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The Return of My Face For Radio

1/11/2013

9 Comments

 
Picture
Today was kind of cool.

First of all, The Boy and I got to spend the morning in St. Helens (home of the Twilight movie) and we *did* indeed find the beloved (and missing) Tinky-Winky.  He was Over. The. Moon.

Then we toured the other shops in the area, spending a little bit of money in each one.  St. Helens is a small town - and frankly... commerce is a wee bit scarce, so we did our part to bring some green to such a great little town.

Plus.... I got to chat with some store owners who were there for the Twilight filming and that was pretty cool for me.  Just to stand where Edward stood.... lololol

The nicest part of the morning was the drive - it's 45 minutes to get there.  The Boy and I talked about all kinds of things, he told me funny stories about poop and farting:  boys are just so much fun.  We had a great morning - and only once did he get quiet.  I asked him what was wrong and he just sighed and said he missed his Dad.
Then I sighed (but under my breath and not visibly).

We had another conversation today about how friends can sometimes come and go - and sometimes a friend is even *more* fun after we haven't seen them for a while.  Sometimes we have to give our friends space, even if we miss them.  He mentioned some old friends we haven't seen in a while (but are still friends with) and I said:  exactly.

He said nothing more, neither did I.

I try sooooo hard not to get drawn into conversations where I try to guess or explain what El Capitan is doing.  The books say that I'm not *supposed* to do that.  I'm not supposed to say, "Of course your Dad loves you."  or, "Of course your Dad wants to see you."  Because I'm *not* El Capitan (and *clearly* I haven't had a real understanding of what he's thinking) - so I should never speak for him.  So I try *really* hard too... but I will admit that several times in the last week I have found myself reassuring The Boy that El Capitan loves them.
Because... I'm sure he does.  There's no way he doesn't.... our kid is awesome.  lolol

So, instead of "answering" for, or trying to explain El Capitan, I do that thing where I transition the conversation to generally talk about "friends" and "people who are important in our lives" and how sometimes we have to be understanding and patient - but above all, we have to remember that our friends do what *they* want to do and that usually is not *because* of us.  I hope I'm not too vague with him...... At the end of the day - people WILL let him down in his life - and sometimes he can walk away from those people and sometimes he can't.  I don't think he will ever want to "walk away" from his Father, so it's better to help him discover emotional tools to deal with his thoughts and feelings.... crap.  I don't know - I *think* that's better?

In any case:  we had a *great* morning.

I came home to an email from El Capitan..... he say's there's "nothing wrong" with having used *my* username and password to get into *my* Netflix account after we were divorced.... that there's nothing in the "Netflix User Agreement" about it.... huh? WTF?  Seriously?  I think that Netflix (as well as the local government) is pretty much against people who are not paying for a service illegally using someone else's account....
sigh.

And then... a bunch of other stuff...... blah blah blah. I'm bored.  Bored of the lies. Bored of the game where we *say* one thing and then do another.... bored, bored, bored.

Which is excellent news because I've moved from shocked to hurt to angry to scorned to bitter.... and now I'm just freaking bored by it. 

He's still *refusing* to give me the cell number to his iPhone... it's a long story, but El Capitan got a second phone line *while* we were still married and AFTER I told him I could see him talking to Yoga Girl *all* day long while he PROMISED me that they weren't talking/weren't together/ that he hardly knew her.  He continued to pay for TWO PHONE LINES, instead of admit to me that he lied.

Now he cancelled the one phone line and *refuses* to acknowledge that he has the other one.  He say's he'll "buy a burner phone" when he afford one..... I said, this is a game.  A game I am *bored* of.  I have *MY* cell phone records to prove that I *rarely* call you - and hardly ever text you.  I have not harassed you *at all* and there is no reason why I should have a working, current cell phone number for you.  Period.

I told him this is a game and the only people being hurt at the kids who want to see him - and no one else. 

As it is, the kids haven't heard from him or seen him in THREE weeks. 

Then he wants to know when he can see the kids (after he buys the burner phone, of course) - because he wants to have a play-date with our kids and a friends of his kids.  WHAT?

