It's amazing to me that so many people, who don't pay me to be here - who don't pay a single penny for the hours and hours I have spent writing, nor compensated me in any way shape for form for my willingness to be honest and raw about this journey.... feel like they get to feel "duped".
It's ironic, because even El Capitan pointed out to me that *he* doesn't feel duped. He feels like it was just yet another issue in our marriage that went un-talked about and un-dealt with - and we *both* freely admit (with hindsight and a year between us and our marriage) that there were *a lot* of unspoken things between us..... my being gay didn't define our success or our failure- it's just another card in the deck.
More to the point - it is NOT AT ALL - any kind of f*cking reason I did anything.
Everything in the book is true. EVERY WORD. I didn't sit there the night El Capitan walked out and thought... "sweet - bring on the boobies....". Far from it.
I was terrified that *we* had failed our children. I was *sick* at the idea that they would grow up now in a "broken home" and DUDE.... THAT WAS A REASON I WASN'T GAY TO START WITH.
Being gay and coming out hasn't made a damn thing easier... in fact: it's only made so many things harder.
But it's made being *me* easier.... and I refuse to change that.
The decision to come out was made because while I knew I would catch hell.... and have I. Sigh.
I also knew that there were other women out there who felt the way I felt.
I *KNOW* that there are people reading this Blog right now - who are raising a gay child whether they know it or not.... so any little bit that I can do to help ...... educate? inform? Those words seems a bit too strong.... perhaps I'm just hoping to shed some light on issue's that were mine... and could well be yours.
So now my in box is full of hate mail...... but that's happened before. I'm used to it.
Yes... I'm not thin. Yes - clearly I want to be "gay" because "no man wants me".
Good times. Good times.
I'll be totally honest.... I could give two sh*ts if there's a guy out there who wants to be with me or not (but to be frank: there are two that I know of for a fact... just sayin'.) Being a lesbian is about sooooo much more than just sex, sure, I understand that that's what people focus on because the bits go in the different places in the bedroom... I get that. However, it's just soooo much more.
In the first place, I am not - nor have I ever been - sexually attracted to men.
I'm also not a "man hater". I like men.... I like to hang out with them, debate world politics, beat them at arm wrestling (happens more than you think....), enjoy them as friends and fathers and husbands of my friends.... but that's it.
I have never been a good "mate" for a man, because I'm not good at being super .... 'girly'. I don't wanna' wait for you to figure your sh*t out and work on the kitchen plumbing... I'll just fix it myself. I don't need you to pay my bills, I don't even *like* jewelry.... sad but true.... I don't need someone to "take care" of me.... which to a large degree *men* find this kind of behavior/attitude "emasculating".
Women however, understand that there is a push and a pull... there is a strength and a weakness and that I can *be* both and it's doesn't 'emasculate' them. They can be equally strong and weak.... and when we're put together: it's perfect. It fits. No one is made to feel "less than" the other.....
May be other straight people *have* relationships like this... but for me - it has never worked with men.
F*ck... may be it won't work with girls either.... who knows. lol
My inbox is also full of emails from women who either *felt* as I did - and they know they are also gay and living 'straight' lives to appease families and husbands - and also not wanting to ruin their family by coming out..... and a few from husbands who think their wives might be gay.
That's a lot of emotion.... but I'm *glad* that people are writing me and I write them all back because I really do understand what they are going through.....
And there is one email that came in several months ago from Alex - hi there :) - and she asked me what I wanted in the "perfect husband".... I didn't publish it at the time, because I knew what I really wanted a wife - not a husband - and I wasn't ready to talk about that openly just yet......
Today I am, and (hopefully) in honor of SCOTUS doing the *right* thing because they have said that tomorrow is the day.... I'll share what I want in the "perfect wife".
Well, let's start with looks first.... not because they matter the most, but simply because I want to make sure you have a visual idea of what a "butch" girl looks like.
To the LEFT is Kacy - she's married to Cori and they were on The Real L World. They have a WEBSITE, and are a married couple that is featured on the show. The way that Kacy takes care of Cori and is there for Cori... is
Hopefully...... my future wife will be as strong as me - and stronger than me when I need her to be. That's the thing about girls (generally speaking) - they can hold your hand and cry with you one minute, make love to you (for hours and hours) the next, and then fall apart giggling with you. It's...... kind of awesome.
Butch girls.... they get shit done. Lesbians in general tend to do that.... but- most of the butch girls I know are pretty proud of their collection of power tools and all the cool things they can do with them. I knew this one girl who complete gutted - interior, engine and exterior, an old car and re-did the *entire* thing by hand.... re-built the engine and installed a new dash: the whole car.
I'm not gonna' lie.... that's kind of hot.
Butch girls (while being somewhat masculine) are still "girls" so they have a deeper understanding of .... you. They actually *listen* when you talk - they *want* to know how you feel and they want to talk and talk and talk about why you're upset or angry..... they will talk sh*t out with you and they make you feel as though you've been heard and understood.
That's super hot.
Butch girls are usually very confident because they are the "most out" of our lesbian community. They have to deal with people harassing them in bathrooms (because they don't look like they belong in the women's bathroom), they get harassed at clubs and frequently.... men try to pick fights with them. (Just ask Carhartt). So, because of that, they have a swagger and a confidence that is intoxicating.
That's mega hot.
There's this one thing a lot of my butch friends do - and they kind of act a bit like old men.... they say things like "honey" and "sugar" and call you their "lil woman".... and I'm not gonna' lie.... it's f*cking adorable when they do it.
Massively hot.... and it makes you feel - as a woman - like.... soft and tender... which, for someone as bold and out and brazen as I can be - I don't usually get to feel "soft" all that often.... I love that feeling.
It's mega hot.
Massages, manicures, pedicures.... oh my. Butch girls are usually *Very* good at back rubs, or painting your nails for you.... and they do it - to make you feel good. They do it because they know it's a sweet thing to do and they *want* to do sweet things for you... Butch girls can be both soft and sensitive, and take charge all at the same time.... and that's super duper hot.
Butch girls are usually very attentive and affectionate.... but- with girls, femme or butch - it's about expressing emotion, it's about showing affection and attention for the reason of wanting their partner to *feel* those things and LESS about "getting them into the bedroom"...
That's the hottest thing ever.
So..... hopefully my future wife is Butch - because it's really, really hot to be butch. :)
And.... I'm hoping that by tomorrow night - it'll be federally legal to marry said future, mega hot, super hot, swooning... Butch.