Sadness with a Side of Bitter... Party for One Please

9/5/2012

So.... the last few weeks have been sad, hard, frought with all kinds of things coming out that I didn't know before.... things I haven't written about and shared......

I feel like I've been especially angry and bitter as of late - which is hard for me... I'm usually the kind of person who just sux it up and moves on - but it feels like every day is groundhog day and each one starts over with me, face-down in a pitty puddle. Damn.

I'm the kind of Mom that freaks out - all the time - about putting away baby clothes and giving away baby toys and you know - putting away their childhood one stage at a time..... it's so hard for me to let go. So hard for me to accept that the crawling stage is over and now we're running and walking...... I want - no I *need* my effing crawling stage to be OVER. dammit. I gotta start walking here...... I have to.

There have been some really great comments and email though - this last week. I find emails and comments from kids who have grown up as my children will - to be THE MOST helpful. I worry about how much they know - how much they don't know.... especially The Boy. He knows more than he should. Even though the counselor said to tell him *why* from the get-go.... I always thought he shouldn't know. Then he overheard El Capitan on the phone.... and now he *knows* where his Dad is. He *knows* who his Dad is spending his time with - and it's not him...... so The Boy assumes it's Yoga Girl.

When he say's these things, I neither confirm nor deny ..... I just validate: "Yes, I understand why you would feel that way." and I leave it at that.

There was one girl who recently commented about how she was "The Girl" when she was little and her Dad left - and her words of enouragement are HUGE. I don't know that there is anyone else who's opinion I would take more seriously than a child who went through this. It means so much that she took the time to reassure me - to tell me that my children won't be all screwed up from this whole stupid situation happening.

Yoga Girl told me that my children would "be fine" - it would just depend on how I "handled it".

I promptly said, "Well, I hope you'll understand if I don't take the advice of a 22 year old who has been sleeping with my husband." and left it at that.

The truth is - I don't *know* how to handle this... I was busy trying to have a *family* - now I'm trying to read all these different books - over a dozen by now.... but almost all of them talk about a "you" in terms of both parents..... currently, the "You" is just me while El Capitan is .... well, busy.

Someone needs to write a book and it needs to say this: How to Be A Single Parent When You're Married To Someone Who Left Their Common Sense on a Cheaters Nightstand.

I'd read it.

So tomorrow, I have my pancake mix to make chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for The Girl's first day of school - and I'm soooooo excited! The Teacher was super nice - and very understanding of our situation - both the divorce and the crazy sign thing. lololol

I was quick though, to tell her that things are ...... rough - right now. But that I'm not sure anyone is.... who they are going to be down the road. That - there are some hurdles, emotionally and everyone in the family is still trying to find their place - and.... time is still needed for healing. I think she understood. I just felt weird there - without El Capitan - like she would assume he's some crappy Dad..... I'm hoping that's not the case.... he's a crappy husband for sure and... as far as ex-husband go - he pretty much sux at that, too.... but I'm still holding out hope for the rest, most important job - and hoping for the best possible outcome....

So everyone has had a bath, and a pretty outfit has been laid out - AND... we're potty trained!!!! what! what!!!!!

Awesome.

I can't wait for the world to meet My Girl - for them to see how funny she is and how goofy she is.... I hope she's a good friend to her new classmates. I hope she share's and takes turns and does her part to play with all the kids. I hope she feels safe and confident in her new world so that she can do her best......

I think may be that's what's wrong with me.... I don't feel 'safe' anymore - as a result, I don't feel confident, I'm not at my best...... like it's not even about my weight (well, kinda sorta, may be) - but - it's just about.... how do I find a way to *trust* anyone ever again?

El Capitan knew all my secrets- all my fears... he was 'in charge' of my hopes and my dreams as we wove a life together...... when someone walks away from all of that - and you're kind of just.... face down in a pitty puddle.

