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Happy Anniversary.... to everyone.

4/18/2013

4 Comments

 
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It's crazy to think about it... but one year ago tonight I had just finished arguing with El Capitan in the driveway about installing car seats for the first time in the dark and I was finishing packing my bag for that now infamous Mommy Weekend Away.....

Sunday will be One Year Anniversary of El Capitan leaving for La Novia.

Wow.  Crazy.

I was thinking today, if I could go back in time, if I could go back and may be warn myself or stop it..... would?  I would I go back and change anything.....?

I thought a lot about that today.  I thought about the kids, and how much they have hurt.
I thought about me.
I thought about where we were..... and where we are now.
I thought about El Capitan .... and I even thought (nice things) about La Novia.
and the truth.....?

I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one single thing.
I wouldn't change El Capitan cheating .... because it saved me:  it saved us.
He showed me who he really was and in doing that.... set us both free.

I have to say....12 months on:  I really like my freedom.

I was so scared 12 months ago.  Those first few nights and days and weeks.... the pain coursed through my veins night and day.  I worried about future holidays and having to "share" the children and packing them up for 'weekends with Dad' - I feared the pain of being without my children like that.....

I talk about it a lot in The Book - I think what made everything harder at the time was my fear of the unknown - what would Christmas look like?  How much would it hurt?  What was going to happen to the emotional stability of our children?  How much would this f*ck them up?  How could there come a day where I didn't wake up to my two smiling and happy children.... because they were sleeping somewhere else?

I was so scared.

The thing is..... I didn't let the fear control my actions.  I didn't let my fears dictate my decisions - those I made from as objective and 'healthy' a place as possible.... as a result, 12 months on, I have very little to apologize for to anyone.  I don't have anything that I need to hang in my head in shame about or be embarrassed about.  I was fair and I acted in fairness.  Done.

I took the time we needed to heal and make us whole again.... and we are.
Thank f*ck for that.

El Capitan stumbled.... well... a lot.  If you're read The Blog all along, then you know this all too well.  I can't answer for why or what was going on in his head.... I can't say he won't go through another period of time like that again.... BUT - I got the children safely through the last year, so now I'm pretty confident that I can get them through it again if I need too.  Hopefully though...I won't.

Just like I have needed time to heal and figure myself out - El Capitan has to take time for himself as well.  He has to spend some time on dealing with his own things and finding himself.... and I think he'll do that.
I hope he's doing that right now.

I always said that he was a good Dad and a nice guy.... he just made a catastrophic mistake.
That's still true.  But those things are past tense.... and... they are forgiven.
Not forgotten.... but forgiven for sure.

I don't hold a grudge against him.
I don't wish him any ill-will.
I don't want him to live in failure simply because he cheated on me.
I don't want him to be unhappy.

I hope that he's found love with La Novia.
I hope she's the one.... I hope she proves to be worth it for all of us.

Regardless.... I have grown to not only tolerate her, but to accept her.  She's a f*cking firecracker of a chic - mouthy and funny and brash and not afraid to speak her mind.... which is kind of kick ass.  I choose to be believe that youth coupled with love-struck eyes compromised her moral values which lead to them cheating.... and at some point, we're all guilty of doing really stupid things for love.
I know I have.

This is the woman who told me the truth.  She was honest.  She apologized.  She answered the phone when I called, she answered my questions.... she talked to me:  she didn't run and hide.  

She sat across a table from me and agreed to put my children first in her life.
F*ck yeah.... and I think she'll do it.
As their mother... there is nothing more I can ask of a person.  Nothing.

I consider myself lucky that La Novia was the woman he found.... because if you're going to get "replaced" by anyone in your marriage, it's pretty f*cking nice when it's someone you can actually see a little bit of yourself in - someone you can find respect for - someone.... you secretly get a bit of a kick out of.

