or trying to explain El Capitan, I do that thing where I transition the conversation to generally talk about "friends" and "people who are important in our lives" and how sometimes we have to be understanding and patient - but above all, we have to remember that our friends do what *they* want to do and that usually is not *because* of us. I hope I'm not too vague with him...... At the end of the day - people WILL let him down in his life - and sometimes he can walk away from those people and sometimes he can't. I don't think he will ever want to "walk away" from his Father, so it's better to help him discover emotional tools to deal with his thoughts and feelings.... crap. I don't know - I *think* that's better?
In any case: we had a *great* morning.
I came home to an email from El Capitan..... he say's there's "nothing wrong" with having used *my* username and password to get into *my* Netflix account after we were divorced.... that there's nothing in the "Netflix User Agreement" about it.... huh? WTF? Seriously? I think that Netflix (as well as the local government) is pretty much against people who are not paying for a service illegally using someone else's account....
sigh.
And then... a bunch of other stuff...... blah blah blah. I'm bored. Bored of the lies. Bored of the game where we *say* one thing and then do another.... bored, bored, bored.
Which is excellent news because I've moved from shocked to hurt to angry to scorned to bitter.... and now I'm just freaking bored by it.
He's still *refusing* to give me the cell number to his iPhone... it's a long story, but El Capitan got a second phone line *while* we were still married and AFTER I told him I could see him talking to Yoga Girl *all* day long while he PROMISED me that they weren't talking/weren't together/ that he hardly knew her. He continued to pay for TWO PHONE LINES, instead of admit to me that he lied.
Now he cancelled the one phone line and *refuses* to acknowledge that he has the other one. He say's he'll "buy a burner phone" when he afford one..... I said, this is a game. A game I am *bored* of. I have *MY* cell phone records to prove that I *rarely* call you - and hardly ever text you. I have not harassed you *at all* and there is no reason why I should have a working, current cell phone number for you. Period.
I told him this is a game and the only people being hurt at the kids who want to see him - and no one else.
As it is, the kids haven't heard from him or seen him in THREE weeks.
Then he wants to know when he can see the kids (after he buys the burner phone, of course) - because he wants to have a play-date with our kids and a friends of his kids. WHAT?
I had to pause when I read that. You see... LIFE has gone on for El Capitan.
Smooth... dinners out, holiday parties.... snuggling Yoga Girl - walk of shame breakfasts at the local pancake house: life has gone on - and HAPPILY.
If he were *really* sad and missing his kids... he would be chomping at the bit to spend time *with* them. Not just want to be *around* them. Instead, he wants to set up a time to see them so he can set up a play-date with *other people*.
I was honest with him..... the kids *need* to see him. They *need* to spend time with him and they not only deserve, but *need*, his undivided attention. What they *don't* need is play-date with anyone other than *him*. I really feel like I shouldn't have to tell him that.....
The fact that my kids want a "play-date" with their Dad at all makes my stomach hurt....
The truth is that El Capitan *doesn't* want to have to talk to me... because I don't let things slide. HE *asks* me how I'm doing... so I tell him, "I sleep in a bed with two kids, one of whom usually pee's on me at least once a week, we live in an office of someone's home, I have nowhere to get dressed, I have no privacy, I am the sole parent of two children all day and all night - and if they are sick or need their ass wiped: I'm the only one there. I have no retirement, no savings, no studio - which means my work is almost nil until the weather get's better and I can shoot outside, and the man who I thought was my soul mate betrayed me, decimated me, ruined me and then pissed on the pieces of my shattered heart while he moved in with a 22 year old. That's how I'm doing.
It's not bitter. It's not mean... it's honest. At this point we should *all* know that I am .... honest. El Capitan knows better than to ask me a question if he doesn't want an *honest* answer. I've been this way for ten years... well, actually my whole life - and there are countless friends from decades past that will tell you that this part of me has never changed. Honest to a fault.
El Capitan doesn't want to hear that... he doesn't want to give me his number, because he doesn't want *me* to be apart of his life.... that's more than evident by his actions. He doesn't want *me* around because I am a reminder of what's he's done - and people don't usually like to be reminded of their wrong doings.
sigh.
So... in the end - the radio silence will be *my* fault because (as he always say's) I "say mean things" to him.... of course the fact that he *did* and continues to do "mean things" to me - is irrelevant to him.
