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It Wasn't Me.. It Was Him.. or Her - or Them.. but not me

1/14/2013

13 Comments

 
El Capitan.  Where do I start.........?

So, it turned out, after looking over the calendar, El Capitan saw the kids three times - and that was *after* a 9 day stretch of not seeing them around Thanksgiving.  It's clear that he doesn't realize this.... and frankly, it's my humble opinion that he doesn't care.

Now.  After being *GONE* for most of December, all of Christmas and New Years... you would *think* El Capitan would arrive somewhat sombre.  That he would be feeling.... bad?  awkward?  sad? to have missed this time with our children and would be at least..... a little 'hat in hand' when he arrived?

Not so much.

I asked him, right out of the gate, for his current address and phone number, and *THIS* was already a line too far....... it was game on.

It wasn't long before he was screaming at me.... pointed fingers and raised voices..... good times. 

He say's that I "baited him here to pick a fight with him".... or, I just want his current address and phone number.  Seems simple enough to me and something I've asked for in email multiple times.

He say's that I'm "harassing his friends" and that I should "beware not to embroil" myself into his friends "team of attorneys".

Whaa?  Huh?  Turns out.... that the "friend' is the one I blogged about on January 10th - the friend who had been texting with me... who BAITED ME - and oh... surprise:  DID NOT send El Capitan the entire text conversation.

I informed El Capitan and a mutual conversation where the friend offered to BUY ME LUNCH doesn't constitute "harassment" and he seemed... confused.

So I showed him my phone and BOTH sides of the conversation and El Capitan was instantly super pi$$ed - slamming the car door and yelling at me about how now I'm trying to "isolate" him from all his friends....  um... not so much.

I point out to him that if one of his friends *lied* to him - that had little to do with me.

Then ... and this is *awesome*, El Capitan screamed at me:

"You're not going to happy until you take EVERY.THING away from me......"

Huh?  It was allllll I could do not to laugh in his face, but I knew if I did that that would send him over the edge and the kids were in the house... so I held my laughter.

Until he said this:  "You took the car, my friends - I have nowhere to live, no job, no money......"

and then I laughed... and I laughed hard.
Talk about throwing yourself up on a cross..... good grief.

So, without raising my voice, I reminded El Capitan that *his* decisions let to the sale of our home, the division of our assets, the selling of the car he drove, and I had *nothing* to do with his job......

He responded with yet *more* threats about how I "have him followed" and how I have TEAMS of friends following him around town and "reporting" on his every move.

Which again... I laughed at.  I actually asked him - what he thinks my friends do all day - because they all have kids and lives.... and that the *next time* he's being "followed' he needs to get out his iPhone and take a picture to prove it, because it isn't happening.

He exploded more.....
wahhhhhh... I don't care.  He doesn't scare me.  Yelling doesn't scare me. 

Then I asked him about my Netflix account and he said this, and honestly... you might not even believe me, BUT - he said this:

"I signed on ONE TIME to watch a movie....  and I guess her roommate watched all the other stuff - because if you looked at the times I was at work - Dumbass."

Poor Roommate... HUNG. OUT. TO. DRY.  lolololol I'm guessing said roommate just *assumed* that the account was El Capitans and had no idea they were stealing from me... .just a guess, but I'm probably right.

However... more alarming, was that *this* was the first time El Capitan ever called me a name.  Only once before - in 2010, during a fight, he called me a b*tch, but otherwise.... he's never done that. 

Over and over and over..... it was all about *him* -  allow me to re-cap:

He's a victim of having a roommate who "steals" my Netflix.  He's not at all responsible.  (Dumbass)
He's a victim of me - having stole "everything" from him... car, home, money...  (by that he means child support).
He's a victim of my friends "stalking him" (hasn't ever happened).

Yet.... no conversation about... the children.  No talk about how after THREE ENTIRE WEEKS of not seeing our children and.... drum roll please:  in the last 8 weeks, El Capitan has seen the children THREE TIMES....  THEY were happy to see him.

THEY were waiting - jumping up and down at the idea of seeing dear-old-Dad...

Your Welcome.

sigh.

He managed to calm down..... (only after he screamed at me his address) - and so I sent the kids off for a fun day at The Zoo.....   they had a good time - and thankfully the kids didn't hear their Father yelling at me in the driveway.

I. Am. Done.  This whole tirade had me laughing later.... honestly:  could be he *any* more the victim?
Good grief....

He's not responsible for anything... luckily for my children - *I* am.

