Feelin' a Bit Dangerous Tonight.....

9/7/2012

Today was The Girl's *first* day of preschool.

Of course....we woke up late - start as you mean to go on - eh? lol.... but we all got up and I had already laid out a dress that The Bubbie had made for The Girl a while ago and she got to wear her red sparkle shoes and off we went.....

When it came time for The Girl to go off with her teacher, The Boy ran after her and gave her one last kiss and cuddle and reminded her that "Caring and Sharing is more fun for everyone....... - and keep your hands to yourself, sister!".

Then he hid behind me and cried. He's a bit of a soft touch, my boy - especialy for his baby sister. He had just as hard of a time letting her go as I did.

His reward for being totallyawesome (yes, I meant to type that as one word... lolol) - was to go to Target and look to see if they had started putting out their Halloween. They had.....

The poor Target employee's were not at all ready for the literal screams and shrieks that came flying at them in the form of a seven year old boy who went batsh*t crazy over a handful of table cloths and a few costumes.... lolol - but The Boy was STOKED.

The day rolled on..... and I started reading all the blog comments as they came in. Mercy.... you are too sweet - and it got me thinking...... (here's the dangerous part) - what if I put some questions on here and some of you kids - grown up and otherwise - who lived through this can tell me what *you* wanted to hear when you were in my kids shoes? Or... what didn't you want to hear? What helped? What made it worse?

Like - I understand about not talking about things in front of The Boy - BUT - he's smart.... he knows that Daddy doesn't live with us and chooses to live with someone else. So he *assumes* that Daddy wants to be with someone else over him..... what the hell do I do about that?

So.... here goes, here are a few questions I would REALLY like some answers to:

ONE:   The other day, The Girl was talking about going to the Zoo and out to lunch with Daddy - and I said, "yes, you have so much fun there...." and then The Boy said: "Yeah - but Daddy doesn't buy us anything when we're there".   So *I* said: "Well, you know that Mommy and Daddy are both low on pennies right now,,,,,,," And The Boy said: "No, I bet Daddy just saves all his pennies to spend them on his new girlfriend."

Now - I *know* that The Boy DID NOT hear this from me - because I'm well aware that El Capitan and I are both pretty broke - so unless he's getting his "magic Mike" on - he doesn't have money to spend on Yoga Girl.....

But - the issue is more than The Boy is processing that someone else other than US is important to his Dad - and HOW do I answer/respond to that?

TWO: What do I say when they ask me...... "Does Daddy still love us.......?"

THREE: I read a lot of kids say - "My Mom protected me from XXXXXXXXX - or from knowing XXXXXXX" - how the hell did she DO THAT? Honestly...... lololol.

For instance: They saw their Dad and I went to pick them up and The Girl FLIP.PED out. Totally.   She was crying for her Dad to stay - saying she wanted to stay with him.... and eventually when he left and she was crying The Boy told her to stop crying - that Daddy doesn't want to live with us anymore, that he wants to live with his girlfriend.

WHAT DO I DO? The Boy seems to fully understand that Daddy has *chosen* to live with someone else. Which, The Boy seems to think is because Daddy either loves the girlfriend more - or just wants to live with his girlfriend more than he wants to live with The Boy.

What do I do? How do I ...... how do I make that better? I don't care if it's true or if El Capitan just let this whole situation get away from itself and now regrets Yoga Girl (which is what he's said recently) - I fully understand *why* The Boy feels this way - BUT.... how can I heal that? How can I help that?

FOUR: Allllll the books talk about how it's important not to say anything negative about your ex because your child knows they are half you and half your ex - so when you insult your ex, you are insutling your child. IS THAT TRUE? If your Mom/Dad is a big fattydouche - and you grow up living through the lies and the let downs - did anyone else's commentary on that affect you?

FIVE:   The Boy is seriously pissed at Yoga Girl. On the one hand, I *fought* him knowing *why* Daddy was leaving and we were getting a divorce.... but - it truly seemed like once he understood that there was a girlfriend involved - it kind of helped The Boy..... like he was able to process the blame on two people better than just on his Dad...... I want to support his *feelings* about Yoga Girl - BUT - and this is a HUGE BUT - I don't want to influence them or exagerate them - because while I'm fairly sure Yoga Girl isn't going to stick around long term.... *some one else* eventually will. I'm very aware that one day they *will* most likely have a step-mother - and I want The Boy to be able to have a healthy relationhip with her - whoever she is. So, how do I help him process his feelings ABOUT Yoga Girl without him assigning them to any woman their Dad is with?

