I'm Not Going To Bed!

1/3/2013

^^^^^I don't know *why* youtube put this weird foursquares of other videos - but hit PLAY and it's THE GIRL!^^

Day 14. Two Weeks. I'm tired. Frankly I'm p*ssed.

One. I went to the unit expecting to see it empty. When it wasn't, I was seriously annoyed to find HER stuff in there, too.
Two. I was angry and I didn't want to make a decision based on anger.
Three. While I concede that to many people it could look like I'm "enabling" El Capitan - the reality is - I'm not and I'm not making choices or decisions based on *now*. I'm making them based on the future.

I don't want to do things that give him *any* kind of reason to explain his disappearance from their lives - whether it be for weeks or months or years..... I don't want him to be able to say to my children...."Well, [The Boy] I know how much you love The Simpsons and I would have had a collection to give you, but your Mom threw it away/gave it up for auction because she was mad at me..." blah blah blah.
Time.... time is the great big pink eraser of our wrong doings. Time will eventually heal some of the children's wounds - and if there comes a time when they need to sit down and think about things - I don't want them to have a laundry list of things I "did" to their Father - out of anger, out of vengeance, out of spite.
Period.
The Sign, The Blog and The Book - ALL have signed emails from him where he clearly states he AGREE's with their use or incarnation and with what they say. Period.

Four. As Custodial parent with Primary Custody, I have little other choice than to play nice and wait... while he and his friends and his lovely girlfriend can STALK my blog, my facebook page, and EVEN USE MY USER NAME AND PASSWORD to steal my Netflix account. I don't believe there is anything I can do about it. If you know otherwise... feel free to email me.

Five. well.... just five. I'm tired and sad and just...... yeah. How can a human sink so low? How can someone so *not* be the person they were supposed to be. HOW?

Six. I am *not at all* bitter with any of you lovely, wonderful people who commented.... I read through them and will properly write a blog tomorrow night (usually I take Friday/Saturday off) - but tonight, I'm just too angry, too bitter.... too hurt to do it.

So I leave you with the above video..... THAT, in spite of it all, is how my day ended... and that is just... well: amazing.

Enjoy.

PS.... The Girl LOVES to dance. She was wearing her tap shoes because she likes to put them on and "dance" along with Shirley Temple movies - tonight she was doing "Captain January" - so, that is why she had her tap shoes on when I told her it as time to get ready for bed..... she's pretty awesome.

PPS... The other reason I'm super duper p*ssy today - (and this is *totally* a First World Problem) is that The Boy has been wavering back and forth about either going to The Great Wolf Lodge or having a proper birthday part for his birthday... days and weeks of deliberation - they had a FANTASTIC coupon today - and I asked him and he chose Great Wolf.... The Boy and Girl are *totally* excited at the prospect of TWO NIGHTS..... only for me to arrive home and find the coupon SOLD OUT. grrr..... now I have to figure out how the hell to come up with that..... sigh. First World... Class A, First World Problem.... but in any regard: Mommy Birthday Fail. dammit.... stupid sold out coupons. I'm sure I can convince of choosing the party again... but it feels just ... wrong, manipulating. But it's a freaking birthday party.... it's not that big of a damn deal. See... bad mood, foul mood, hard heart.... gotta' sign off....

11 Comments

Rebecca

1/3/2013 16:30:46

Oh Lawdy, loved the dance! It would be pretty hard to make that creativity go to bed. (And it sure beats my youngest screaming "NO, You're mean!" when I direct her to bed time. I'm sure if she pulled a tap dance out I would be a lot happier with her reluctance to bed time.) And I loved that when it was over and you asked her if she was going to bed, she said "Yeah", like it was never a question.

And I have to say, you are always reminding me to take the high road because I would've totally pissed on that damn chair and lit the fire! I don't comment when I can't say anything nice, the comment in my head was, "Honey, I've got the matches and the out of state tag. I will drive up there and help."

Mel

1/3/2013 22:16:36

Thoughts for you:

The video: absolutely hilarious! What a JOY-FILLED little girl. She is dancing her little legs off and having a grand time. What a cutie!