I reminded him of that today.... that in spite of this all - I offered to work with him on his child support payments (lowering them for the time being and then he could repay the arrears later when he's working), and this was *after* he stole my Netflix and such.
Others can do what they please... but I *will* do the right thing.... or at least My Kid's Mother will do it.
(That b*tch really gets on my last nerve sometimes... I swear. loloolol)
I have LOTS of friends who think I should do other things - comments like 'press charges for stealing' or 'take him to the cleaners' or 'go back to court....' - come up all the time..... but my marriage *failed* because three people could not be in ONE marriage. The same is true here: TWO parents make for positive co-parenting - not a gaggle of adults, all with half a story, baggage of their own - and an opinion.
I think that El Capitan is listening to the stellar advice of a 22 year old who actually got him to tell me a few month ago that El Capitan shouldn't have to pay *MY* medical bills for having a full STD panel done.... um - YES - he should have - and he did. *I* didn't cheat.... he did. He broke the sacred bounds of our marriage and entered you like a kid in a candy shop. Thankfully... though a vacuous snatch that stole my life, my love and everything I held scared... it was a disease free one. Silver lining friends... silver lining!
But seriously. When we listen to our friends ... this is *only* a recipe for disaster. El Capitan knows me - and you know what - that pisses him off, because he knows I would never anything like this to him. He knows I would never lie and cheat and ruin his life. He knows that I would not continue to lie and cheat - he knows that I would never be *this* dishonest.... and so he buys into this friends bad advice and comes at me as thought I were some sh*tty ex-wife who cleaned him out... but I'm not. I didn't do that.
I don't trash his kids against him. The Blog... well, I'm simply reporting the days news - if he wanted me to report better things... then he should act accordingly.
Sigh.......
After I sent him my email (asking again for a phone number so we can up some time with the kids) my *favorite* reporter ever called... Kai Porter! He's the KPTV reporter who did my very first story - the one that ended up on National and International TV.
He was sooooo nice. That first time that he and his photographer came out (also SUPER nice) - they were very gentle with me. I was a wreck and didn't want to really be on camera... but wanted to sell the house and TV advertising that was "free" seemed too good to pass up at the time. Kai was respectful of my feelings and he was just.... really great.
So today the photographer came out to interview me and then Kai went to the Barnes and Noble to do a live feed for the story - and I wasn't far away at a party at Jenny B's house when they facebooked me to tell me they were there. So I drove over and watched them do the live feed from the van... which was kind of cool. Then Kai asked me for a picture to put up on twitter. That was super nice, too.
So, today was a good day. I had a GREAT morning with The Boy - I held my ground with El Capitan - and I *honestly* felt bored by his strong-toned email of veiled nothingness.... and then I ended the night with someone talking about *ME* (not-so-little-ole-me) having a BOOK SIGNING!!!!!
I'm not gonna' lie.... while I'm certain there will be some *serious* bumps in my road in the very near future.... I'm really, really proud of me today. There I said it. I'm proud of me.... because I wrote a book - and it's a pretty damn good book.... and even though I *thought* I was going to curl up and die 9 months ago - tonight I snuggled up to a great guy and took a picture of a moment in time that say's: I was here, I was hurt, but I wasn't afraid to share, I wasn't afraid to be honest, I wasn't afraid to be me and take those soured Yoga-lemons and make some vodka that other people like reading about.
C'mon... who wouldn't be proud of that?
First of all, The Boy and I got to spend the morning in St. Helens (home of the Twilight movie) and we *did* indeed find the beloved (and missing) Tinky-Winky. He was Over. The. Moon.
Then we toured the other shops in the area, spending a little bit of money in each one. St. Helens is a small town - and frankly... commerce is a wee bit scarce, so we did our part to bring some green to such a great little town.
Plus.... I got to chat with some store owners who were there for the Twilight filming and that was pretty cool for me. Just to stand where Edward stood.... lololol
The nicest part of the morning was the drive - it's 45 minutes to get there. The Boy and I talked about all kinds of things, he told me funny stories about poop and farting: boys are just so much fun. We had a great morning - and only once did he get quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he just sighed and said he missed his Dad.
Then I sighed (but under my breath and not visibly).
