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Goodwill To All.......

8/3/2012

7 Comments

 
One Internet Naysayer recently stated that clearly I was trying to use El Capitan's affair to become a millionaire by selling the magnets.....

Oh.... how I wish - actually, El Capitan's wishes for that, too... lololol

But sadly, even with my magnet sales (super duper thanks to everyone who bought one!), I'm not exactly scaling my pile of Scrooge McDuck gold coins in my living room... not yet anyway.  lolol

Then there was the whole Scott Disick fiasco where people were stating that Mr. Disick should by my house for me because  well.... clearly *he* has money. bwahahahahah

That's not gonna' happen either..... :)

So that had me thinking about money and life..... and how even though we didn't have much right now, we still had more than enough as far as I was concerned, and certainly we were much better off than we used to be.

Being a photographer is the only thing I've ever really done for a "living" since I was 19 years old.... which, frankly is a sad state of affairs because you would think that after 18 years of doing something I would be a hell of a lot better than I am now... lolol - but alas... there it is - 18 years!

I did weddings for 6 of those years.... 6 long, draining, drama-filled years that were filled with an insane amount of anxiety and worry and panic (all on my part, of course) because *if* you take doing someone's wedding as seriously as you *should* then it should cause mind-blowing amounts of stress.  At least... that's how I saw it.

So the year after I had our Baby Girl, El Capitan got the "big" promotion we had waited for.... and he told me I could stop doing weddings... which - was a dream come true!  Focus on the babies and totallyradcards.com and give up the sleepless nights and 14 hours days in the heat carrying a 50lb bag.  I pulled my business out of the bridal show and just. plain. quit. weddings!

We hadn't really every "done a budget".... so we were not at all prepared for HOW MUCH this would affect our families bottom line.... and Christmas that following year was R.O.U.G.H.

I had been saving up gifts cards from clients and was able to get The Boy a Wii for his room, and my parents bought and mounted him a TV to the wall in his room.  I bought furniture from the Goodwill and covered it in Superman stickers and spent alllll night on Christmas Eve pulling out his toddler bed and installing the Goodwill furniture and the Wii so that when he woke up on Christmas day, he had a totally brand new room.  His first "big boy room" - I spent a whopping $60 out of pocket for it too!

It was AWESOME.

The Girl ... well, she's always been my "little Mama", always loving baby dolls and feeding them and dressing them.... so I would go out every single night to the Goodwill - there are seven locations not far from our house - and I would scour the shelves for any kind of "nice" baby doll or a Disney Princess doll.  I would bring them home and clean their faces and wash their hair (you can find instructions for restoring doll hair online!!!! How did people survive before Google?.....) and I would spend days and days looking for doll clothes to fit them.

Some them were just wrapped up buck naked though... lol - she didn't seem to care much.  She had dozens of "babies" to open... she didn't know they should have come in pretty boxes with bows in their hair.

Then I figured out that people were donating HUGE bags of Beanie Babies.... so, instead of buying stocking stuffers, I found these huge bags of Beanie Babies for like $5 and $6, I'd pull out the cleanest/best ones and donate back the rest.  All in all, I bought like three bags of the Beanie Babies and their stockings were brimming over with smiley stuffed animal faces under the tree.

In the end, the massive pile of gift wrapped happiness under our tree was H.U.G.E - but cost me less than $125 for the two kids.....

Why did you have to go to so much trouble?  Where does all your money go you ask.....?  Medical bills.

Each year for the last five years running we totaled over $12,000 out of pocket (EVERY SINGLE YEAR!)  in medical expenses. :(  That year was really really bad... I had had VERY BAD dental work done.  For a year I went back and back and complained and the oh-so-lovely Dentist of Suck who told me that the constant pain in my face was due to my "grinding my teeth" at night.

Wrong.  It would later be discovered the May previous to this Christmasof Goodwills, that I had an infection in my skull that went into my spinal fluid (and seriously... nearly killed me) but because they couldn't figure out *why* I was so sick (because sadly, Dr. House is actually just a character on TV) - and they put me in a quarantine.

