Every time I hit one of these "one year" marks, I usually have to force myself to stop and notice them.... I actually *missed* the one year anniversary of our actual divorce - because frankly.... it doesn't mean much to me. Sometimes I think (in the run-up to the day) that I'll be upset.... like on what would have been our 11 year anniversary, or the day that I found out about La Novia..... yet, for the most part, I wasn't upset or bothered by them at all.
Today however, was Father's Day: today was different.
One year ago, things were..... bad. El Capitan wasn't around much at the time, the kids were seeing him barely once a week, and..... not at all last year on Father's Day. Not at all.
Sigh.
I was heartbroken for the kids and I feared that not only had we *already* failed them by getting divorced, but that we would fail them further and El Capitan's absence might become a continuous thing. You see, being a Mom is *very* complicated.
You are a Mom FIRST.
You are a wife second.
You are an employee of some kind.... either at a work place or at home.
You are a friend.
You are a daughter.
You are a volunteer at school or some other worthy cause.
You are ..... you: but *you* come last.
For me, even standing in the rubble of our marriage - the KIDS and their relationships with *both* of us took an immediate front seat on this journey. I made every choice and every decision with them in mind - and me.....? I was kind of waaaaaaaay back at the end of the line and I would "deal" with me later.... first and foremost, I had to fix their world. Standing alone on Father's Day, I was keenly aware of *how much* work we would both have to put into this to restore (and keep) their world to a safe and happy place for them.
I spent every single day thinking about how to handle things, how to approach things for the benefit of the children -and yes... sometimes that also benefited El Capitan, however, it was *never* done because I was gay. I was *still* the same me. I still had to heal the children and myself. I had to deal with *Everything* that went wrong in my marriage- talk things with our El Capitan.... I had to help the children heal - and.... I had to give El Capitan time and space to start to heal himself.
There was no easy way out. There were days that felt as though there was no end to the pain I was feeling.... I lost my best friend and husband - gay or not... that was kind of a big f*cking deal. Seriously. I can concede that while I was not always the best wife.... I sure as sh*t am a pretty good ex-wife.
I can promise you that.
We both failed each other during our marriage.... but failing the children *after* that was simply not an option for me. So when we spent last year on Father's Day without El Capitan, I was heartbroken.
Several people have written to say that clearly now - the reason I have a good attitude about things, the reason I could laugh and smile and be happy - was because obviously I never really loved El Capitan OR - I got "what I wanted" and could now just go out and "be gay" - so none of mattered anyway.......WRONG. lolol
I had a good attitude because some of the time I chose to have one... and some of the time I didn't.
I moved on... because I HAD to, I had no choice.
What I *did* choose was "how" we moved on. I chose how to handle things with El Capitan and with our children and no matter how angry or hurt or livid I was..... I *always* made choices with the children at the FRONT of the line. Every. Single. F*cking. Time. PERIOD.
This Father's Day..... the fruits of *my* labor (and oh yes.... i'm taking credit for this one) - were easily seen.
The Girl was using her white board and a marker and she wanted to write "everyone in the family" on her board. She started with 'Mommy', Then The Boy, then Papa, Bubbie, Daddy.... and then she said, "Mommy, how do you spell [La Novia's] name?"
I told her and then The Girl wrote La Novia's name on her white board, right there with HER family.
BooF*ckingYah.
Do you know *how* many women - gay or straight - would have NEVER EVER EVER wanted their four year old daughter to write the name of the woman who broke up their marriage in a place with other family names?
Do you know *how* many women would NOT be okay with their daughter consider La Novia family?
For me.... it's a victory. It's an absolute win.
First of all - the kids like La Novia because she's kind of cool. I hear that she makes good mac'n'cheese and she does art project with them and hangs out with them..... so, they like her, in part, because she's likeable and *SHE* puts the effort and time into getting to know them and making it work.
However.... the *reason* both the children are *open* to this is because I have worked pretty hard to make sure that this family and this new place that they operate from emotionally, is a SAFE one. I have made sure that they were open to La Novia being a part of their lives.
I have spent the last year of OUR lives, working hard to teach them to understand that sometimes people you love hurt you, they let you down... but you can move past the hurt, you can love them anyway -and when you're ready and they are ready.... you can move on together if you want to. They know what their Dad did, they know who La Novia is... but I have set an example of humility and humor and openness. I did that because THAT is what's best for them... that's a life tool that they are going to use over and over and over... and no doubt, they will need to use that with me for one reason or another. No one is perfect. I sure as sh*t never said I was... lolol
Today..... having the kids come home with stories of being with Dad and how much he liked his presents.... and stories about La Novia.... It hit me just how far we have all come.
It made me very, very happy that *THEY* have come so far in year..... that part of their safety has been restored and they ARE actually living (rather happily) with two families- and that's kind of cool... it's certainly what's best for them..... for all of us really.
All of those choices were made because I'm a Mom... not because I'm gay.
Just fyi.... lolololol
Today however, was Father's Day: today was different.
One year ago, things were..... bad. El Capitan wasn't around much at the time, the kids were seeing him barely once a week, and..... not at all last year on Father's Day. Not at all.
Sigh.
I was heartbroken for the kids and I feared that not only had we *already* failed them by getting divorced, but that we would fail them further and El Capitan's absence might become a continuous thing. You see, being a Mom is *very* complicated.
You are a Mom FIRST.
You are a wife second.
You are an employee of some kind.... either at a work place or at home.
You are a friend.
You are a daughter.
You are a volunteer at school or some other worthy cause.
You are ..... you: but *you* come last.
For me, even standing in the rubble of our marriage - the KIDS and their relationships with *both* of us took an immediate front seat on this journey. I made every choice and every decision with them in mind - and me.....? I was kind of waaaaaaaay back at the end of the line and I would "deal" with me later.... first and foremost, I had to fix their world. Standing alone on Father's Day, I was keenly aware of *how much* work we would both have to put into this to restore (and keep) their world to a safe and happy place for them.
