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Simple Things... Much Needed Simple Victories.

1/7/2013

7 Comments

 
BYG (before Yoga Girl) - I had a different set of hopes and priorities.  I dreamed about saving up and taking us to Disneyland.  We had talked about the possibility of making a road trip this summer:  El Capitan had fond memories of a road trip as a child.  We thought we could take them to National landmarks and make a few weeks of it.  We (like most couples married for ten years) talked about eating healthier, going to the gym more:  losing weight.  Truth be told - that was something we *both* needed to do.

AYG - my hopes have changed.  I did take the kids to Disneyland - on my own! :)  Woohoo me! I'm still *planning* on taking that road trip... just have to find a creative way to make enough money. I think we can do like two weeks to Iowa and back for my 20 year high school reunion.... and make it a learning trip, study up on certain landmarks and make the whole thing educational.  I've changed all of our eating habits now, and I'm down a total of 38 pounds and I'm averaging 4 miles a day at the gym.  Double woohoo.

I've done those things:  on my own.

I have tried very hard to continue to do the things *we* wanted to do for our children and the things I wanted to do for myself - in spite of what El Capitan and Yoga Girl have done to us.

I don't have a huge "focus" on finding my own personal 'Edward'..... in fact, I'm fairly certain no man will want me.  I'm not young, I'm not 'thin', I have two kids and can't have more.... i'm not exactly any future Mother In Law's 'dream' for their son.... at least that's what I *honestly* think.  (Don't flame me for that... lololol)

But.... there are times when I truly miss having someone else in my life.  Sometimes, I miss El Capitan's hand on my back - the way he would pull me in for a kiss.... and seeing as how he *wasn't* "the one" - I can only hope to think that if I do meet "the one" - that those moments will be even more intense:  more romantic.
Hell.... I might actually get to have an orgasm one day.  (A girl can hope).

But, more than the hugs and the kisses and the emotional support.... oh, and if I'm being honest:  I really miss the conversation.  I miss the coming home and hearing about his day - problem solving issue's with certain managers or associates, etc.... I miss that.  I guess I miss being apart of a "team".  Clearly, this team was 'one-sided' because El Capitan was a willing part of this team until the day he moved out... and small, interesting fact:  Yoga Girl thought we *were* divorced.

Huh?

I know.... that's what I said.  Apparently, the first Sunday night in April when I found out about Yoga Girl - *before* he had even admitted he was wither her, had had sex with her, etc..... he drove to her place *THAT NIGHT* and told her we were DIVORCED.
 
File that under the stupid things 22 year olds believe.  lololol

Anyhow..... more than the kisses and the cuddles and the being apart of a team.... I miss having an extra set of hands:  let me explain.

I hope and pray that there comes a day where I can do one simple thing that I can't seem to manage to do on my own:  go the f*cking bathroom.

Seriously.

If we're at home..... I don't even get on the can before the door flies open with "Mooooommmmmmyyyyyyyyy.... [The Boy] won't share the Little People......."

or...."Mooooooooooommmmmm.... I need some water!"

What.... like from the toilet?  From the sink?  Have I not raised these children better than to want to drink toilet water?  Really......?  I never thought, in my whole life, that I would say thing like, "Honey, we won't bring our sandwich into the bathroom."  OR - "Dude.... we don't bring a bowl of popcorn onto the toilet."

And yet... in they walk:  toy in one hand, argument/problem/issue to tell me about while I'm mid-piss.
sigh.

At home, I can deal with it - I can negotiate the handing off of toys, the sharing of the TV and keep reminding that the same place where we leave our food to be flushed is no place to *consume* our food.... but being public is another matter altogether.

I refuse to leave them outside the bathroom.  I also refuse to leave them even outside the stall... can you imagine being crouched down, panties around your ankles and someone walks in to nab your kid?  (Clearly, a) I want too much CSI and Law & Order and b) you know you crouch ladies when there's no toilet seat cover... so don't judge).

So we have to wait for the large handicap stall.  Which is wrong... because that stall is designated for handicapped people.... but the three of us can fit in there.  No one is allowed to touch things - chrome handles, chrome bars, the paper dispense... yuck.  Each of them turns toward a different corner and we give each other "privacy".  but oh man..... what I could not *give* to be able to one day say, "Hey hun, I'm going to hit the ladies room, can you keep an eye on the kids?"