I had to pause when I read that.  You see... LIFE has gone on for El Capitan. 
Smooth... dinners out, holiday parties.... snuggling Yoga Girl - walk of shame breakfasts at the local pancake house:  life has gone on - and HAPPILY.

If he were *really* sad and missing his kids... he would be chomping at the bit to spend time *with* them.  Not just want to be *around* them.  Instead, he wants to set up a time to see them so he can set up a play-date with *other people*.

I was honest with him..... the kids *need* to see him.  They *need* to spend time with him and they not only deserve, but *need*, his undivided attention.  What they *don't* need is play-date with anyone other than *him*.    I really feel like I shouldn't have to tell him that.....

The fact that my kids want a "play-date" with their Dad at all makes my stomach hurt....

The truth is that El Capitan *doesn't* want to have to talk to me... because I don't let things slide.  HE *asks* me how I'm doing... so I tell him, "I sleep in a bed with two kids, one of whom usually pee's on me at least once a week, we live in an office of someone's home, I have nowhere to get dressed, I have no privacy, I am the sole parent of two children all day and all night - and if they are sick or need their ass wiped:  I'm the only one there.  I have no retirement, no savings, no studio - which means my work is almost nil until the weather get's better and I can shoot outside, and the man who I thought was my soul mate betrayed me, decimated me, ruined me and then pissed on the pieces of my shattered heart while he moved in with a 22 year old.  That's how I'm doing.

It's not bitter.  It's not mean... it's honest.  At this point we should *all* know that I am .... honest.  El Capitan knows better than to ask me a question if he doesn't want an *honest* answer.  I've been this way for ten years... well, actually my whole life - and there are countless friends from decades past that will tell you that this part of me has never changed. Honest to a fault.

El Capitan doesn't want to hear that... he doesn't want to give me his number, because he doesn't want *me* to be apart of his life.... that's more than evident by his actions. He doesn't want *me* around because I am a reminder of what's he's done - and people don't usually like to be reminded of their wrong doings.
sigh.

So... in the end - the radio silence will be *my* fault because (as he always say's) I "say mean things" to him.... of course the fact that he *did* and continues to do "mean things" to me - is irrelevant to him.
I reminded him of that today.... that in spite of this all - I offered to work with him on his child support payments (lowering them for the time being and then he could repay the arrears later when he's working), and this was *after* he stole my Netflix and such.

Others can do what they please... but I *will* do the right thing.... or at least My Kid's Mother will do it.
(That b*tch really gets on my last nerve sometimes... I swear. loloolol)

I have LOTS of friends who think I should do other things - comments like 'press charges for stealing' or 'take him to the cleaners' or 'go back to court....' - come up all the time..... but my marriage *failed* because three people could not be in ONE marriage.  The same is true here:  TWO parents make for positive co-parenting - not a gaggle of adults, all with half a story, baggage of their own - and an opinion.

I think that El Capitan is listening to the stellar advice of a 22 year old who actually got him to tell me a few month ago that El Capitan shouldn't have to pay *MY* medical bills for having a full STD panel done.... um - YES - he should have - and he did.  *I* didn't cheat.... he did.  He broke the sacred bounds of our marriage and entered you like a kid in a candy shop.  Thankfully... though a vacuous snatch that stole my life, my love and everything I held scared... it was a disease free one.  Silver lining friends... silver lining!

But seriously.  When we listen to our friends ... this is *only* a recipe for disaster.  El Capitan knows me - and you know what - that pisses him off, because he knows I would never anything like this to him.  He knows I would never lie and cheat and ruin his life.  He knows that I would not continue to lie and cheat - he knows that I would never be *this* dishonest.... and so he buys into this friends bad advice and comes at me as thought I were some sh*tty ex-wife who cleaned him out... but I'm not.  I didn't do that. 

I don't trash his kids against him.  The Blog... well, I'm simply reporting the days news - if he wanted me to report better things... then he should act accordingly.
Sigh.......

