So..... I've blogged about this a few times in the past - how The Boy talks about Yoga Girl from time to time. For those *just* joining the conversation, to recap: The Boy found out about Yoga Girl *from* El Capitan back in May. El Capitan was over, having his time with the kids when his friend called him on the phone. During *that* conversation - and sitting on a few feet away from our son who was playing with his Little People on, El Capitan told the person he was on the phone that he could "sleep next to a 22 year old every night who does yoga."
Prior to that, I had decided we would only tell the children that "Daddy broke a promise to Mommy and that's why we can't be married anymore." The Boy had asked several time *what* the promise was - but I didn't think that he should know that his father left us for someone else.
You read in all the books about how most kids assume (wrongly) that their parents are divorced because of something they did - or that they could have stopped it by behaving better, etc. I didn't want them to know that their Dad was ..... 'replacing us'. Because *I* was clearly being replaced, and based on El Capitans time with the children and his (chosen) distance from them... he *was* replacing all of us.
Whether or not he continues to do that.... is up to him.
However, once the whor.... I mean - *girl* was out of the bag..... The Boy knew that Daddy had a girlfriend, that she was 22 and she liked "goga".
I've always tried to put a focus on *us* - how we move forward, how we accept where we are - and how we try to heal. I don't talk about Yoga Girl - she's not someone I care to spend any of my time on. And, really, this is about the decisions that El Capitan has made and how we work with what we have and move forward.
However... for The Boy, and for reasons a bit unclear to me - Yoga Girl stays on his mind. Over Thanksgiving he brought her up and came to me and asked me if I thought that Yoga Girl didn't like him - because he's never met her and he was interpreting that as Yoga Girl didn't want to meet him.
I didn't really have an answer... because I'm not El Capitan and I'm not Yoga Girl and I can't answer for what they do and don't do...... I only told him that Yoga Girl didn't know him - but I was certain that if she did get to know him, that she would love him.
The Boy brought up Yoga Girl a few times in December, mostly because he's "mad" at her - he'll tell me. He say's that he's mad that she 'took' Daddy - and that she shouldn't have done that. He tells me that she's a "bully" because she's the kind of person who 'takes other people's' toys.
Well.... hard to argue with that one. So I didn't.... instead, I focused on how we work with kids at school who don't share toys and tried to focus on how when we meet people like that - how we can work things out and still be friends with them. Trying.... though I don't really want to - to set the stage for a day when The Boy does meet Yoga Girl that he can find a way to be 'friends' with her.
I always tell El Capitan when The Boy say's these things.... and, then there's always his bevy of friends who feel the need to *read* this PUBLIC blog and report back what I write to El Capitan (which... those are some pretty dumb friends if they haven't noticed it's a public blog that El Capitan could read for himself....duh.), however, El Capitan doesn't really *talk* to the children about the divorce, or Yoga Girl, or any of this, today however... he didn't have a choice.
El Capitan had his time with them today and almost as soon as The Boy walked in the door he announced that he "talked to Daddy about the divorce" (but, he always whispers the word divorce... like it's a swear word which makes me laugh a little....)
I said, "Oh... that's cool - what'd you talk about?"
"Well, I told Dad that I wanted to talk about [Yoga Girl] - because I told him that I don't really want to meet her... because she's a rude, selfish girl and I just don't want to meet her, Mom......" he stated.
At this point, El Capitan had walked in and was standing just behind me.
"Okay Buddy....." I replied, looking oddly at El Capitan, "You don't have to meet her."
As with *most* conversations, The Boy said his piece and then hurried off to play with The Girl and already started arguing about her using up his blue painters tape (long story there... lolol).
I was *very* surprised that The Boy had said this because we haven't talked about Yoga Girl - or meeting her or anything..... like - recently or whatever. El Capitan lives a life *with* Yoga Girl and steps out of that life with her to see the children....the two lives do not cross paths by his design and I'm kind of okay with that..... I don't want Yoga Girl around my children at all, so while I would love for them to have proper overnights with their Dad.... they are young and still struggling with everything - so I just figure we can take out time to getting tot hat point. (also... El Capitan has be willing to do that.... living in an apartment with his girlfriend and roommates and NO ROOM for our children - isn't very 'willing'. lololol).
El Capitan explained that on the way home The Boy said this to him and he pulled over so they could talk about (good... very good!) - and that he said this to The Boy in response:
"That's okay pal, you don't have to meet her because I'm not that serious with her." and with a totally straight face he went on to tell me that he then said, "She's not someone who is that important to me that you *should* meet her."
um. what the..... I can see that El Capitan thinks this was the *right* thing to tell our son.... and on the one hand: it was. The Boy was worried about meeting her and now he's no longer worried. So - that's good.....?
But. In that same moment, El Capitan *just* told our SON that the woman he LEFT OUR FAMILY FOR isn't important enough to be introduced to our children!?!?!?!?
The thing is.... El Capitan was just being *honest* with our son, which I really appreciate. I do - and I'm glad they talked.... but - am I crazy to think that these words won't come back to haunt us all......? Am I stupid to think that one day The Boy is going to turn around and think..... "You LEFT me for someone who "wasn't important" to you?" and then he seriously upset about that?
Also, I'm pretty sure that that's *not* true. I'm pretty sure that that's *not* the story Yoga Girl is getting - and all their friends they been hanging out with....
Good grief........ co-parenting is a f*&king mine-field. Seriously.
Tonight The Boy kept coming out and asking for extra snuggles at bedtime... which - seeing as he's 8 years old and these days are numbered.... I gave in to each and every one... then I let him stay up late and watch TV on the couch.
I can't answer for what anyone else does.... but *should* my Edward ever come along.... it won't be "months" before that person meets my children. A decent amount of dates in, they *will* sit down at a table with El Capitan to talk about parenting plans and discipline styles and respect.... *then* they will casually meet my children as a friend.... and only *after* it's decided that a more permanent relationship should be sought - so it will be.
This is, clearly, going to be a lot farther down the road for me.... which is fine. The *most* important people in my life are still my children...... I only get *one* chance to mother them..... these days and years will go by too fast and I already have so many mistakes to mourn..... I don't want to waste the time I have with them doing anything other than keeping them at the front of my life.... period.
And with that.... I'm off to bed, to get up and hit the gym for another 10 miles on the bike that will net me a 0 pound loss. lololol... but no - seriously.... I'm hitting the gym like crazy and seeing no results... there *has* to be someone of personal trainer out there who wants to take pity on me? hahahahahah
Oh.... and only two more days until the book signing..... that's just crazy. ......