So, there was a second part to my ultra-fantastic weekend whereby it was proven to me over and over and over that all manner of modern technology that one uses to communicate, should be taken away from me.
My facebook and im privileges should most definitely be revoked - immediately - and trust me when I tell you that this would be for my own good.....
If it isn't *for* the blog (as in writing it) then I'm responding to emails or messages from people who read the blog, friends I've made through the blog, etc. In addition to that (and since over 15,000 people read the blog a month - if I only hear from 25% of them - it's a lot of replies to send) - I have my friends on facebook and text message, plus my clients who read me through facebook, text message and email.
Clearly, I'm not good at drawing boundaries. lolol Everyone can literally find me anywhere - any time, anyplace and talk to me. I don't mind. People are important - all manner of people. Friends are usually clients, many clients become good friends... and on it goes. I'm frequently taking a booking for a session at 9pm - mostly because new Mom's have baby brain and they forget to look at the clock, or they think I won't answer and they will leave a message. Either way, it doesn't matter to me - if I'm up I'll respond to whoever is talking to me (most of the time). ***With the exception of doing RSVP to evite.... as Jenny B and Miss Carrie would tell you (voices filled with total and complete annoyance): I don't respond to evite's. I don't know why - if you sent me the invite, I'm coming - done. Having to click a box and turn down a survey is annoying to me. haha)
So Thursday night I was at my friend Mcghee's house. Her Mother, The Chicken Lady, has been The Bubbie's best friend for over three decades and we don't get to see them *nearly* as much as we would like to. Sitting on Mcghee's couch, I'm talking to (or about, sorry Goose) - my Goddaughter, talking to Mcghee and The Chicken Lady all while the lovely Miss J was sending me some photos to look at, two clients were iming me about sessions in the Spring and..... Coffee Guy was also iming with me.
Ah.... Coffee Guy. He has a name.... thereby we know (with a slight touch of foreshadowing) that this could potentially be a player in Miss Elle's life... well - at least on Thursday it looked hopeful.... and then my fingers and send buttons and enter keys got very much in the way and the whole thing *nearly* went up in cyber flames.
Let me explain.
Thursday night the chat was fine.... though I was pretty sure I was about to send the wrong reply to the wrong person at any second while keeping track of the conversations in the room AND the ones coming in on my Kindle and phone.... though, poorly, I might admit. All was going fairly well.
Coffee Guy is nice. In a weird way he's kind of been around since the start of this whole blog thing, he has The Book - which I'm *fairly* certain once he finishes it, he will stop calling as well... but - it is what it is. I am who I am... sans the bulging arms and spinach fetish - I can't be changed.... matured, yes. Grown.. yes. Better.....? For sure. Sadly, though, as people who span the stretch of my life going back to elementary school will tell you I haven't ever changed very much. Even since then.
I don't see a whole ton of change in the near (or distant) future.
Off and on Coffee Guy and I have chatted here and there.... on the night of The Book signing he was out of town and sent me a message where he mistyped - You Will Rick.
Clearly - he meant 'rock'.... but, for one, I rocked nothing. I was too nervous, read too fast and really was just far too stunned at the number of people who had come to rock anything..... so I texted him back that from now on I would 'Rick things'. Rocking is for losers.
He responded by sending me the youtube video above.
I had forgotten how totally glorious that song, and Rick Astley himself, were. I do not fondly remember the waist high acid washed jeans... but sadly: I am old enough to have worn a pair. Not only that, but I had pegged them in at the ankles (The Bubbie *refused* to buy me the Guess jeans that had the zipper at the ankle... what a b*tch.) - I also had a matching blue denim shirt, though I usually wore mine un-tucked. I had the mall bangs that swung up and swooped over to the right and had enough mascara on my eye-lashes for several other 7th graders - I had eye-lashsd that looked more like spiders suspended above my eye lids than they did any kind of natural part of my body.
But what do you expect: we lived in Alabama at the time. lolololol
I must have watched old Rick sway and sway and circle his hands a half a dozen times... each time I laughed harder. It's funny to watch that *now* and realize it was a number one hit song in 1987 AND - that's the very kind of video that helped build the MTV empire before it stopping playing actual music and started making reality TV shows.... anyway. I took the reference to Rick as a comedic nod to our collective age - and not any kind of statement of love.
Which is a *damn* good thing because 14 year old me was all like... "Oh - look at that - he "promises" not to lie to me... "promises" not to let me down....." bwahahahaha.