After I sent him my email (asking again for a phone number so we can up some time with the kids) my *favorite* reporter ever called... Kai Porter!  He's the KPTV reporter who did my very first story - the one that ended up on National and International TV.

He was sooooo nice.  That first time that he and his photographer came out (also SUPER nice)  - they were very gentle with me.  I was a wreck and didn't want to really be on camera... but wanted to sell the house and TV advertising that was "free" seemed too good to pass up at the time.  Kai was respectful of my feelings and he was just.... really great.

So today the photographer came out to interview me and then Kai went to the Barnes and Noble to do a live feed for the story - and I wasn't far away at a party at Jenny B's house when they facebooked me to tell me they were there.  So I drove over and watched them do the live feed from the van... which was kind of cool.  Then Kai asked me for a picture to put up on twitter.  That was super nice, too.

So, today was a good day.  I had a GREAT morning with The Boy - I held my ground with El Capitan - and I *honestly* felt bored by his strong-toned email of veiled nothingness.... and then I ended the night with someone talking about *ME* (not-so-little-ole-me) having a BOOK SIGNING!!!!!

I'm not gonna' lie.... while I'm certain there will be some *serious* bumps in my road in the very near future.... I'm really, really proud of me today.  There I said it.  I'm proud of me.... because I wrote a book - and it's a pretty damn good book.... and even though I *thought* I was going to curl up and die 9 months ago - tonight I snuggled up to a great guy and took a picture of a moment in time that say's:  I was here, I was hurt, but I wasn't afraid to share, I wasn't afraid to be honest, I wasn't afraid to be me and take those soured Yoga-lemons and make some vodka that other people like reading about.

C'mon... who wouldn't be proud of that?


9 Comments
Kay
1/10/2013 06:52:09 pm

LOL --- he's really pressing his luck isn't he... I wonder if he knows after he makes himself BORING that the next phase is likely Lady Action Taker!!!

Pour us a shot of that Vodka please... :)

Reply
Debby
1/10/2013 09:26:04 pm

I had to laugh about the Netflix. When my husband was with another woman (size 0) he had her over to OUR house with OUR children and just couldn't fathom why it was a big deal to serve her dinner on MY mother's dishes. Keep in mind, he left me the day after I had cleaned out her home after her death....my child hood home. When people are doing wrong things, I think it's a denial complex so they won't feel guilty. Your doing well by your children, much better than I did. Keep it up. If I didn't live in SC I'd be at your signing!!

Reply
Melissa
1/10/2013 11:38:09 pm

Good for you, Elle. "Bored" is progress!!

You wrote: "I reminded him of that today.... that in spite of this all - I offered to work with him on his child support payments (lowering them for the time being and then he could repay the arrears later when he's working), and this was *after* he stole my Netflix and such."

Just so you know...despite any agreement that you and EC make, if EC isn't paying his child support directly to you, the State can (and does) audit his child support account and will find him to be in arrears and file suit against him. The court's current Order stands unless it has been modified by the Court. So...he could wind up with huge penalties and interest and end up in jail without you being involved in it at all.

Also--just my humble opinion, but you are being way too nice to him!!! YOU have bills and expenses. YOU have the children to look out for. Offering to allow him to pay less child support while he gets back on his feet hurts you and your children. Please...as you get more and more bored...try to be less nice to EC!

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Taun-Taun
1/11/2013 12:18:13 am

For the love of Pete! Can those two not find $7.99 a month to buy their own Netflix account? AYE AYE AYE!!!

And you wre AMAZING on KATU!! Can't wait for the book signing!

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Marie
1/11/2013 12:28:20 am

Hi Elle,

I have been following your blog faithfully you have a generous heart and you are so good to teach your kids well. However, helping out El Capitain either by lowering child support or paying for his storage, etc will not make him become a responsible dad. He *will* lie to the kids and to all his friends. I'm sorry to say he does not seem to have a working conscience right now. I am reminded of Judge Judy - child support is for the kids - and by lowering it, guess who ultimately pays the price? The kids deserve their own house (and so do you). You seem to believe that by being good to him he can't use you as an excuse why he's not around. I hate to say it but he already is, and he will continue to do so. Also, getting child support is not "screwing him" - those are his kids and he MUST help pay for them. Don't worry about what he or his loser friends think - they are a ratty bunch of liars and home wreckers who will lie and blame you no matter what you do. I am rooting for you and your kids!!!

