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The Importance of Being.... or not.

1/24/2013

13 Comments

 
sigh.

So..... I've blogged about this a few times in the past - how The Boy talks about Yoga Girl from time to time.  For those *just* joining the conversation, to recap:  The Boy found out about Yoga Girl *from* El Capitan back in May.  El Capitan was over, having his time with the kids when his friend called him on the phone.  During *that* conversation - and sitting on a few feet away from our son who was playing with his Little People on, El Capitan told the person he was on the phone that he could "sleep next to a 22 year old every night who does yoga."

Good times.

Prior to that, I had decided we would only tell the children that "Daddy broke a promise to Mommy and that's why we can't be married anymore."  The Boy had asked several time *what* the promise was - but I didn't think that he should know that his father left us for someone else.

You read in all the books about how most kids assume (wrongly) that their parents are divorced because of something they did - or that they could have stopped it by behaving better, etc.  I didn't want them to know that their Dad was ..... 'replacing us'.  Because *I* was clearly being replaced, and based on El Capitans time with the children and his (chosen) distance from them... he *was* replacing all of us.
Whether or not he continues to do that.... is up to him.

However, once the whor.... I mean - *girl* was out of the bag..... The Boy knew that Daddy had a girlfriend, that she was 22 and she liked "goga".
sigh.

I've always tried to put a focus on *us* - how we move forward, how we accept where we are - and how we try to heal.  I don't talk about Yoga Girl - she's not someone I care to spend any of my time on.  And, really, this is about the decisions that El Capitan has made and how we work with what we have and move forward.

However... for The Boy, and for reasons a bit unclear to me - Yoga Girl stays on his mind.  Over Thanksgiving he brought her up and came to me and asked me if I thought that Yoga Girl didn't like him - because he's never met her and he was interpreting that as Yoga Girl didn't want to meet him.
I didn't really have an answer... because I'm not El Capitan and I'm not Yoga Girl and I can't answer for what they do and don't do...... I only told him that Yoga Girl didn't know him - but I was certain that if she did get to know him, that she would love him.

The Boy brought up Yoga Girl a few times in December, mostly because he's "mad" at her - he'll tell me.  He say's that he's mad that she 'took' Daddy - and that she shouldn't have done that.  He tells me that she's a "bully" because she's the kind of person who 'takes other people's' toys.
Well.... hard to argue with that one.  So I didn't.... instead, I focused on how we work with kids at school who don't share toys and tried to focus on how when we meet people like that - how we can work things out and still be friends with them.  Trying.... though I don't really want to - to set the stage for a day when The Boy does meet Yoga Girl that he can find a way to be 'friends' with her.
sigh.

I always tell El Capitan when The Boy say's these things.... and, then there's always his bevy of friends who feel the need to *read* this PUBLIC blog and report back what I write to El Capitan (which... those are some pretty dumb friends if they haven't noticed it's a public blog that El Capitan could read for himself....duh.), however, El Capitan doesn't really *talk* to the children about the divorce, or Yoga Girl, or any of this, today however... he didn't have a choice.

El Capitan had his time with them today and almost as soon as The Boy walked in the door he announced that he "talked to Daddy about the divorce" (but, he always whispers the word divorce... like it's a swear word which makes me laugh a little....)

I said, "Oh... that's cool - what'd you talk about?"

"Well, I told Dad that I wanted to talk about [Yoga Girl] - because I told him that I don't really want to meet her... because she's a rude, selfish girl and I just don't want to meet her, Mom......"  he stated.

At this point, El Capitan had walked in and was standing just behind me. 

"Okay Buddy....." I replied, looking oddly at El Capitan, "You don't have to meet her."

As with *most* conversations, The Boy said his piece and then hurried off to play with The Girl and already started arguing about her using up his blue painters tape (long story there... lolol).

I was *very* surprised that The Boy had said this because we haven't talked about Yoga Girl - or meeting her or anything..... like - recently or whatever.  El Capitan lives a life *with* Yoga Girl and steps out of that life with her to see the children....the two lives do not cross paths by his design and I'm kind of okay with that..... I don't want Yoga Girl around my children at all, so while I would love for them to have proper overnights with their Dad.... they are young and still struggling with everything - so I just figure we can take out time to getting tot hat point.  (also... El Capitan has be willing to do that.... living in an apartment with his girlfriend and roommates and NO ROOM for our children - isn't very 'willing'. lololol).