I mean..... I sure as sh*t don't *want* them to have a step mother.... however, no kid ever died because they had too many parents to love them.... right? A healthy step-mother would be a good thing to have.

SIX: Right now .... things are tough. Emotions are high on all sides and I sure as hell don't trust El Capitan - and I'm not sure the kids to either.... BUT - I like to think that this period of mistrust and bad choices is going to pass and an El Capitan of days gone by will return.... HOW do I help the kids deal with and process his actions WHILE AT THE SAME TIME - helping them leave that door open emotionally for when El Capitan is making good choices......?

So...... lastly: Even if TOTALLY ANNONYMOUSLY.... would you share the thing your Mom or Dad did that was totally wrong? What was the hardest thing they did that made everything harder on you - being the kid?

See.... right after I announced our intent to divorce, I got an email from a client. They had parents who divorced, but it was drawn out, there was a lot of fighting and coming and going.... and coming and going and going and going - and it was very hard on this person as child.

I read their heartfelt email and made my choice to end things right then and there. I *knew* I was in BIG trouble when Yoga Girl told me over text (when she thought I was El Capitan) - "Why are you bringing up the kids now.... they never mattered before?"   - this was in response to "my having hesitation about going to her house to f*ck her again....

I realised that bigger things were at play -more than El Capitan was willing to tell me at the time. I figured it was a better bet to get the kids removed from the situation as much as I could - getting divorced seemed like the safest bet for them. As it stands..... like the four months since this happened - they have one seen..... 6 or 7 arguments between El Capitan and I ..... including the night I found out about her to begin with. And of those - they have only been "present" for 4 or 5 because my parents took them away for two of them.

I like to think that's pretty good.......? At least I hope it is. It's not enough to shield them completely.... but it's better than every night and every day and all the time..... so I hope that helps them.

OK..... I hope a few of you will repsond. There are a lot of parents in my shoes wondering the same things I am... I'm sure of it.

I'm off to snuggle the two best kids I could ever have..... I'm all in. Swimming, drowning... along - whatever, I'm all in and I'm hoping to hear some great thoughts so that I can apply those experiences - the good and the bad - for sake of those two babies..... I think books are great. I think counseling is great. But there's a reason you don't hire a plumber to dye your hair.... If exper

8 Comments

Ashley

9/7/2012 07:11:09

So my story may not be super helpful to you because I was 15 when my mother began sneaking around behind my father's back, but I can shed some light on how it affected my then 7 year old brother. It's been ten years now, and unfortunately me being older has left me with still zero chance of ever having a true mother-daughter relationship with my mom. I was fortunate enough to not be bounced back and forth between the two houses because I was 15 and would not have anything to do with the man my mother chose over our family, but my brother didn't have that luxury. And us being so far apart in age and me knowing EVERY detail of the affair (my mom was dumb enough to ask me to delete her emails, like I wouldn't read them) it caused huge fights between me and my brother. My mom eventually started to play the victim card and tried to make as many people as she could believe that my dad was controlling and she just couldn't live like that anymore. (Even though the truth was that my mom wore the pants in the relationship and didn't so much as let my dad have an allowance because she made more money, handled the bills, and packed his lunch so why did he need money?) So the obvious way out was to rip your family apart and cheat right? But somehow she got my 7 year old brother to believe that her boyfriend (while still married) had always been just a friend. Even though when she moved out of our house, she moved right in with him. My mom knew she couldn't sway me so just told everyone i was brainwashed by my dad, yada yada yada. I'm 25 and she still will claim this if its ever brought up, clearly I have no mind of my own. But my brother continued for at least 9 years to go back and forth between houses. And this is where it gets good: She will let him do ANYTHING on god's green earth, because he's the only kid that gives her attention and she doesn't want to lose that. He is 17 and she has already bought him two cars. This child is the most spoiled entitled 17 year old you have ever met, all because she literally buys his love. I would love to ask him one on one someday how it really affected him, and how he feels now. But at the moment he lives with my dad full time, and just lets my mom buy him stuff all the time. He will also go back to my mom any time my dad says no about something, because she will always say yes. So I guess in my ramblings, I hate the fact that my dad was so good at trying to co-parent and my mom just wanted to be my brother's best friend, the "cool" parent. And still does. So now my dad doesn't want to feel like the bad parent, and I feel like I'm the only one that will tell my brother like it is. I feel like his parent. The only good thing I can say is that my mom never bad mouthed my dad to me, (unless we were in the midst of a huge fight, which happens about once a year and we don't speak for extended periods of time) but i know she did to my brother. Seeing all this written out makes me realize no matter what age you are when your parents get divorced, you probably should have some sort of therapy! Since your son is the same age as my brother was, and what you right about him I feel like he will be way more adjusted then my brother. My brother just learned how to reap the benefits as quickly and as often as possible, where your son just sounds too caring for that! Having divorced parents is something we have to deal with the rest of our lives, but we can go on and be good people! I will say though, my mom is still with that man and i will never refer to him as my step dad, ever. But I have a great relationship with my stepmom and I gained two great stepsisters from it! I'm really glad for that part, plus my dad is my best friend STILL! So hopefully I haven't scared you with my clear bitterness, but I was so much older and knew too much. But I had to share with you because I've been reading all your blogs, and I'm a teacher now and had a 15 year old girl come up to me today saying she thinks her parents are getting divorced. I can just relate to all this so much! Your kids will get through this I promise! And so will you, my dad did! I know this is terribly long, so I hope you got to read it but you don't have to feel obligated to post it! Good luck!!