Thankfully I'm not 14 anymore... though, I will admit to missing her perky c-cup and size 10 acid washed jeans - because even pulled waist high: I looked damn good in them. hahahah
Ok. So, now you know Coffee Guy. We've met for coffee once ... and chatted off and on.
Then Friday happened.
I won't go into tons of detail - but basically, I asked Coffee Guy a question and he responded. When he responded, it came in four boxes - and after crossing over to Tacoma and out of traffic - I had lost GPS for a few minutes. When the entire text came in - it came into the phone out of order.
The result was that I read the first two boxes and not the last two and got .... kinda mad. Coffee Guy will tell you that he's 'slow to anger' because he's a Dad..... I'll be the first one to admit that I'm like 65% full blood Irish (only American on that side of the family) - and if I'm mad... you're probably going to know it. You, your neighbor, my neighbor... and possibly 15,000 people a month....
You get the idea.
Now... I didn't go all Glenn Close and threaten to boil a bunny in his kitchen.... but, I was clear with my response and clear that I wasn't happy with what I'd read. And he... poor nice, sweet, direct and honest Coffee Guy was totally caught off guard.
I got home Friday night (having *not* stopped off the aforementioned booty call with the Seattle guy) - and took out my Kindle hoping to find Coffee Guy online to further explain what and where it had all gone pear shaped, because by now I could see the full text (still out of order) on the my phone and I fell horrible....
I switched on the Kindle and waited in the dark for him to sign on when Lashla (who is featured in The Book but for those still not reading it - she's my very best friend in the whole world and lives in Scotland.) signed on and due to the time zones, she is often the last person I talk to before goign to bed (usually around 1 or 2 am). We chat at this hour all the time.
Lashla and I were discussing whether or not I will be able to find the money to go to LA to meet up with her this summer (Lashla has an American boyfriend) - and we were talking for a while when Coffee Guy started popping up on the screen.
I was going back and forth, arguing with Lashla about spending money to go to LA when I still have to pay for the COBRA on my health insurance... and at the same time, trying to sort out the mess I had caused with Coffee Guy.
Nice, cute, funny.... knows about my crazy life, knows about my ex and *still* calls me anyway: Coffee Guy.
(PS... file the above under A for AWESOME in my book).
So my fingers are typing as fast as they can while I bounce back and forth - and at one of the more *tender* moments of my conversation with Coffee Guy - I go and type this fanF*ckingtastic gem:
"You are the most important person in my life... I've loved you for 14 years......"
WTH? - is what I get back.
Confused...I look down in horror and quite literally *scream* in mortification because the name at the top of the box is NOT Lashla.... it's Coffee Guy.
Understandably... he signs off and doesn't return... because now I'm anumberonef*ckingBANANAS.
So Saturday comes - but I haven't slept much because I feel like a total jack-ass - which is easy and understandable: because I am one.
Coffee Guy doesn't respond to my pleas for understanding - that I had *warned* him that iming with me would spell disaster... too many things, too many people - I was bound to eff it up. Which I did - in the most fantastic of ways - because as we all know - I don't ever do anything by halves, if you're going to blow up a friendship with someone why not do it ALL. THE. WAY?
Sunday rolls around and I'm *pretty* sure at this point that it's a done deal.
Done. Over before "it" started. Finished. And who could blame the guy......? Right - I mean - I'm not exactly a super model, I have this rather... unique past - and.... now I've just confessed my undying love for a virtual stranger.... I think we all know that that could *possibly* actually add up to me boiling his bunny in a pot on his stove... or something very similar. He has every right to run....
And the thing is... he's good. He's good and kind and honest. I wasn't expecting to meet him, I wasn't even *looking* for him... but there he was. OH - and let's be SUPER clear... I'm not saying Coffee Guy is the "him" of my future.... but I'll be honest and admit that I did think I would ever trust another man ever again - no matter who he was.
Let's just take Coffee Guy off the table (which is easy now that I scared the living sh*t out of the guy) - but it's hard to give yourself to someone. To commit yourself to someone and build a life with them - and have them walk out on you. In those early months I was pretty sure that I would never, ever be able to trust another living person for the rest of my life. I was certain that I was broken and shattered in ways that splintered through my very core: leaving me irrevocably damaged.
Back then, I made - what I felt - were the *right* decisions. Day four I made the choice that vengeance had no place in my future life of two houses... and no matter how many lies I uncovered, now matter how many more painful and hurtful and downright cruel things were done to me... I held steadfast to my resolve that I would not be compromised. My family, my marriage - my entire life had been compromised in a way that it would never, ever recover: and I couldn't let that happen to *me*.
