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Protecting Their Innocence.....

2/20/2013

7 Comments

 
Sigh.  Is there an infinity simple on this keyboard.....?
Sigh X1000

I got a lovely wee email yesterday from a *fanf*ckingtastic* person who informed me that I'm failing my children by not working harder to 'protect the children's innocence'.

In the first place, I cannot begin to tell you how much *I* love getting parenting advice from strangers.  No really - I love it.  In fact, *every* mother does...... I simply walk around the Wal-Mart, kids akimbo in the cart - *not* belted in - filling it up with every sugar cereal, bags up on bags of candy while The Boy smokes a fattie and The Girl cracks open a PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon for those *not* living in Oregon or in a trailer court) - because round these parts we're raisin' those kids right.

Of course, I do this while texting and pushing the cart in my house slippers with my dress tucked into the back of my nude-colored tights:  tits out.

I do this with a keen desire... nay - a *yearning* for people to come up to me to dispense to me their finest parenting tips.  No.  Really.  That's how I spend my Sunday afternoons.

In the second place, and from a more honest standpoint.... there is *only* so much I can protect my children from as there is only so much I can control.  So, let's be clear:

I cannot control things I do not do.
I cannot control who does, or does not call my children.
I cannot control the fact that my children know their Dad has a girlfriend. (because *I* didn't tell them!)
I cannot control the fact that their Father *has* a girlfriend. (note:  currently, I could care less. lolol)

NONE of these things are under my control and yet.... are my problem.
Fair enough. 
There are, indeed, worse problems to have in this world.

Since I cannot control these things, I will not *lie* about these things.  In the first place, to have a good solid lie that stands the test of time one has to have history with the subject  and an understanding of why you're lying... and I have neither of those.

In the second place, *I* do not think lying to anyone is going to do anything other than screw up my children further.  Let's *assume* I could 'protect' them from 'the truth' - that I could somehow convince them that living in two homes is a *great* f*cking idea:  this is fun... sleeping in a full-size bed, all your toys stuffed into storage while you're aging out of them and by the time we get a place of our own they'll be fit for the goodwill.... YES!  THAT is an awesomef*ckingtime.  lololol

Let's assume I could make that happen... oh- and by the way, I'll let ya'll know when that works because I'll be paying my rent in Unicorn horns and sliding down the sunnier side of a rainbow - and we can *all* benefit from some Unicorns and rainbows... right?

But that's just the thing....we sell our kids *lies* to 'protect' their innocence.... flying horses, Beasts that change at the hands of a Beauty, witches and wizards and little boys that do magic are real, racism doesn't exist, cookies won't make you fat AND are a great way to heal all skinned knee's, and you will live in a home with two parents who love each other, never fight and never 'accidentally' have sex with 22 year olds.....

We feed our children good lies - Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny.... no one feels 'robbed' when they realize that those things aren't real.... we always suspected it - so it's no real shocker when we find out the truth.

Some truth, however, is harder to find out - and much more damaging when we find it out much later in life.  What happens to my children if I work really hard (otherwise known as lie a lot and cover up the hurtful and convenient truth of what's really happening in their world) - but their world is "safe" and good and whole..... and then:  it's not.  Only, they don't find out it's not for years or decades... and during *that* time they've built up their self-esteem, their lives, their morals and values and part of WHO THEY ARE.... only to find out:  it was lies.

What about their adult innocence?  Is it not incredibly damaging to build a strong foundation for your children directly on an emotional fault line whereby you just sit and wait for the earthquake to come along and take them down?

Sorry:  not gonna happen.

I do *not* expose them to anything.  But what I won't do is lie.  Life is going to *suck* - and you can either see it coming and roll with the punches... or run like a little b*tch and let life take you later.  I learned a long time ago that taking my hits *now* is waaaaaay freakin' easier than letting them stack up for later.

So no, I do *not* go out of my way to protect my children's innocence  nor do I think I should.  What I *need* to do, what I have done:  is teach them how to deal with *life*.

Yes... people are going to do really sh*tty things..... and you can't always walk away from that person or the situation.  Sometimes it's someone worth fighting for.  Sometimes it's not.

The *important* life lesson to learn is that not everything that happens around you or *to* you is a reflection of you.  Thus far *that* is a message The Boy has gotten loud and clear.  He does struggle to process the choices his Dad makes... but - he knows those are HIS DAD's CHOICES.  He knows there is nothing he could do - should do - to make it different.  He has separation from those choices.  

I believe that knowing and understanding that will help my children build a solid foundation of compassion and self-confidence where they know people *can* and will hurt them, but that they can deal with that hurt, build a bridge over it and move the f*ck on.... (as Tupac once infamously said).

I actually think that too many adults are still (desperately) holding onto the fantasy that everyone has two loving parents who live under the same roof.... and these people can't fathom that that doesn't happen for everyone.  Well... it doesn't.  I think these people confuse their idealism for innocence.  

Plus.... idealism and innocence aren't the strongest foundations for a solid adult.

I'm not bitter... i'm not angry.... but that doesn't mean I'm not going to pretend things aren't different, because what we live *day to day* isn't Unicorns and rainbows and two loving parents in one house.... but you know what - we don't sh*t in a hole The Boy had to dig with a broken shovel while we bathe our clothes and our bodies in HIV infested water and fly's aren't using our eyeballs and foreheads as their own personal skating rinks..... so yeah:  life could be *much* worse.  And YES, my children are made aware of the hardships people of all colors - in other countries face.  

