This hurts so much.
You are maybe the fifth to tenth lady I have really liked more than I could put in words.
BUT those ladies made the decision they wanted other gals and I was condemned as worthless
because I was born as a male.
I think giving up on this love thing is the right thing to do.
It is to painful to keep liking someone only to find out she hates your sex.
Not your sexual orientation, just is that she can never love you because she has made the decision that because you are male, then you are worthless, second class, useless, trash, not even worth consideration, or maybe even worse a "good friend" when that word really means there is no hope for any intimacy between the two of you for at least 3 millennial periods, should I live that long.
It just hurts to much.
Sorry Elle, it just hurts to much.
Might just go into the woods and withdraw from people and group think and such.
I see a gal, like here, and immediately I am jumping years down the road and thinking of us sharing intimate moments as we hod hands while we are in our rocking chairs as we have no other strength to do anything else, but the love and passion are just as strong as if we were engaging in fantastic sex for hours on end. By the way, I do not view sex as anything done for my pleasure, I view is as a way of doing things physically to enhance her pleasure and give her the knowledge that shows moments of physical activity have equal moments of non-physical activity where my thoughts are about what would be the very best for her as that is the supreme goal I would have in our relationship. See, I just don't fit. And I am tired of getting hurt. Don't want to walk down the road again. Introduce me to someone that I really like, and you might find I got a cell phone call and had to go take care of a business or "family" emergency (when I did not have my cell phone on me).
I know you are trying to work through things and be honest and "come out" and all of that.
I am just asking you to also sit back and think about how it feels for someone to really like you a whole lot, be willing to move out to be with you, if only I would be so blessed to have you be willing to allow that to happen, and yet none of that can happen because I was born with an incurable genetic defect, I am male.
It just plain hurt.
but I am withdrawing form lots of stuff.
Don't want the pain any more.
I know you have been following The Blog for a long time, and I also know that you have been a great friend and supporter - I have enjoyed all your emails. :)
I want to say though, and this is the reason I printed your email, I have - in no way - indicated that I "hate" men. Truth be told: I don't.
There are several great men in my life- The Papa, my brothers, and even a few friends. I know several men who have made great husbands and fathers to my friends and their kids. In no way is my being gay a statement about men in general, and truth be told, it's not even a statement about the men who have been in my life.
By no means do I think men are 'worthless', not in the least. Now, I find there are a lot of people on this planet - or all genders - who are actually totally worthless... but usually their gender has nothing to do with it. I'm sorry that the sexual choices of certain women who have crossed your path have left you feeling this way - but I can *truly* speak for them when I say that they chose what they chose for reasons that have nothing to do with any mans 'worthiness'.
I fear that thing you're missing the most is that this is *not* a choice for me.
It's just not.
I have tried to choose being with men. Drew was a great guy - looked like a young, blond Tom Cruise. We had a lot of fun running around London and being married in our twenties, but it didn't work out. Mick was great - we had some fantastic adventures. El Capitan is hilarious and looks a lot like Vince Vaughn - we had a pretty solid 7 years of happiness..... and three years of not-so-much-happiness.... but all in all - there were more good than bad.
Each of those relationships taught me something about myself. They helped me grow both personally and professionally, and I respect all of them, I loved all of them, they were not 'second class' or worthless in any way shape or form. Tragically, what they all had in common was a lack of boobs.
Boobs are kind of great.
And.... generally speaking - girls who likes other girls boobs.... are gay.
See. It doesn't have anything to do with men at all: it's allllll about girls.
Girls. Girls. Girls.
If it was about men, then I could have been happy with any of the men I was with: they were good guys.
(well... mostly good until one of them cheated... but we all know that story. lol)
My point is - I am not a lesbian because of *ANY* man. It has nothing to do with men at all. I certainly hope I haven't given you, or anyone else, that impression.
You and I *do* share the same sentiments about sex..... absolutely it's all about the girls pleasure. lololol
In the LGBTQ community there is something known as a 'stone butch' - this is a butch who doesn't like to be 'touched' or have 'reciprocal' sex. They want to do all the "work". While I fully respect that choice, it's not one that would work me in a partner because I completely agree with you XXXXXXX, it's allllll about makin' your girl happy for sure.
As for you having a desire to move out here... that's a super sweet gesture, however, we've never really met or talked ...... I am sorry that you feel I have let you down.
But, here's the thing: I was letting *myself* down for a very long time. People in my life - going back to my grade school years - know how *happy* I am now. Just the other day Miss Allison was saying that in the 5 years she's known me - she's *never* seen me this comfortable in my own skin and so happy.
If you hang in there, you'll find the right person for you - the person who goes out of their way to make you happy and you can grow old together.... but warning; any woman you find in the woods who is looking to u-haul you is probably not a good bet.
On that note..... I have been talking to the girl I went on a date with..... turns out - she's read this WHOLE entire blog (after we initially met through mutual friends) ..... and yet we're *still* going out again. lolol She's a blogger herself, so when I mentioned that I might not blog about having gone out with her.... she was surprised and said... "blog away!".
Luck you guys.... eh?
She doesn't have a Blog name yet.... still working that on one. But.... she's pretty great - has a great job doing.... let's call it 'social work', which I really respect about her. She reads a lot - (clearly she's some kind of super reader because this is a long ass blog) and she writes fiction and blogs. She's funny - and I really like her company.... and that's about all I'm going to say for now. lol
(Oh... and since I know you're reading this: don't be late for dinner, the service there is slow enough. lol ;)
And on that note.... this chick is off to bed .... oh - and off to bed *alone* because I put up the bed bought for the kids in March.... assembled that Swedish bad boy in 22 minutes (ten years of practice helps: I'm the Ikea Assembly Master now). And then I cleaned their room and separated out all their toys. I made a few piles of certain toys to go to El Captain & La Novia's house - which the kids were stoked about.
When I was all done I had only just taken the recycling out when I came back into the house and they were loading up the bed with blankets and pillows.... so it looks like 8 years of co-sleeping has come to a sudden and not-so-dramatic halt.
ON TOP OF THAT...... I was *especially* stoked when, on Saturday, The Girl came running at me to say goodbye when El Capitan came to pick them up and said, "I can't wait to play with Daddy and [La Novia]!" I just wanna' say that the *best* thing I ever did as a parent was give my children the emotional permission to love another adult in their father's life.... boof*ckingyah.
I didn't do *any* of that because I was 'gay'..... I did it because I knew - even in my darkest places emotionally - that it was the right thing to do for my children.... it was the right 'mommy' thing to do.
So.... lots of growth and happiness and independence going on around here this week - which seems fitting with July 4th just around the corner!