Saturday, El Capitan came over... and he was ready to fight. I had sent him a text - albeit accurate, could be seen as slightly snarky.... and he was livid pissed. Which.. kind of didn't make sense.
So, he vented and I listened - I didn't back down on my position on what I sent him, but I quickly identified that he wasn't mad at me - he was just mad in general.
So I listened and listened some more, and I just kept asking what had happened that made him so angry. At first he didn't want to tell me - he was avoiding it and kept on at me. But it didn't work.
We were married for over TEN YEARS... if I didn't learn a thing or two about how he operates,, then I would have been a super sh*tty wife - and I was not. I know when he pissed at *me* and when he pissed at someone else and just 'taking it out on me'. Now... don't get all worried - but I think we *all* know that we tend to turn to the people who know us best and vent.... regardless of what's happened - you can't just take an eraser to 10 years of friendship and relationship.
Oh... and if you have two kids together: you shouldn't.
So, I kept on him and eventually he told me that someone said something kind of nasty to him about the situation and his choices and what not..... and I guess it was really nasty stuff.
Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinions and.... at the same time - I have no doubt some of El Capitan's friends, or people in his life, might be unimpressed with his choices and the collective outcome. However... what good comes of that *now*?
Why not speak up *while* you knew he was cheating on me?
That might have been a stellar idea - and perhaps might have stopped this whole mess.
Why not speak up just *after* the affair?
That might have saved all of us some pain.
But someone waits until *now* when we are good terms and the kids are seeing him twice a week... they wait until NOW to say something hurtful that makes El Capitan angry?
Let me be *super clear* - if/when I'm unhappy with El Capitan - I'll be the FIRSTf*ckingPERSON to tell him. Make no bones about it. I have no problem sharing my feelings - the good, the bad and the ugly..... with El Capitan. To his credit - he always listens and nods - even if he's just humoring me - but he listens to what I have to say.
*IF* I had anything to say to El Capitan: I would be saying it.
Since I'm not.... I would politely suggest that no one else should have anything to say - in regards to ME, our marriage, it's consequential breakdown... etc. - because that's no one's place but mine.
Sure, I fully understand, people *have* and are entitled to their opinion. Fair enough. But, we're rounding the corner now to almost a full year - ONE YEAR! Crazy. And look how far I've come.......
If you read The Blog, then you've seen tons of of emails and comments from people who were either a 'Yoga Girl' or an 'El Capitan' and how they *almost* always regret what they did and how they did it.... that they feel tremendous guilt and sorrow for what they've done. Is it not at all possible that this might apply to my El Capitan and Yoga Girl?
I think it's possible.
Now don't go freaking out......
But how long can you 'punish' someone.....?
How long can you hold this against someone?
How long is long enough - to where you just say - ok... it happened, we wallowed, we cried, we healed: we moved on.
When we don't let things go - we think we're 'proving' something, or protecting ourselves from being hurt again - when it's usually the opposite that will happen. If we hold onto these things, hold onto grudges to hold against people -what we're really doing is holding ourselves away from people and hiding behind our pain.
Let me explain.
Crossing the bridge and waiting on the other side for life to move on... that is going to involve other potential partners. I can't be dragging this sh*t into that relationship like a dead cat. It'll fester and die and kill everything around it, including any potential relationship. That seems like a notoriously bad idea.
So, *I'm* not dragging these things with me... and no one else in our collective lives should be either.
What possible good can come from that?
While El Capitan was venting he was apologizing because, as he put it, he doesn't get to "sh*t" on my life and then complain about whatever it making him mad. True.... but also not true.
El Capitan's ex-wife could give a rats-ass .... seriously. lololol
My Kids Mother, however, has a vested interest in El Capitan finding personal success - because my children deserve two, happy whole parents so that *they* can be happy and whole children.
Thankfully, El Capitan's ex-wife hasn't made decisions in regards to this divorce or the sign, or The Blog, or The Book.... and she's still not. She's just a silent partner at this point.
I'm .... happy.
I'm in a good place, and may be... just *may be* I'm in that good place now because I'm no longer with El Capitan.
Sometimes we think we know what love is, or we think we know what we need - until we lose it all and what we need and love and want and .... need: gets redefined in a new and more purposeful way.
Again... if you're dragging in the festering cat.... you're too busy avoiding the small to see the redefining.
I'm baggage and festering cat free... and my advice to anyone around us, is to be that as well.