Wah... we share a room.
Wah.... you're parents are divorced.
Wah.... you have to live in a warm house that has air-conditioning  The Bubbie makes dinner every night, does our laundry and plays with you alllll day.

Let's face facts people..... life is just *not* that rough.

Sexual abuse:  robs you of your innocence.
Physical abuse:  robs you of your innocence.
Gang violence:  robs you of your innocence.
Being Lied to:  robs you of your innocence.

Growing up in truth, even if it's a hard truth, if you are taught to deal with it, laugh with it and *grow* WITH it.... you may not be innocent, but you will be strong, self-confident, compassionate, able to laugh and see the world through *fair* eyes where not everything will be perfect, not everything will work out the way you wanted, but you will be able to accept that and still dream about making things better.  

So no.... thoughtful email writer:  my children aren't as innocent as they once were, but I dare to think that on some level, they might just be better people for it.

Thanks for your two cents though..... please feel free to seek me out at Wal-Mart on Sunday.
I'll be the one in the sock-monkey slippers buying a shotgun and letting The Boy load it while he rides in the *main* shopping cart:  not in the seat.  






7 Comments
Hohni
2/20/2013 10:26:42 pm

Just in case you don't hear it enough...YOU, my dear, ROCK!!

Reply
shelly
2/20/2013 10:36:49 pm

I read this other blog and while I was reading yours, one that he wrote kept popping in my head. When you say you tell your kids the truth so that they know sometimes life just stinks (which I totally agree with you on) this is part of the one he wrote, His wife died 24 hours after having their daughter and he is a great dad and just sometimes tells it like it is, So this is what Matt has to say about jumping in the pud puddles "so of course she wanted to jump in the puddle (who wouldn’t). i told her she could, but if she did, she may get wet, and that if she got wet, she may hate her life (an expression i use often to explain the potential consequences of her actions). three jumps and some wet pants later, maddy said, “daddy, i’m soaking wet and i don’t hate my life.” "

Just keep smiling You are doing Great!!!!!!

Reply
Scott
2/21/2013 12:12:06 am

Don't EVEN SWEAT that comment!!! Trust me....I got 4 step mothers and your rocking right along. I've read every blog you posted since day one and all in all, you are doing great. I've read nothing that would make me think you suck as a mother.....I WISH I had a father that was doing HALF of the things your doing with your kids. I was an only kid and my dad, may he rest in peace, but he sucked. I truly realize that moreso now that I have a 9 year old. Those divorces were late 60's to the late 70's.....different time back then, but still, a parent is a parent. Dad was a total "ladies man." And back then, that included the term "free love" and dad would cash that in. Lot of partying, lots of women and I got put on the way side. Missed a LOT of things growing up. Funny, most of the good memories of my father were when he was drinking. Took me a while to realize that and battled my own demons, but preservered. Anyway, heed my words Elle......you are doing nothing wrong and doing everything you can, and then some. I totally respect that and the kids will be better of for that effort and will see that.....I think "the boy" is seeing that now based on some of the comments that you have quoted him on. Keep up the good work and the cards will fall in the right place.

Reply
Kay
2/21/2013 03:17:38 am

Well, I TOTALLY agree with you Elle and very well said I might add.

Another rather interesting and VERY F*CKING REAL situation is when someone who is a *licensed psychologist* is court appointed to do what's called an EVALUATION for which parent is best suited to parent.

SHE makes the recommendation that the father is as he lives in a house (being paid for my the wife) and he has a girlfriend of 3 weeks who uses cocaine and pot in from of the children and as soon as he is DIVORCED he and GF of three weeks will marry and settle into happy ever after.... Oh yeah... and one child has multiple disabilities.

Fast forward 40 months later... that *licensed psychologist* and her wonderful professional recommendation has caused the disabled child to NEVER BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN, the husband and his GF lasted 18 months....

So for ANYONE who has not walked in a divorced mother's shoes but has the GUTS to tell a mother how to protect her children's innocent... THEY NEED TO SHUT THEIR F*CKING MOUTHS until they EXPERIENCE the same situation.

I will assure them... IT IS NOT EASY to be a single mother, and the CHILDREN are WAY BETTER OFF knowing the TRUTH and growing up knowing the truth than to SUGAR COAT the lies to make them sweeter.

Your *EMAILER* needs a lesson in HARD CORE motherhood.

Okay off my rant.... (I would love to meet that email writer)

Reply
Taun-Taun
2/21/2013 03:51:10 am

I love you. That's all. :)

Seriously. This is AWESOME! People are so freaking afraid of the truth. I have been slammed for being honest about my father. As if lying about it takes away all the pain, suffering and evil.

My kids are better when I tell them the truth. Innocence has to do with the heart more than anything. Truth about life doesn't rob them of their innocence. Parents who refuse to do the right thing, by TEACHING them how to deal with REAL life...that robs their innocence.

Just my 2 cents.

Reply
Susan G.
2/21/2013 04:16:53 am

You Go Girl! You are correct. "Saving" your children's innocence, only to have them lose it later, and most likely while you are not around to explain/defend your actions, would be almost criminal. The truth, handed out with love and explanations from someone they trust, is so much better in the long run. As all parents know - there is no Parents Manual that tells you what to do in every circumstance. We have all learned as we go - but the truth can never be bad, nor does it have to be remembered in such a way as to not forget the lie told instead. The person who thinks you are robbing your children of their innocence obviously has not led much of a life....or maybe simply has their head up their A$$.

Reply
Melissa
2/26/2013 12:05:59 am

Thanks for your post, Shelly. I went to find the other blog and subscribed. For those who may want to check it out, it's at http://www.mattlogelin.com/

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