So, the fact that it's just me and the kids most of the time - with Bubbie of course.... well, it's what I was already used to. Working in the studio and then working on the computer all day to finish images and work on the website and stuff - I was already balancing work and the kids on my own. Having El Capitan gone is - in many ways - easier because it's one less person to clean up after... lolololol
The downside, of course, is that now that The Bubbie pretty much lives with the kids and helps me full time with them – and she's not keen on actual 'babysitting' at night. While I used to enjoy several Moms’Nights Out a Month with my friends - those are almost nonexistent now. I feel bad after working allll day and paying half attention to the kids while I manage work and phone calls and stuff - to put them to bed and run out for the night.
So I just don't do it... pretty much at all now. Plus, like I said, The Bubbie doesn't like to be the babysitter.
Tonight, however, was a rare night where The Bubbie said I could go on MNO at a friend's house.... I was super excited - I've been looking forward to it for days! The chance to sit around and catch up with my friends on their summer, their kids, finding out their school placements and what not... the usual 'end of summer' chit
chat. Like.... REALLY. LOOKING. FORWARD. TO. IT. lol
It was a lovely summer night and they have a beautiful back yard.... I don't "envy" my friends, but I’d be lying if I said that it isn't sometimes a wee bit hard to walk up to their beautiful homes with manicured lawns and multiple bathrooms.... I would neve begrudge someone else their success in life - in fact, I'm happy for them, because they don't know the pain I know ... and that's a VERY good thing. But, squeezing into a double bed with two kids and sharing one bathroom (with a usually peed on toilet seat) – well…. Let’s just say that the road to my heart is my own bathroom at this point! LOL
Anyhow, she had fancy little drinks and cocktails and mocktails and real glasses... like -you know - made of glass and they didn't have cartoon faces on them... it’s been a long time since I've had a drink from anything that didn't have Hello Kitty on the front.
Anyhow….. I did a good job for a while.... but soon, the conversation began to turn. It's like I'm that kid in the Peanuts... Linus is it....? No... That’s the one Lucy likes that plays piano. I'm like that kid with the blanket that has the bugs and dirt swirling around his head all the time... only it's not *my* dirt swirling around my head... it's El Capitan’s.
Sure, sure... I *hear* you - I'm the dumb ass who put a sign on my lawn - so just how *private* do I expect my life to be... right? However, even before the sign my *friends* knew about what had happeend... in fact, they know waaaaay more than just what the sign says. For months since this first happened... it seems like conversation almost always turns to be about me and El Capitan and Yoga Girl.....
Of course, people are interested... it's like a car wreck of the worst proportions -right? Like - if we all look and stair and take notes and ask for what and how it all happened... perhaps they could keep it happening from them? Which... I actually don't mind. I’d be curious and want to know all the details… in fact – I’ll be honest – I’m STILL curious and would LOVE to know any of the details… lololol
In fact, the other day I was at the mall I saw a couple, the wife was a wee bit tubby and it actually *cross my mind* to approach her and warn her that if she didn't take off a few pounds, her husband might, probably leave her... and if the world at large found out - they would decide he was justified in doing it. Life a Chubby Wife PSA...... perhaps it's a service I could start charging for? lolololololol
Anyhow... tonight I was having a lovely time but eventually the conversation turned to me and to El Capitan and ..... then I turn into Debbie Downer. Step right up ladies and gentlewomen.... see the woman whose ass is the size of a house.. whose husband left her... who blah blah blah...... It's like my very own Scarlet Letter of Social Pain and Shame… lol and then I feel *bad* because it's like I'm ruining everyone else's great night out with my stories of woe and misplaced penis'. Damn......
I think I need to ground myself.... like wait a few more months before I try to venture out into the world of happily married people.... my friends are GREAT. They would never complain - at least not to my face... hehehehe - thanks ladies! But, I feel like *they* deserve better... *they* deserve me to be happy and fun... not some kind of Debbie Downer of
Hopefully my friends are willing to up with me until I can get over this better…… it’s a slower road than you would think…. And while I can ‘fake it’ for the kids’ sake– it’s soooo much harder to fake it in front of your
friends….. I guess that’s the price of having great friends. See… there you go – silver lining and yet another thing I have to be grateful for friends: good friends. Oh… that and two beautiful babies who – to be honest – I love to snuggle with and I’m not sure I’d get a bigger bed if I could … they won’t be this small forever!