I think that THAT is the thing people who cheat don't understand..... it's MORE than just about El Capitan dropping his little friend in Yoga Girl's panty pool..... it's the loss of the safety and security I once had as his WIFE. It's hard to do just about *anything* when you don't feel safe.......

I think I need to work on that.... really work on that... and may be if I can figure out how to get myself to that "safe" place, I can teach that tool to the kids- so that when life hands them lemons like this - they can find their own safety and heal.

There are so many things I need to do for them.... and while I'm trying to build up BitterHouseProductions so that I can provide for them.... I think that the truth is that I have to start rebuilding this new version of my family from the INSIDE - out. I have to start at square one: safety. And then start building the rest of us - piece by piece. Not to the exclusion or ..... by putting down El Capitan in their eyes or hearts... but instead, helping them build their own sense of safety inspite of what's happened and even in the face of it.

Last night was rough.... I get so angry..... I thin about taking The Boy to preschool and how happy we all were back then and I want to run back in time and let myself know that that happiness won't last and to MAKE SURE I make the most of it while I have it.... even though - I've been teling myself that for the last seven years. lololol

Even now...... I already know that I *have* to be making the most of everyday because there's a chance I might look back and regret NOT being happy right now... things can always get worse - life can always be harder - so you have to appreciate what you have NOW and live in a place where you're grateful or you're not really "living".... you're just wasting time.

I don't want to waste time. Right now.... I want to sleep. I have to little babies I need to snugle and a beautiful little girl who will want Teddy Bear pancakes in the morning..... here's hoping I can wake up sitting *next* to the puddle instead of face down in it.

Thanks for riding it out with me today.

3 Comments

Mercy

9/6/2012 08:58:29

Reading what you said brough tears to my eyes. Glad my comment was helpful there is plenty more stories I want to share with you. Although I really wish I could do more then buy a magnet. You gave me an idea today as I was reading your posts. I would love to mail you a gift card for your kiddos and you.

Lauren

9/6/2012 09:11:10

Things will be hard but you can get through this. I too was The Girl in the situation. My dad left my mom and my family for a 14 year old girl. I was only two and a half and my brother was barely 6 months old.

I grew up being told that I'd have to make my own decisions on my father. I was told by my mom that she didn't have any hard feelings about him and that it was okay for me to want to be in his life. This is something that I felt helped the most. It allowed me to decide for myself how I wanted the relationship to go between myself and him.

I gave my father many chances but, like your El Capitan, I saw that he lied about everything. He avoided confrontation and many times placed the blame back on me for being mad that he didn’t call on his usual day and time (but hey it is totally okay to leave me sitting by the phone for months as a young 12 year old waiting every Sunday for a phone call instead of doing family activities with my actual family). His famous quote was “what is in the past is in the past” and might I just say that that is a bunch of bologna. We are made up, after all, of our past and our decisions that we make in the past. I decided then that he wasn’t a man that I wanted to get to know or understand further.
After I went away to college, my dad started following me around my work (my fault for not thinking of where he lived when I moved out of state to go to school *facepalm*). I asked my mom to tell me, in detail, the problems that she had faced. I was shocked. I had never known that the lady who my dad cheated with was half his age and was so young!!!!

My dad has never said he was sorry nor has he ever apologized for ruining our family but honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. Your kids will grow up to love you and appreciate the sacrifices that you will need to make. You will be a strong and wonderful example to them for being able to move on and show that you are better than that. I think my mom is the most fantastic woman in the world for picking herself up and moving out east to start a new life. She is a teacher and as such times were hard. No matter what happened, I saw the love and determination that my mom had for my family and how hard she worked to provide not only for our necessities but also for things that we desperately wanted (ex: dance classes, piano, gymnastics, karate, etc).

Your children will see your sacrifice. They will know that you are in the right. They now see, and in the future will even more clearly see, what El Capitan is doing. They will be hurt but also will be able to look back and see that they did have a good enough life without him in the home. You are a great mother and will be alright. It will be hard but you can and will get through this. I promise.