I never wavered.
The mediator said - go for spousal. I did not.
My friend said - I have cement shoes and a get-a-way car: but I refused her offer. (and then laughed alot)
The Bubbie said - burn his sh*t on the lawn: I packed it and rented him a storage unit.
No matter what: I made the *right* choices. Period.
I did the right thing.
I don't mean that to sound glorious.... it doesn't make me special - or even especially good - but it was the one thing I could do. It was the one thing I could control: myself.
I can look back and while I see a broken and decimated me, the important thing is: I still see *me*.
There's not a me I'm ashamed of. There's not a me who made poor choices rooted in anger and vengeance who will have to later hang in her head in shame while explaining her actions to their grown children.
There's not a me who 'screwed' anyone out of anything.
I am still the same person at my core today - that I was a year ago. I am still the same girl who pulls over at the site of an accident to help, doesn't charge clients who can't afford to pay, who has an Irish temper and a quick wit that will cut just about anyone to shreds (though usually just Comcast and TMobile when they overcharge me) - and who will *always* be Team Edward.
I don't have to look back on the past year be ashamed. I protected their identities when they didn't even deserve it. I showed kindness and extended a certain level of protection to two people who not only robbed me of everything I thought I loved... but were bereft of any remorse and feeling about doing it.
And hell yeah I'm tooting my horn here... because you know what I figured out?!?!?!
Because I did that - because I stayed strong... I came out the other side of this funking mess - whole, and still *me*. Woof*ckinghoo for that.
Seriously. Take notes people, when you devise to hurt other people you will almost *always* hurt yourself instead. Period.
So..... Coffee Guy comes along and I'm thinking to myself.... "why aren't I running?"
I don't feel like I need to be saved: I'm not looking for a white knight.
I don't feel broken and alone: I'm not desperate for attention.
The books say I'll be "too broken" to trust, that I will destroy future relationships with my questions and inability to trust.... and yet.... I trust Coffee Guy.
Yeah... I know: crazy, huh?
but, if you met him - you would trust him, too. He's just... kind of like that.
So, the more we talked the more I waited to get scared (could still happen for sure) - but instead, I just found myself laughing at his jokes and enjoying his company: like a normal, whole, person.
Wow... what a freaking revelation that was.
Now... I'm not saying Coffee Guy is my Edward.... not at all. I'm not writing "Mrs. Coffee Guy" on my pee-chee folder and drawing hearts on the cover of my Trapper Keeper that say CG + E = TRUE LOVE. Far from it... but I was kind of hoping that *may be* he might ask me out for dinner.....
And I then I blew it.
And I blew in world-class Elle Style.
And no... I didn't spend the weekend crying into my pillow. There were no 80s montages set to sad love songs.... but I knew I blew it and I was (at the very least) disappointed with myself.
Who wouldn't be?
And then..... because I'm right about everything - and Coffee Guy *is*, in fact: a great guy, he called.
He said he thought about it - and went back over the stream of messages... and while it all seemed kind of nuts.... he wanted to go back and start again from Thursday and just pretend the whole thing never happened.
A do-over. Wow... how awesome is that?
So after it all... Coffee Guy rides again..... who knows for how long... but I'm curious to see what happens.
So.... that was the *rest* of my weekend... and then, just to prove that I *really* need to have my facebook and im privileges revoked, I was chatting this morning to my friend Malia who recently lost her Grandma and were talking on im about it. She was very close to her Grandma, who had pretty much raised by her - so her passing on Friday was a huge loss. Malia was reaching out to me for comfort and here's what happened:
"It's alright... she was in ALOT of pain, and didn't want hospitals or treatment anymore.
She just wanted to go peacefully, which she did on a sunny Friday afternoon......"
Certainly not a bad way to go - it's still hard on all of you who lose her, though. I'm so sorry, Malia.
It's ok, at least she's not in pain anymore.
and she's not hurting anymore.
Its SAS, you're right - that's a good thong.
or rather.... it's SAD - or thong - may be Granny liked thongs.....
sigh... it's been a long weekend. sorry about that.
lol wowwwwwwww. no sh*t. lol"
Yup.... again. it was a long weekend.
I don't know *what* will come of Coffee Guy.... new friend? We'll have to wait and see - but for the near future, he's agreed that any conversation we have should be over the phone or in person - and we should leave the chatting off for a while.....
See... I told you Coffee Guy was a smart guy. lololololololol