Raised by Jews, I've always been keenly aware of other people's problems.
Growing up we had a family friend - who I adored. As a very small children we were all warned not to ask this family friend why she had "number stickers" on her arm. We were never told what they were until we were much older - but it was known that your High Holidays were going to end on a sour note if you dared ask about the numbers.
Actually, as totally, utterly sad as this is (and frankly, we can just file this under the same "I'm Stupid" file as we did the 'horse whispering' incident.... lol) - but the truth of the matter is that I didn't actually *know* what those numbers actually *meant meant* until I saw Schindlers List.
I remember sitting in the parking lot and crying and crying. Those images, those events - very realy to my own elders - and in one case, personally real. Like, real real - lived through it - tatoo to show for it - REAL.
And there I sat at dinner after dinner laughing at their jokes, never knowing the kind of inhumane torture and pain they had known first hand.
It was humbling.
So..... when I *say* I'm not bitter and not upset.... it's because I just *can't* be - again... no one bought an infant casket.... so it just isn't that bad. No one showed up, lined up my family members and shot them in the town center.... so - yeah - I see that as making me pretty lucky in this life.
Because sadly - *those* things ARE. STILL. HAPPENING. to people right NOW. :(
Having said that ... that doesn't mean that I haven't gone radio silent lately because things have been too real for me and El Capitan. All I can say.... is that no one can ever heal until they have the truth. PERIOD.
But, I've also been getting the kids ready for school. The Girl will be going to pre-school this year - a wee 3's program with some friends of ours.... which is SUPER exciting! We're almost potty trained (yes, yes - I know - I'm a bit slow on that one! lololol) - but my BABY - my last BABY is growing up to a walking, tap-dancing, potty using BIG GIRL.
Some days.... that very fact is almost more than my already broken heart can bear... bare... crap... you know what I mean.
And The Boy. A walking, full-sentence, 4th grade reading level, singing and rapping (oh... one day I will have to post one of his "raps".... he's hilariously cute and bad and pretty good all at the same time!) - and now.... he's ready for MULTIPLICATION!!! What? How did *that* happen to me?
Seems like I brought him home from the hospital just yesterday..... scared sh*tless about giving him baths and breast-feeding and co-sleeping..... draming about what he would be like when he grew up.... and now I'm living that dream. I'm so grateful for that.
However, and this is where my "first world" single Mommy problems come into play..... but - I'm also bracing myself for this being my last year of homschooling. Again, I *FULLY* realise that *most* single Moms have to work FULL TIME and not only is homeschooling not an option - but staying at home becomes a LUXURY that Single Moms cannot afford.
Currently, I can make it work to keep their little lives the same as they were before the Divorce (as far as schooling goes) - but if the totallyradcards.com site doesn't take off and start making money.... then I'll have to figure out going to school for some kind of trade to try to make some kind of decent money to support us.
And yeah.... I'm seriously effing angry about that. In my mind, while I *know* no one lined up my family and shot them in front of me...... El Capitan and Yoga Girl *did* line up all my dreams in front of me and took them out one by one.... slowly. painfully.
Not noticing that our own children were standing behind each of those dreams takingin the emotional shrapnel.
So this is it..... at least I have *some* warning this time to really really really make the most of what is potentially my *last* year "at home" with the kids..... I'm so grateful for that chance to truly take it all in and make the most of every second.
At the same time.... I know and see sooooooooooo many Single Moms who are AWE.SOME. They work full-time, raise awesome kids and are .... happy. I look to them with admiration and hope that I can grow up into that... that I can find my footing at a Single Mom and make it all work.
Again.... first world problems.... but it seems the heart doesn't always know the difference or care........ stupid hearts.
Growing up we had a family friend - who I adored. As a very small children we were all warned not to ask this family friend why she had "number stickers" on her arm. We were never told what they were until we were much older - but it was known that your High Holidays were going to end on a sour note if you dared ask about the numbers.
Actually, as totally, utterly sad as this is (and frankly, we can just file this under the same "I'm Stupid" file as we did the 'horse whispering' incident.... lol) - but the truth of the matter is that I didn't actually *know* what those numbers actually *meant meant* until I saw Schindlers List.
I remember sitting in the parking lot and crying and crying. Those images, those events - very realy to my own elders - and in one case, personally real. Like, real real - lived through it - tatoo to show for it - REAL.
And there I sat at dinner after dinner laughing at their jokes, never knowing the kind of inhumane torture and pain they had known first hand.
It was humbling.
So..... when I *say* I'm not bitter and not upset.... it's because I just *can't* be - again... no one bought an infant casket.... so it just isn't that bad. No one showed up, lined up my family members and shot them in the town center.... so - yeah - I see that as making me pretty lucky in this life.
Because sadly - *those* things ARE. STILL. HAPPENING. to people right NOW. :(
Having said that ... that doesn't mean that I haven't gone radio silent lately because things have been too real for me and El Capitan. All I can say.... is that no one can ever heal until they have the truth. PERIOD.
But, I've also been getting the kids ready for school. The Girl will be going to pre-school this year - a wee 3's program with some friends of ours.... which is SUPER exciting! We're almost potty trained (yes, yes - I know - I'm a bit slow on that one! lololol) - but my BABY - my last BABY is growing up to a walking, tap-dancing, potty using BIG GIRL.
Some days.... that very fact is almost more than my already broken heart can bear... bare... crap... you know what I mean.
And The Boy. A walking, full-sentence, 4th grade reading level, singing and rapping (oh... one day I will have to post one of his "raps".... he's hilariously cute and bad and pretty good all at the same time!) - and now.... he's ready for MULTIPLICATION!!! What? How did *that* happen to me?
Seems like I brought him home from the hospital just yesterday..... scared sh*tless about giving him baths and breast-feeding and co-sleeping..... draming about what he would be like when he grew up.... and now I'm living that dream. I'm so grateful for that.
However, and this is where my "first world" single Mommy problems come into play..... but - I'm also bracing myself for this being my last year of homschooling. Again, I *FULLY* realise that *most* single Moms have to work FULL TIME and not only is homeschooling not an option - but staying at home becomes a LUXURY that Single Moms cannot afford.
Currently, I can make it work to keep their little lives the same as they were before the Divorce (as far as schooling goes) - but if the totallyradcards.com site doesn't take off and start making money.... then I'll have to figure out going to school for some kind of trade to try to make some kind of decent money to support us.
And yeah.... I'm seriously effing angry about that. In my mind, while I *know* no one lined up my family and shot them in front of me...... El Capitan and Yoga Girl *did* line up all my dreams in front of me and took them out one by one.... slowly. painfully.
Not noticing that our own children were standing behind each of those dreams takingin the emotional shrapnel.
So this is it..... at least I have *some* warning this time to really really really make the most of what is potentially my *last* year "at home" with the kids..... I'm so grateful for that chance to truly take it all in and make the most of every second.
At the same time.... I know and see sooooooooooo many Single Moms who are AWE.SOME. They work full-time, raise awesome kids and are .... happy. I look to them with admiration and hope that I can grow up into that... that I can find my footing at a Single Mom and make it all work.
Again.... first world problems.... but it seems the heart doesn't always know the difference or care........ stupid hearts.
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