It's been a learning year.... a year of mirrors, exposing to me what I've done wrong as a wife, how I failed as a mother, where I've gone wrong as a woman.... and revealing to me ways in which I could do better. Be better.
I'm still waiting for this mystical mirror to show me how to heal both myself and the children... but those are answers certainly worth waiting for.
In the meantime, I have so many things that I have to figure out for the children and I - like... how we're going to get by and where we're going to live.... and how am I going to make that thing we call money?
I think, in terms of logistics - and not just pure emotion - money and how to provide for us is the thing I think about most.... after Yoga Girl and El Capitan, of course. sigh.... really wish I could stop thinking about that. It's a freaking waste of my time, that's for sure... but, like most women in my shoes: it's really hard to let it go.
There are so many things I did *not* like about this past year... at all. Full stop. So many things. Many of those things I've listed here in recent weeks and months. Many too painful to to remember on a night that should be about celebration and moving forward and looking ahead..... so I won't.
Instead.... I'll remember The Boy playing in the grass at the feet of The Statue of Liberty. I'll remember The Girl, still small enough to curl up in my lap and hold my hands with her tiny, dimpled, fat, baby hands..... those hands: sweet, fat baby hands. Next year they'll be the hands of a little girl - not my baby girl. That's a little bittersweet.
I'll remember the pain of writing the book - the emotional fog I seemed to be immersed in.... but that, of course, is taken well over by the joy of people actually *buying* the book and reviewing it. People I don't know actually giving the book FIVE STARS!!!!
Just.... really, humbling and amazing. I know it won't sell a million copies... I know it's not going to be a "Best Seller"... but thankfully, I set my sights low and already 'selling out' the first run on Christmas Eve and getting so many kind reviews... well, that's enough for me. I'll consider that a gold star, put a feather in my cap and move on humbly. I know it's no 'Catcher In the Rye'... but it's the honest account of my story and I can't expect to be any less flawed and raw and real as I am. I think on those points, I stayed true and honest and I'm proud of that.
I'm not only proud of myself for writing the book - but proud of that fact that Mick and Scarlet and members of Drew's family all 'approved' their parts and gave the "ok" to be in the book. Mick read his chapters and said it was actually a bit of a "mind f*ck" because my descriptions were so accurate and real that for a time he was right back on the Byers Road walking with me.... and that as a bit surreal. So I felt very proud of that.
Most of all.... I'm proud of the fact that through it all, my children still love me. I know that sounds a bit crazy... but I'm keenly aware of when I fail them, when I let them down - and navigating a road that I was not only totally unprepared for - but rather unwillingly being dragged down - can often make for less than stellar parenting moments.
I am proud.... of The Sign. I am proud that in the face of my own personal, emotional destruction, I had the courage to laugh both at my situation and at myself. I'm especially proud The Sign sold by house. lol
And... in spite of what people think, or how people judge me - I'm proud of that fact that I've not let go my own personal values, I've not traded on vengeance and anger and allowed those emotions to dictate my actions. while I have certainly *said* honest and true things to El Capitan that most certainly hurt his feelings .... I have not taken any actions to hurt anyone. I think, humbly, that that is something I should be proud of.
We cannot always control how people treat us, the things they do to us... and by all means: we should talk, blog, share with friends and family - all of our feelings and emotions - the good, the bad and the inner-ugly. So long as the *actions* we take keep us on a course that we can look back in a month or a year or even a decades time and still be proud.... I *think* that that is something I've achieved this year. At least... that was the goal.
I am also very proud of my friends. They were supportive - but not in the 'usual' sense. They were true friends - there when I needed them - but not in an obnoxious way. They don't crowd around me for the gossip or the horror stories... they are both reliable and strong for me (even when I know that the details I'm sharing are brutal for them to hear and given a choice... they would sometimes choose not to hear it at all).... they have remained steadfast - and that is amazing.
Jenny-Jen-Jen, Jenny B., Miss Chloe, Miss Courtney, Miss Janda, Miss Jaimey, Miss Megan... and dozens more. Each of them, supportive and wonderful..... providing a constant reminder of the blessings in my life.
Last... but not least; The Blog. I think we can all clearly see that I never set out to be a blogger... hahaha. My lack of proper grammar, spelling errors and well... yeah: it's clear I never set out on this road deliberately. However, now that I'm here... now that we're all here - I have to say, this has been really amazing.
So many of you have shared your stories, which have inspired me and kept me going when I really just wanted to give up. I know that seems far fetched and crazy... but I think our world is changing and we're realizing this cyber world, this social media that connects: for many of us, it has *truly* connected us. At least that is the way I feel... truly connected to many of you. Humbly, and perhaps even a bit awkwardly so.
In a year of the biggest disconnect of my life... it is both symbolic and crazy to think that I would stumble upon the biggest 'connection' in my life.
So I leave you all with one of my favorite poems, though written in the Scottish brogue, as it should be read. In Scotland there is no bigger day in the year than Hogmanay - and I was lucky enough to have three Hogmanay's there. It's truly an amazing night..... I spent my night with two amazing kids who ate their favorite dinner, their favorite desert and then suffered through Anderson Cooper and Kathy whatsherface - what a let down that was.... lolol - but they counted down the ball ad we all wished each other a Happy New Year.
So, I wish you all that as well: Happy Hogmanay.
(PS.... for those following El Capitan watch... it's now 11 days, no calls, texts or emails.... radio silent. again. sigh)
Auld Lang Syne
by, Robert Burns
Shid ald akwentans bee firgot,
an nivir brocht ti mynd?
Shid ald akwentans bee firgot,
an ald lang syn*?
CHORUS:Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn,
wil tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn. An sheerly yil bee yur pynt-staup!
an sheerly al bee myn!
An will tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.
CHORUS We twa hay rin aboot the braes,
an pood the gowans fyn;
Bit weev wandert monae a weery fet,
sin ald lang syn.
CHORUS We twa hay pedilt in the burn,
fray mornin sun til dyn;
But seas between us bred hay roard
sin ald lang syn.
CHORUS An thers a han, my trustee feer!
an gees a han o thyn!
And we’ll tak a richt‡ gude-willie-waucht‡,
fir ald lang syn.