Good grief, ya'll.
I discovered that today while backing up the blog - turns out that while my *site* is backed up, the blog- is not. So I set about today copy and pasting all the posts (almost 200,000 words!!!!!!) and I was seeing the ends of some of the posts allllll kinds of effed up! :( I'm so sorry.
After much research, it turns out that if I go back in to correct something (which I often do) if I hit "publish" and not "publish changes" - it publishes a bit of an incomplete blog.... good times. Goooooood times.
(and yes, I *meant* to misspell 'nons'. lolol)
Anyhow - over the next few days I will be addressing these and other issue's. As the blog is 'growing', though after looking over the past I wonder a) why the hell so many of you kept reading! and b) how on earth I missed so much. All I can say is that I blame it on the 'fog'.
Oh.... and thanks for seeing the meat and bones of the post - and forgetting that the fancy dish I was serving it on was cracked and broken and dirty in places..... I *really* appreciate that.
So........ back into Radio Silence. I have not heard from El Capitan since I pointed out to him (via email) that his 'issue's with Netflix' are what I call 'stealing' Netflix..... which is fine.
Here's the deal people. *IF* I was this crazy, psycho ex-wife hell-bent on vengeance and wrong doing - I would call the cops and press charges.... but. You know - this is my children's Father and while I fully understand it was downright rude and irresponsible and it was in fact - stealing.... I'm not going get in a pissing match of a $7.99 monthly charge. I think a Judge (would possibly) see the level of dishonesty on El Capitan's part... and that's enough. Done.
I don't need to go making more problems for any of us.... even if *I'm* not the one actually causing the problem to begin with.
Everyone is free to do what they want in this life: I will do the *right* thing.
At least... I will always try really, really hard to do it.
The right thing is to keep trying, in spite of it all until there is no more trying left to be done. But... that's the thing about children - they always want to keep trying. That, in turns, means I have to keep trying... and going nutty about a Netflix account (while proving a total disregard for a) the law, b) my feelings and C) the fact that that's a sh*t ton of salt El Capitan is pouring into my open, gaping, bleeding wounds......) it accomplished nothing more than causing more strife and making this harder on the kids.
So. There. I hope Yoga Girl like not only stealing my husband, but also stealing a whopping $7.99 out of pocket monthly so she could watch (I'm assuming on her own) all the previous seasons of Glee and Sister Wives.... because I'm certain that El Capitan was popping the popcorn for the Supernatural, Dexter, Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad - ENTIRE SERIES viewings..... I'm pretty sure he'd rather have his eyes clawed out by a small army of badgers than watch Sister Wives.
Mind you.... this is a man who now uses the words "Fro" and "Yo" in a sentence to describe what the rest of us non-shagging-a-22-year-old-mere-mortals simply refer to as: frozen yogurt.
sigh. Perhaps my next will be titled, "What To Do When Your Husband Wakes Up an Aged Hipster."
So, I just called a spade a spade.... El Capitan is never fond of that.
And so.... we get Radio Silence. More good times.....
I'll be honest though... and I hope I don't jinx it because frankly this chubby-Alice CANNOT handle a another fall 'down the hole'.... but I'm feeling pretty ok about it all.
I think that there's been a bit of a growth in this period for me where I realize now that I had to grieve a *few* things, not just one thing.
First, I had to grieve the loss of the love of my life.
I wasn't sure I could do this, because in grieving, you have to accept the loss of that love - of that person... and for a while there, I just wasn't sure that I could handle it. That would actually survive it.
But I did.
Second, I had to learn to accept the betrayal.
That's actually been harder because *most* people would assume that once El Capitan was caught with his ding-dong in Yoga Girl's oven... that THAT would be the end of the betrayal.
Not so much for me. There's the lying *after* that (all in The Book.... you should read it. lolol) and then the MORE lying and lying and lying.... which all adds up to: betrayal.
To get *over* the betrayal, I had to stop 'caring' - which is harder than it sounds... truth be told, I have a better chance of working for tips at the local STARS, than I had (at one point) of "not caring" anymore.