We had another conversation today about how friends can sometimes come and go - and sometimes a friend is even *more* fun after we haven't seen them for a while. Sometimes we have to give our friends space, even if we miss them. He mentioned some old friends we haven't seen in a while (but are still friends with) and I said: exactly.
He said nothing more, neither did I.
I try sooooo hard not to get drawn into conversations where I try to guess or explain what El Capitan is doing. The books say that I'm not *supposed* to do that. I'm not supposed to say, "Of course your Dad loves you." or, "Of course your Dad wants to see you." Because I'm *not* El Capitan (and *clearly* I haven't had a real understanding of what he's thinking) - so I should never speak for him. So I try *really* hard too... but I will admit that several times in the last week I have found myself reassuring The Boy that El Capitan loves them.
Because... I'm sure he does. There's no way he doesn't.... our kid is awesome. lolol
So, instead of "answering" for, or trying to explain El Capitan, I do that thing where I transition the conversation to generally talk about "friends" and "people who are important in our lives" and how sometimes we have to be understanding and patient - but above all, we have to remember that our friends do what *they* want to do and that usually is not *because* of us. I hope I'm not too vague with him...... At the end of the day - people WILL let him down in his life - and sometimes he can walk away from those people and sometimes he can't. I don't think he will ever want to "walk away" from his Father, so it's better to help him discover emotional tools to deal with his thoughts and feelings.... crap. I don't know - I *think* that's better?
In any case: we had a *great* morning.
I came home to an email from El Capitan..... he say's there's "nothing wrong" with having used *my* username and password to get into *my* Netflix account after we were divorced.... that there's nothing in the "Netflix User Agreement" about it.... huh? WTF? Seriously? I think that Netflix (as well as the local government) is pretty much against people who are not paying for a service illegally using someone else's account....
sigh.
And then... a bunch of other stuff...... blah blah blah. I'm bored. Bored of the lies. Bored of the game where we *say* one thing and then do another.... bored, bored, bored.
Which is excellent news because I've moved from shocked to hurt to angry to scorned to bitter.... and now I'm just freaking bored by it.
He's still *refusing* to give me the cell number to his iPhone... it's a long story, but El Capitan got a second phone line *while* we were still married and AFTER I told him I could see him talking to Yoga Girl *all* day long while he PROMISED me that they weren't talking/weren't together/ that he hardly knew her. He continued to pay for TWO PHONE LINES, instead of admit to me that he lied.
Now he cancelled the one phone line and *refuses* to acknowledge that he has the other one. He say's he'll "buy a burner phone" when he afford one..... I said, this is a game. A game I am *bored* of. I have *MY* cell phone records to prove that I *rarely* call you - and hardly ever text you. I have not harassed you *at all* and there is no reason why I should have a working, current cell phone number for you. Period.
I told him this is a game and the only people being hurt at the kids who want to see him - and no one else.
As it is, the kids haven't heard from him or seen him in THREE weeks.
Then he wants to know when he can see the kids (after he buys the burner phone, of course) - because he wants to have a play-date with our kids and a friends of his kids. WHAT?
I had to pause when I read that. You see... LIFE has gone on for El Capitan.
Smooth... dinners out, holiday parties.... snuggling Yoga Girl - walk of shame breakfasts at the local pancake house: life has gone on - and HAPPILY.
If he were *really* sad and missing his kids... he would be chomping at the bit to spend time *with* them. Not just want to be *around* them. Instead, he wants to set up a time to see them so he can set up a play-date with *other people*.
I was honest with him..... the kids *need* to see him. They *need* to spend time with him and they not only deserve, but *need*, his undivided attention. What they *don't* need is play-date with anyone other than *him*. I really feel like I shouldn't have to tell him that.....
The fact that my kids want a "play-date" with their Dad at all makes my stomach hurt....
The truth is that El Capitan *doesn't* want to have to talk to me... because I don't let things slide. HE *asks* me how I'm doing... so I tell him, "I sleep in a bed with two kids, one of whom usually pee's on me at least once a week, we live in an office of someone's home, I have nowhere to get dressed, I have no privacy, I am the sole parent of two children all day and all night - and if they are sick or need their ass wiped: I'm the only one there. I have no retirement, no savings, no studio - which means my work is almost nil until the weather get's better and I can shoot outside, and the man who I thought was my soul mate betrayed me, decimated me, ruined me and then pissed on the pieces of my shattered heart while he moved in with a 22 year old. That's how I'm doing.