emma

9/7/2012 08:31:14

if they ask if their daddy loves them the answer is yes. Because as much as a douche as he is i'm sure he does love them. and even if he didn't they don't need to know that.

My parents would use us kids as pawns and fill our heads with crap about each other basically using us as messengers between them without an actual specific message. Don't do that.. it sucked

I have a 7 year old boy now... and he is smart. I know he would be angry in this situation like your boy is. I think it's ok for him to be angry. when he brings him up acknowledge his feelings. Say I see you are angry/sad/hurt and so am I your daddy does love you. As for not living with him try to explain that it isn't that daddy doesn't want to live with him, it's that mommy and daddy are no longer together, and (in all honesty) daddy no longer wants to live with me. Tell him you need to live with him and his sister, ergo daddy can not live with you (at least right now) . I think if you leave it open to the fact that one day he may live with both of you seperatley that might be good. ie, really el douchebag should find a place and have a room for the kids, even if it's bunkbeds. then they technically do have a space to live with daddy... i mean they should be doing overnights with him too. MAybe not yet, but i wouldn't drag that out too long either. Ideally you could share kids 50/50 but with work etc that might not happen as it is now it seems that they live with you, but do not live with him. Stress this is temporary and one day they will be extra special and have TWO homes. El capitan should find a way to make them feel at home with him even for short periods. Both of you can stress that this seperation is about him and you (don't mention yoga witch) not about them. Does that help?

Tiffany link

9/7/2012 08:46:42

I've been following your story for a bit but never commented before so... hi! Anyway, I was small when my parents divorced (like maybe 2) but I did have to deal with the fall out of my father being less than present, less than... there. Reading your questions reminded me of a conevrsation I had with my mother recently (I'm 33 BTW) where she wanted to know if there was anything SHE had done to influence my relationship with my father (of which there is none - long story longer). There were two things that stood out so I'll share them with you, as I shared them with her, and probably I'll be the only person with this opinion but... It was the truth.

#1 - my mom never, ever, showed me that things were hard. Even when I KNEW they were. Its okay for kids to see that mom is hurting or that she's tired/frustrated/angry. Seriously, I felt like there was something tragically wrong with me for being mad at my father - and mad is a perfectly normal feeling for a young/teenaged girl - because my mom was always so... accepting (seemingly). I think the key is to explain the difference between being angry about something someone DID rather than being mad at THEM just in general. Does that make sense? LOL Also? How freaking annoyed was I when I reached my 30's and realized that no, in fact, grown-ups don't have all their sh*t perfectly together and figured out!

#2 - my mom tried to force a relationship between my father and me because she (I think) felt guilty that there wasn't one organically. This made things SO MUCH WORSE. You can't force it - you know? They're young so they'll still have the childhood rose-colored glasses on when it comes to dad but you can't make them have a relationship with the man unless they BOTH want it. Trust me, kids know when they're hanging out with dad because its "his turn" and he'd really rather be someplace else.