At least.... I can now.  I have to get past my "Ugly Baby Teeth" phase.... sorry about that.  I was just being honest.... I'll never be anything less than honest.  You have to own what you did and I have to own what I said and what I wrote... which - *really* - isn't much compared to what it could have been... so I stand by my statement that I don't have anything to be sorry for.  lol


And you know what.... being a single Mom?  It's not so bad.  I have lots of family and friends who have most *certainly* made this journey ONE THOUSAND TIMES EASIER.  The strength of my friendships have been the safety net that kept me on *this* side of sanity.... I owe them my life..... Miss J, Jenny-Jen-Jen, Jenny B, Miss Chloe, Miss Elissa, Miss Kathy..... really.  I can't thank them enough.


The kids and I have moved through the pain and the anger and the disappointment and we've come out the other side - having gone to Disneyland and The Great Wolf Lodge and tons of day trips:  together.  That's never changed.... we were always going away and doing things on our own - like the picture above - The Boy is 4 and The Girl is.... 6 months old.... and I took them to Seattle and to The Pike Place Market:  on our own.


That hasn't changed.  We're still together.  The pain didn't break us ... it only masked our happiness for a little while.... but it didn't break us.  I kind of think we're actually better and strong for it all... The Boy had a deep understanding of decision making and how every decision you made can affect someone else.  He understand that love and family is complex and forgiveness is required.


And.... he's been strong enough to give it.
(Booyah to me..... high kick!)


We've laughed and cried and learned so much along this road... hard life lessons that I wouldn't have wanted them to witness as such early ages... but I always said that if the worst thing that ever happened to my kids was that their parents got divorced, then I will have considered them to have had a *very* good life.
So far.... life just keeps getting better.
Thank G*d.


And me..... well - I've shed almost 60 pounds now....  and I gained back my life, myself and.... I'm happy.
Dare I say it - for fear that it will go away? lololol..... but it's true:  I'm happier.


El Capitan is happier.... and the truth is - we both deserve to be happy regardless of how we got here.


I'm not afraid anymore - instead I've welcomed the changes and the transitions - and we're all the better for it. The kids are loving their time with El Capitan and La Novia and me.......?  Well.... I've found out that it's not really so bad to spend an afternoon or an evening on my own or out with new friends.  I've found out a lot about myself - some I knew, some I'd hidden and some I didn't yet fully understand.... and it's been a blessing to be able to take this time to really be the person I was meant to be.


I kind of owe them a thanks.... but instead - I'll just wish them a nice Anniversary weekend. :)


Many months ago I wrote a blog post about the song by Phil Phillips:  Home
"Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home"



I'm pretty proud of that the fact that I didn't lose site of that goal - I didn't allow myself to get caught up in the pain and the anger and the resentment giving the power to bind us up and hold us down... instead I pushed forward, some days only inches at a time... but still pushing.  And here we are:  happy, together:  home.

So here I sit... going into this weekend - which is going to be a *Very* different weekend for me.... date four with my someone.... interesting? :)  Yes please...... :)  And I'm grateful for the year we've had, every heart aching moment of it... because it's made us who are and propels us towards who we will be and so long as I remain true to the course of having Two Happy Children from One Broken Home:  we can't go wrong.


I really didn't think I'd be sitting here 12 months ago.... and I'm just so f*cking grateful that I am.
So. F*cking. Grateful.


   


4 Comments
Kay Harris link
4/18/2013 11:36:39 pm

I really hope I can get to the point that you're at right now. All I can think of right now is pain and bitterness and betrayal. How could my husband have an affair and blow up our family like that? How could he be so self-absorbed that all he cares about is his own happiness? Hopefully in a year I'll get to the point that you're at and I will say - wow, she was right. Freedom is awesome. My story is here - http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/ (And my husband told me that he had an affair because my dog ate his hat... that's the kind of stuff I'm dealing with right now.)

Reply
Alex
4/19/2013 04:50:23 am

It's such a relief to hear you all are seeing a happy ending so far, and that you Elle, had enough support and enough success to be able to truly free after something like this.