You have so many people that will support you. Keep writing and keep moving forward and you will find happiness again. You can do this. Take it one day at a time. Things will work out for you.

Thank you for this insight on your emotions. I haven’t really gotten much out of my mom, though the divorce files I found were very informative (it was an accident but a helpful one). She told me that my dad cheated and so we left, she left out until I was older just how many times he had cheated and what a horrible controlling man he was. Looking back, I see that we really were lucky to have such a caring and compassionate mom as being lucky to not have such a dirt bag of a man to rule over our household with an iron fist. My mom raised us to act freely and make decisions. We had rules but they were loose to help us choose the right path (and if we didn’t, we would have restrictions on our freedom). In the end, we really were better off without being tied down to her lesser half.

Keep on trucking (I just love that phrase) and slowly but surely you will be able to move on and to find joy again with your family. :)

JoL

9/6/2012 10:20:14

Men are just frickin unbelivably, jaw-dropping *A*MAZE*ING*, aren't they? (dripping w sarcasm, BTW) I am continually - practically on a daily basis - stunned and surprised by the crap my ex pulls. Even my lawyer is. And my counselor has told me that this is flat out THE most bizarre behavior she's ever heard of in her 22+ years as a couples therapist.

So - what I'm trying to say - is I'm here for you, sister. On all fronts.

My ex & I were together for 10 yrs. We decided to go ahead and get married last year, Oct 1, 2012. On the eve of our one month wedding anniversary - yes, you read that right, ONE MONTH (that would be Oct 31, 2012) I discovered he had a girlfriend.
For the past six months. Yeah - you do the math on that one.

All the "business" e-mails he was attending to on our Costa Rican honeymoon - WERE TO HER.

The camera he had to go "pick up from work" on his way to meet me at our dress rehearsal? Found out he made a quick "pit stop" to screw her.

Phone records show he was calling her while I was in the shower, texting her while I was sleeping RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. And the "business lunches" he was attending for work? Oh, he was certainly attending to some business - at her house. In her bed. Must have been a helluva buffet!

All of this found out - and he was without a house and without a car (oh, and without any money from our mutual accounts, thank you) within two hours. And he was mad AT ME. Wouldn't give me a divorce. I had to take him to court. The ridiculousness......

And reaching a little further back - my mom walked out on my dad, my brother and I on Sept 18, 1989. Still don't know why they actually split up, but it took them SIX FREAKIN YEARS to get a divorce. The one thing I can tell you is that as long as you are honest to your kids, and protect them the best you can - from EVERYTHING that a mom protects kids from, and you love them with all your heart, you and The Boy and The Girl will be just dandy.

Hang in there. Do YOUR thing - don't make them think that your happiness depends on their happiness (even tho it does - just don't let them think that - that's a lot of pressure for a kid, thinking that they have to be perky and happy and "normal" so their PLAH (that's "Parent Left At Home) will be OK).
And back to that honesty thing - it will come up. Please be honest. Don't be mean - just be truthful in the loving, mommy way that I'm sure you are.
Both of my parents (I eventually started speaking to my mother again, at the insistance of my father) STILL skirt around the topic of " the D.I.V.O.R.C.E." - and their's was 16 something years ago!

It's life - it happens - forever doesn't always mean that.
The thing to learn is that you are ok, and you will be ok, and you will make it ok. They are ok, and they will be ok, and they will make it ok.

Oh - and the learning to trust thing? It takes time. A LOT of time. But I'm actually learning to trust *me* more, and decide who I want to trust, and how much I want to trust them.

BTW - I found your site while Googling "house for sale" signs..... GO GIRL!!! *LOVE* it!!

(also, I wonder if lesbians have to deal with this kind of crap?)

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Elle Zober

Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer, potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!

You can see some of Elle's photography at:
http://www.zoberimages.com/

SITE DISCLAIMER/
POINTS OF FACT:
El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them. :)
The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs. PERIOD.
This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this might be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

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