I missed Mother's Day with the kids that year because they weren't allowed to see me. :(

Anyhow.... after that ENTIRE mess (and I lost two top teeth due to the infection) - ... we just didn't have alot of extra money going around at the holidays.

I look back and instead of being sad or "ashamed" at that time, I was proud.  I was proud that I was able to find all the things that would make my children smile on Christmas morning even though I didn't have credit cards or extra money to spend.  It was a great Christmas..... we were happy.  It's so hard to think about that now.... that we were happy then:  a happy, whole family.

I was happy because even then I knew that there were people who had it *much* worse than we did - we still had our home, heating, running water... and each other...... those basics we often take for granted.

Right when we were married I was working for a wonderful Single Mom and she had done very well for herself in the business world but she had shared with me that when she had first become a single mom she was so broke that the only food she got was the food that was left on her sons plate after she had put him to bed.  She would lie and tell him that she "ate at work", so he wouldn't feel bad or ashamed.  Then after she put him to bed, she'd get his plate back out of the fridge and finish what was left... and sometimes it was nothing.

I was so inspired by her and by her true sacrifice as a Mom.  Pure Amazing.

Looking back now... I'm glad I was happy even then.  I didn't waste the precious years I had as a whole family and as a wife being angry or frustrated with our situation...we *never* fought about money: ever.  We just made do and made the best of what we had.. and I'm so so so glad we did now because instead of fighting over the holidays about what we didn't have or what we couldn't give the kids - in the end - we gave them the gift of a whole family opening presents at Christmas... which is something I can't buy them this year.  At all.

So sure.... it would be nice for someone to buying a million magnets (oh... and I can think of like at least THREE local families who find themselves housed immediately if I had money like that! lol).... but, we all know that isn't going to happen... and honestly, what I have *now* is still more than most!  That's always a hard thing to remember... but it's true.... I figure so long as I can afford food for all three of us, we're better off than some and I'm very grateful just for that.

And seriously..... hit up your local Goodwill - not only do they employ some pretty cool people, but you might be SHOCKED to find some really awesome toys there! (I once bought an American Girl doll for $2.99 who cleaned up GREAT!)  and... the bonus?  You're helping people every time you shop there!

7 Comments
Shannon Steffens link
8/3/2012 10:00:31 am

Elle - I have always been so amazed at your positive outlook. It has inspired me through tougher times and reminded me to take the higher road often. I agree. In fact tonight as I realized that we lacked many 'options' for dinner, that and that I needed to grocery shop. I am so GRATEFUL that I can go tomorrow and buy food for myself and the kids. So what if I had a corn dog and pop tart for dinner, (we have all the parts and no whole for meals right now)

Reply
Ruth
8/3/2012 06:42:26 pm

Wow! Thank you for sharing! Your wit, honesty and awesome sense of humor are rays of light. Quite uplifting. Best wishes to you and your little ones!

Reply
Yolanda
8/4/2012 02:30:46 am

Hang in there! You can do it! I am living proof. My ex left me with an 18 month old baby to chase a young girl. My son turned out to be a beautiful young man (now 20) and I married my own prince charming (10 years ago). It does get better. Take it one day at a time. The other woman will NEVER win, and when she leaves him high and dry - you will see. Don tworry about revenge, do you everyday. Love the kids as much as you can. I admire your post, you are so honest about the pain I can feel it. I will be praying for you and your children.

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azannah11
8/4/2012 03:34:13 am

OMG this is the best thing I've read all week! I had to buy a magnet! If I could I would buy them all. Kudos to you girl! I wish I would have had 1/10 you courage and imagination years ago.

