But, the truth is.... I never really truly knew love until The Boy was born.
For a few reasons El Capitan and I were told that I would not be able to get pregnant and that kids were off the table.... and then on Mother's Day 2004 to our shock - we found out I was pregnant.
I LOVED.... no - I L.O.V.E.D being pregnant. It was such a fantastic time - all the joy and fun of preparing and buying cute clothes and dreaming.... oh the dreaming a Mom does before she even meets her baby. I was just *sure* that as soon as he was born I would just lay around all day watching him sleep and play.
Which... if I'm being honest, I kind of did just that.
He was born right around the same time that the business was picking up with brides and families - so the two were kind of born at the same time - a lot of my clients feel like they've watched him grow up, which I think is rather sweet.
I poured everything I was into raising him... and yet, at the same time, I look around at some of the Moms I know now and I feel pangs of jealousy - outings we never did, crafts we never made, and picture sI forgot to take seem to flood my facebook wall making me feel a bit 'less than' the others.....
You *always* have the best of intentions - right? I'm GOING to write everything down - I thought to myself. I'm GOING to take every picture and never miss a single thing.... but life and work and life seem to take over and then in a blink of an eye your baby is riding the bus to morning Kindy and time .... well, it's gone.
In the midst of it all, I knew I wanted The Boy to have a best friend, so we set about getting pregnant again (yes, Yoga Girl... just so you know - we *did* have sex... lololol) - and we lost a few and even did mild fertility drugs and then we got pregnant with The Girl.
I spent most of the pregnancy worried before they were off on my dating and so *almost* every single test we took came back with negative results - though in the end she was healthy - there were many, many weeks where we weren't sure she would even make it.
Pregnancy is a cruel, cruel thing sometimes. I prefered my pre-Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pregnancy with The Boy where I knew nothing and innocently thought that you got pregnant and 9 short months later a healthy baby would pop out.... out - how I loved being ignorant to reality.
I was a 'weird' Mom - one friend told me while I was pregnant because I didn't do that thing where you tell the first child alllll about how much they are going to love the second child. How they would have to 'nice' and 'not hit' the new baby and stuff like that. In fact.... we didn't even *have* The Boy hold the The Girl until he asked.
My friend thought that that was weird - wouldn't I want them to be friends? Don't I want The Boy to love his sister?
No. I told her - No, I don't want him to love his sister because I tell him to, or out of some kind of family obligation. I want him to grow to love her, to become her friend as they grow up together.
She told me was I crazy... to which I stated: And what the f*ck else is new? lol
The day The Girl was born The Boy had pre-school, so El Capitan took him while The Bubbie was in the operating room with me, and later that afternoon they visited to meet The Girl for the first time. The Boy was naturally curious and excited - but only just a little.
The only thing he wanted to know was name her - because inspite of having 9 months to get the job done, El Capitan and I never chose a name.... Gwen, Gwenyth, Jemima, Gemma, Virginia, Victoria, Rory... the list is endless - but we never chose a name. The Boy had a name - and he insisted we use it - and we did because it wasn't 'Lightening McQueen' or anything like that... hahaha
I was careful with The Boy - trying to make double sure that our new baby girl didn't so much as rock his world as she did light it up... and light it up she did.
The Boy and The Girl are the best of friends. The other day The Boy was acting out and I scolded him and The Girl marched right up to me and said.... "Mommy - XXXXXXX is my Best Frwend - you be nice to him!"
Once The Boy was on board with The Girl being around, I raised them a bit differently than most. I never told him- Don't hit your sister - or Be nice to your sister.
These are hollow statements that fall on the deaf ears of a four year old.
Instead, I would say, "If you hit your sister, she will not grow up to love you and trust you. If you are not nice to your sister - she will not be your friend. In this world there aren't many people you can count on - but you will always be able to count on your sister if you're nice to her."
It wasn't until this last summer that the two of them have really started fighting and The Boy has even hit The Girl... which broke my heart into a million pieces because I was shocked... that's one *angry* little boy if he's doing things like that.
I worry about them, because The Girl being younger, she's slower to pick up on things. Only in the last month or so has she started to understand that Daddy doesn't live with us - while The Boy has had several more months to wrap his head around the concept and start to come to some kind of terms with that.
So, frequently The Girl questions things - where's Daddy? The Boy will say either - with this girlfriend or at work. The Girl will say - I want to be with Daddy... and The Boy will say - I want to be with Daddy too, but Daddy doesn't want to be with us.
I struggle. I go back and forth... what to say? What *not* to say.....? I see the start of a bit of a divide between them and I can't take it... I just *can't* take it.
I don't think people realize *how much* is going to be damaged and shaken and destroyed because someone in a marriage 'got bored' because someone else 'got fat' or didn't 'put out' enough... or - someone had a 'mid-life crisis' - and how really, in the end - changing your children's lives FOREVER because your wife didn't 'whistle' like she used to probably wasn't going to have been worth it.
Let's face facts..... regardless of *why* El Capitan left.... he's a dumb ass who just *started over*! lol
I too - was once thin and young.... but you get married, you have a few kids - you gain a few pounds... you're busy putting a house together, working, making ends meet, making dinner, making beds, folding laundry - and hey - look at the that... in the long run - the last thing Yoga Girl is going to want to do is 'whistle' for you, too. Then what? Start over *again*?
That's how life works.... unless you stop and work on things *with* the person you're with.
Over the weekend the site blew up again with visits so I hunted down the site the traffic came from... it was a grand old article about me - kind of nice, kind of not - fair enough. But the comments... oh, the comments - they are always such a treat to read. lol
I'm just *shocked* by how many people actually think *anyone* deserves to be cheated on.... and they seem to forget that Jennifer Aniston? Cheated on. Demi Moore? Cheated on.... the list of BEAUTIFUL people who get cheated on is endless... famous and otherwise.
I got another email from someone asking me to coffee... which is sweet, really - it's very, very sweet. But, I have two very broken birds hiding under my wings right now and I have no intention of leaving this nest for coffee or anything else..... :) I made sooooo many promises to The Boy when I was pregnant - I can't go giving up on those now. They mean everything to me - and they always will.
I don't think I'll ever get coffee with anyone... and no, it's not because I don't want to 'whistle' for them either .... it's because The Boy and The Girl will always have to come first. Any future person would have to love me for the MOTHER I am first - and the wife I could be second.... at least for the next 15 years. Anything else would be cheating on my kids.... and I'll never do that. Period. No matter how handsome, dark, rich and yummy that coffee is.... it's not going to happen.
I looked and I can't find any books on how to help siblings deal with divorce - as no doubt they are going to process this differently at their ages and genders, etc.....
The Boy simply *adores* The Girl.... I have to find a way to preserve that... or we really will have lost everything.
This blog is short tonight - because I'm waking up early in the morning to make Halloween pancakes because it's the First Day of October - which The Boy has been waiting for since early August. So tomorrow will be filled with *as much* fun stuff as I can muster - because it's on the First Day of October the year you were seven - ONE TIME... and then it's over.
I have to keep making the most of it - and hope that it's enough to make up for the rest of it.