It's not bitter. It's not mean... it's honest. At this point we should *all* know that I am .... honest. El Capitan knows better than to ask me a question if he doesn't want an *honest* answer. I've been this way for ten years... well, actually my whole life - and there are countless friends from decades past that will tell you that this part of me has never changed. Honest to a fault.
El Capitan doesn't want to hear that... he doesn't want to give me his number, because he doesn't want *me* to be apart of his life.... that's more than evident by his actions. He doesn't want *me* around because I am a reminder of what's he's done - and people don't usually like to be reminded of their wrong doings.
sigh.
So... in the end - the radio silence will be *my* fault because (as he always say's) I "say mean things" to him.... of course the fact that he *did* and continues to do "mean things" to me - is irrelevant to him.
I reminded him of that today.... that in spite of this all - I offered to work with him on his child support payments (lowering them for the time being and then he could repay the arrears later when he's working), and this was *after* he stole my Netflix and such.
Others can do what they please... but I *will* do the right thing.... or at least My Kid's Mother will do it.
(That b*tch really gets on my last nerve sometimes... I swear. loloolol)
I have LOTS of friends who think I should do other things - comments like 'press charges for stealing' or 'take him to the cleaners' or 'go back to court....' - come up all the time..... but my marriage *failed* because three people could not be in ONE marriage. The same is true here: TWO parents make for positive co-parenting - not a gaggle of adults, all with half a story, baggage of their own - and an opinion.
I think that El Capitan is listening to the stellar advice of a 22 year old who actually got him to tell me a few month ago that El Capitan shouldn't have to pay *MY* medical bills for having a full STD panel done.... um - YES - he should have - and he did. *I* didn't cheat.... he did. He broke the sacred bounds of our marriage and entered you like a kid in a candy shop. Thankfully... though a vacuous snatch that stole my life, my love and everything I held scared... it was a disease free one. Silver lining friends... silver lining!
But seriously. When we listen to our friends ... this is *only* a recipe for disaster. El Capitan knows me - and you know what - that pisses him off, because he knows I would never anything like this to him. He knows I would never lie and cheat and ruin his life. He knows that I would not continue to lie and cheat - he knows that I would never be *this* dishonest.... and so he buys into this friends bad advice and comes at me as thought I were some sh*tty ex-wife who cleaned him out... but I'm not. I didn't do that.
I don't trash his kids against him. The Blog... well, I'm simply reporting the days news - if he wanted me to report better things... then he should act accordingly.
Sigh.......
After I sent him my email (asking again for a phone number so we can up some time with the kids) my *favorite* reporter ever called... Kai Porter! He's the KPTV reporter who did my very first story - the one that ended up on National and International TV.
He was sooooo nice. That first time that he and his photographer came out (also SUPER nice) - they were very gentle with me. I was a wreck and didn't want to really be on camera... but wanted to sell the house and TV advertising that was "free" seemed too good to pass up at the time. Kai was respectful of my feelings and he was just.... really great.
So today the photographer came out to interview me and then Kai went to the Barnes and Noble to do a live feed for the story - and I wasn't far away at a party at Jenny B's house when they facebooked me to tell me they were there. So I drove over and watched them do the live feed from the van... which was kind of cool. Then Kai asked me for a picture to put up on twitter. That was super nice, too.
So, today was a good day. I had a GREAT morning with The Boy - I held my ground with El Capitan - and I *honestly* felt bored by his strong-toned email of veiled nothingness.... and then I ended the night with someone talking about *ME* (not-so-little-ole-me) having a BOOK SIGNING!!!!!
I'm not gonna' lie.... while I'm certain there will be some *serious* bumps in my road in the very near future.... I'm really, really proud of me today. There I said it. I'm proud of me.... because I wrote a book - and it's a pretty damn good book.... and even though I *thought* I was going to curl up and die 9 months ago - tonight I snuggled up to a great guy and took a picture of a moment in time that say's: I was here, I was hurt, but I wasn't afraid to share, I wasn't afraid to be honest, I wasn't afraid to be me and take those soured Yoga-lemons and make some vodka that other people like reading about.
C'mon... who wouldn't be proud of that?
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