More than a house of our own... a new car.... financial stability.... what I really want is to one day be able to hang a piss:  on my own.  In Autonomy.  Alone.  In Peace.

See.... AYG.... my goals and hopes are significantly lower than they used to be.  Nothing like a 22 year old to stream line your goals and needs. lololol

At the same time, I've learned to appreciate these little things, the fact that they need me.  Sure, it's not exactly at the most opportune times..... but, it's nice to be needed. 

I know there will come a day when the very idea of me having any kind of bodily function will have them running and screaming from the room.  There will come a day I will spend hours: alone.  They will be busy with friends and social activities and talking on the phone to boys.... and all those things kids do. 

Sadly... there will come a day when they don't *need* me as much as they do now, and I know I will miss seeing that bathroom door flying open with my anxious three year-old's face twisted in mixed frustration at her brother who is bogarting all the Goldfish and won't give her any.

And that day.... is approaching too fast.
I hate the very idea of that..... I know they can't stay small.  I know it's a joy and a blessing that they grow every day... but if we're not careful - they can not only grow up, but also grow *away* from us.... and I think that sentiment is especially true for divorced parents.

When I was married, we thought as a team.  We planned as a team.  We parented:  as a team.

As a single Mother, I do everything alone - but not really because at the back of my mind I'm always worried about what El Capitan is doing - what he's thinking... what his friends and his barelyoutofhighschool girlfriend are telling him he should be doing..... and so then I have to do the thinking of three parents. 

There's what *I'm* thinking.
There's the "If El Capitan is doing *this* then I will have to do XXXXXX"
and then there's, "if El Capitan is doing *that* then I will have to do... YYYYY"

Living in my head is a confusing place most days..... but living with my kids: is not.

The Boy, just today, came flying into the bathroom announcing:  "Mom, can you call Dad and ask him for a play-date?  Because I really want to go to XXXXXXXX".

Umm.... can it wait until I'm out of the bathroom? I replied.

"Oh yeah... sure, of course, sorry Mom."  and then he closed the door.
It wasn't but a second later when the door opened again and The Boy said, "It's just I miss my buddy and I want to see Dadd."

Ah.... yes, there's nothing more that I want to talk about while sitting on the toilet than El Capitan. 
I also *really* don't want to have some kind of 'in-depth' personal conversation that The Boy *might* actual remember as as adult... one of those 'Hallmark' moments in parenting that your kids remember forever while my pants are around my ankles. 
sigh.

But I can't control any of that..... I can't help where I am and the circumstances - so I say, "I will talk to your Dad and let you know when that can happen, okay pal?"

"Ok Mom..... "

Now, I should be alllll kinds of like - see El Capitan look what you're doing!  The kids keep asking for play-dates with you... clearly you're not a "parent" anymore... blah blah blah.  Because that's true.  Both kids have now asked for a 'play-date' with their father.  Because *he* has chosen to be around them less, they are seeing him differently.  The Boy, more than The Girl, understands what this mean on a level that I didn't clearly see until the last week or so.  Which breaks my freaking heart........

But, even in my humbled state with toilet paper in one hand, I was glad to hear all this.  Why?

Because, even though The Boy will tell you that his Father has been selfish, that he has chosen a girlfriend over his family - that he doesn't see them, that he has made 'bad decisions' and hurt him and The Girl:  he still see's his father as his friend.

BoofreakingYAH, haters...... that's all me you know. :)

I have endeavored to teach both of the children that life, and often the people in your life, Will. Let. You. Down.  Period.  over and over and over.  Sometimes you can walk away from these people or situations, and sometimes you cannot.  Sometimes, you have to wait and work things out with someone.  Sometimes *you* will be giving a friend a second chance - and sometimes *they* will be giving you a second chance.

Usually these conversations are over Jack taking Iron Man and refusing to share, or some kid eating the last cookie on the tray.  I have taught The Boy that people are more important than toys and money and things - and that he should always *try* to find a solution before he gives up on things.

Everything can start with a friendship.  EVERYTHING.  I'm not sure what kind of "co-parent" El Capitan is going to be... that's up to him.  However, I'm not going to assume *just yet* that this pattern for the last  months is going to be *how* it's going to be forever..... I'm just not willing to do that yet.  So while my guard for the children is cautiously (and appropriately up) - I was glad that The Boy is hurt, but still open.