14 days: 14 days of memories that will never be his; 14 days of time forever lost; 14 days of widening the gap between him and his children; 14 days of being the ultimate in the poster child for Schmucks are Us

YOU: YOU are the one who is the star in their night and the sun in their day. YOU are the one who is always present for them both physically and emotionally. With YOU they can be who they are, and like you, continue to adapt to this new way of life. With YOU they will survive the disappointment of the reality of how weak their father is and how STRONG and resilient their mommy is. It is YOU whom they will wish to be like when they grow up.

Show those cutie-patooties how it is done. Still rooting for you and your darling children! Keep your wee one dancing and your eldest looking forward to his birthday.

Melissa

1/4/2013 00:26:02

:( I feel for you, Elle... I've been there and I can honestly say...there WILL come a day when you will realize that you are giving him too much power over your happiness. And at that time you will gradually begin to sever the ties that bind the two of you together...right now, that's the storage garage, him needing to pay you back (which he wouldn't need to do if you hadn't paid), and a million other "things" you may feel you need to talk to him about, about the children. As time goes on, those things will be fewer, too--you realize you really only need to send an e-mail informing him of whatever he needs to be aware of. The rest is up to him (whether he calls back, whether he attends an event, whether he misses a birthday or holiday with his kids).

Even though I know you know this...there will come a day when your actions will mimic what you know: you can't control him. And now he's not only an adult, but he's also a divorced adult who is with another woman. He's an adult who is making choices (sadly, right now those choices have not only pulled him away from you, but now they are also pulling him away from his kids----HIS CHOICE).

You wrote: "..... I don't want him to be able to say to my children...."Well, [The Boy] I know how much you love The Simpsons and I would have had a collection to give you, but your Mom threw it away/gave it up for auction because she was mad at me..." blah blah blah."

I'm sorry, Elle, but even though you said "I don't want him to be able to..." you can't stop him from saying just that. Sure, you can make sure that whatever he does say isn't true. You can even compile "evidence" (signed e-mails, etc.) to one day show your children if he DOES say something inaccurate. But you know what? (Trust me, I've been there.) One day even THAT won't matter. Because by the time they are old enough for you to even consider giving them that evidence...they will have already formed their own unfavorable opinions of their father. They will know you are being truthful and he is not. At the rate their dad is going, it won't take them long at all to figure this out!!!

Please, Elle, I promise you that you will find peace if you focus on yourself and on the children. DO NOT focus on EC! He has removed himself from the equation; you do the same. Don't count how many days it has been since he has called the kids. Don't leave him messages. Give yourself the gift of peace. You deserve it.

Tracy

1/6/2013 22:25:29

I've been thinking about this particular post of Elle's all weekend and was going to respond, but then read this response from Melissa and it sums up my exact thoughts PERFECTLY. Elle-please print out Melissa's post and when the thoughts evade your brain about EC, whip out this and read it over and over.

BTW, I purchased and read your book. Loved it although because I have been through the same scenario, it did make me cry. And laugh, And cry. And laugh....

Much Love and Light to you. You will be better than OKAY! xox

Debby Maynard

1/4/2013 00:52:19

You have every right to be hurt & pissed. You, as usual, have taken the high road. I always used to tell my boys just because it feels good doesn't mean you should do something. Always do what feels "right", even if at that moment it doesn't feel good. I bought your book on kindle. LOVE it. Keep up the good work.

Alex

1/4/2013 01:33:54

Elle-

First; your daughter is adorable.
Next;
Is he still trying to use your Netflix account?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! Or did I read that incorrectly?

I see what you're saying about "the future", but in truth, bailing him out and taking these hits sets up a bad future as well. This wasn't like making sure he still had time with the kids despite screwing up his schedule. This was taking care of his doll collection.

You cannot possibly cover for every story he can tell them later. You can only raise them to have insight, and to remember you weren't constantly pissed off at their dad when they were young, so you couldn't have been that bad.

These insults have already put you in a bad mood, and they take their psychological toll. That will make it harder for you to give the kids as peaceful and happy childhood than you could otherwise. Your mental health (not happiness, just mental health) is more important to their future than covering yourself against any BS he tells them later on in life about you.