THAT.... is still a work in progress... but I've stopped the buffering stage, I'm like 75% of the way to being done - and 10 months into this process... I'm ahead of schedule as far as I'm concerned.
Third, I have had to mourn the loss of the man I loved. I had to learn to accept that he stopped being that 'man' a long time ago - and that the 'man-child' he had turned into - had soiled and destroyed our marriage (like any dissident child might) - and that in that process - he had destroyed a huge part of me.
So then I had to mourn and accept the loss of a part of me that no one *asked* me if I wanted to 'get rid off' or kill off...... which was hard.... really hard.
Additionally - and we're still part of 'third' BTW - I had to accept that in having done off of this, El Capitan was no longer the man who made my heart skip a beat when he walked in the room. He's not the Father he once was (though I still hold out hope for this to recover) - and because of that - *we* were never going to be the family we once were.
So I had to *accept* this, for the simple reason that I cannot change it.
I did not cause it.
I cannot change it.
I *have* to accept it.
BUT. And here's a mighty big butt (yes, the two t's are intentional) - I don't have to wallow in it. I don't have to get down on that level and conduct business there. I can stay where I am - and wait. Wait for it to get better. Encourage it to get better - for the sake of the kids..... because if this were up to El Capitan's Ex Wife: she could give a sh*t. Trust me.
However.... My Kids Mother's - well, *she* cares and thankfully, she's still very much in charge around here and keeps any Ex-Wifeisms' at bay. My Kids Mother isn't going to do things that jeopardize the children, she's not going to say things to them, or around them.... and she's going to continue to work very hard to create a place within the children's hearts where compassion for other people and understanding for people's mistakes (while protecting their own hearts) is there and is strong.
They are going to need those qualities with *a lot* of people in their lives.... may be even me one day.
Who knows.... though I certainly hope not.
Fourth..... I had to give myself time. El Capitan didn't need time.... the second he saw an opening he shoved his way into to - and broke up our marriage. It was a plan. Period. It was a plan and there was no plan to come home. There was no intention to 'work things out'. He saw an opening and he came allll over it.... I mean - he went through it.... filled it up.... moved into it.... hmm... this could go on for a while. hahaha
Lastly....... I had to stop being *afraid*.
Afraid El Capitan will call.
Afraid El Capitan won't call.
Afraid I'll say the wrong thing to the children.
Afraid I haven't read enough books... or that I'm getting the wrong books to start with.
Afraid the children will over-hear something.
Afraid of f*cking this up... this whole 'being divorced' thing and ruining my children forever.
Afraid.... of losing myself. Losing my ability to be happy and move on.
Afraid of family court and the possibility of The Blog coming back to haunt me.
Aside from ruining the children, the possibility of court scares me *the most*. There are soooooooo many horror stories about family court and this crazy parents gets away with murder while the other parent gets nailed by the judge..... I spend *a lot* of time worrying about that. I worry that someone will read what's written here: the bitter, the broken, the scorned - and *fail* to see that while I have those feelings, I don't let them dictate how I interact with or influence the chdilren.
Oh.... how I worry about that.
I *don't* worry about El Capitan "suing" me - or anyone associated with him... in the first place, the first rule of libel is that what you write *has* be to 'untrue'. I haven't done that. Second, I'm careful about the words I use - for instance, I've never referred to Yoga Girl as a 'slut'. Many others have, but this may or may not be the case. What I *know* and can prove is that her loose lower lips sunk my marital ship.... BUT - that's just one man, and a 'slut' by definition sleeps with more than one. So, you see, one cannot and should not call Yoga Girl a slut. So you see.... it's all in *what* you say. Additionally, El Capitan put in writing that I could write The Blog and The Book and is was 'ok' with the contents.
But.... I worry that a judge wouldn't have the time to commit to reading 200,000 words to see that I'm not some crazy-man-hating-ex-wife who is ruining her children. At this point though... my fingers are crossed. I can only be me, the good, the bad, the ugly and the funny...... That's who My Kid's Mother *truly* is, and I would not pretend to be anything else.