He's made his feelings clear (twoish posts ago) - but today, without any comment or ushering from me, he asked for a 'play-date'.  I think that that is a great start (again) because friendship is about trust and if The Boy is still looking to his Dad for friendship... then if El Capitan get his sh*t together, I believe their relationship can be healed. 

So neh-neh-neh-neh-nah..... take that "Ryan" and Yoga Girl and all you other haters who think I "poison" the kids against El Capitan.  I don't.  Never have.  Never will.  The Boy's attitude is a sign of that - it's the *product* of that.... and to that I say:  El Capitan, you are welcome.

I came out of the bathroom to find The Boy a little bit sad.  I *did not* talk about El Capitan, instead we talked about friendship and what's makes someone a friend.  We talked about how sometimes our friends make big mistakes or small mistakes (like stealing cookies is a big mistake, and taking all the Iron Man's is a small one).  We talked about how sometimes you have to tell a big sprout if your friend is drawing on the walls and sometimes we can negotiate taking turns with toys or video games.

I asked him if he was my friend... he said yes - that he was my "bestest friend."  I told him he has *always* been my 'very best friend in the whole wide world' (which is what I always tell him) and then I said this:

"So, you're my best friend, but sometimes I do things that make you mad and sometimes I make bad decisions, right?"  I asked.

"Yeah.... I guess."

"and... sometimes, even though you make bad choices like not sharing with sister, you're still *my* best friend, right?"  I asked.

"Well yeah... of course Mom."

"That's because,"  I explained, "friends can make mistakes, they can learn from their bad decisions and we can help them make better choices - and even though sometimes you and I made bad choices - we still love each other, right?"

"Yup..... of course I love you, Mom."

"Right... and sometimes that's what happens with our friends and we can still love them, too, right"

"Yeah.... Mom, we already talked bout this."  a getting-bored Boy replied.

Deep down though..... I know he heard me.  I know he's hearing that friends/El Capitan/whoever - can still be someone he loves and wants to be friends with.  This, I think - is huge. 

I actually try *not* to talk with the kids "about" El Capitan.  Instead, I try to keep focusing on teaching the life lessons and emotional tools to use in their relationships with everyone in their lives.  This is something I have taught them both since they were born, even before they could understand me.  By continuing to focus on that - focusing on *that* kind of parenting, I have to hope that I'm doing the right things...... Believe it or not, no matter *how upset* I get or how angry I am..... I have not detoured from this.  I really haven't.  The angry ex-wife in me *really* wants to some days.... but the Mother of My Kids always wins out. 

And you know what... after the last 10 months - I'll take a small, teeny, tiny victory anywhere:  even if it is on the sh*tter.

***********************************************
One small disclaimer.  As you know I heard from El Capitan.  He no longer has the phone he had and I have said that I am uncomfortable sending him off with the children without a phone number to reach him at.  I don't think this is an unreasonable request.  And no - I do not *usually* call them during their visits - I just don't like the idea of *not* being able to call at all.
7 Comments
Kay
1/7/2013 07:01:25 pm

I believe any court would find you are *legally* entitled to a phone number. Now, it might not be a phone number to his *new* cell phone, but none the less a phone number. He does have to provide you with a working number, and physical address and where he plans to take the children. A judge would slam him on this, as you are the custodial parent. Since I know from experience that GF's tend to stalk the Ex-Wife way more than the Ex-Wives stalks the Ex-Husband's its important to collect certain things. It's amazing how GF's are more evil and detrimental to the ex-husband's. Funny how things work in the real world.

Reply
Alex
1/7/2013 11:48:48 pm

Hi Elle!

You're doing a great job with the kids. Keeping them from getting jaded is hard to do, and you're doing it. Well done.

Why the hell does El Capitan think its unnecessary for you to have his number? That's ridiculous. Really, WTH?

You still co-own some things and have financial exchanges. You share children. You need to be able to reach him in emergencies, via text or a direct call, not email or Facebook FFS.

And besides, he's already mastered not picking up the phone or returning messages, so what's the difference in giving you a new number?

Does he want this to go both ways or something? Like only being able to communicate with you via email or Facebook? He'd regret that the first time they're sick or you're running late

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alyson
1/8/2013 01:33:31 am

Hi Elle - Your posts are so funny! It's like you write everything I have ever thought. You're a much better woman/ex-wife than I was, so I applaud your efforts.

