EVERYONE. GETS. SICK.
The Boy has a head cold.
The Girl has a head cold.
and I..... *I* have a head cold.
Life is settling to a familiar, and yet distant, routine..... but once I haven't had for almost a year and a half. Now it's back to cleaning house and doing chores and staying on top of the laundry and making dinner every night. Every. Single. Night.
Good grief.... I forgot how *hard* it is to make dinner. I mean I own like two dozen cook books... and yet I can never seem to figure out what the hell to make. How's that for First World Problems..... so many choices, so much entitled indecision.
However.... on a not-so-first-world-problem note..... The Boy thinks he sprained his wrist. I looked at it - and it's certainly a bit.... swollen? And he said it hurt to the touch.... and you know a few months ago I would just book him an appt with the pediatrician or go to the ER or whatever.... but, we currently have no health care for the kids and I simply cannot afford a trip to Urgent Care or the ER. So instead I went to the local pharmacy and bought him an ace bandage and wrapped it up myself..... that was kind of heartbreaking. To be honest..... that was a suck-ass realization: I actually CANNOT afford to take my kid to the hospital.
The good news is that the swelling is down and we've been icing it off and on..... assuming we ever get benefits sorted out soon- I'll take him right in to have it looked at.... for now that has to be enough.
Still... parenting fail.
Saturday I had to drive the kids to Bubbie's so they could stay there while I worked, and on the way The Boy asked me, "Mommy... am I too young to be 'sexy' with a girl?"
First of all.... who the *hell* is talking about sexy ANYTHING near my kids? lol
I'm about as far from 'sexy' as I physically am from Russia (which is pretty far since they would kill me for being a queer... just sayin').... so I *know* I'm not the one talking about sexy anything.
So first I tell him that 'sexy' is really a word that is inappropriate for him - that it has a meaning that he isn't really old enough to understand AND it's not something I'm willing to explain to him until he is older. Then I ask him where he *heard* the word 'sexy'.
Ah.... that stupid Nickelodeon show - the one with the kid who screech talks.
Then The Boy say's, "Ok, well am I old enough to have a girlfriend?"
"Well," I reply, "In my opinion you are not old enough to have a 'girlfriend' - but you are certainly old enough to have a crush on someone. A crush is when you really like someone - they make you laugh, you like the way they look, they are nice to you .... you're never too young to have a crush."
He seems to be thinking about this for a while when The Girl pipes up from the seat next to him, "Well, I don't think I want to have a boyfriend, I want to have a girlfriend."
I'm totally caught off-guard by this and I'm immediately (in my mind) assuming that this is probably because I am with Hail Mary and so I'm quickly assembling my response in my head - 'Well, [Girl] you might want a boyfriend or a girlfriend - just because Mommy has a girlfriend doesn't mean that you will or that you will want one....'
But before I can formulate my response, The Girl say's this: "Yeah.... I don't think I want a boyfriend like Daddy who makes bad decisions, uses naughty words or is mean to me. I want a girlfriend like Tiana."
Seriously kid? You're FOUR. First of all... again- I thought *most* of this was sailing right past her conscious mind and she was doing fine.... *clearly* she's picked up on more than I realize - AND what the hell....
So Tiana is the waitress they had when El Capitan took them to Red Robin on Friday and The Boy read her name tag and said she had a 'pretty princess name' and that she 'looked like a princess, too'. So, the waitress totally adored The Boy and she spent a bunch of extra time at their table and whatnot... and clearly she made an impressions because The Girl then say's, "Tiana was pretty and nice and had dark skin."
Alrightyyy then.... cool. Out of the mouths of babes.
I pulled myself together and explained to the girl that everyone has times in their life when they make bad choices and she's too young to be worried about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend..... but either one is fine. And The Boy say's, "That's right - sometimes boys kiss boys and sometimes girls kiss girls and sometimes boys and girls kiss each other - and it's all the same."
The Girl agree's.
The Boy then turns on Tegan & Sara on the Kindle.
Yeah.... that's what having a gay Mom looks like for sure.
Even still, I was pretty upset about the whole thing so I called the counselor who pointed out to me that since the start I have only ever told them that we divorced because "daddy made a bad decision" - and as we all know - he continued to make them for months and months after..... and The Boy *does* tend to talk about this quite a bit still... so it's natural for the girl to see things that way.
Our kids area watching.... always watching. I know that they see the things El Capitan does and I try to keep not making it "okay" - but I do try to keep creating a mental and emotional space where they can all get past this - create a space where forgiveness lives so that they grow up with the ability to move on from any 'bad' place..... but then I wonder - who the f*ck is doing that for me?
What 'bad decisions' are they seeing *me* make and whatever they are..... who is making sure that they will grow up with the ability to forgive me for whatever they feel I did wrong..... ?
Some days I think this is getting easier.... and some days I feel like it's getting worse.
Today.... I just want to stick my head in under my covers until this head cold goes away.