I remember sooooo clearly just four years ago when we were going to that *same* night for The Boy. We were so proud and so excited and so nervous.... well, ok - *I* was nervous. lololol
El Capitan sat there talking to another boy's Dad and they were joking about how both of us Moms' were all teary eyed and sad about our boys going to preschool for the first time... but El Capitan was there *with* me. Sitting with his arm drapped around me, making jokes and snickering about the overly hippie sh*t that the co-op preschool had us doing..... - One time we had a speaker and she had us all hold a grape in our mouths - but not eat it or swallow it - and we were supposed to think about where that grape came from - the farm, who picked it - who planted it- how they lived... on and on - and El Capitan muttered loudly enough for everyone to hear him, ".... well, I'm thinking I hope someone washed this grape before I put it in my mouth....." Our entire class section broke up in giggles......those were such good days. I so badly want to run back to that me and scream: ENJOY THIS..... it's going to end and it's going to hurt.
El Capitan and I were so eager for The Boy to meet the world - so we could show off the fine job we'd done thus far in raising him.... like - no really - he was AWE.SOME. He still is - The Boy - pure awesome. But he was especially awesome at three. He never fought over toys, he played with every kid equally, he did what the girls told him during dress up and playing house.... he wasn't a now it all or a show-off - he was just..... HIM. And he was perfect and we were sooooooo proud of him. We were so proud of ourselves and the job we'd done getting him that far.
Tonight.... it's just me. Alone. In solitude. Autonomously. By. Myself. And the neither Muppet NOR a man that I call El Capitan was... "at work." Even though I had told him about this parents night WEEKS ago - and put it on our shared Google calendar. HE had to "work."
Just in case you were wondering... apparently selling pens and notebooks and Trapper-Keepers to kids is clearly curing Cancer, finding a cure for AIDS and putting an end to world hunger. At least, that's how El Capitan feels about it. Mind you.... when distracted by Yoga Girls' CONSTANT texting for months - around 150 messages per day during working hours.... well, he made time for HER. He made time to talk to her. He cut out of work early nights on end to go parking with her behind where he worked so the could make out in my car.
Well, that he *made* f**king time for. Parents Night at The Girls' preschool?
Not so much.
That job has been a parasite on my life for over a year.... the irony is - you *might* be thinking that El Capitan is doing this *for* us, right? He's working "over time" to support us..... and that's a good thing, right? WRONG. El Capitan is salary - he's the Store Manager - he doesn't get squat . Not one penny more for the HOURS spent away from the kids.... away from me. HOURS that drove a wedge in our family and eventually... opened the door for Yoga Girl. And when I say hours I mean to say - at LEAST 50 - 70 hours per week. I'm not sure how I was supposed to be a "good wife" in the two or three waking hours of the day El Capitan was actually home for. Not to mention the fact that - for the record.... it's hard to 'put out' for someone who is regularly asleep on the couch long before 9PM because he worked from 5:00 am to 6:00PM. Just sayin'..........
Now, it really does feel like El Capitan has slammed that door shut..... on all of us.
Of course - he talks a good game about how he's "giving up so much for us".... he's not. He didn't even come get the kids on FATHER'S DAY. He had to "work" - even though he was off by 3:00pm..... and I offered to bring him the kids and a pic-nic lunch to eat the break-room, he said no - that he would be too busy. Remember,
selling Trapper-Keepers and protection plans is on a par with closing trade agreements with China and managing his store is much like Obama managing peace talks for Middle Eastern enemies. This is important sh*t here kids, don't you go forgetting it.
Awesome. So today.... I got to be *that* Mom. The Single Mom. The Mom who had to stay behind and explain that she's such a f**king piece of fat sh*t that her own husband didn't want her - and how... she *hopes* they can stay through the year at preschool, but unless she get's a real job with real money..... she may have to pull The Girl out.
THEN. As if that weren't enough to make me want to go find a dark corner and curl up and cry for several days...... I got be *THE* Mom who got to explain a certain humorous sign, a trip to New York, some time on the View, a flash on Talk Soup.... and well, you all know the rest. Good Times. Alone.
And it occured to me that this is how it's going to be from now on..... WE were in a marriage - HE decided he didn't want to be a 'we' with me but rather with HER.... and *I* get to explain that to everyone. Alone. Then WE put a sign up to sell OUR house.... and *I* am the one doing the interviews and media stuff because *HE* doesn't want anyone to know who he is because he say's he'll lose his job and no one else will ever hire him.
To be honest - WE - never thought any of this would happen.... so it doesn't seem fair for us to jeapordize his career.... right? But - don't worry about me. Don't worry about MY self-esteem. Don't worry about how the last two months have felt like 100 years and with every interview I had to relive the EN.TIRE sordid thing. Alone.
But hey..... at least a bunch of kids got their Trapper Keepers sold to them by El Capitan. That's super important stuff...... phew.
And for anyone who *thinks* I'm "airing" my dirty laundry.... believe me when I tell you that there is SO. MUCH I keep to myself. Alone. Quiet. To protect him..... to protect Yoga Girl.... but who the f*ck is going to protect me.........? No one.
The good news, however, is that The Girl is going to have a GREAT time at school this week - she's all potty tranied and ready to go and has a new outfit that the Bubbie bought for her complete with a matching kitty purse!!!! I can't wait to see her sweet face...... and this year, I'm going to focus on the same things I did with the Boy: Caring and Sharing is more fun for everyone. It's your job to make sure everyone get's a turn. Make sure you invite everyone in class to play the game...... but this year, I'm going to add this: You are Strong, You are Proud, You are Happy and You are PERFECT.
I'm going to teach this little girl how to be happy ALONE. How to be strong ALONE. So that she can always stand on her own two feet.