Match.com.... lacks a certain eHarmony.....

2/19/2013

So my friend J - is a hoot. Right after El Capitan left, she sent me a text and it read:

"I have cement boots and a get-away car.... just let know."
lololol

Obviously - she wasn't being serious. Obviously *no one* is going to be putting anyone in 'cement boots' - but ... there's something wonderful about a friend who would do anything for you: even if it's just a funny text to make you smile.

Last week J had to take her husband somewhere and I watched the kids for a few hours... upon her return, I was summarily lectured about how I need to "get back out there" and "start dating". That is easier said than done when *all* of your friends are (mostly) happily married and they're all a bit short on 'single friends' - so J's master plan is that I should set up an account on a dating site.

At first I refused. Well... refused a lot. I mean - honestly.... how the *hell* would I "internet" date *anyone*? If I put up a picture, then the know who I am.... they'll probably assume that I'm some crazy ex-wife who 'screwed' over her ex... blah blah blah.

I'm guessing that dating cite's aren't short on scorned and bitter divorced men who aren't keen on women they predetermine are 'bitches'. In some circles... I'm seen as a bitch.

So.... then even if I *don't* put up a picture on the site - I kind of have to admit who I am eventually anyway.... and that's a little bit awkward..... or at least I think it is.

On top of that - I'm shocked at *how* many of these men - in their very late 30s and early - mid 40s list that they STILL want to have children of their own.....!?!?!?! I'm not trying to judge *anyone* - but if you're a man, and you've been mostly single - NOT had any kids - and you're around 40 - having children would be a MASSIVE change... and frankly, one I would question...

I mean - I'm a pretty good Mom... but I'm pretty damn tired and I'm only 37 and my kids aren't newborns... so if I *just* started dating someone and then you get married, get pregnant - that's AT LEAST 18 more month away and *then* you have a newborn......?

That's alot of pressure on a marriage- and two older, very tired parents to a baby.

I know that works for some people... but I'm guessing it's really hard to make it work for most people.

Oh - and it's not just *one* guy... but MOST of the men. Which.... I mean - I think we all know that men (generally speaking) can be rather ... selfish and needy. Especially if they are sick, or pulled a muscle playing basketball. They require alot of our collective attention and care.... I can't imagine how a new marriage after years of living alone - and adding a child to the mix... does anyone else think that's a bit nuts?

And.... of course *all* of these men are looking for "real women" who have a sense of humor, want to go backpacking, hiking, biking, and allll with someone who is 'athletic - slender- curvy- toned'. But are *they* athletic and muscular? Not usually.... not usually.
sigh.

I like the outdoors - I love day trips.... LOVE them. Living in the Northwest, there are no shortage of places to go that are just stunning. I like the coast, I like mild hiking (but if you need those fancy 'walking stick' things to keep your footing on the path... then: no), I mean, if I have to sweat my ass off just to sit and appreciate the scenery... well, I'm guessing I could enjoy the same scenery lower down with half the sweat and just as nice of a time.

Plus, I'm written it before, but Evan Dando is right, "I'm not the Outdoor Type..." - my definition of 'camping' comes with a hotel room key, a working bathroom, a shower stall and *most* preferably a hot tub. There is *nothing* better than a hot tub at night, in the rain - it's just soooooo relaxing.

Also, there's no chance a bear or a mountain lion is going to eat me in my sleep, at least not at the local Hilton.

I don't want to be alone forever.... but I also don't want to work this damn hard - like after spending 6 days of the week homeschooling, working, going to the gym, raising the children... I want to climb a f*cking mountain and sit at the top and wax philosophical about how "amazing" this is.......? Umm.... thanks dude, I'll pass. Because - BTW - how comfy is climbing a mountain with a shaved and itchy box? I'm guess that's a real sweaty dream.....

Whatever happened to a nice day trip to the coast with a walk on the beach, a little local shopping and lunch at a locally owned pub? *That* sounds nice. It's also sounds like something that won't ruin my make-up, turn my black-Irish face alllll kinds of red and splotchy and make my hair all curly and frizzy. You know - small things a girl worries about if she's on a date.

sigh.

Here's my DREAM date: lots of talking and getting to know the person - which can be done during the hour plus drive to St. Helens where I'm treated to lunch at the restaurant located next door to the filming location for "The Bloated Toad" in Twilight, which is followed by shopping at the local antique stores and a walk on the waterfront.

See: perfectly nice day, interesting, puts money back into a local economy (that's struggling a bit, to be honest) with lovely views, water front and a nice opportunity to get to know someone.

At least that would be my ideal first date..... but I saw none of that on ole' cyber dating.