Your optimism and achievements have inspired me to shut up my cynicism so I have the chance to watch something beautiful grow.

My only fear Elle, (and you know I think really highly of you, so I would never minimize your contributions to making this situation what it is, you really did it), is that you make it seem achievable based solely on own's actions, and that's not true for many people.

Not everyone's El Capitan becomes less of a schmuck despite their best efforts to reach out and they are bled dry. So don't judge too harshly those that said "don't make it too easy for him", because, at least on my part, we meant "don't be bled dry".

--- La Novia, I hope you've read my past comments lately about establishing a good relationship with Elle. A good relationship with the kids' mother will make a world of difference in your relationship with them and when there is no harm in it, one should never turn down coffee with someone fun.

---El Capitan, I wonder if you were experiencing the early 30's crisis I've heard of and are now getting past it. I hope so. I think to be truly happy now you need to go through a metamorphosis and become a more honest and selfless man than before all of this, and become brave enough to deal with your issues head on. If you don't, you'll look back at all your thrown away opportunities at happiness you didn't fight for because they weren't happy at the time. Nothing is naturally happy forever, happiness isn't given, its built. Like anything built, it needs maintenance, and often repair. Leaving to find happiness elsewhere is an unending cycle.

I think you also need (ironically), a bit of self esteem, the faith to become a better person. You've done what you've hated your father for doing, and your brother for doing. I'm guessing you might be feeling you're just one of them now, but you don't have to continue to be. True, you can't throw stones at them ever again, but you don't have to be one of them. You do have a choice.

Try finding people who can guide you on this journey. Any of your friends that hi-fived you for being able to sleep next to a 22 year old? Dump them. They've just disrespected her, your kids, your wife (at the time), your family, and your potential to be a good partner and father.

Get some guidance, and be willing to take it on the chin. You'll be happier in the long run for it.

Good luck.

Reply
Nigel Paice
4/23/2013 07:13:03 am

Elle,
Kay Harris who has posted above this has linked to her website. It all sound so familiar...

No. I'm not doing ANOTHER boo with her, but have you ever considered counseling? I mean being a counselor not going (lol)

No need to publish this comment. In fact I'd rather you didn't.

Reply
Timothy M. Sanborn
5/5/2013 08:08:31 am

Elle I have to tell you it isn't always the woman who gets cheated on. I left my wife of almost 28 years when I met who I thought was going to be the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. My wife and I had problems before this other woman came into the picture and I would be the first to admit I was as much at fault as she was and I was at the end of my rope at the end. But to get back to why I am writing you.
The woman I had left my wife for whose name is Tammie said she wanted someone in her life that wasn't going to play games and at this point in my life I was beyond game playing. Tammie and I had started living together, more or less as we were living in a camper on her parent's property and she had an 18 year old daughter who wrote the book on being a drama queen. Well it was going on seven months of what I thought was almost near perfection despite living in a camper. I thought the world of her parents as I did her daughter and son. Well things were going well until a few days before my birthday when I made the mistake of telling her she should be happy that she is with someone who isn't constantly claiming or thinking she is cheating. When I said that she got quiet and I asked her what was wrong and she said maybe you shouldn't feel that way or words to that effect. I asked her why she would say something like that and she said because I cheated on you.
Elle if that wasn't bad enough she went on to say it wasn't just one man but two and it was at the same time. I was devastated. I have always thought life was precious but at that moment I seriously considered killing myself and about a week later I actually tried. Fast forward I am with someone who truly loves me and I love as well but I was more devastated than I have ever been in my entire life. I have always lived that I would leave someone before I would ever cheat on them and that was the reason I left my now ex-wife. I was completely honest with her and she granted me the divorce because she didn't want me staying where I wasn't happy. Funny thing is my ex-girlfriend hurt me more than I had ever been hurt before and the sad thing is I for the longest time still loved her and would have done anything to be with her until I realized once a cheater always a cheater and I wasn't going to live with someone I could never ever trust!

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