Lately the kids have been into "Call Me Maybe".... and The Girls' interpretation is ...." call me lazy...." - which, you have to picture her singing while she "taps" her feet and waves her arms around with no real sense of any kind of rhythm.
Mind you - I have to think she's my own personall like Shriley Temple. When you're a Mom true talent isn't actually a requirement for us to get out the movie camera and start posting the daily highlights on facebook. At least it's not in my case anyway.... :)
The Girl has this smile - it must be a mile wide. She loves her brother - and with the exception of CARS lately, she's pretty good at sharing. She's my dream come true. She's bold and funny and loves to dance and sing and she makes *the greatest* funny faces...... and latey, at night - she's been crawling on me and wiggling herself between me and the wall so she can 'nuggle' me better.
The kids and I share a double bed. The Boy sleeps head down/feet up , then The Girl sleep feet down/head up - and I sleep next to The Girl right up against the wall - where I try to move or roll. It's very warm (sometimes very wet first thing in the morning!) - and it's a great place to end each day - snuggled up to both my babies.
This morning I woke up and my entire left arm was dead from it having been wrapped under her and holding her all night..... how amazing is that? Really - aside from the cramp and the pins and needles - it's the best feeling in the world (as a parent) to know your baby still needs you.
Last Christmas I was at a MOMS club event and one of our veteran Moms gave me one of the nicest compliments that anyone has ever given me. After watching my kids playing (and this Mom has known me and the kids for a while) - she looked at me and said - with actual tears in her eyes: "They really are amazing together - I wish my two kids were as close as yours are.... you've really done something right with them."
It meant alot, especially because she's a Mom I really respect and I was really really proud of that.
The Boy however.... is struggling as of late. The other day he actually hit his sister.
This is HUGE for anyone who knows him and I - he's NEVER hit anyone. EVER. He was the*one* kid in preschool who never did things like that - I always raised him to understand that PEOPLE are more important that toys and that FRIENDS are worth fighting for - not toys. So.... to see him hit his sister.... it's soul destroying for me.
We had a big long talk about how he has to think about what kind of relationship he wants to have with his sister. That, if he continues down this road not only will he teach HER to hit (hence, he'll be getting hit back) - but he'll cause damage to their friendship and when he grows up..... his sister *might not* want to be friends with him. That idea of that had him in tears......
And then five minutes later he swiped at her over a Tow Mater. Stupid CARS......
I worry that I'm going to lose him to his own pain and loss and confusion. I worry that The Boy I once knew had a bigger piece of himself die that Thursday when he clutched his face and screamed noooooooooooooo as I explained what a divorce was. I worry....... that I won't ever get that boy back.
There are days when I feel ..... like - you know when you're on a plane and they tell you that if the cabin looses air pressure that masks will drop down from the ceiling. They tell you to put your own mask on first and then help your child. I feel like Yoga Girl has sucked out all the oxygen in our family and I'm trying to get the kids masks on - and there just isn't time to slip my own over my head.
Mind you..... at 22 she can probably sucka golfball through a garden house... so oxygen shouldn't be too much of a challenge, right?
The reality is .... however, that El Capitan had thrown on a parachute and jumped out of the plane that was our life and our family.... looooong before Yoga Girl even came along. She is simply the tool he used to make his departure known to me.... and a tool she is, I'm sure.
As for me ...... this week is like one, long, slow punch to the gut - taking out the last of my air and knocking me to the ground. Today I went through the studio and made piles of props to keep and props to dump. One of my clients suggest that I put together a store on the website and sell some of my custom props.... so I might just do that. Add any money from that to my "Disney fund".
Going through the props, many of which I've used on my own kids..... was hard. I LOVE my Zober Babies - I get to them see them grow up and thrive - I get to go on their little journey with them as I follow their parents on facebook... and I love that.
I read somewhere that divorce is not a seperation, it's the tearing apart of one life, back into two. The thing about tearing is that you never have two equal sides - some of side A is still stuck on side B and vice versa. El Capitan doesn't realize it .... but he took so much of ME when he left. So. Much. Of ME.
I freakin' want it back. lol
So if that tearing is true for me.... how much worse is it for the kids? How do I paste and tape their little hearts and souls back together.....? How do i help them return to BYG days when they were happy....... ?
I keep reading book after book and now The Boy and I are both in counseling.... but I have this lingering feeling that no matter how much tape and glue I can come up with.... pieces of us will always be missing.
So it's Fresh Beat Band and Justin Beiber and Carly Rae Jepsen.... ALL DAY LONG. because I figure if I can keep them singing and dancing... eventually their hearts will sing and dance all their own...... even if The Girl think it's ... "call me lazy....." when it comes to finding joy again - there's nothing 'lazy' about it!