That just sounds crazy and.... not at *all* possible.... but it's happening!
Today, and I'm not entirely sure why, but a news crew showed up at the house tonight. Of course this is *after* I've been to the gym and done my 5 miles..... and I (yet again) was sweaty and hadn't showered.
They were super nice and wanting to talk about The Book and the signing.... so I said yes.
Then they shot from below... which is sooooo unflattering and I look even *bigger* than I did last time I was on TV ... even though I've lost 40 pounds.
triple sigh... and pass me a donut, because why sacrifice when no one can tell? hahaha
The reporter was *really* nice. So kind and asked really great questions - I enjoyed talking to her - and the photographer was great as well... even if I don't care for the camera angle. They did a *very* nice job talking about me, The Sign and The Book - and I'm really, really grateful for that.
But seriously.... to *still* look as big as a house.... good grief. :)
They talked about the signing... I think my biggest fear is that only a few people (and mostly just my friends) will show up.... mind you, I have some pretty kick-a$$ friends, so I guess that wouldn't be bad at all.
Sorry.... now I'm all distracted because the segment was just on TV which means I'll get all kinds of nasty - 'You're-a-Giant-Fat-A$$' comments.... oh yeah me. lololol
Anyhow. Life is *starting* to get back to normal..... I'm trying to focus on more "down time" with the kids. That means less time with a cell phone or a computer mouse in my hands and *more* time with books and old-maid, go fish and Candy Land. It's been really fantastic.
The Boy has been really really sad lately though..... the last two nights he's had these really awful dreams about "being locked up" or "locked away". Let me be Crystal. Clear: I have *never* would *never* "lock" my children up in anything. Period. just sayin'........
However, last night and the night before he had dreams where I "lock him away in a dungeon" and leave him there - that I don't back. He say's that I stick him in there, tell him I don't love him anymore and then I lock the door and leave.
Yesterday I laughed it off a bit.... thinking it was just something he saw in a movie (like Belle and The Beast?) or some such thing. I asked him if I've ever 'beaten' him, or 'locked' him up anywhere. No! He tells me, emphatically, no way!
Right... so - why would you think that? I tell him.
I then of coursed addressed the fact that I happen to think he's the most amazing person on the planet... so clearly I love him... and then he giggled and lost interest and the conversation was over.
I'll be honest - the MOM in me wants to put the brakes on these conversations and start drilling The Boy for why and where these types of dreams or 'worries' come from.... but all the books I read say that you shouldn't 'illicit' conversation. Ask questions that are timely and pertinent - and don't press for details that either a) don't exist or b) they aren't willing to share just yet. The idea to *absorb* information from your children, not plant it, seed it and watch it grow.
So.... I let it drop. But I was thoroughly nonplussed about the idea of my son having dreams about me "locking him up".
By the time today and the hustle and bustle to get everyone up and dressed and fed and out the door for classes - I had totally forgotten about it. We made it to school - and he was super pleased to be back with his *favorite* teacher on the planet today. I checked on him twice: he was doing his comedy shows for the class.
The teacher said he scoped out the 'best stage' area, then put on a few shows about snow and doing prat falls and whatever.... I'm not sure he goes to school for any other reasons besides friends and doing his little comedy shows, but the teacher and I have talked at length and I have schooled The Boy on making sure his shows do no interrupt learning and class time. I tell him all the time, good comedy is more about the timing, than it is the joke. So far... he seems to get that.
I picked him up after class and it was just The Boy and I driving home...and *that's* when he brings up his 'nightmare' again. He tells me that this time, I dragged him out of the house and locked him up (again) and he told me he loved me, but that I 'locked him up' and never came back.
I sat for a second .... they *have* been watching a lot of Tangled lately..... damn Disney movies - honestly... what's up with locking everyone in dungeons and hiding people away!?!?!?!?!
But at the back of my mind, I was nagged by what he said a few days about his Dad..... about the dream he had where he told his Dad he loved him - but El Capitan left anyway......
So I pulled over and I asked him if I've ever locked him up?
Have I ever told him I didn't love him?
Then I asked him (which I think is not what the books would recommend) - but I asked him if he was worried that I would go away like Dad has?
Then his big brown eyes welled up with tears and he told me that he thinks I'm going to find a "new Daddy" and do off with him and leave him and The Girl alone.
feck. Well that really dug a giant whole of heartbreak in my Wednesday afternoon.
I listened to him talk for a while, more about the weird dream with the dancing giraffe and how he feels like his Dad isn't his 'best buddy' anymore. The Ex-Wife in me was like 'yeah - screw it - you're Dad is being a jack-a$$, let's be done with him so he can't hurt anymore....." The Ex-Wife wants to pack up a suitcase, drive to a certain place of residence where it appears *no one* has a backbone or a moral compass and drop off my children with notes pinned to their chests giving their names, dates of birth, feeding, bathing and sleeping instructions and say: See you in two days, El Capitan!
Because... it's become evidently clear - Yoga Girl only wanted El Capitan - she didn't want *any* part of this family... which is fine by me, because she's not the caliber of person I would want to have around my children if I had a choice.... though, I fully understand that one day I may not have a choice anymore. So... the Ex-Wife is thrilled she and had collection of 'friends' stear clear of my kids.