El Capitan explained that on the way home The Boy said this to him and he pulled over so they could talk about (good... very good!) - and that he said this to The Boy in response:

"That's okay pal, you don't have to meet her because I'm not that serious with her."  and with a totally straight face he went on to tell me that he then said, "She's not someone who is that important to me that you *should* meet her."

um.  what the..... I can see that El Capitan thinks this was the *right* thing to tell our son.... and on the one hand:  it was.  The Boy was worried about meeting her and now he's no longer worried.  So - that's good.....?

But.  In that same moment, El Capitan *just* told our SON that the woman he LEFT OUR FAMILY FOR isn't important enough to be introduced to our children!?!?!?!?

The thing is.... El Capitan was just being *honest* with our son, which I really appreciate.  I do - and I'm glad they talked.... but - am I crazy to think that these words won't come back to haunt us all......?  Am I stupid to think that one day The Boy is going to turn around and think..... "You LEFT me for someone who "wasn't important" to you?"  and then he seriously upset about that?
sigh.

Also, I'm pretty sure that that's *not* true.  I'm pretty sure that that's *not* the story Yoga Girl is getting - and all their friends they been hanging out with....

Good grief........ co-parenting is a f*&king mine-field.  Seriously.

Tonight The Boy kept coming out and asking for extra snuggles at bedtime... which - seeing as he's 8 years old and these days are numbered.... I gave in to each and every one... then I let him stay up late and watch TV on the couch. 

I can't answer for what anyone else does.... but *should* my Edward ever come along.... it won't be "months" before that person meets my children.  A decent amount of dates in, they *will* sit down at a table with El Capitan to talk about parenting plans and discipline styles and respect.... *then* they will casually meet my children as a friend.... and only *after* it's decided that a more permanent relationship should be sought - so it will be. 

This is, clearly, going to be a lot farther down the road for me.... which is fine.  The *most* important people in my life are still my children...... I only get *one* chance to mother them..... these days and years will go by too fast and I already have so many mistakes to mourn..... I don't want to waste the time I have with them doing anything other than keeping them at the front of my life.... period.

And with that.... I'm off to bed, to get up and hit the gym for another 10 miles on the bike that will net me a 0 pound loss.  lololol... but no - seriously.... I'm hitting the gym like crazy and seeing no results... there *has* to be someone of personal trainer out there who wants to take pity on me?  hahahahahah

Oh.... and only two more days until the book signing..... that's just crazy. ......








13 Comments
Alex
1/23/2013 11:55:45 pm

Wow. Good luck helping the Boy digest that one Elle.

It's great El Capitan isn't pressuring the Boy, and told him he doesn't have to meet Yoga Girl, but the rest was really unnecessary and mean. Maybe he was trying to make the Boy feel like he's more important than Yoga Girl, but that's not what he said. He could have just said "You're more important to me than Yoga Girl". Instead he said "she's not that important to me". Cold.

I wonder if the Boy would even confirm that's what he said. If it wasn't, that's even worse, because El Capitan is randomly trashing Yoga Girl to his ex.

So perhaps what he said was true. People just don't say something that nasty about people they love to others. Even idiots, like El Capitan.

I think you've mentioned before that he has said some pretty disrespectful things in her presence, and you've mentioned that there were signs of him "checking out" years ago.

He probably really left for a new life, not love. He's no longer living the life of a settled 33 year old family man, but of a carefree 22 year old. *That* is his love for Yoga Girl, she was his ticket to a new lifestyle.

The Boy, insightful as he is, is too young to comprehend that and it won't make him feel better.

I think your best bet would be to tell the Boy (and I don't think this would be untrue), would be that Daddy probably isn't really sure why he left. It doesn't mean he doesn't love the kids, etc., but people often do things that hurt other people without really knowing why they are doing it, and we just have to accept sometimes that we don't always get to know why somebody did something.

Reply
Christina
1/24/2013 12:03:46 am

Just want to comment on the working out ... Cause been there done that .... If you are doing the same thing every time you go to the gym, you will plateau and stop loosing weight. You HAVE to change the routine on a weekly basis (at least weekly). Add something or take something away or try a new machine.

Reply
Melissa
1/24/2013 01:17:13 am

You wrote: ""That's okay pal, you don't have to meet her because I'm not that serious with her....She's not someone who is that important to me that you *should* meet her.""

Wow. Just...wow. I can't BELIEVE he said that!!!! I can't imagine that would make Yoga Girl feel very good if she read it. (EC will deny having said it, of course, but it will still be in the back of her mind when she DOESN'T meet the children...)

As for your son...you have a very bright little boy there! And, as you've said, wise far beyond his years. I would love to meet him someday.

