Sooo.... tomorrow is "the big night". Which is actually a little more 'stressful' for me than going on The View.
TV doesn't bother me... in that regard, it's a shame I don't have a face for TV because I thought it was pretty fun and I enjoyed it.... sigh.
However... the idea of standing in front a group of people (still hoping for more than 12 - and more than just my family... lololol) - *that* has me feeling a weeeeeeee bit nervous. Actually, like *really* nervous. hahaha
Of course, the idea has crossed my mind that people who "oppose" me or the oppose the sign... or perhaps a few of El Capitan's misguided friends might show up to heckle me..... that would be interesting. El Capitan, himself, will not be there, though he knows about the signing and he .... "wishes [me] all the best".
Which is very nice of him.
I'm supposed to find a passage of the book to read... which is hard. I've flipped through it a few times, but - it's hard know what I could actually get through reading without crying. lolol
I *really* don't want to cry in front of a dozen people - a nice, big, fat, ugly cry... in public? No thank you.
So, I'm not really what I'm going to read just yet...... anyone have any suggestions? haha
I also have no clue what to wear - I'm not a 'fancy' person. I haven't worn a dress since the day I got married..... I'm really much more of a jeans and a t-shirt kind of girl. I tried on a few dresses, but it didn't feel like 'me'... it didn't feel like something I would really wear.
Much like the book, I still want me to be me... not a polished version of me that my own friends wouldn't recognize... so I found a nice brown top - but now I'm not sure it's 'fancy' enough for the event.
Perhaps the real issue is that *I'm* not 'fancy' enough for the event... hahaha. No. REALLY.
Bottom line: I'll be the one at Barnes & Noble who is the *least* dressed up. lolol
sigh.
Today has been a slow day - just kind of taking in the last minute to-dos for the book signing. The kids were playing alllll day. I kind waited and watched The Boy to see how he was doing with yesterday's bomb-shell. It's weighed on me a little..... mostly because I think the assumption by most people is that I probably talk about Yoga Girl a lot - but the truth is: I don't. She's not a topic of discussion in this house - and not someone I talk to the kids about unless they bring her up.
Even still, her appearance in their father's life has clearly weighed on The Boy - and I try to keep those conversations brief and to the point. I don't know her. I've only met her a few times, had one text 'conversation' with her and one phone call. While I certainly don't think she's a quality person... and lets face facts: she's clearly *not* a good person, at least not in my world. As The Boy has accurately described her, she's *is* the kind of person who takes away other people's toys and doesn't feel bad...... I also happen to think she's immature and rude... but that's just me. And, if this "woman" ends up being some kind of 'step-mother' to my children - then my opinions of her need to remain *mine* and not be shared at large with he children. that's not fair to any kind of future 'relationship' they may or may not have.
Of course, this is how I've functioned, because I only *assumed* that since their father rents an apartment with her - and has lived *with* her since the night he left us. All those nights of "sleeping in my car in the Winco parking lot"... never happened: he was at her place. EVERY. NIGHT.
I could only assume that this person is goign to stick around for a while.... she clearly thinks she's in love him and according to her friends- she believes he loves her. that's he's *her* 'edward' (*if* Edward were the kind of man who would break up his home instead of dealing with either his own personal demons or issue's within his marriage.... which, I'm pretty sure that's *not* Edward.... lolol) - so I naturally assumed she had a level of 'importance' in El Capitan's life that would necessitate him leaving us.
According to El Capitan: I'm wrong.
I think that he thought he was doing the right thing - by telling The Boy that Yoga Girl isn't 'important' to him, and not 'serious enough' to have The Boy meet her. I'm pretty sure that El Capitan thought he was communicating her lack of importance in a way that would 'help' him.
So today..... I watched and waited and said nothing. Sure enough, The Boy wandered over and said:
"I'm glad I talked with Dad about The Divorce......"