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Shelley Hudson
8/4/2012 05:25:33 am

Dear Elle,
I am so sorry. I'm even more sorry that I can say with certainty that I know how you feel. I caught my beloved husband of 17 years cheating with a 25 year old girl on August 2, 2009 (he was 41). I absolutely had no idea. I, like you, was labeled "the crazy one," and my husband told our friends that we'd been having lots of problems that no one knew about (I certainly didn't!). I kicked him out, and he flew to Plano, Texas where she and her 3 year old daughter lived (we are from Southern California) a few days later. I stayed up for days and days, staring at the amex statement on the computer while charges from restaurants and bagel shops were added every few hours. He called me when he got back and told me he was in love with her and that he was going to move her and the kid to our town (he had never met this child until that trip). I lived in my bed for about half a year and could hardly work. I cried day and night. I screamed into my pillow until I had no voice and had broken blood vessels in my face. I was hoarding all my anti-anxiety and sleeping meds, and I carried a baggie of pills in my purse at all times in case I decided I just couldn't take one more minute. I called the girl's office at all hours of the day and night, leaving disgusting, sobbing messages in the "general" voice mail box so that her coworkers would hear. My husband's attorney sent me a letter threatening to take a restraining order. I didn't care. I sent an email to my husband's entire rugby team (he was the coach of the Los Angeles team at the time) from his email account telling everyone that he had been cheating on me and meeting a girl in hotels in different cities when he was supposed to be out of town on business. I called his mother and told her about the sleazy emails I'd found in his computer. When I found out that my husband was meeting her in Vegas for Labor Day, I sent her a text message saying, "I hope you die in a fiery, bloody plane crash on the way to fuck my husband." By the way, to this day I don't regret a SINGLE word I said or "crazy" behavior. I was forced to react to an unfamiliar situation and was overcome by unfamiliar emotions. I stand by my actions.

I couldn't afford to keep the fixer-upper we had just finished fixing up, so we had to sell at a huge loss. We had used all the money we had made fixing up a few other houses as a down payment on that one. I moved into a rickety rental house and rented out a bedroom to a stranger.

Thursday marked the three-year "anniversary" of the worst day of my life. August 23, 2012, would've been our 20th wedding anniversary. I always imagined that we'd have a party and renew our vows. Our wedding in 1992 was a quickie trip to Vegas with some friends in a rented van. I wore a linen skirt and jacket that were too big for me. I wanted to wear a real wedding dress and have a photographer take beautiful photos at the big 20th anniversary party.

I am an attractive, fit, intelligent, kind, generous, loving 43-year-old woman. I'm an interior designer, and I've had my own business for 16 years. I never had kids because my husband and I decided not to. I took my marriage seriously and was the best partner I knew how to be. I never would've considered myself a woman who would tolerate infidelity, but I admit now that I wish I would've never discovered it. I was deliriously happy and fulfilled. I know now that my husband would've let the affair run its course--he was never planning to leave me for the girl. We were very, very close--even for a married couple--and we honored one another every day.

I moved again a year ago to another rented house. I sublet the bedrooms to roommates, all of whom are divorced. We all lean on each other for support, because all our friends are married and (thankfully for them) don't understand. It's the best I can do at this point.

In the early months after my breakup, I came across the organization Beyond Affairs. I pulled myself together and got on a plane to Georgia for one of their seminars for betrayed spouses. It was overwhelming and heartbreaking, but extremely valuable. I learned so much about affairs and why and how they happen, even in good marriages. I found solace in the presence of other women who were experiencing similar pain and others who had survived it. While I was at the workshop, I realized that I wanted to make my marriage work. My husband wanted nothing to do with the idea at the time, and I couldn't persuade him to even meet with me when I came home. Since we don't have children, he could easily stay away from me. He could live in the bliss of banging this young girl and not face what he had done to our family. I tried to reach out to him for many months, but he wouldn't respond. About a year later, he broke up with the skank (get this--he "couldn't trust her"), and came to me with a half-hearted apology. It was more about how miserable he was than about remorse for hurting me,

Reply
Luanne Steele
8/4/2012 06:13:45 am

Your husband is an idiot and believe it or not you are surely better off without him than with him. Good luck! Your life will change in ways you cannot even imagine and most of it will be for the better.

Reply
E
8/4/2012 12:23:47 pm

You are an inspiring woman with a knack for writing, you should consider turning your blogs into a book. Just a thought ; )

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
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    SITE DISCLAIMER/
    POINTS OF FACT:
    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
    We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
writes The Blog from a place of honesty \and usually in the dark at 1:00am.... so please be understanding. cheers. :)