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Ho Ho Ho.....

11/12/2012

3 Comments

 
I would love to report that my pity train has pulled out of the station.... sadly the only thing that has pulled around here is ... well... I'm sure you can figure that out. lol

I was in Target today...... I love Target.  Not as much as I love WalMart, mind you .... (I can hear Internet trolls snickering everywhere.....) - but I love Target.  For years there wasn't a WalMart within 30 miles of my house, so i would usually go to Target.

I have a bit of a shopping issue - especially at Holiday time.  I'm always guilty of buying too much holiday decor - table cloths and knick-knacks and plates and things that light up and things that sing.

Especially things that sing - dogs and cats and snowmen and penguins that sing or rap a holiday themed song when you push the button on their paw.  The Boy LOVES those - always has.  A few years ago I figured out that I could take a small screwdriver - like one you use for eye glasses - and a pocket full of double AA and triple AAA batteries and test out all the donated singing and dancing guys at The Goodwill.  For a few bucks I could pick up a slightly stained version of the same toy sold at Target for ten times the price.

The Boy was heaven - dozens of guys I paid under $4 for ... he'd line them up and push all their buttons at once watching them rock and dance and sing until the last once stopped.  Then he'd start again.

I'm sure it's the same for most families, but the holidays have always been a special time for me and The Boy.  We'd walk the aisles of every major store looking at the latest trinkets and pushing all the buttons on the singing guys.... no doubt, the cashiers loved us.  lol

While Halloween is really about The Boy - Thanksgiving and Christmas was really about me. 

So today I was walking about Target looking for something and I turned a corner around the end of the food aisle and found myself smack in the center of Christmas.  The first end cap I was standing in front of was for Santa Hats - and they have a sequin pink Santa hat that I bought for The Girl last year.  I stood there and thought... "Oh, The Girl would love that - I should buy it!"..... then I thought about the fact that I already own it... then I realized that it was packed away in storage. 

Our whole life is packed away in storage.... I can't help but feel a bit like our holiday is packed away in storage.

I started to walk away and I saw a gorgeous little table cloth and as my hand was reaching for it - I stopped myself because I realized that I don't need to buy table cloths or knick-knacks.... because *I* don't have a house anymore.  I don't have a dining room table. 

The truth is ...... I almost feel like *I* don't have a 'holiday' anymore.  Does that make sense?  I don't have a house to decorate, or a table to cover, or even a tree to decorate of our own.  I'm VERY grateful for where we stay... but once you're a Mom, a woman with your own place - when you move away from that it's just hard not to have a place of your own.

I'll let you in on a little secret..... I found my dream home.  It's nothing fancy,  It's a lovely two story town home located in Hillsboro.  It's an Arbor Roses home - and the units there sell for under $100K.  I know there are placed in this country where that is a lot for house - but in Oregon... that's almost FREE!!!!

There are units with three bedrooms, two and a half baths - with a LOFT upstairs making use of that space that connects all the rooms!  Which is just.... AMAZING.  Pure luxury.

Just the idea of having my *own* bathroom to take a crap in.... oh - and did I mention that they all have whirlpool jetted tubs!!!! Honestly - it's like a dream of mine come true.......

Three bedrooms - one for each of us.  In my mind, I think about how I could decorate their rooms, how I could change them so that they wouldn't be the same as the ones we left behind.   I think about my room.... which is weird to think about.  Right now, the kids and I all live in one room and share one small bed.

It's kind of scary and empty to think about living in my own room.... I dream about new comforters in shades of purple and big fluffy bed that the kids could come running to every morning to wake me up. 

I think about the kitchen and how it has a pantry.... a PANTRY!!!!!  I'm almost giddy by the very thought of it..... a pantry - to fill with food and pots and pans.  I think about making it a "mickey mouse" kitchen - all black and red and yellow with Mickey Mouse themed stuff all around the room.

Today at Target I thought about where I'd put a tree and where we might hang the stockings.... and then I realized that that dream is years away, if not totally impossible.

Without any kind of stable income on the horizon I have about as much hope of buying/renting one of these homes as Yoga Girl has of finding her own moral compass.

It's hard, after a while - to keep on hoping.  I keep reading books and talking to people and trying... and bad stuff just keeps on happening.  One of my friends pointed out that with "the world" 'watching' - you'd think he'd behave better... right?  Like - knowing that a lot of this ends up on the blog - that he's be out to prove me wrong and make different choices.

I can't still dream..... I can still hope.  Only... instead of dreaming of a 'white Christmas' - now I just dream of an independent Christmas.  One where I can take care of us - where I can decorate again and make it our own. 

Sometimes I want to give up.... I want to toss in the towel and just say eff it.  But then I worry - if I give up and throw in the towel - then what about the kids?