"Me, too buddy - I'm glad, too. You can always talk to us about the divorce." I replied.
"Yeah.... you know Daddy has made some really bad decisions." The Boy continued, "Like, he really hurts my feelings and stuff..... but he's still Dad and I can still love him."
"Yup, you sure can." I said - and I noted his tone made it more of a statement and less of a question - which I was pretty happy about. This is has been my focus for months and months... trying to get The Boy to understand that people *will* let him down in this life, but he won't always want to walk away from those people - he might want to figure out how to love them in spite of what they've done.
It's a rough life lesson to learn at 7 ... but there you have it.
And so far it seems.... Lesson Learned!
(two points for Mommy.....!)
A few seconds later he came back over and said.... "But you know, Mom... it's weird that [Yoga Girl] isn't that important to Dad...... why does he spend all his time with her if she's not important?"
"That's a good question buddy, and I don't know the answer." which, I only said because I'm pretty sure I can't say this: "Because one day your Dad decided have his dick licked by a 22 year old *WAS* more important... too bad said 22 year old doesn't know that this role could have been occupied by anyone. Hence why *she* is not as "important" as one would hope she would be....."
sigh.
But *again* - I stuck only to my former response... not the one in my head.
He said nothing else and he walked away to play with his new Lego's and I was glad because the truth is, I don't have any more answers for him.
So.... it's a sh*tty situation - the whole 'she's not important' thing...... the *good* news is that The Boy seems to truly understand the idea that people *are* going to let him down in this life and it's his job to figure out how to make it work... how to get past it - how to develop a relationship within it - because sometimes people matter, people *are* important enough to do that for. As much as I have my *own* feelings about El Capitan - I'm really glad that The Boy can still navigate having his own - in spite of everything we've all been through.
I'm going to go out on a limb and just say it..... Mommy For The Win!!!!!
And on that note..... you are welcome to come by tomorrow at 7pm at the Barnes & Noble in Tannasbourne,Oregon - I will be the under-dressed, blubbering one standing at the front.
See you then! :)
TV doesn't bother me... in that regard, it's a shame I don't have a face for TV because I thought it was pretty fun and I enjoyed it.... sigh.
However... the idea of standing in front a group of people (still hoping for more than 12 - and more than just my family... lololol) - *that* has me feeling a weeeeeeee bit nervous. Actually, like *really* nervous. hahaha
Of course, the idea has crossed my mind that people who "oppose" me or the oppose the sign... or perhaps a few of El Capitan's misguided friends might show up to heckle me..... that would be interesting. El Capitan, himself, will not be there, though he knows about the signing and he .... "wishes [me] all the best".
Which is very nice of him.
I'm supposed to find a passage of the book to read... which is hard. I've flipped through it a few times, but - it's hard know what I could actually get through reading without crying. lolol
I *really* don't want to cry in front of a dozen people - a nice, big, fat, ugly cry... in public? No thank you.
So, I'm not really what I'm going to read just yet...... anyone have any suggestions? haha
I also have no clue what to wear - I'm not a 'fancy' person. I haven't worn a dress since the day I got married..... I'm really much more of a jeans and a t-shirt kind of girl. I tried on a few dresses, but it didn't feel like 'me'... it didn't feel like something I would really wear.
Much like the book, I still want me to be me... not a polished version of me that my own friends wouldn't recognize... so I found a nice brown top - but now I'm not sure it's 'fancy' enough for the event.
Perhaps the real issue is that *I'm* not 'fancy' enough for the event... hahaha. No. REALLY.
Bottom line: I'll be the one at Barnes & Noble who is the *least* dressed up. lolol
sigh.
Today has been a slow day - just kind of taking in the last minute to-dos for the book signing. The kids were playing alllll day. I kind waited and watched The Boy to see how he was doing with yesterday's bomb-shell. It's weighed on me a little..... mostly because I think the assumption by most people is that I probably talk about Yoga Girl a lot - but the truth is: I don't. She's not a topic of discussion in this house - and not someone I talk to the kids about unless they bring her up.
