Last night.... I didn't blog. Not because I was upset or whatever.... but because I was busy out on a date. lol
I honesty didn't even think about it until today when The Bubbie mentioned it.
I remember sitting on the couch, literally catatonic from the pain: unable to move or breathe or fully process what was happening to my life. I can still see myself sitting on that couch, covered in sleeping kids, TV on, kindle in my hands.... just kind of staring blankly.
Not a happy place for sure. lol
It's crazy when you think back about how much it hurt - how I thought there was no way I could ever heal or more forward or trust someone else. First I had to focus on processing and healing..... it's almost impossible to try and process something you don't really understand or have answers for - and finding healing,when you don't have any answers, is almost f*cking impossible.
A year ago, I really, truly believed that I would never - could never - trust someone - *anyone* - ever again. I thought that once my heart had been obliterated - there would be nothing else to give someone else... and surely this event would drain out every ounce of trust I had in me to where there would be nothing else to give to someone else in the future.
Thankfully... I didn't focus on that. I didn't focus on the who or the when or the future at all - I just took each day, each event - one at a time and processed them that way. I'm not sure there is any other way someone should do it. Every day changes, some days hurt more, some hurt only a little.... but you really shouldn't even be thinking about someone else in your life until you've healed the hurts and even when the hits keep coming... they just don't hurt anymore.
Then you can focus on you - on possible future someone's.
Also... time.... time and actually * experiencing* the unknown. Seeing that the kids really loved their time with their Dad - and feeling like their time with him was more important that my feelings of loss or betrayal. Realizing that it was kind of umm.... cool? It was cool to have an afternoon off to go to lunch with a friend, or go shopping at the mall without chasing my kids up and down the damn escalator. (That f*cker is like Disneyland for my kids... I swear).
As each day passed and the things I was afraid of *didn't* hurt like I thought they were going to.... it seemed like everything else hurt a lot less, too. And, once I let go of the hurt and started to let back in the laughter.... we were all laughing. Of course, being on The View helped... hahahahaha.
But, seriously - once I could start going for dinner with El Capitan and talking with him about the kids and really *co-parenting* with him.... and once I made the decision to first tolerate La Novia - that suddenly morphed on it's own... to kind of liking her.
I know... I know: that's f*cking crazy, but it's true.
And, because *I* like her - it makes it ok and easy for the kids to like her... and isn't *that* what matters the most?
Then.... once I kind of let them in.... I realized that I kind of like.... healed.
There was no magic potion or quick fix.... just time and a willingness to be open.
That same willingness to be open... well, it kind of extended itself all on it's own to other people. I was actually kind of surprised by it... really. I was.
Sometimes I think about how important trust is to our relationships ... it's actually more important than love in the respect that you can love someone, but if you can't trust them - then love is worthless. For a relationship to grow, it needs trust.... trust is like water to love - without it: love doesn't grow. Period.
The tricky thing about trust is understanding that people make mistakes - we all do - and sometimes we think we're doing the right thing.... and when it all goes pear-shaped, we realize we should have done something different... but it's too late. Damage is done, trust is marred and people stand around in the rubble without a clear path for getting out and moving forward.
I would be a fool to think that El Capitan is the last time I will stand in such rubble.... it won't be. One day - whether I like it or not.... I'll stand in similar rubble again wondering how the f*ck I got there while the dust settles around me. Sigh.....
I'm lucky though - because once you've had your heart decimated and you've put it back together .. you realize that YOU are the one who not only has control over your heart, but you have the power to heal it... and frankly, if you're lucky in this life, you'll have to heal it more than once.
Even in a marriage that lasts 50 years... you better *believe* that hearts were broken over and over ... but they healed them and stayed together. They found a way to trust and move forward.... letting their love grow and re-grow as needed. As "single" people... or divorcees' if we were living in the 1950's.... we have to be wiling to do the same thing: allow ourselves and our hearts to be broken again.
We have to be willing to take chances - both in the hope that it will turn out great, and with the understanding that a pile of rubble could soon be calling our name. While I'm not a fan of the rubble... I'm most certainly a fan of taking chances.
When you open yourself up to taking a chance - you also open yourself up the excitement that a new potential relationships can bring.... the kind of excitement that makes you smile every time they send you a text, or gives you butterflies when you see them..... and.... makes your stomach hurt and get a little crampy when you think may be it's starting to go a little pear-shaped and suddenly you realize that you are *worried* about possibly losing this person....
Because it's that kind of tender moment in something new - *with* someone new - that tells you that you really, really, really like them.... when you are suddenly feeling a bit panicked about losing them.
When that feeling of panic sets in you can either choose to run and hide... or you can trust your gut, go with your newly healed (and still someone fragile) heart - and yes.... *trust* that whatever is meant to be will be - and you have to believe that whatever that is, it'll have been worth the ride to get there.
Oh... and you have to be willing to be hurt again.
That's really what it boils down to - a willingness to be hurt again.
But... if you crawl inside your own past and live in your own baggage - you'll miss out on those butterflies and those smiles... and fun and adventure and the * possibility* that this person, even if they make a mistake and leave you in rubble... might just stay and help you back out of it to start over....
So... one year on: bring on the adventure, bring on the fun... and yes, if it happens: bring on the pain ... because one year on, I know that I can take it. That's a very powerful kind of gift, the knowledge that you can face down pain, stand in the rubble, and dig your way out. It's a bit freeing really..... because you can't truly *live* in fear.
I want to live... really live - because life is too short to settle for fear.
So I haven't and I won't.......