Sunday will be One Year Anniversary of El Capitan leaving for La Novia.
I was thinking today, if I could go back in time, if I could go back and may be warn myself or stop it..... would? I would I go back and change anything.....?
I thought a lot about that today. I thought about the kids, and how much they have hurt.
I thought about me.
I thought about where we were..... and where we are now.
I thought about El Capitan .... and I even thought (nice things) about La Novia.
and the truth.....?
I wouldn't change a thing. Not one single thing.
I wouldn't change El Capitan cheating .... because it saved me: it saved us.
He showed me who he really was and in doing that.... set us both free.
I have to say....12 months on: I really like my freedom.
I was so scared 12 months ago. Those first few nights and days and weeks.... the pain coursed through my veins night and day. I worried about future holidays and having to "share" the children and packing them up for 'weekends with Dad' - I feared the pain of being without my children like that.....
I talk about it a lot in The Book - I think what made everything harder at the time was my fear of the unknown - what would Christmas look like? How much would it hurt? What was going to happen to the emotional stability of our children? How much would this f*ck them up? How could there come a day where I didn't wake up to my two smiling and happy children.... because they were sleeping somewhere else?
I was so scared.
The thing is..... I didn't let the fear control my actions. I didn't let my fears dictate my decisions - those I made from as objective and 'healthy' a place as possible.... as a result, 12 months on, I have very little to apologize for to anyone. I don't have anything that I need to hang in my head in shame about or be embarrassed about. I was fair and I acted in fairness. Done.
I took the time we needed to heal and make us whole again.... and we are.
Thank f*ck for that.
El Capitan stumbled.... well... a lot. If you're read The Blog all along, then you know this all too well. I can't answer for why or what was going on in his head.... I can't say he won't go through another period of time like that again.... BUT - I got the children safely through the last year, so now I'm pretty confident that I can get them through it again if I need too. Hopefully though...I won't.
Just like I have needed time to heal and figure myself out - El Capitan has to take time for himself as well. He has to spend some time on dealing with his own things and finding himself.... and I think he'll do that.
I hope he's doing that right now.
I always said that he was a good Dad and a nice guy.... he just made a catastrophic mistake.
That's still true. But those things are past tense.... and... they are forgiven.
Not forgotten.... but forgiven for sure.
I don't hold a grudge against him.
I don't wish him any ill-will.
I don't want him to live in failure simply because he cheated on me.
I don't want him to be unhappy.
I hope that he's found love with La Novia.
I hope she's the one.... I hope she proves to be worth it for all of us.
Regardless.... I have grown to not only tolerate her, but to accept her. She's a f*cking firecracker of a chic - mouthy and funny and brash and not afraid to speak her mind.... which is kind of kick ass. I choose to be believe that youth coupled with love-struck eyes compromised her moral values which lead to them cheating.... and at some point, we're all guilty of doing really stupid things for love.
I know I have.
This is the woman who told me the truth. She was honest. She apologized. She answered the phone when I called, she answered my questions.... she talked to me: she didn't run and hide.
She sat across a table from me and agreed to put my children first in her life.
F*ck yeah.... and I think she'll do it.
As their mother... there is nothing more I can ask of a person. Nothing.
I consider myself lucky that La Novia was the woman he found.... because if you're going to get "replaced" by anyone in your marriage, it's pretty f*cking nice when it's someone you can actually see a little bit of yourself in - someone you can find respect for - someone.... you secretly get a bit of a kick out of.
At least.... I can now. I have to get past my "Ugly Baby Teeth" phase.... sorry about that. I was just being honest.... I'll never be anything less than honest. You have to own what you did and I have to own what I said and what I wrote... which - *really* - isn't much compared to what it could have been... so I stand by my statement that I don't have anything to be sorry for. lol
And you know what.... being a single Mom? It's not so bad. I have lots of family and friends who have most *certainly* made this journey ONE THOUSAND TIMES EASIER. The strength of my friendships have been the safety net that kept me on *this* side of sanity.... I owe them my life..... Miss J, Jenny-Jen-Jen, Jenny B, Miss Chloe, Miss Elissa, Miss Kathy..... really. I can't thank them enough.
The kids and I have moved through the pain and the anger and the disappointment and we've come out the other side - having gone to Disneyland and The Great Wolf Lodge and tons of day trips: together. That's never changed.... we were always going away and doing things on our own - like the picture above - The Boy is 4 and The Girl is.... 6 months old.... and I took them to Seattle and to The Pike Place Market: on our own.
That hasn't changed. We're still together. The pain didn't break us ... it only masked our happiness for a little while.... but it didn't break us. I kind of think we're actually better and strong for it all... The Boy had a deep understanding of decision making and how every decision you made can affect someone else. He understand that love and family is complex and forgiveness is required.
And.... he's been strong enough to give it.
(Booyah to me..... high kick!)
We've laughed and cried and learned so much along this road... hard life lessons that I wouldn't have wanted them to witness as such early ages... but I always said that if the worst thing that ever happened to my kids was that their parents got divorced, then I will have considered them to have had a *very* good life.
So far.... life just keeps getting better.
And me..... well - I've shed almost 60 pounds now.... and I gained back my life, myself and.... I'm happy.
Dare I say it - for fear that it will go away? lololol..... but it's true: I'm happier.
El Capitan is happier.... and the truth is - we both deserve to be happy regardless of how we got here.
I'm not afraid anymore - instead I've welcomed the changes and the transitions - and we're all the better for it. The kids are loving their time with El Capitan and La Novia and me.......? Well.... I've found out that it's not really so bad to spend an afternoon or an evening on my own or out with new friends. I've found out a lot about myself - some I knew, some I'd hidden and some I didn't yet fully understand.... and it's been a blessing to be able to take this time to really be the person I was meant to be.
I kind of owe them a thanks.... but instead - I'll just wish them a nice Anniversary weekend. :)
Many months ago I wrote a blog post about the song by Phil Phillips: Home
"Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home"
I'm pretty proud of that the fact that I didn't lose site of that goal - I didn't allow myself to get caught up in the pain and the anger and the resentment giving the power to bind us up and hold us down... instead I pushed forward, some days only inches at a time... but still pushing. And here we are: happy, together: home.
So here I sit... going into this weekend - which is going to be a *Very* different weekend for me.... date four with my someone.... interesting? :) Yes please...... :) And I'm grateful for the year we've had, every heart aching moment of it... because it's made us who are and propels us towards who we will be and so long as I remain true to the course of having Two Happy Children from One Broken Home: we can't go wrong.
I really didn't think I'd be sitting here 12 months ago.... and I'm just so f*cking grateful that I am.
So. F*cking. Grateful.