Even still, her appearance in their father's life has clearly weighed on The Boy - and I try to keep those conversations brief and to the point. I don't know her. I've only met her a few times, had one text 'conversation' with her and one phone call. While I certainly don't think she's a quality person... and lets face facts: she's clearly *not* a good person, at least not in my world. As The Boy has accurately described her, she's *is* the kind of person who takes away other people's toys and doesn't feel bad...... I also happen to think she's immature and rude... but that's just me. And, if this "woman" ends up being some kind of 'step-mother' to my children - then my opinions of her need to remain *mine* and not be shared at large with he children. that's not fair to any kind of future 'relationship' they may or may not have.
Of course, this is how I've functioned, because I only *assumed* that since their father rents an apartment with her - and has lived *with* her since the night he left us. All those nights of "sleeping in my car in the Winco parking lot"... never happened: he was at her place. EVERY. NIGHT.
I could only assume that this person is goign to stick around for a while.... she clearly thinks she's in love him and according to her friends- she believes he loves her. that's he's *her* 'edward' (*if* Edward were the kind of man who would break up his home instead of dealing with either his own personal demons or issue's within his marriage.... which, I'm pretty sure that's *not* Edward.... lolol) - so I naturally assumed she had a level of 'importance' in El Capitan's life that would necessitate him leaving us.
According to El Capitan: I'm wrong.
I think that he thought he was doing the right thing - by telling The Boy that Yoga Girl isn't 'important' to him, and not 'serious enough' to have The Boy meet her. I'm pretty sure that El Capitan thought he was communicating her lack of importance in a way that would 'help' him.
So today..... I watched and waited and said nothing. Sure enough, The Boy wandered over and said:
"I'm glad I talked with Dad about The Divorce......"
"Me, too buddy - I'm glad, too. You can always talk to us about the divorce." I replied.
"Yeah.... you know Daddy has made some really bad decisions." The Boy continued, "Like, he really hurts my feelings and stuff..... but he's still Dad and I can still love him."
"Yup, you sure can." I said - and I noted his tone made it more of a statement and less of a question - which I was pretty happy about. This is has been my focus for months and months... trying to get The Boy to understand that people *will* let him down in this life, but he won't always want to walk away from those people - he might want to figure out how to love them in spite of what they've done.
It's a rough life lesson to learn at 7 ... but there you have it.
And so far it seems.... Lesson Learned!
(two points for Mommy.....!)
A few seconds later he came back over and said.... "But you know, Mom... it's weird that [Yoga Girl] isn't that important to Dad...... why does he spend all his time with her if she's not important?"
"That's a good question buddy, and I don't know the answer." which, I only said because I'm pretty sure I can't say this: "Because one day your Dad decided have his dick licked by a 22 year old *WAS* more important... too bad said 22 year old doesn't know that this role could have been occupied by anyone. Hence why *she* is not as "important" as one would hope she would be....."
sigh.
But *again* - I stuck only to my former response... not the one in my head.
He said nothing else and he walked away to play with his new Lego's and I was glad because the truth is, I don't have any more answers for him.
So.... it's a sh*tty situation - the whole 'she's not important' thing...... the *good* news is that The Boy seems to truly understand the idea that people *are* going to let him down in this life and it's his job to figure out how to make it work... how to get past it - how to develop a relationship within it - because sometimes people matter, people *are* important enough to do that for. As much as I have my *own* feelings about El Capitan - I'm really glad that The Boy can still navigate having his own - in spite of everything we've all been through.
I'm going to go out on a limb and just say it..... Mommy For The Win!!!!!
And on that note..... you are welcome to come by tomorrow at 7pm at the Barnes & Noble in Tannasbourne,Oregon - I will be the under-dressed, blubbering one standing at the front.
See you then! :)
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