A few of you have asked via email or facebook - you want to know more.... but, to be honest, I've been afraid to write about her, about *us* because it really does seem like as soon as I put something down on paper - as soon as I'm excited and I let go of being anxious or worried - well.... it goes away.
For instance, Hail Mary drives a little *too* fast for me. She never does it if the kids are in the car with us, but I tend to think that she drives a little to fast (please read: like a fucking bat out of hell) if it's just us in the car. So this driving issue came up over the weekend and it reminded me of the one (and only) ticket I've ever gotten in my life.
I was approaching a stop light and an officer was turning left onto my road and said he "clocked" me going 40 in a 25.... I called bullshit on that because I was less than 20 yards from the light and not at all stopping "fast" but coming to a normal stop. I felt that he had clocked on-coming traffic to him as he turned (it's a 35 mile and hour road) and then ticketed me. He failed to see it my way and wrote me a ticket.
Armed with hours of research on how the radar guns work and glossy pictures of the intersection from all directions.... the Judge wouldn't eve *hear* me because it turned out that that Sheriff who wrote my ticket was "out of jurisdiction" for his department and the Judge ripped up my ticket.
Then I noticed that the Judge was the very same Judge who had married El Capitan and myself. I went home and wrote him a note with a picture of us then (so *Very* thin and good looking) and a picture of our family at the time - I told him how we had been married ten years and how happy I was... blah blah blah.
A month later.... El Capitan was gone.
Needless to say, it's been a life-long thing - this whole 'writing things down and they go away' deal.... so I tend to err on the side of cautious cynicism with a dash of hope and a side dish of positivity. That said, I'm careful about letting my happiness let it's 'freak flag fly'.... just in case it actually just fly's away......
A while ago I wrote about how I would 'whisper' to The Boy and The Girl at night while they were sleeping - how much I love them, how wonderful, amazing, happy they are... etc. However, as The Boy rounds the corner to those 'tween years, it started feeling a bit weird to be whispering in their ears each night, so I started writing messages to them on the bathroom mirror so that their day starts by looking at their own reflection and reading positive words about themselves or the day they are going to have. And in the top corner I write a wee note to Hail Mary as well.
I know... I'm kind of lame. lol
Two nights ago, after getting everyone off to bed, the dishes done, etc.... I came into the bathroom to find my *own* note that Hail Mary had written to me..... and as usual Hail Mary was 'handsomely rewarded' for being awesome... lol :)
It's crazy to get to spend so much time with someone who makes me laugh, cooks me ramen when I'm too sick to get up, wipes butt's when needed (not mine, thank you.... ), folds laundry - and traps - and *de-heads* the giant rat that had taken up residence in the garage. No - I'm seriously - it was the size of a motherfucking cat - and black.... and gross. So Hail Mary place a rat trap and it ate the food and got away, so Hail Mary re-did the trap and *this* time caught the damn thing only.... she had PICKED UP THE TRAP thinking it was empty because it was closed and nothing was sticking out of it - only to pop it open and see a head inside... gag. vomit. scream. run.... all things *I* did while Hail Mary was strutting around the garage going "Yeah- nailed it!" and was proud. (that's a butch girl thing.... they kill spiders, de-head rats..... gross).
It's also football season.... Hail Mary loves *all* things football..... and this week we had made plans to take the kids to the park to play and Hail Mary was going to help me practice my softball skills when a friend of Hail Mary's called to invite her out to watch that nights game at a bar.
*Before* me and my brood moved in... Hail Mary was a regular at a few local places that show football games and would have never thought twice about heading out the door to meet a friend to watch a game.... so when Hail Mary called to tell me that her friend had called her.... at first I was kind of annoyed.
Well, ok... *more* than kind of.
Carving out 'family' time - and even 'alone time' gets harder and harder because Hail Mary works full time, I'm working nearly full time hours and all weekend *every* weekend, the kids are with El Capitan *less* because he's working and they can't just 'go to Bubbie's' because they live kind of far away now.... so it's complicated and busy and whatnot.... so I was allll kinds of butt hurt at the idea that Hail Mary would bail and go watch a game instead of go to the park.
At the same time.... I know that Hail Mary has given up a month of Sunday's of game watching and doesn't spend *nearly* the time with her friends that she used to... and that can be bad for a relationship. You don't want either person giving up their outside world for the other person.... so I *was* butt hurt, but I said, "Ok... that's fine- we can just go to the park tomorrow night."
And I meant it - it *was* fine.
But in my head I was bummed because I don't feel like I get to see her as much as I want to - doing fun things that aren't making dinner and doing dishes and folding laundry and stuff....
Hail Mary however.... and I *SWEAR* this is true said...... "No, I already told her no because we were taking the kids to park."
"Yeah, but we can just go tomorrow....." I argued.
"No, we can't," Hail Mary replied, "because in ten years I'm not going to remember what bar I went to or what game I watched - but the kids are going to remember the time that *we* were supposed to take them to the park and instead I chose to go out with a friend to watch football.... and I don't want them to remember that. I want them to remember all the times we took them to the park and threw the softball and played on the swings and whatever."
And I swear I almost crashed my car because in that very instant I fell in love with her alllll over again *AND* because I had only been thinking of me - how much I miss her, how much *I* wanted to spend time with her... and SHE was thinking about The Boy and The Girl and how she didn't want to let them down....
I'm not sure how we got so lucky... I'm really not, but we are... and I am....
and I'm just so fucking grateful.
And then two nights later I came upstairs to find that message on the bathroom mirror.
May be everyone finds love like this..... I don't know. I never found anything like this with a man.... may be it's because Hail Mary is my 'person' and 'completes' me... may be it's the way all lesbians are (that's possible) - or may be I just never knew love until I could love and accept myself.... I'll never know the answer.
So I just settle for being grateful.... so. very. grateful.