Towards the end of our Disney trip I realized that if I got clever with the money - I could hold a little bit back and we could go to The Great Wolf at Christmas. Aside from the water park - they have the Magi-Quest game and there's a night time performance where they make it "snow" in the lobby - which the kids love.
We came last year at Christmas with The Boy's school program, and I wanted to take them back - they love coming here! It's a lot of water slides and walking and stairs for me- but we've had a blast today. I thought they would be all tuckered out... but they are both still away as I type this after midnight!
It's bittersweet.... god, I think I say that too much. Anyhow - it *is* bittersweet because the last trip we took as a family was to The Great Wolf last March. It was only a few weeks before El Capitan hooked up with Yoga Girl and a month or so before I found out. I was sitting down in the table are by the hot tub and I remember sitting across from him and thinking - .... is something wrong?
He used to be so *fun*. We were with Jenny-Jen-Jen and her family El Capitan used to play video games for hours with her kids - rough house with them, go on the water slides. We used to make fun of him (like in a kidding way) because he was always one of the ..... but this time, he just kind of sat there. Annoyed. He seemed distance and I was asking during that time if something was wrong but he always said no. Always.
I want to stand on that wet tile and just stop him. I want to be back in that moment and force him to talk to me - force him to deal with whatever was going on - BEFORE it all went to shit. But.... if this is who he was always meant to be ... then perhaps it's for the best. I'd rather be alone than with someone who treats people the way he treats them now.
We got to our room, the kids were super excited, and the FIRST thing that boy say's when we get inside is:
"I wish Daddy was here........"
which was quickly followed up by: "... but you know... he's probably with his girlfriend..... so, he's not here."
sigh. I asked the counselor about this - because I can't assume he hasn't "learned" that from something I said or something someone else said. She said that while that could be the case - it's also part of how kids compromise. Like - The Girl will take a toy and The Boy will say, "Well... I guess she just doesn't want me to have a turn!"
They think in absolutes - in wholes. So, getting passed over for the girlfriend once, become getting passed over all the time. Which makes total sense.... but - now what? How do I fix that? The counselor asked me what else I could say..... and I didn't really have an answer. Still thinking about that.
Either way... it's a bummer to work so hard, spend *my* money to do something with the kids and have them miss their Father. I get it - and the fact that they miss him breaks my heart.... but - I will admit that it's a tiny bit annoying.
Will they get this when their older? I'm like f*cking busting my ass. I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep a night since November 15th - between the book and regular work and *still* taking them for playdates and to the movies and doing school work.... El Capitan will say ..... "Oh, I work all week... so I can't see the kids until XXX day off.... " because after work is "too much for him".
Really? I work from the *second* get up until bath time, bedtime and the two hours that follow where I spend more of it begging them to go to sleep.... awesome. From that perspective being a single mom blows. hard.
Aside from that...... it's been fun. We've been having a great time and we have a full day at that park tomorrow - then home, for some proofing and laying a program for a play and then printing it.... i'm tired just thinking about it all.
Still now word from El Capitan - which is very out of character. so it makes me nervous. Last time he played coy games I got a nasty letter from his work... because DICK claimed that I "yelled" at him at work. Which I did not. At all. but whatever.... I guess standing outside of a closed bookstore (that you don't work at) while I yell across and entire parking lot - "Did you know who he was sleeping with?" is a reason to claim I harassed you.
Again... it appears being half-a-man is a trait El Capitan not only possesses but seeks out in his friends as well.
MAN. I'm trying to be in a better mood! lololol
I do have to say, I like being here with the kids. It's actually easier to do things like this alone - El Capitan was less than helpful a lot of the time- so, one my own, it's easier - except when they want to be in two different places at the same time - then it's all about compromise and taking turns. We're getting pretty good at that.
The Boy has been doing awesome with swimming - and feeling super proud of himself - so that's really made the whole trip worth it - he's been really slow to warm up to swimming. The Girl - she's a little water slide FIEND. She's allll over that those - and it's just super cute. I love to see them happy - I just hope that these times are enough to make up for the bad times.... only time will tell.
They're such great kids. I just don't want to fail them. I want them to do well and be well - in spite of El Capitan and I. That's why I always get up and try again with him - I don't pull the usual games - you have to call at this time - etc. I make it as flexible as I can - and yet....... he skips out on seeing them.
It's so strange not to hear from him at all. so strange.
Oh - and my Publisher sent along a note for you guys, I'll paste it below!
This is really a message to readers rather than Elle (She and I have exchanged 'just a few' messages over the last few days)
I have JUST finished the final proof read through and it's the first time I'VE actually read it cover to cover as it was intended.
You guys are in for one hell of a ride.
I'll say no more than that. You'll have to buy the book to find out.
Along with the paperback version, there will also be .mobi (for kindle) and .epub (for iPad) One of those 2 versions will also be good for pretty much 99% of e-readers on the market so hopefully no one will complain too bitterly.
No doubt Elle will update you all on actual release dates and places to buy, as and when we can definitely confirm then.
We're a very small indie publisher and to say this has been a challenge (as far as timescales are concerned) would be an understatement. To give you some perspective, we (author and publisher working together) have managed to go from literally a blank page to real finished books in real shops in around about a month. 2 weeks before xmas!! My friend who works for a major publisher tells me finished manuscripts and cover artwork have to be 'signed off' by the end of JULY for a xmas release in big business corporate publishing!!
This is why I love being indie :)
The book is really different from the blog - here I feel like I'm just talking to a friend... like a thousand or friends a day - lololol... but I kept my tone and my same rawness. I wanted it to sound like me - and not someone else. I'm sure it's not a perfect took, but it's mine and i'm glad I wrote it.
I got a lot of perspective on my marriage - but I think it's all pretty apparent in the book so I don't want to talk too much now - spoil it all for you. :)
I just can't shake the feeling that something is coming my way - and it won't be fun. I hate that feeling. I don't know what... may be The Big Box Retailer is going to send me another nasty letter?
Whatever it is..... I feel like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop - I just hope I can get out of the way