I was sitting here and thinking about how much harder things were for me last year - how right now I was packing and cleaning and trying my best to do yard work and failing because I don't actually know how to mow a lawn (at least not the one outside a house... sorry - lesbian humor hahaha) - and I don't know how to prune roses and whatever......
So my neighbor Rodger, who couldn't believe El Capitan had left, started sending his grandson over to help me with the house chores... and then the grandson felt so bad for me that crews of his friends started coming around as well - laying bark and doing yard work and helping me move boxes to storage.
I'm still so grateful for them.
I was out to dinner with a friend tonight and we were talking about things - The Blog, she has a friend who has also read the entire Blog....which just blows my mind. Everywhere I go, people have read this thing... that's just cray cray. Anyhow, Tats (she has a lot of tattoo's) and I were talking about "how" to write - methods people use to get to the place where they can write and tell a story well..... for me, as most of you know - it's music. I listen to music to help me get to the emotional place I need to go to tell my story.
In particular I was talking about 'Never Think' by Robert Pattinson. I'm *pretty sure* I've already blogged about this before.... but follow me here for a second - yeah?
I got pretty obsessed with Twilight (as Jenny B will tell you.... and then make fun of me for it...) and Never Think is the song that plays when Bella and Edward are sitting inside The Bloated Toad having "dinner" after Edward saves Bella in the parking lot.
The point of the song is that the male singer (Robert in real life) is saying - "you'll learn to hate me..... - so just hold on" - but what he means is for the girl to realize that she needs to save herself and save her soul before she's "too far gone".... because she'll learn to hate him in the end.
It works in the movie because this is when Edward and Bella are discussing things and Edward is trying to warn Bella away from him.... even though he's drawn to her.
The most poignant part of the song is:
"Oh please... I'm in love
I'm in love....
Oh Girl.... save your soul
save your soul
before you're too far gone
before nothing can be done
without me.... you've got it all
so hold on
So hold on."
Just talking about what those words *meant* to me - how they literally took me back to the place where I can still feel the cold of the hardwood floor under my barefeet while I held El Capitan's phone in my hand and the words coming off the screen were telling me horrible, horrible things.....
Where texts and emails and facebook messages to friends and La Novia began to tell a collective picture while El Capitan mostly stood there.... quiet. Stone faced.
I can still hear the children running through the hall and playing in The Boy's bedroom... the TV was - though I don't remember what it was showing.... but all I could hear was the ping... ping... ping... of the text messages from La Novia.... and not a word from El Capitan: just beads of sweat rolling down his neck and pooling in the neck of his t-shirt.
That song takes me back to that place because I feel like THAT - those very words in that song - is what El Capitan was really saying with his silence....
that I would learn to hate him.....
that it was over.....
that I needed to save myself...
save the children.....
and hold on......
I remember looking at the shine of the light of the phone and realizing that there was nothing to fight over.... he was already gone. This hand had already been dealt and there was f*ck all I could do about it.
F*ck all... except: accept it.
Which I did.
I was literally catatonic with pain.
My heart and mind swelled with anger.
My spirit bent under the weight of my pain
But..... I did hold on.... to ME.
Not to El Capitan.
I made the choice that very night as the breeze came in the curtains next to the bench seat and my parents sat stunned.... I made the choice to let him go. He had chosen what he wanted: and it wasn't me.
It wasn't us.
Like it or not.... sh*t went *real* bad after that..... but I feel like we've come to a place of friendship and understanding... and most importantly: family. And we didn't get here because of El Capitan... we got here (mostly) because of me. Sorry... but I gotta' say it.
Alex (a Blog reader) has admonished me a few times because she say's that not everyone can just "get over" things the way I have - that I should understand that most people need more time.... and perhaps she's a point... but - I still say: move the f*ck on and do it fast.
You don't need to rush important decisions.... BUT - the truth of the matter is - the *sooner* you accept something is over ... the sooner *YOU* move on and find a new kind of happiness and a new independence.
I *truly* never, ever thought I would live my life as a lesbian. I was married, I loved my husband and my kids and I *ADORED* our little life..... and when it was gone, I had no f*cking clue how to put us all back together again..... and that was a journey a year in the making....
BUT, it started with one small step: accepting, letting go and moving on.
It sounds hard.
It really wasn't.
It sounds sad.
It was.... but a new kind of happiness replaced it.
It *feels* imf*ckingpossible..... I know, I remember that feeling all too well.
But.... it wasn't.
Lots of people write and tell me that I have given El Capitan a "pass" -that I made things too easy for him... however, in doing that - I also made things a f*ck ton easier for myself. I made it easier to move on and grow and ..... I made it easier to accept things in the end.
Accept and learn to respect La Novia.
Alllllllll of that- every choice and decision I made started with letting go - and when I let go, I gave myself independence.
So.... this weekend *is* about the battles this country has fought to gain and keep it's independence... but this weekend I want you to think - *really* think about the battles in your heart and mind and homes.... and find a way to let go (if that's what's needed)... find a way to let go of the person who cheated (or is cheating) and that will be the first step towards you finding peace and true independence... and isn't that what we're all *really* fighting for in our lives?
For me, the battle turned peaceful and a new battle took it's place very quickly: my sexuality. And you know what......? I did the same thing there that I did with El Capitan - I let go of my fears and accepted that what would be was better than living tied to a set of social values that I didn't hold true in my heart.
And when I let go of all it... when I was ready to just let whatever happen.... just: happen.
That was when I found my own personal independence.... and honestly: I've never been happier.
My *kids* are the happiest they've been in a year....
My relationship with El Capitan is the healthiest it's been in over a year....
Well, I sat in the club tonight between Bella and Colorado (adorable Sporty Dyke) and were laughing and dancing and having a great night and I said a quick thank you to God and the Universe for bringing so many wonderful people, and so much love and happiness into my life. And... the cold hard fact is that if I *hadn't* moved on and accepted and tolerated and faked it when I needed to.... if I hadn't really let go of sh*t - I would probably be sitting around crying about once was and still have no direction in my life... dependent on El Capitan's love for me.... which we know would get me nowhere.
In stead, I let go and when I did I gave myself my own independence.
If you're holding onto anger and hate and refusing to let go of someone who hurts you... the only person you're *really* hurting is yourself.... so this weekend - stop hurting yourself and go out there and get some *real* independence.
Trust me.... you'll be glad you did. :)
Happy Fourth Everyone! I'm taking Thursday night off- so the next Blog will show up on Monday. :)