By the way you look great in the photo!!! :)

Reply
Alex
1/11/2013 07:56:17 am

Hi Elle

I was going to take a step back from posting, but the "burner phone" thing.......

You are doing so awesome, you should be damn proud of yourself!

As for El Capitan, maybe it's better if the kids don't see him right now? At least not unsupervised? He's acting bizarre and I think paranoid again.

Remember when he accused you of having people stalk him and report back to you, and made threats?

Now he's nervous about what could happen to him over bloody Netflix, and he's scared to give you his *phone number* (what does he think you can do with it? Remotely detonate his I Phone?). He wants to get a *burner phone* for you guys to reach him. Seriously, disposable phone number that is purchased anonymously so as not to be traceable. To communicate with his kids.

Oh, and tell El Capitan he needs to become more familiar with the IPhone if he's going to bother paying for it. Or at least not appear 2 generations older than his current peers. He wants a "Burner Number"? There is an app for that. He doesn't need to buy a different physical phone. It will cost him $2 for the app, and then $5/month for all the speaking and text he'd use. Maybe he should have one of the "kids" show him how to do that.

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Kay
1/11/2013 05:32:50 pm

LOL... ROFLOL... Alex is so RIGHT ON! I am surprised that YOGA GIRL hasn't taught the old El Caption a little bit more about technology, but then again... we all can assume she is STALKING this blog, and well... she might not want her OLD EL CAPTION to know all the really cool and neat things an iPhone can dooooooo, simply because he could STALK HER! Oh boy... now wouldn't that be a sight to report on... I could see it now... EL CAPTION sitting on the limb of a tree, watching Yoga Girl through iPhone making out with her next married man... pass the popcorn please.....

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Jaimey
1/11/2013 04:21:30 pm

Great post. Great pic! I can't wait to go to the signing.

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Emma
1/13/2013 04:12:57 am

Um.. not a face for radio at all! You look great and I think everyone can see you've lost weight. Good job!

The Burner phone thing just makes my blood boil so I will just not get into it much. We all know how absolutely ridiculous this is. It's just another excuse or hurdle to delay being responsible. And yes he can do that right on his Iphone. (That he does not have lol).

I agree you are being too nice. I can see why you are trying to be. I do not think you should budge on the child support. First of all another commenter already pointed out that even if you are nice about it, the courts will not tolerate it and he could end up in an even worse place. So really, it is out of your hands. You could have taken spousal support (which would have been granted to you) and you did not. That was super "nice" of you. As I see it- you have no address of your own, and are making absolutely insane sacrifices as it is all because of a decision and act you had no control over. He lost his job. That really sucks. For everyone. But- he still has an apartment he is on a lease for, a car he pays for, an iphone, has money to go out all over town to see movies or eat out. A man would default on his lease, car, phone, and much younger party lifestyle before not paying for his kids. If this ended up in a court room I can't imagine any Judge would agree that money should first go to those things. Maybe YG is paying for most of that now?? Well that will get old really quick. He has legal obligations. If they are in a true relationship and living together than sorry YG but you need to add child support to the monthly expenses. It may seem like his/her money to them but anyone who has been in a relationship of any significant length knows that even if accounts do not actually merge, it does not take long before finances are a pooled thing. YG- El capitain will always have to pay support while his kids are growing up. No matter how much $ he may make in the future a minimum of the child support payments will need to be budgeted for. It should be more than that really, he should also factor in costs related to Christmas, Birthdays and other holidays, clothing, food and honestly shelter as those kids should have a place his life. An extra bedroom? He should already have that now.

Anyway- Elle, you back down on so many things, but in my opinion this is one you should never back down on. Sob story or not. If he can't pay he will go in arrears and it will add up and interest will be added. If he can't pay that is something that he should need to deal with the courts about.

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
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