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Alex
1/24/2013 10:15:26 pm

I hope she doesn't all of a sudden want to meet the kids to "prove" El Capitan never said it nor meant it. I've seen that with some new girlfriends who are still quasi-obsessed with the ex's or are starting to feel like they might just be the flavor of the moment. All of a sudden they want to meet the kids to try and establish themselves more deeply into their boyfriend's lives. It's not so much about the kids, but proving to themselves that they are indeed important to people they aren't really important to.

El Capitan doesn't have much of a spine, and will take the path of "easiest" to suit his needs, and I'm sure he doesn't want to be kicked out of his apartment and not be banging someone until he's found a replacement first. So it wouldn't surprise me if he caves and suddenly tells the Boy he should meet her after all. Perhaps you might want to speak to him about some ground rules of *not* meeting her, since the Boy's feelings ARE more important than Yoga Girl's. Or El Capitan's

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Taun-Taun
1/24/2013 05:41:21 am

I'm glad that The Boy and El Capitan can talk. HIS job is to build his relationship with your son...not yours. I am glad to see that he appers to be growing up in that department.

THAT being said. I'm SLIGHTLY (like a push pin tip size) feeling bad for Yoga Girl. Seriously. Why the heck does one stay with a guy who tells his friends she's a f*ck buddy and his son that she's "not that important" to him. SERIOUSLY. I will never understand the brains of 22-year-old girls who throw their bodies around like trash.

As always...You are amazing! 1 more sleep until the signing! SO totally cool!

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Ichiko link
1/24/2013 05:58:17 am

Weights and resistance training will burn calories for 24 hrs after you stop whereas cardio only burns calories while you are doing the exercises! So try adding some resistance into your workouts and you will start seeing more results!!

Reply
Life After Men O Paused
1/24/2013 06:37:52 am

YG was/is a means to an end.

EC wanted a lifestyle change (trying to escape himself and a sense that he hasn't achieved what he should have) and took the easy but boringly predictable route of changing it rather than a reasoned adjustment of ambitions or aims; which led to reckless behavior and chaos.

EC did what men in anytime (I dislike the 'mid' misnomer) life crisis typically do - changing the external factors in his life - partner, home, children, pastimes, sex life, spending - rather than try to change the internal factors - fear of aging, sense of failure - that are at the root of his crisis.

If (or when) The Boy needs an answer perhaps EC will have had time to identify the internal factors that were important enough to him to precipitate the change.

P.S. Good luck with the weight loss! I've had an interesting time since menopause trying to shed the creeper pounds, so far cardio type activities seem to work best for me (that and cutting out the carbs and tracking what I eat lol)

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mkep
1/24/2013 09:42:54 am

Elle,
I just stumbled upon your blog after reading an article about your for sale sign in the huffington post. I've just sat here and read through several blog posts(ok, let's be real- at least 20), and I can't tell you how much your story has just ... stayed with me.

I can't say to you I can relate.
I can't give you any advice on how to deal with your ex.
I can't tell you how to deal with a homewreaker...

But what I CAN tell you is that your story has touched a random 26 y/o girl in Atlanta, Georgia. I CAN tell you that from this day forward, I will be praying and sending happy thoughts to your and your children. I CAN say, that you DESERVE to be completely and totally loved by someone with honor, integrity, and a strength of character that would never betray you or your children. You deserve it Elle.

No matter the faults that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, no one deserves to be treated the way you were treated. Your ex showed an incredible amount of COWARDICE by his actions. Despite the possibilities that he had/has few redeeming qualities, his choices, both then and now, show that he lacks qualities that any *good* woman would seek in a partner. He is weak. He was weak when he betrayed your marriage. He was weak when he chose the easy way out instead of working on your marriage. He continues to be weak when he chooses her over time with your children. 4 words- Karma is a Bitch.

I am amazed by your restraint to not attack all of those who were involved in this situation. I can tell you that if this were to happen to me, El Capitan would not be able to reproduce again or enjoy the process (I have 5 brothers who would make sure of it- and if I could share them with you, I would ;).

For now Elle, know that you and your children are in my thoughts/prayers and I happy to help you support them by buying your book. Even though this situation just plain SUCKS, something better is around the corner for you. Believe it. You deserve your silver lining. Keep going Elle, and I look forward to following your continued growth.

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Jaimey
1/24/2013 02:08:53 pm

What the what? He chooses NOW, and THAT to be HONEST?! WTF! NO!!!! It will bite you, and it will bite the boy. :( What a fucking idiot! GAH! :(

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Kay
1/24/2013 03:09:58 pm

So, Yoga Girl is not that important to EL Caption ..... hum

Gosh, does EC not realize what he implied to his little boy????