ON THAT NOTE: the b-flat Yoga Girl note...... yesterday I mentioned that Yoga Girl "thought" we were divorced...... and that is kind of true.
Yoga Girl *knows* who I am. The place where El Capitan and Yoga Girl met was a place where I would take the children frequently and a place where *EVERYONE* knew us to be a family. She is/was facebook friends with many mutual friends - including El Capitan and SAW US posting pictures from a Great Wolf mini-vacation with friends only *WEEKS* before they had sex.... so: Yoga Girl KNEW I was married when she hooked up with El Capitan.
In fact... little tiny tid-bit: In The Book I talk about watching my Sister In Law go through a similar thing when El Capitans younger brother cheated with another girl and left her. It was HEART.BREAKING.
One *sick* side note.... is that the girl with whom the younger brother cheated with was BEST FRIENDS with a guy named.......Dick. And guess what.... Dick is now best-buddies with Yoga Girl! Dick knows me *well* and even sent me a text message on my birthday ... while he knew his good friend Yoga Girl was making out in parked cars with my husband.
I guess it's a small world, small world in Douche-Land.
Good times..... good times.
Anyhow....... at the end of the day, these people are *not* people I would want in my life. Period. They continually make poor choices (and their lives reflect that) - they are people with whom I do not want to have coffee, or go shopping with... or really: spend any amount of life's precious time with.
These are people who are a waste of air, in my humble opinion..... so why was I letting them and their lies ruin my life? Further ruin my heart?
Good News people of Blog-Land: I'm Not.
I'm done. I'm not going to live in fear because when *I'm* living fear - the kids are living in fear... and yet, they don't know what they are even afraid of. They are just picking up on my vibes and acting accordingly.
This is *MY* life and these perpetrators of Grand Theft Douchbaggery have stolen enough from me..... or at least that's what I was thinking.... right?
That my life, my love... had all been *stolen* from me.
Now.... I just realize that all they really did was take the garbage out for me.
Sweet...... and frankly, given the fact that El Capitn would *never* take the damn garbage out while we were married, it's entirely fitting that someone had to come along and that for him, too. bwahahahaha.
No really. I'm serious. The Bubbie took the garbage out at my house more than El Capitan ever did. True story.
Having *SAID* that..... those are the feelings of The Ex-Wife. She has had to come full circle - and given El Capitan's constant ... behavior - she has little choice than to feel the way she does. But, like I said.... My Kid's Mother, she still holds out hope that the strong Father who once cared for and played with the children will return. She will continue to maintain that positive thinking so long as the children do. She will go to counseling with the children, she will talk with the children and love the children and show them how they can learn to accept certain traits about all kinds of people in their lives that they do not like, and *still* love that person. She WILL do that... because she wants her children to thrive and be whole and be *happy*. More than 'wants it'.... she DEMANDS it.
For too long I've been trying to make those two very different people become one.... and it just isn't going to work. At least not right now.
The Ex-Wife needs to guard her heart, and start to heal it so she can move forward as a woman in this world. For too long, she had let El Capitan manipulate and further hurt her.... because she thought that that was what she had to do in the 'best interest' of the children.
That's not the case anymore.... it wasn't working. It isn't going to work.
So. These last few weeks have been *very* freeing for me. VERY.
I'm really loving it.... and I'm going to fight to protect it. Fight for *ME* to have the same 'space' and distance that El Capitan has given himself since April 23, 2012.
And you know what..... NOW it'll be good times. Good times for me. Good times for the kids. El Capitan will fit in where and how he likes.... and I will remain supportive of that, and encouraging of that... but I will no longer be worrying about it. That is just so much personal freedom in that!
Yup.... Good times... we're headed for Good Times!
(until I get upset/lied to/etc again... and then I reserve the right to go back to being broken, bitter and angry... just sayin'. :)