The problem is, during these periods where he disappears, Yoga Girl and all their friends start convincing him of what a b*tch I am.... they rile him up and send him my way with the same threats every time - that I'm having him followed... blah blah blah.  sigh.  Even when I PROVE to him that his friend sent him HALF of the text conversation and that I *still* have yet to lie to him in this WHOLE process..... he continues to fight me.
sigh. sigh and sigh again......

The upside was the kids had a great day with their Dad... which I think was much needed... though results in a bit of acting out the day after.  I think that's to be expected.... We set up certain days and I'm hoping things will be a bit more smooth now, if we can  avoid any more "disappearing" - I think everyone will do better in general... so that's my first hope for the New Year:  No more disappearing acts.

Conversations like this, in the past, would have had me *really* upset..... this time:  it had me laughing.
Honestly.  And that's my second hope for the New Year:  More laughter, at myself, at him, at this whole stupid thing.... because once we both can start laughing, we can stop being angry.

Here's to hope! lololol









13 Comments
Letting Go
1/14/2013 07:25:45 pm

The other day my spouse told me felt persecuted.

I was horrified.

It made me stop and try to count the number of times I had said something to him that reminded him of whatever it is he doesn't want to be reminded of. Ten months is a lot to count lol but I realized...

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life... I think my new life is starting now and I hope yours does too.

Reply
Letting Go Redux
1/14/2013 08:51:18 pm

It's hard to convey what I am thinking, there is so much I can't say publicly.

I don't think my husband is persecuted, I think he was being dramatic and stressed out and not liking anything that reminds him he f*cked up. Sounds like El Capitan was being dramatic as well.

Horrified. Life feels surreal atm. Have I repeatedly asked for the same thing over the past 10 months. I'm pretty sure I have. Has he repeatedly ignored that request, pretty sure he has. Insanity at it's finest. I will respect his feelings even if I am not shown the same respect. My solution going forward is to just stop asking the questions or requests that get repeatedly ignored. I don't put up with rude behavior from strangers so I feel somewhat idiotic to be putting up with it from someone who isn't, or wasn't but seems to be now. Stranger by the day come to think of it. Time for me to move on, flogging a dead horse here I think :(



As an aside, I read some stuff on persecution complex and Schizophrenia and Asperger's Syndrome came up. Is there any history of either in his family?

Reply
dusty
1/14/2013 09:09:06 pm

Ha Ha Ha. take it from me, my husband and I are separated but live in the same house (fun, fun fun), you know it is truly over when you laugh at everything they say. Mine actually said to me yesterday that he thinks the reason we are splitting is because I have tendonitis in my elbow and the pain is making me want to leave him. Isn't that hysterical? Men always seem to place the blame somewhere other than themselves. Keep laughing!!

Reply
Lauren
1/14/2013 10:10:41 pm

I'm impressed that you could laugh El Capitan, and his antics, off so easily. I'm really glad that you are seeing him and his ploys for sympathy for what they are and letting them slide off you.

Just some info, as others have said, by law he has to report to you (I believe it is WITHIN 24 HOURS) of what his address and phone number is when he moves. If not to you it is definitely to who-ever he gives his child support to. You can find out from them, I'm pretty sure. Either way, if you can find out from them it may be an easier way to handle things than having to deal with his hissy fits.


Anyway, let him keep playing his game. It is really only hurting him. You and the kids seem to be moving on and growing up without him. It is sad that he isn't wanting to be a part of that but that is yet another thing that he is letting go of. You all seem to be, slowly but surely, healing from the El Capitan-Yoga Girl fall out. It is probably driving him crazy to see all of you happy while he continues to justify his mistake.

Keep staying strong. You are quite an amazing and inspirational woman.

Reply
Sara
1/15/2013 01:00:49 am

Hallelujah! That is what you call a pivotal moment. The moment at which the clouds have parted and you can see him the way the rest of the world sees him.

You really are grieving the man you wish he was. You miss the man you thought he was. Maybe it will be easier to bear when you can finally view him as the man he really is.

As for the kids, I applaud how much you try to shield them from that. They have their whole life to figure it out. And they will figure it out. And in the meantime they will know that their mother loves them, their mother never leaves, their mother is their biggest cheerleader and their soft place to fall. Keep your chin up! :)

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Taun-Taun
1/15/2013 01:06:57 am

Oh my! He's either REALLY dumb...or mentally ill...or both. Seriously, a team of attorneys? For what? And that was a REALLY funny comment. What more can you take away? REALLY? REALLY?