Men... Men.... I mean BEAST.

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DoubleDee
1/25/2013 05:44:08 am

Hey Elle, I love your blog and think you are a very caring, introspective person and a great writer. But there has been something that has bothered me for awhile reading your posts and I am going to float it out there at the risk of upsetting you, which is not my intention at all.

I notice that you talk often about EC "leaving us (you and the kids)". But I want to gently suggest that characterizing it that way not be the best thing for the kids. The truth really is that EC wanted to leave the marriage, and this isn't about the kids at all. So when the boy asks you why dad left us for YG if she isn't important to him (which I agree was a totally bonehead thing for EC to say), you could point out to him that "dad didn't want to be in the marriage anymore and it didn't have anything to do with you kids." And you could also be honest and say that you don't know why dad did that if YG isn't very important.

This is not to excuse EC's behavior - he has clearly been negligent, selfish, and uncaring toward the kids. And cheating on you and not putting effort into improving the marriage when he was realizing he was unhappy is inexcusable. On the other hand, people do have the right to leave a relationship that they are not happy in, and I think you could talk about that aspect of it with the kids.

Anyway, just my two cents. Good luck with the book signing tonight. I think you are an awesome writer and an inspiring human being.

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Elle
1/25/2013 08:33:24 am

Hey -

So.... .about 6 months ago, I would have agreed with you. However, at this point - it's abundanty clear to me (and sadly to my kids) that El Capitan left *us*.

He was not only done with our marriage - he was done with being a part of a family.... this is evidenced by his often dissapearinces for weeks on end..... he didn't show up OR call on Father's Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas or New Years.... those are *family* days and as such he should have at least called or answered when we called him.

He did not.

He see's them for a few hours a week - they are not apart of his current life and The Boy is keenly aware of this because he's living it - not because of how I talk about it with him.
Does that make sense?

Also.... I did talk to the counselor once - about making a distinction about "us" and she brought up the point that "us" could be the three of us - or just the two of them - him and his sister.

One thing that The Boy demonstrates over and over is that he is fully aware that El Capitan did this for his own selfish reasons and that his leaving has nothing to do with The Boy or The Girl - which is most important of all - that he doesn't blame himself in any way.

As adults, they can read the book - and the journals I've kept - for a clearer picture on where El Capitan and I went wrong in our marriage as adults - but only if they want to - and only when they are adults themslves. :)

THANK YOU though, for your kind words - I process and read every last thing people write - and I address issue's or problems that other people bring up frequently. I really do appreciate the feedback. :)

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Grace
1/25/2013 08:05:34 pm

Elle,
Just watched your interview and am in awe of you for not stumbling over your words or yourself, you have much more confidence than I possessed when I was in your shoes.
Been there, done that, didn't write a book, although I can see how the therapeutic value could have been immense! My version of EC makes yours look like a choir boy in some respects, but at least mine did choose to make the kids important in his life and took an active role. Hopefully, for the kids' sake, EC catches on before he makes too many mistakes.
I think you are doing an awesome job with the kids. It's very tough trying to keep your personal feelings out of any talks with the kids about the Yoga girl and I commend you. Some days it's darn near impossible and it sure helps to have someone else (insert grownup here) to talk to. You seem to be handling it very gracefully and should be proud of yourself.
The bottom line is it's all about the kids. They deserve a chance to love their father, no matter what. I made lots of decisions based on that, including financial decisions that other people said I was nuts to agree to, but if it made it easier on the kids and kept him able to be active in their lives, it was worth it.
(I did, however, stop short of agreeing to "let him and the flavor of the month have the house and they would 'let' me live in the basement till I got back on my feet." I wasn't totally nuts!)
All I can say is that 23 years later it was worth it. My kids were able to have a good relationship with their father and grew close to their stepmother and continue to have support and love from all sides of the family. I worked very, very hard to maintain a friendly relationship with his dad and his new wife (after a few bumps along the way) and I know that has only been beneficial for the kids.
As for your weight, it's a non-issue and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I lost weight, got in fantastic shape, tried to change to be everything he said he wanted, but it was never enough. It took me a while, but by the time our marriage ended I knew I would never be who he wanted me to be, that I couldn't lose weight for him, anything I did had to be for me.
So you do what you need to do for you and your kids, and screw anybody who suggests that he left you because of your weight. He didn't. He left you because he was an idiot and someday you'll be very, very glad for this unfortunate change in your plans. And in the meantime, be kind to yourself, be true to yourself and enjoy this time with your kids. It passes much too fast. Much love!

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    Elle Zober

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