Of course....we woke up late - start as you mean to go on - eh? lol.... but we all got up and I had already laid out a dress that The Bubbie had made for The Girl a while ago and she got to wear her red sparkle shoes and off we went.....
When it came time for The Girl to go off with her teacher, The Boy ran after her and gave her one last kiss and cuddle and reminded her that "Caring and Sharing is more fun for everyone....... - and keep your hands to yourself, sister!".
Then he hid behind me and cried. He's a bit of a soft touch, my boy - especialy for his baby sister. He had just as hard of a time letting her go as I did.
His reward for being totallyawesome (yes, I meant to type that as one word... lolol) - was to go to Target and look to see if they had started putting out their Halloween. They had.....
The poor Target employee's were not at all ready for the literal screams and shrieks that came flying at them in the form of a seven year old boy who went batsh*t crazy over a handful of table cloths and a few costumes.... lolol - but The Boy was STOKED.
The day rolled on..... and I started reading all the blog comments as they came in. Mercy.... you are too sweet - and it got me thinking...... (here's the dangerous part) - what if I put some questions on here and some of you kids - grown up and otherwise - who lived through this can tell me what *you* wanted to hear when you were in my kids shoes? Or... what didn't you want to hear? What helped? What made it worse?
Like - I understand about not talking about things in front of The Boy - BUT - he's smart.... he knows that Daddy doesn't live with us and chooses to live with someone else. So he *assumes* that Daddy wants to be with someone else over him..... what the hell do I do about that?
So.... here goes, here are a few questions I would REALLY like some answers to:
ONE: The other day, The Girl was talking about going to the Zoo and out to lunch with Daddy - and I said, "yes, you have so much fun there...." and then The Boy said: "Yeah - but Daddy doesn't buy us anything when we're there". So *I* said: "Well, you know that Mommy and Daddy are both low on pennies right now,,,,,,," And The Boy said: "No, I bet Daddy just saves all his pennies to spend them on his new girlfriend."
Now - I *know* that The Boy DID NOT hear this from me - because I'm well aware that El Capitan and I are both pretty broke - so unless he's getting his "magic Mike" on - he doesn't have money to spend on Yoga Girl.....
But - the issue is more than The Boy is processing that someone else other than US is important to his Dad - and HOW do I answer/respond to that?
TWO: What do I say when they ask me...... "Does Daddy still love us.......?"
THREE: I read a lot of kids say - "My Mom protected me from XXXXXXXXX - or from knowing XXXXXXX" - how the hell did she DO THAT? Honestly...... lololol.
For instance: They saw their Dad and I went to pick them up and The Girl FLIP.PED out. Totally. She was crying for her Dad to stay - saying she wanted to stay with him.... and eventually when he left and she was crying The Boy told her to stop crying - that Daddy doesn't want to live with us anymore, that he wants to live with his girlfriend.
WHAT DO I DO? The Boy seems to fully understand that Daddy has *chosen* to live with someone else. Which, The Boy seems to think is because Daddy either loves the girlfriend more - or just wants to live with his girlfriend more than he wants to live with The Boy.
What do I do? How do I ...... how do I make that better? I don't care if it's true or if El Capitan just let this whole situation get away from itself and now regrets Yoga Girl (which is what he's said recently) - I fully understand *why* The Boy feels this way - BUT.... how can I heal that? How can I help that?
FOUR: Allllll the books talk about how it's important not to say anything negative about your ex because your child knows they are half you and half your ex - so when you insult your ex, you are insutling your child. IS THAT TRUE? If your Mom/Dad is a big fattydouche - and you grow up living through the lies and the let downs - did anyone else's commentary on that affect you?
FIVE: The Boy is seriously pissed at Yoga Girl. On the one hand, I *fought* him knowing *why* Daddy was leaving and we were getting a divorce.... but - it truly seemed like once he understood that there was a girlfriend involved - it kind of helped The Boy..... like he was able to process the blame on two people better than just on his Dad...... I want to support his *feelings* about Yoga Girl - BUT - and this is a HUGE BUT - I don't want to influence them or exagerate them - because while I'm fairly sure Yoga Girl isn't going to stick around long term.... *some one else* eventually will. I'm very aware that one day they *will* most likely have a step-mother - and I want The Boy to be able to have a healthy relationhip with her - whoever she is. So, how do I help him process his feelings ABOUT Yoga Girl without him assigning them to any woman their Dad is with?
I mean..... I sure as sh*t don't *want* them to have a step mother.... however, no kid ever died because they had too many parents to love them.... right? A healthy step-mother would be a good thing to have.
SIX: Right now .... things are tough. Emotions are high on all sides and I sure as hell don't trust El Capitan - and I'm not sure the kids to either.... BUT - I like to think that this period of mistrust and bad choices is going to pass and an El Capitan of days gone by will return.... HOW do I help the kids deal with and process his actions WHILE AT THE SAME TIME - helping them leave that door open emotionally for when El Capitan is making good choices......?
So...... lastly: Even if TOTALLY ANNONYMOUSLY.... would you share the thing your Mom or Dad did that was totally wrong? What was the hardest thing they did that made everything harder on you - being the kid?
See.... right after I announced our intent to divorce, I got an email from a client. They had parents who divorced, but it was drawn out, there was a lot of fighting and coming and going.... and coming and going and going and going - and it was very hard on this person as child.
I read their heartfelt email and made my choice to end things right then and there. I *knew* I was in BIG trouble when Yoga Girl told me over text (when she thought I was El Capitan) - "Why are you bringing up the kids now.... they never mattered before?" - this was in response to "my having hesitation about going to her house to f*ck her again....
I realised that bigger things were at play -more than El Capitan was willing to tell me at the time. I figured it was a better bet to get the kids removed from the situation as much as I could - getting divorced seemed like the safest bet for them. As it stands..... like the four months since this happened - they have one seen..... 6 or 7 arguments between El Capitan and I ..... including the night I found out about her to begin with. And of those - they have only been "present" for 4 or 5 because my parents took them away for two of them.
I like to think that's pretty good.......? At least I hope it is. It's not enough to shield them completely.... but it's better than every night and every day and all the time..... so I hope that helps them.
OK..... I hope a few of you will repsond. There are a lot of parents in my shoes wondering the same things I am... I'm sure of it.
I'm off to snuggle the two best kids I could ever have..... I'm all in. Swimming, drowning... along - whatever, I'm all in and I'm hoping to hear some great thoughts so that I can apply those experiences - the good and the bad - for sake of those two babies..... I think books are great. I think counseling is great. But there's a reason you don't hire a plumber to dye your hair.... If exper