As for $$, don't you think the $ you paid for the storage rent could be useful to go to the Wolf Lodge now? What if you can't come up with that money in time for your son's birthday? He'll have gotten the shaft for his birthday, his birthday will have been spent on El Capitan's and Yoga Girl's old junk. And you'll be resentful. THAT will affect your son's future views much more than BS stories later.

I do have a question for you;

Are these "new" friends of El Capitan's that are being assholes or "old" friends? In your last post you said that some of his friends gave you truths you didn't want to hear, but felt better making decisions knowing them. Were those old friends who would have actual insight *and* also be good enough friends with you to be reliable narrators?

shelly

1/4/2013 03:38:37

I never reply to blogs as much as i have to yours. I've been divorced for 14 yrs and remarried 12 yrs to a great guy. I can tell you this, no matter what you do or how well you do it. plan it, think about all the consequences good or bad, he WILL and they WILL say whatever they will say. He's a liar ! No matter what you do and how well you do it HE WILL LIE to your children. Mine did,does, and I know he will in the future! My mom told me early on when I was hearing the things he said was that the people who matter will know the truth and I"ve had to remind myself of that often. My ex disappeared all the time for years at a time. Everytime he wondered back into our life I let him have contact and pretended it was fine. My son just turned 18. He's figured him out, on his own. You can not put yourself in financial situations that will "help him out" or any kind of situation to help him. He's a grown ass man. He has not got this far in life without some kind of sense in his head (although its pretty cloudy at the moment) He will figure it out, YOU ARE NO LONGER REPONSIBLE for him. I know its hard, im sure you have taken care of him for years, but its not your "JOB" anymore. and I promise you you can do everything right and by the book and they will still talk. I promise you this YOUR CHILDREN WILL KNOW, even without you saying a word. I've gotten pretty upset with my son worshiping his father when he never did anything, but I knew that (after lots of counseling) my son was holding on to any memory he could because he didnt know when he would be back. But like i said he just turned 18 and he knows! You got this, stop worrying about what he and his people are saying or will say. You can not control that! Now Im going order your book, if I find out you give him one more penny or load those damn car seats in his car for him I will beat you with your own book LOL ! Just kidding I wouldnt beat you but i know and just so you know i will be shaking my head! Put the car seats down!!!!

Shirley link

1/4/2013 07:53:11

Was watching Dr. Phil (DP) today. The program was about a "professional liar/professional loser" who would not man-up. DP showed no mercy and called the liar/loser out on every mamby pamby weak excuse, every mamby pamby attempt to not accept responsibility for his own actions. Suddenly, I realized why it was El Capitan doesn't like DP and didn't want you to go on the show. It's because DP would have seen straight through his nonsense and put it out there for all the world to see. If you ever get another opportunity, please go on DP and let him put El Capitan on blast. Also, I GOT IT ... I GOT IT ... I GOT IT ... I GOT THE BOOK. I signed up on Amazon's wait list and the book came in the mail today. So excited to get started on the read.

Vicki

1/4/2013 12:24:20

"The Girl's" video is priceless! What a treasure you have and hey, as a former dance instructor, I can see potential there. Hope you feel better and don't beat yourself up for feeling anything....you have every right to every emotion this train wreck is causing. Please know that your faithful followers admire you and feel for you and are here in your corner pulling for you every step of the way.

Charlie Knight

1/4/2013 23:35:22

Well I guess I would say, "Love you".

I understand some of what you are going through. I am not certain you failed. In Massachusetts we have a law called Chapter 93a, section 2a, and that is the "bait and switch" law. In some places an advertisment is made of a coupon deal, but only 6 or some other rediculously low number, are available, so when someone goes to the store or to redeem the coupon they are "sold out".

This is illegal in Massachusetts, and it sounds a lot like what happened to you.

Blessings,

Charlie

PS
We care a lot about ou and your children.. HUGs

Mercy

1/7/2013 13:45:01

She is sooo cute!! Thanks for sharing this video! I agree you shouldn't bail him out anymore he should be feeling the loss of not having you and the kids in his life anymore so making anything easier for him just doesn't help.

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Elle Zober

Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer, potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!

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SITE DISCLAIMER/
POINTS OF FACT:
El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them. :)
The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs. PERIOD.
This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this might be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

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