Needless to say - I didn't go through with the whole thing.... i'm too chicken.. Plus, it seemed like my choices being men who chose screen names like beerbrwr, knowwhat2do4me,flirtygr8man4lovin, pckge4you.... well... let's just say that in spite of their profile which claims to be looking for 'the right one' to settle down with... it seems to me like they might just be looking for the one to settled down with for the night.

I'll pass.

I might not be the thinest lady, or the prettiest lady.... I might not be the funniest, or the fittest, and I may not be very interested in sleeping in my own sweat and pissing in a bucket for a week of 'fun'..... but I'm me ... and I kind of like me. Imperfect but kind. Scared, but blessed. Funny.... and relaxed... and mostly I'm a Mom - which means I have to make sure that *I* don't sell myself short because if I do that, then I'm selling *them* short... and needless to say - i'm guessing Yoga Girl falls well short. Well. Short.

So for now.... it's Team Edward and kids and movies on my own, evenings out for reading and relaxing... and I just have to hope that my old skool ways will bring about the right old skool person who will like

7 Comments

Shelly

2/19/2013 11:39:19 pm

I feel the same way about camping ! I laughed out loud at the enjoying the scene halfway. That would also be me. I just read an article about 50 shades of Grey, maybe you don't need Edward, you need Mr Grey :)

emma

2/20/2013 04:17:40 am

hahahaha "itchy box". You crack me up. I\ve never met anyone online but many of my friends met their mates on dating websites. Times have changed, it's true. It might be worth a shot. There must be guys on there with names other than things like bigrooster4u or whatever. you can put on your profile that anyone with a name like that will get no response. haha.

2/20/2013 03:19:35 pm

offer still stands... have cement will travel. :P Love you.

Christina

2/20/2013 10:51:12 pm

Elle.. you are so much like me it's crazy. I've been in your shoes and had these same thoughts too. I never did the online dating. Thankfully, I met my now husband thru a friend.

All I wanted to say was that my thoughts were just like yours regarding men in their late 30's or 40's who don't have kids. The thing is, that every person has a different story. When my husband asked me out on our first date (happy hour at Stanfords) I knew that he was divorced, 40 and with no kids (and he knew that I was divorced w/3 kids). We met at the restaurant & sat down, the VERY FIRST words out of my mouth were "so... tell me about why you are divorced". If he was a cheater, we would be done and I would be gone. Already had that in my first husband, thanks. Lol. So..... after that then there was a question about children. What I learned was that he always wanted children. He was with the same person for 18 years and due to some things that happened in their relationship, children weren't something that he was willing to bring into that enviroment. And now he felt he was "too old" to have kids and so he had resolved himself to the fact that he wouldn't have them. And that was great for me, because I had the 3 and didn't want anymore. But then at a point in our relationship I decided that he needed to expierence that. A child of his own. He's an AMAZING step dad. For someone who wasn't a parent before, let me tell you... most days, he's a better dad to them then their actual dad is (same situation like you with his girlfriend being priority now and changing how he was/is as a dad). And then after we were married we had a son. And it is hard and stressful - blended families and shared custody and all that comes with that - but it's amazing. And he completes our family.

So... don't judge "all" of these guys. Lol.(most of them yes, but not all). Ya never know .... there might be a good one in the bunch who will surprise you.

2/21/2013 03:02:55 am

Heheheh. I have several girlfriends who were or are currently using dating websites and they've said the same, how they're surprised at how many men in their late 30's list that they want kids. I think that could be for several reasons. There IS a strong biological drive to have one's own kids. For those who don't have kids yet, can there be any accurate idea of what it means to parent? No one knows exactly what they're getting into until you're in the thick of it and wonder what happened to sleep or sex. heheh

Then I think there are guys that might list that because they want to be more appealing to women. Two of my gfs (who already have kids and are divorced) have said that they filter out the guys who want kids. They both say they're simply done with the baby factory. That said, those two ladies have also each found pretty cool guys (thru online dating) who they are now dating exclusively. One was through Match and the other through a site called Plenty of Fish. One is taking it nice and slow and the other one seems to be zooming, but that's a whole other story. :)

holly

2/25/2013 11:42:37 pm

Elle don't count the internet dating out. After my first divorce I thought about it almost didn't do it then did. First guy I met is my husband. We have been together for going on twelve years. I am NOT a luttle girl I am pushing 280 and am 5ft 7. He loves me for who I am. Initially I did not think I could have children. I was nervous to tell him but ut didn't matter to him. We now have a six year old (my desire not his). There are good guys out there give it a chance your Edwars could be a click away.

Melissa

2/25/2013 11:45:54 pm

Elle, your messages are cutting off again. You wanted us to let you know... :)

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Elle Zober

Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer, potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!

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