They *have* to see me get up and get going.... they *have* to see me bounce back - that's as important to their own process of healing as just about anything else....... so, no matter how much the idea of it hurts - I have to drag myself up off the floor get my tinsel on! 

I have a feeling that this Christmas is goign to have a lot in common with my sex life of the last 8 years or so.... I'll be faking it.... *a lot*.

Ho Ho Ho
3 Comments
Kim
11/12/2012 10:58:22 pm

Hi Elle, I've never posted a comment anywhere before, but there is a first time for everything. Without knowing your exact financial situation I can't offer exact advice, but I can say that you might be able to afford that house. A friend of mine was in the same situation and she recently bought a home for her and her son. I believe she got some kind assistance from the government for single moms. Her and her husband had owned two homes previously, so I know it wasn't a first time homebuyer loan. It would be worth a phone call to a loan officer at your local bank. They could possibly steer you in the right direction.

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Jenny
11/13/2012 01:07:03 am

I'm gonna cut to the chase and say this bluntly just cuz I don't have alot of time to write, so if this sounds unsympathetic, believe me, I'm on your side.

1. Stop thinking about who EC was before YG. The wonderful man obviously wasn't that great, because here he is. He was probably there the whole time but he just didnt let it come out. When you start to realize that your fairy tale was something you made up, then you will start letting go. Ps, that doesn't mean he didn't contribute to the fairy tale, he did, but I think he followed the story line that he was given. Meaning, he never really was there, he followed what he thought was right, eventually he broke free of the story and went on his own. All I'm really trying to say is stop thinking about who he was, he obviously never really was that person or you wouldn't be here. Take the superhero dad character out of your mind & you'll really see he's not worth all this sadness. Btw, you've started doing that when you talk about how you are seeing he never really was "there" alot of the time, or when you talk about all the things you are remembering now that really bothered you. That was him slipping out, and you didn't realize it.

2. Stop fighting for him to be a dad. You can't make him, and in the end, all your work could push him away further. Let him make the steps, let him find the path of the kind of father he wants to be. If he ends up disappearing or being a slack dad, it will be totally on him. If you keep trying to push him, or all these little arguements, then he can always blame you & say you made it so difficult to be around that he just quit... Don't even give him that.

3. Stop trying to get him to understand, stop trying to get closure, you can't make him care about what he's done & you will never find closure from something he could say. Closure comes from you & you alone. Stop letting him control your feelings simply because he won't say something that you think u need to hear, or doesn't understand things the way you do. All I'm saying is, NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING, he could ever say would be something that would take away the pain of what he's done. You have to stop trying to have the talks about what you're going through with him, he isn't going to care. You have to stop saying anything that brings up the affair or what you've lost or what you now have to do. Your feelings are not his to fix. And he doesn't care anyways... I'm not saying this to be mean, like I said, I'm on your side. All I'm wanting to relay is that he doesn't care, if he did, he wouldn't be gone, and you can't make him. Don't hurt yourself anymore by trying, don't try to fix something that you didn break & that isn't yours to fix...

Btw, even if you don't fight or argue with him in front of the kids, when u are angry, kids can feel it. Please just stop caring if he doesn't call, stop caring if he isn't being the dad you wan for your kids, it leads to anger & sometimes kids will feel that anger & if dad starts saying he isn't coming around because of how hard it is to be around you, then the kids might believe him a little. They are too young to understand everything, but they can feel tension when it's there, and they know tension is uncomfortable & they know no one wants to be uncomfortable. If he decides not to come around even though there isn't any tension, then they will know it's him & him alone. Let him be the problem. In the meantime, love your kids & let them tell you if they are disappointed or hurt, don't play into it by sharing, just acknowledge their pain & help them work through their thoughts. Let them lead.

Once again, I didn't say any of this to be critical. You are following the right track for mourning the loss if your marriage. You are at a point though now where you have to let go of the "pain" of it, it's time to fully accept that it's just you now. Live every day as if he's gone completely, if & when he shows up, let it be about the kids. I know it's so hard, there are so many aspects about raising kids between 2 households that make things so hard not to feel you have to make a point. Pick your battles, think about how you would react if it had been your loving husband that had made an error & then respond accordingly. If his actions are something you would have not made a big deal about, don't. If they are something you would have flipped your lid, something truly dangerous, then flip your lid. Jamba Juice? Yes it's physically dangerous but I've also seen dads that have given their kids something they were allergic to by accident when they were still happily married, moms reaction could be to laugh it off & then everyone ha to remember this and never do it again. Or, she could flip her lid if she knew he was truly at wrong. If you were still married, and happy, would you have argued?

Reply
Jenny
11/13/2012 01:09:53 am

Ps, these holidays are your 1st, so they will e especially hard, just work through them, next year you will have less pain & acceptance of how things are.

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