Um, he's a little bit narcissistic on top of everything. Have fun Yoga Girl...

The kids will act out a little bit, because it can be confusing at first. But once it gets "consistent" then the acting out shouldn't cause interruption. One thing I have experienced is that when Shark Girl sees her dad she's happy when she goes...irritated when she comes home. Based upon her conversation, it's not always what she expected it to be. I think in the future her mom needs to help her adjust her expectations. Since I'm just auntie, then I get to be a little more honest. :)

So, anyway,..you are doing good. Keep talking the kids through their emotions. As far as El Capitan...he's got a LONG rope that he's hanging himself from the cross with...eventually he'll either lose or leave Yoga Girl too (once she decides being with a child is no fun) or he'll grow up. My bet is on the first.

Hugs to you always!

Reply
Christina
1/15/2013 02:21:44 am

Your life sounds just like my own experiences. And therefore I know how laughable and yet tiring it can all be. I still, 6 years later, did myself trying to remember what the man I was married to *used* to be like. Cause he is nothing like that now. Not that man or father. It's sad really. It's sad because you loose control of what your children have to expierence.

You sound like you are doing the best job you can ..... Keep laughing and make sure you remember you aren't the one who wanted this or did this. Don't let him redirect the blame (like he always will).

Reply
Jenny
1/15/2013 04:16:47 am

Here is a website that could be really helpful for you. Many states actually recommend this program for parents who are divorcing/divorced. Both parents can log in & communicate through their email program & set visitation schedules. It also helps minimize the emotional aspect & hoopla. http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/

Reply
Jaimey
1/15/2013 02:34:41 pm

Shit! So does this mean his dumb fucktard ass saw me hiding behind that moving silk plant with my dark brown bob wig and sunglasses?! I'll try harder next time! (Idiot. I wish I had the time to watch his lame boring life with baby teeth. NOT!)

Reply
Melissa
1/16/2013 12:45:14 am

I agree with Sara's post 100%.

I did want to say...though you think the kids didn't "hear" what was said in the driveway, they could have either "heard" or "seen" the two of you interracting. For that reason, try to minimize these exchanges. I say this because...you said you had already e-mailed him several times asking for his new address and he didn't give it to you. So you would have known that asking for it again, in person, was going to result in a hostile situation. Same actions = same results.

Overall (wearing paralegal in family law cap here), I would say part of the problem is that there has been too much communication between you. Now I realize he's not answering you...so I guess that means too much communication FROM you TO him. Try to lessen how much you communicate with him. Don't e-mail him, or call him, or text him, with info about the children. The result? *Maybe* he'll grow a pair and MAN UP and actually call or e-mail about his own kids, himself!!

Okay...with that said, I add this. Though WE DO NOT CARE, I am worried about EC. This is NOT the tyraid of a man who is in his right mind. He is either drinking, doing drugs, or in need of both to straighten out his shit. To stand there and actually blame YOU for any of this is absolutely ridiculous!!! MAN UP, DOUCHE!!! Own it. You did this. Noone else. YOU. Sucks to be responsible for such a mess, doesn't it??!!!

Reply
Elle
1/16/2013 02:47:28 pm

Hey!
The way the house is - the kids *literally* heard and saw nothing - the house is situated in away towards the road that it wasn't seen. Plus, we were off to the side as well.

But, yes I totally agree about them not seeing these kinds of "talks".

Contact with El Capitan drew to nil - in October I realised that I needed to stop calling him - that potentially I was doing the "leg work" on his parenting - and that was something he needed to do. If he wanted to see them - he needs to call, etc. So I stopped contacting him on any kind of regular basis then - and then we had the thanksgiving fiasco.... so after that I pretty much stopped calling altogether. the result was that he only saw the kids 3 times in 6 weeks. :(

It's hard to know where I "draw the line". lol

Reply
Melissa
1/16/2013 10:30:21 pm

Thanks for the clarification, Elle.

I'm sorry that you reducing communication reduced his interaction with the kids; but we know that is "on him." What will be, will be. And the kids will be 100% okay because they have YOU in their lives to make sure of it.

Melissa
1/16/2013 10:29:15 pm

Thanks for the clarification, Elle.

I'm sorry that you reducing communication reduced his interaction with the kids; but we know that is "on him." What will be, will be. And the kids will be 100% okay because they have YOU in their lives to make sure of it.

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