I feel like I've been especially angry and bitter as of late - which is hard for me... I'm usually the kind of person who just sux it up and moves on - but it feels like every day is groundhog day and each one starts over with me, face-down in a pitty puddle. Damn.
I'm the kind of Mom that freaks out - all the time - about putting away baby clothes and giving away baby toys and you know - putting away their childhood one stage at a time..... it's so hard for me to let go. So hard for me to accept that the crawling stage is over and now we're running and walking...... I want - no I *need* my effing crawling stage to be OVER. dammit. I gotta start walking here...... I have to.
There have been some really great comments and email though - this last week. I find emails and comments from kids who have grown up as my children will - to be THE MOST helpful. I worry about how much they know - how much they don't know.... especially The Boy. He knows more than he should. Even though the counselor said to tell him *why* from the get-go.... I always thought he shouldn't know. Then he overheard El Capitan on the phone.... and now he *knows* where his Dad is. He *knows* who his Dad is spending his time with - and it's not him...... so The Boy assumes it's Yoga Girl.
When he say's these things, I neither confirm nor deny ..... I just validate: "Yes, I understand why you would feel that way." and I leave it at that.
There was one girl who recently commented about how she was "The Girl" when she was little and her Dad left - and her words of enouragement are HUGE. I don't know that there is anyone else who's opinion I would take more seriously than a child who went through this. It means so much that she took the time to reassure me - to tell me that my children won't be all screwed up from this whole stupid situation happening.
Yoga Girl told me that my children would "be fine" - it would just depend on how I "handled it".
I promptly said, "Well, I hope you'll understand if I don't take the advice of a 22 year old who has been sleeping with my husband." and left it at that.
The truth is - I don't *know* how to handle this... I was busy trying to have a *family* - now I'm trying to read all these different books - over a dozen by now.... but almost all of them talk about a "you" in terms of both parents..... currently, the "You" is just me while El Capitan is .... well, busy.
Someone needs to write a book and it needs to say this: How to Be A Single Parent When You're Married To Someone Who Left Their Common Sense on a Cheaters Nightstand.
I'd read it.
So tomorrow, I have my pancake mix to make chocolate chip teddy bear pancakes for The Girl's first day of school - and I'm soooooo excited! The Teacher was super nice - and very understanding of our situation - both the divorce and the crazy sign thing. lololol
I was quick though, to tell her that things are ...... rough - right now. But that I'm not sure anyone is.... who they are going to be down the road. That - there are some hurdles, emotionally and everyone in the family is still trying to find their place - and.... time is still needed for healing. I think she understood. I just felt weird there - without El Capitan - like she would assume he's some crappy Dad..... I'm hoping that's not the case.... he's a crappy husband for sure and... as far as ex-husband go - he pretty much sux at that, too.... but I'm still holding out hope for the rest, most important job - and hoping for the best possible outcome....
So everyone has had a bath, and a pretty outfit has been laid out - AND... we're potty trained!!!! what! what!!!!!
I can't wait for the world to meet My Girl - for them to see how funny she is and how goofy she is.... I hope she's a good friend to her new classmates. I hope she share's and takes turns and does her part to play with all the kids. I hope she feels safe and confident in her new world so that she can do her best......
I think may be that's what's wrong with me.... I don't feel 'safe' anymore - as a result, I don't feel confident, I'm not at my best...... like it's not even about my weight (well, kinda sorta, may be) - but - it's just about.... how do I find a way to *trust* anyone ever again?
El Capitan knew all my secrets- all my fears... he was 'in charge' of my hopes and my dreams as we wove a life together...... when someone walks away from all of that - and you're kind of just.... face down in a pitty puddle.
I think that THAT is the thing people who cheat don't understand..... it's MORE than just about El Capitan dropping his little friend in Yoga Girl's panty pool..... it's the loss of the safety and security I once had as his WIFE. It's hard to do just about *anything* when you don't feel safe.......
I think I need to work on that.... really work on that... and may be if I can figure out how to get myself to that "safe" place, I can teach that tool to the kids- so that when life hands them lemons like this - they can find their own safety and heal.
There are so many things I need to do for them.... and while I'm trying to build up BitterHouseProductions so that I can provide for them.... I think that the truth is that I have to start rebuilding this new version of my family from the INSIDE - out. I have to start at square one: safety. And then start building the rest of us - piece by piece. Not to the exclusion or ..... by putting down El Capitan in their eyes or hearts... but instead, helping them build their own sense of safety inspite of what's happened and even in the face of it.
Last night was rough.... I get so angry..... I thin about taking The Boy to preschool and how happy we all were back then and I want to run back in time and let myself know that that happiness won't last and to MAKE SURE I make the most of it while I have it.... even though - I've been teling myself that for the last seven years. lololol
Even now...... I already know that I *have* to be making the most of everyday because there's a chance I might look back and regret NOT being happy right now... things can always get worse - life can always be harder - so you have to appreciate what you have NOW and live in a place where you're grateful or you're not really "living".... you're just wasting time.
I don't want to waste time. Right now.... I want to sleep. I have to little babies I need to snugle and a beautiful little girl who will want Teddy Bear pancakes in the morning..... here's hoping I can wake up sitting *next* to the puddle instead of face down in it.
Thanks for riding it out with me today.