About the phone - you want to strive to keep the peace so your kids are better served. However, you have every right to require that he gives you his phone number when the kids are with him. My ex tried that - he also moved and didn't want to give me his new address - even though our son was staying there overnight. The courts ruled in my favor - but what a waste of money and time to get him to do the right thing. And goodwill. You should know where your kids are at all times, that's your right. And you should have his phone number. It's non-negotiable. Nobody (lawyers, court, etc) would look at you as trying to keep your kids away from their dad for this specific reason. It's for their safety and has nothing to do with wanting to keep tabs on him! He needs to get over himself!

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Emma
1/8/2013 04:24:45 am

Ok- I'm really glad for your victories- Truly! Great Job!

But- BACK THE TRUCK UP - Did you say YG thought he was divorced when this started? Just a few simple lines in the middle there. Is this new information? You haven't said it before and it's not in the book - That's why I ask. Now don't get me wrong. I am in no way a YG fan. I don't see how anything really can justify her actions. A long time ago I made a comment (before knowing really anything about YG as you hadn't got to that part of the story) that perhaps YG is also a victim. That maybe she didn't know. That El Capitan could have told her lies and we don't know what he told her. Now since then it's been made very clear that she is no peach. She gave you dirty looks while diving off with your kids father. That is disgusting.
It just bugs me that he was lying to her. I mean she may have been stupid to believe it or to not ask questions, but maybe she did believe it. He was the one who made initial contact with her via phone anyway. He told her lies and said he was divorced. He drove there, and threw his family out of her window. Who knows what else he told her? No doubt horror stories (lies) of how awful his marriage was. Maybe she did feel like she was saving him? (snicker). Anyway- I guess it doesn't matter as although it might a tiny bit excuse that first night- (Depends on if she knew he was living with you, married and had children- I don't know how much she knew. Is it possible she didn't even know he had kids? She did send a text saying something to the effect of "you have never brought your kids up before") It doesn't excuse the fact that after she knew the scope of things life continued for them as normal. If I was told all of those lies, I sure as sh%t would have kicked him to the curb after finding out the truth. Now, I get the sense by the way things are worded that YG didn't just meet El Capitan on some random internet site. I get the sense that she knew him and some of his friends. So facts I'm sure could have been checked. Mayhaps she didn't want to check them. Mayhaps in her mind they were meant to be together, fell in love (puke) and by the time the truth was revealed it was too late, she "loved" him. (can you really love someone when you don't know them? I say no- but I can remember being swept off my feet at a young age and believing I was in love.)

Anyway- I guess my point is- She is certainly not innocent. He was the one who made vows and broke them though. He contacted her. He told her lies. He chose this path. It might bring a tiny bit of comfort to think that she lured him away. That he was put into the trap of some young yoga girls snatch. It must be so painful to realize he not only did it, he may very well have initiated it. In the end they are both douchebags so perhaps none of it matters.

Reply
shelly
1/8/2013 07:16:52 am

phone number and address are required ! period.

Reply
Butterfly
1/8/2013 12:03:58 pm

Elle, you are a beautiful woman, who is special and WILL find her Edward. I know things are hard but you must find the strength to believe in yourself again. Their is a song by Toni braxton call find me a man and that is on her secrets album. I think that is a song that woman should really listen to and really get. I think sometimes we settle instead of getting what we are truly are worth and what we deserve but trust me when I say him and Yoga girl got what they deserve each other which isn't saying much. If that friend was being genuine or just being a total fake it's whatever. In the end idiots of a feather flock together. Like I said before real friends tell you when you are doing something wrong they look out for you and want what's best for you. I believe you should want to leave a legacy of kindness and respectabilty behind. Having respect for yourself and for others . El Capitan will not have that legacy the rate he is going. But what you should do is consult a lawyer to see if he can use anything against you that you say on this blog so that you can plan accordingly. Also keep a log of every convo you have with EL Capitan just in case and also every email if you feel he threatens you. He will probably see this but I don't know your email address and I know you probably wants some semblence of privacy.

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Jaimey
1/8/2013 04:31:14 pm

Sr douche seriously needs to man up and figure this out. Honestly I hope I bump into him soon....

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