I may not be super impressed with his choices, but *I* don't have to be: that is a burden for Yoga Girl now.
I may not ever want to be "with" him again (and I very much do not): but that doesn't mean I wish failure for him.
I do not.
I will not delight in other people saying sh*tty things to him.
That's the wrong thing to do.
i'm not sure this is coming across as clear as I want it too.... but. Hmm..... sigh.
Here's the deal: there has to come a time in everyone's life where you provide yourself the ability to heal by letting go of the things have hurt you. If you pick up a rock, only to discover it's lava and has burned your hand - you don't continue to hold the rock in anger at the rock because it burned you.
You put that sh*t down, bandage your hand and walk away.
You don't take the rock with you.
If you don't put your rocks down... the only one getting burned, is you.
I put down all the rocks months ago... and while a few keep flying up and smacking me square between the eyes on several occasions... I keep putting them back down and moving forward.
A year later... everyone else should be, too.
Finally. And this is..... going to sound crazy... ... but it's the truth:
No matter who you are - we are all different versions of ourselves depending on who we are talking too.
When I was in high school, I worked at a McDonalds in Iowa. We had an older man who worked there- he walked everywhere. Everyday at the end of shift, we'd see him walk to the left, buy a 6 pack and then walk back across the front of the store and head home carrying his 6 pack.
He was funny and nice - and always had a smile for all of us. He was kind of like everyone's 'Dad' on the crew and we all liked him very much.
One day he came in to work to show us pictures (from *very* far away) of his sons high school graduation. He had gone - sat way far in the back and left after the ceremony without talking to his son. I asked him why and he said that he had been a sh*tty Dad and knew that he wasn't wanted there.
Around the same time I had hooked up with a guy who worked at the local mall... we'd made out a few times, nothing serious - but we hung out after our shirts ended at 9pm. Not long into summer, we were meeting up and he came to pick me up at work, and climbing into his car, he nodded at the front doors and said, "Did you know my Dad works there?"
"Huh? What... i work with your Dad? What's his name?"
He told me his Dad's name and it was the old man with the 6 packs. I *very* quickly told him about how much I adored his Dad.... and he was quiet.
He said nothing, we just sat there with the car running until he said, "yeah that's nice ... but he didn't even come to my graduation."
At first, in my 18 years of wise experience....I didn't know what I should say, this was a family matter and perhaps I shouldn't share what I knew... but - you know - it's *me* so I fessed right the f*ck up and told him all about how his Dad had come the Monday after graduation with photos and stories and how he was bragging about his son and how proud he was.
I went on for waaaaaay too long. It became clear that the man *I* knew his Dad to be - what *not* the man he knew him to be... we are *all* different people to all the people in our lives... yet, I was waaaaaay too animated in my re-telling and even when the car felt awkward, I just kept telling him all about his Dad.
When I was done talking, we sat silent, the car still running, and by now - the boys were leaning out the drive-thru window and staring at us because we hadn't pulled out of the parking space.
When he finally spoke, he wouldn't look at me, just told me that he had to go and leaned over and opened my door.
I immediately felt *horrible* - apologized for sticking my nose in where it didn't belong, hoped out, shut the door and he drove away without another word.
It was a week or so before I saw the Dad (because I was working the night shift for summer hours and he worked opening hours) - but the next time I saw him he came flying up to me with a giant hug. He said that he son had called and they had been meeting up and having lunch and that things were going well.
It turns out that it had been several years since they had talked. Both harboring pain and fear and resentment - and the Dad was too ashamed to face them, thinking he wasn't wanted.
All my friend wanted, in spite of the past: was his Dad.
My telling him that his Dad had taken several city buses to sit alone at the graduation ceremony and leave without telling anyone to avoid any kind of scene.... well: that simple act of the Dad's healed a lot of wounds for the son - and he only needed to know about it. Which is where my big mouth came in.
I didn't any special - I just spoke up and told him the truth.
Simple. Clean. Easy.
I don't know what ever happened - not long after that I quit McD's and the boy never called again.... may be they worked things out? May be they never fully worked things out. Either way - a small amount of healing took place and THAT is the kind of change we should bring about in other people's lives.
So HERE is my long, over-explained collective point: if you *aren't* going to be a positive instrument for change in our collective lives.... than just shut the f*ck up. lololololol
The affects of the wrong choices that have been made will hang over us .... like a permanent cloud. I get that. But, eventually the sun has to come out - and people grow and move on. In our growing and moving on phase... let's not rain on things, shall we?