I spent every single day thinking about how to handle things, how to approach things for the benefit of the children -and yes... sometimes that also benefited El Capitan, however, it was *never* done because I was gay. I was *still* the same me. I still had to heal the children and myself. I had to deal with *Everything* that went wrong in my marriage- talk things with our El Capitan.... I had to help the children heal - and.... I had to give El Capitan time and space to start to heal himself.
There was no easy way out. There were days that felt as though there was no end to the pain I was feeling.... I lost my best friend and husband - gay or not... that was kind of a big f*cking deal. Seriously. I can concede that while I was not always the best wife.... I sure as sh*t am a pretty good ex-wife.
I can promise you that.
We both failed each other during our marriage.... but failing the children *after* that was simply not an option for me. So when we spent last year on Father's Day without El Capitan, I was heartbroken.
Several people have written to say that clearly now - the reason I have a good attitude about things, the reason I could laugh and smile and be happy - was because obviously I never really loved El Capitan OR - I got "what I wanted" and could now just go out and "be gay" - so none of mattered anyway.......WRONG. lolol
I had a good attitude because some of the time I chose to have one... and some of the time I didn't.
I moved on... because I HAD to, I had no choice.
What I *did* choose was "how" we moved on. I chose how to handle things with El Capitan and with our children and no matter how angry or hurt or livid I was..... I *always* made choices with the children at the FRONT of the line. Every. Single. F*cking. Time. PERIOD.
This Father's Day..... the fruits of *my* labor (and oh yes.... i'm taking credit for this one) - were easily seen.
The Girl was using her white board and a marker and she wanted to write "everyone in the family" on her board. She started with 'Mommy', Then The Boy, then Papa, Bubbie, Daddy.... and then she said, "Mommy, how do you spell [La Novia's] name?"
I told her and then The Girl wrote La Novia's name on her white board, right there with HER family.
BooF*ckingYah.
Do you know *how* many women - gay or straight - would have NEVER EVER EVER wanted their four year old daughter to write the name of the woman who broke up their marriage in a place with other family names?
Do you know *how* many women would NOT be okay with their daughter consider La Novia family?
For me.... it's a victory. It's an absolute win.
First of all - the kids like La Novia because she's kind of cool. I hear that she makes good mac'n'cheese and she does art project with them and hangs out with them..... so, they like her, in part, because she's likeable and *SHE* puts the effort and time into getting to know them and making it work.
However.... the *reason* both the children are *open* to this is because I have worked pretty hard to make sure that this family and this new place that they operate from emotionally, is a SAFE one. I have made sure that they were open to La Novia being a part of their lives.
I have spent the last year of OUR lives, working hard to teach them to understand that sometimes people you love hurt you, they let you down... but you can move past the hurt, you can love them anyway -and when you're ready and they are ready.... you can move on together if you want to. They know what their Dad did, they know who La Novia is... but I have set an example of humility and humor and openness. I did that because THAT is what's best for them... that's a life tool that they are going to use over and over and over... and no doubt, they will need to use that with me for one reason or another. No one is perfect. I sure as sh*t never said I was... lolol
Today..... having the kids come home with stories of being with Dad and how much he liked his presents.... and stories about La Novia.... It hit me just how far we have all come.
It made me very, very happy that *THEY* have come so far in year..... that part of their safety has been restored and they ARE actually living (rather happily) with two families- and that's kind of cool... it's certainly what's best for them..... for all of us really.
All of those choices were made because I'm a Mom... not because I'm gay.
Just fyi.... lolololol
HOWEVER..... because I *AM* Gay.... and proud: I spent the last four days being proud at Portland Pride.
It was simply amazing.
Once I came out, I wasted no time at all going out and making friends and finding ways to be apart of my LGBTQ community. One of the most *amazing* things I found was HotFlash Inferno dances. They are dance parties for lesbians over 30.
And yeah.... they are generally kind of amazing..... lol
How could they *not* be? 300 or so hot women in one room... I'm not sure it get's much better.....
Oh wait: it does when there are 1,100 of them!!!! lolol
I was fortunate enough to become friends with the women who own and run Inferno - Pauline and Joyce, and several months ago I started being the 'door girl' - welcoming people in.
When it came time to planning our big PRIDE dance.... I was promoted to running our entire line-up and taking care of our special VIP performer.... Vicci Martinez - from The Voice.
Vicci was AMAZING.
The dance was AMAZING..... and I was just humbled.... totally humbled. It's a wonderful and beautiful thing to see so many people within our community feels safe and being who they are.... who they were born to be -and doing it openly and freely.
It was simply amazing.
Once I came out, I wasted no time at all going out and making friends and finding ways to be apart of my LGBTQ community. One of the most *amazing* things I found was HotFlash Inferno dances. They are dance parties for lesbians over 30.
And yeah.... they are generally kind of amazing..... lol
How could they *not* be? 300 or so hot women in one room... I'm not sure it get's much better.....
Oh wait: it does when there are 1,100 of them!!!! lolol
I was fortunate enough to become friends with the women who own and run Inferno - Pauline and Joyce, and several months ago I started being the 'door girl' - welcoming people in.
When it came time to planning our big PRIDE dance.... I was promoted to running our entire line-up and taking care of our special VIP performer.... Vicci Martinez - from The Voice.
Vicci was AMAZING.
The dance was AMAZING..... and I was just humbled.... totally humbled. It's a wonderful and beautiful thing to see so many people within our community feels safe and being who they are.... who they were born to be -and doing it openly and freely.
It was an amazing weekend - for both halves of my family
RSS Feed