My Kid's Mother: well that annoying b*tch knows that deep down, The Boy needs to loved by his Father and anyone.... feck.... anyone that his Father deems as important to his life.... omg. I think I just threw up on my keyboard.... no seriously. My fingers were fighting typing the letters. Gag..... but true. I've said it a million times.... no child ever suffered because too many parents loved them. I just don't think Yoga Girl is up to the task and hence... all this manipulation and radio silence.
My Kid's Mother, however, held The Boy's hand and told him that people in this life are going to let you down - and most of the time, when they do - it's because of *them* and not becuase of you. Most of the time, they are letting themselves down - and they just don't know it yet. Sometimes we can walk away from these people -and sometimes we can't. Sometimes, we have to just wait for them to stop letting themselves down and then they'll stop letting us down.
"Like a Bully", The Boy said, "You don't want to be friends with a bully who hits you and kicks you and calls you names.... Mom -you don't want to be friends with that kind of friend."
Right.... I said. There was a pause and I started to panic becuase there is a *huge* difference between being a 'bully' and not calling your kid and I don't want The Boy to draw a connection between 'bully' and his Dad.... I was trying to think of how to explain it better and then The Boy saved my bacon.
"But you know what Mom.... not everyone who makes bad decisions is a bully.... sometimes people just make bad decisions." The Boy stated.
"Exactly.... *and* - sometimes people make bad decisions for a while and then later they don't make those bad decisions any more and being friends with them is better." I explained.
There was another long pause. I wish I could crawl inside that little head of his and sort out all his feelings and reassure him that he is loved and strong and kind and bold and funny and wonderful. I know that El Capitan loves him..... I refuse to believe otherwise.
I think that *right now* El Capitan is buying into the lies and 'advice' of his friends and his girlfriend who are telling him that he should "stand up to that b*tch" (that would be me, btw) - and not talk to me, that he's "entitled to his privacy" and whatnot..... El Capitan BYG would *not* have made choices like this. Really. He just would never treat his kids like this.... currently - and I don't know El Capitan's true feelings so I won't claim to, but the message being sent to The Boy is *not* a good one.
The books say I'm not supposed to make 'promises' for El Capitan - or reassure the children that their Father loves them, that that is his job.... but I will admit that on several occasions I *have* told The Boy that I'm sure his Father loves him... he's just having a tough time right now. And honestly... I'm pretty sure that's true.
I think that point of The Boy's dreams *isn't* that he's worried I'm going to "lock him up" - instead, he's afraid I will leave him, abandon him - stop loving him.
Which... that alone shatters my heart into a million tiny, razor sharp pieces.
You can't "talk" that better. You can't "make" that better. You can 'reassure' that fear away.
You just can't.
I have to do it with time: *my* time. You have to old-maid and go fish and snuggle and tickle and *laugh* that fear away together.... just by making sure I'm spending more eye to eye time with him, on his level - doing what he wants to do. Playing the games he wants to play and celebrating his imagination and his reading skills and his math skills. THAT is how I make this better. THAT is how I reassure him.
I tell him allll day how much I love him. But... for kids, words aren't enough. It's all about the actions. I need to make sure mine are *clear* and direct so that he doesn't question my dedication to him.
As such, we were out in St. Helens last week at an antique store. The Boy, loving all things holiday decor, wanted to get a plastic airblown Santa and Mrs. Clause figure, The Girl wanted a tinky-winky Teletubbie. So they each got what they wanted - but tonight..... they were watching Teletubbies and The Boy became distraught because he doesn't have a tinky-winky to snuggle with. He *used* to, but it's in storage.
So tomorrow, while The Girl is in preschool, The Boy and I will be making the one hour trek out to St. Helens to that same shop, and hope they have the other Teletubbie so that I can buy it for him. We can use that time to talk and listen to music (The Boy currently loves the Twilight Breaking Dawn II Soundtrack.... hehehe) - and just spend some time together. Oh.... and I'll be spending $10 on some old, ratty, snotted up, yellow Teletubbie doll. lolololol
It's three weeks tomorrow. Three weeks tomorrow since the last time they saw or heard from El Capitan. Before that, they only saw him four time and then another period of 'radio silence' commenced over Thanksgiving.
El Capitan say's he's "having a hard time coming to terms with thing" and the "holidays are hard" for him as he's sure they are for me as well..... that might be true... however, one doesn't usually mourn the loss of their family by tripping the light fantastic at holiday parties and going to the movies and out for breakfast with their girlfriend.... yeah. not so much.
At this point, I don't we would have heard from El Capitan *at all* were it not for me talking to his friend last week..... because we've not heard from him since.... not one word.
And you know what.... his friends *read* The Blog... it's not like I'm keeping the emotions of his children from him....so why not call? Why not set up a time to see them?
Regardless..... I'm looking forward to spending the morning with The Boy... time to get our healing on!
Well... some healing anyway... until the next round of 'Shamu' jokes start up. lolololol