I was in Target today...... I love Target. Not as much as I love WalMart, mind you .... (I can hear Internet trolls snickering everywhere.....) - but I love Target. For years there wasn't a WalMart within 30 miles of my house, so i would usually go to Target.
I have a bit of a shopping issue - especially at Holiday time. I'm always guilty of buying too much holiday decor - table cloths and knick-knacks and plates and things that light up and things that sing.
Especially things that sing - dogs and cats and snowmen and penguins that sing or rap a holiday themed song when you push the button on their paw. The Boy LOVES those - always has. A few years ago I figured out that I could take a small screwdriver - like one you use for eye glasses - and a pocket full of double AA and triple AAA batteries and test out all the donated singing and dancing guys at The Goodwill. For a few bucks I could pick up a slightly stained version of the same toy sold at Target for ten times the price.
The Boy was heaven - dozens of guys I paid under $4 for ... he'd line them up and push all their buttons at once watching them rock and dance and sing until the last once stopped. Then he'd start again.
I'm sure it's the same for most families, but the holidays have always been a special time for me and The Boy. We'd walk the aisles of every major store looking at the latest trinkets and pushing all the buttons on the singing guys.... no doubt, the cashiers loved us. lol
While Halloween is really about The Boy - Thanksgiving and Christmas was really about me.
So today I was walking about Target looking for something and I turned a corner around the end of the food aisle and found myself smack in the center of Christmas. The first end cap I was standing in front of was for Santa Hats - and they have a sequin pink Santa hat that I bought for The Girl last year. I stood there and thought... "Oh, The Girl would love that - I should buy it!"..... then I thought about the fact that I already own it... then I realized that it was packed away in storage.
Our whole life is packed away in storage.... I can't help but feel a bit like our holiday is packed away in storage.
I started to walk away and I saw a gorgeous little table cloth and as my hand was reaching for it - I stopped myself because I realized that I don't need to buy table cloths or knick-knacks.... because *I* don't have a house anymore. I don't have a dining room table.
The truth is ...... I almost feel like *I* don't have a 'holiday' anymore. Does that make sense? I don't have a house to decorate, or a table to cover, or even a tree to decorate of our own. I'm VERY grateful for where we stay... but once you're a Mom, a woman with your own place - when you move away from that it's just hard not to have a place of your own.
I'll let you in on a little secret..... I found my dream home. It's nothing fancy, It's a lovely two story town home located in Hillsboro. It's an Arbor Roses home - and the units there sell for under $100K. I know there are placed in this country where that is a lot for house - but in Oregon... that's almost FREE!!!!
There are units with three bedrooms, two and a half baths - with a LOFT upstairs making use of that space that connects all the rooms! Which is just.... AMAZING. Pure luxury.
Just the idea of having my *own* bathroom to take a crap in.... oh - and did I mention that they all have whirlpool jetted tubs!!!! Honestly - it's like a dream of mine come true.......
Three bedrooms - one for each of us. In my mind, I think about how I could decorate their rooms, how I could change them so that they wouldn't be the same as the ones we left behind. I think about my room.... which is weird to think about. Right now, the kids and I all live in one room and share one small bed.
It's kind of scary and empty to think about living in my own room.... I dream about new comforters in shades of purple and big fluffy bed that the kids could come running to every morning to wake me up.
I think about the kitchen and how it has a pantry.... a PANTRY!!!!! I'm almost giddy by the very thought of it..... a pantry - to fill with food and pots and pans. I think about making it a "mickey mouse" kitchen - all black and red and yellow with Mickey Mouse themed stuff all around the room.
Today at Target I thought about where I'd put a tree and where we might hang the stockings.... and then I realized that that dream is years away, if not totally impossible.
Without any kind of stable income on the horizon I have about as much hope of buying/renting one of these homes as Yoga Girl has of finding her own moral compass.
It's hard, after a while - to keep on hoping. I keep reading books and talking to people and trying... and bad stuff just keeps on happening. One of my friends pointed out that with "the world" 'watching' - you'd think he'd behave better... right? Like - knowing that a lot of this ends up on the blog - that he's be out to prove me wrong and make different choices.
I can't still dream..... I can still hope. Only... instead of dreaming of a 'white Christmas' - now I just dream of an independent Christmas. One where I can take care of us - where I can decorate again and make it our own.
Sometimes I want to give up.... I want to toss in the towel and just say eff it. But then I worry - if I give up and throw in the towel - then what about the kids?
They *have* to see me get up and get going.... they *have* to see me bounce back - that's as important to their own process of healing as just about anything else....... so, no matter how much the idea of it hurts - I have to drag myself up off the floor get my tinsel on!
I have a feeling that this Christmas is goign to have a lot in common with my sex life of the last 8 years or so.... I'll be faking it.... *a lot*.
Ho Ho Ho