Sorry for being so long winded - its just funny that I seriously JUST had this conversation with my mom... Truth be told I think you're doing a fabulous job with all this. Way better than I would have done I think... I'm more prone to copious wine drinking myself. And I think I would have TOTALLY outed them both too - careers and reputations be dam*ed! LOL

Melissa

9/10/2012 07:40:54

#1 - No response needed from you.
#2 - The answer should always be "yes" because it's true.
#3 - Repeat that you both love them.
#5 - I think your son is mad at Yoga Girl and NOT at his dad...and sometimes I think you are, too. But ultimately, it's El C who did this---he made the decisions he made. He deserves all the blame and anger. She will be out of the picture in no time.
#6 - You can't control this.

Alesha

9/10/2012 13:13:20

One of the questions you asked was, how do you make it better for the kids with them knowing or feeling that dad loves yoga girl more. Answer: (you're smart, I'm sure you already know this, but just gonna say it anyway) You can't. Only he can. All you can do is be their mom. Dry their tears and let the kiddos know they have you and you love them more than anything or anybody. This is El Capitain's mess. And unfortanately for your sweet babies they pay a hefty price for his selfishness. I get it he loves the children, I'm sure he does, but he needs to step up and give them reassurance. Not you. Don't stick up for that dirtbag not even to your kids. If El Capitain loves them more than himself (which seems a bit of a stretch) then he'll work it out. For now you just keep kleenex handy and your arms wide open for your babies.

Mercy

9/10/2012 13:16:02

Hello, sorry for my delayed response. I just want to tell you a little bit about my self. I was born in Ecuador. I am the third child from five and we moved here to the US when I was 4 years old. I lived with both my parents for many years but I can’t tell you that ALL the years where great constant arguments hurt. Even as a child I noticed how different my father was towards my mom, not like you see in movies. He left us and it wasn’t so much as a huge surprise because he had already been going away almost every weekend or more to see that other woman (she actually was the same age as my sister and she is 5 years older then me…so imagine how weird that was) but claiming he was going away “on business”. So he left my mom with 5 kids to raise all on her own. He would come around whenever he had the time, which was not very often. Like I had told you I was Daddy’s girl so that hurt A LOT, but as young as I was it was time for me to stop falling for all his lies and excuses and random negative things he would say about my mom it just was not going to happen anymore because I could see what was going on and he was wrong for abandoning us. (So I completely understand what The Boy says when he assumes that she is the reason their dad doesn’t live with them or buy them things.) He never loved my oldest sister and would constantly say mean things to her because she was a Mommy’s girl and of course much more aware of the real circumstances that took place. As years passed we saw even less of him and it finally ended when he called me one day to tell me that he really wanted me to meet a new sister. I told him I don’t have one and I hung up. I know she was not at fault but that’s how I felt and he only seemed to care for what HE wanted and it doesn’t work that way. You are doing a great job by always being there for your kiddos because that is where they are going to learn that you are their best friend, confidant and of course mom and they trust you. I am 30 years old, I got married 3 years ago and my husband also comes from a divorced family. He had a step-mother so our stories a bit different. We are stronger because of this life experience and we want the complete opposite of what we went through.

Now for your questions:
ONE: I would continue to validate THE BOY’S feelings when he processes that there is someone else that Dad cares more about, because it is better not to hide it completely. Of course I know you will not add wood to the fire, and so remind him that YOU love him/them and that Dad does too but he seems to not realize what he is missing out by not living with you guys. Not that you have to make excuses for El Capitan but for the sake of your son’s feelings. My mom never said negative things about him and actually wanted us to spend time with him. However, when he didn’t want to invest in our relationship anymore. What I had though all along was not too far from the truth that I already knew. He wanted a new family a new life. That was his loss is how I saw it.

TWO: Yes, Daddy still loves you. Things have changed but his love for you is still there. In my case that is what my mom would tell me, and it was a great reminder but see that is you doing your part – It is up to El Capitan to do the rest to show them that he does. And by giving them valuable time is the way he is going to accomplish that. And the reason I say valuable time as opposed to just time is because he should give them his FULL attention not texting Yoga Girl and answering ‘uhu’ while only half listening. One to whatever amount of hours of time he gives to them is nothing compared to what you do every single day for them. When we went out with our so called father it was not enjoyable time with him at all except for we at least were able to eat out or get some new toys since mom was unable to provide the fun stuff because she had to provide the essentials.

THREE: Again validate because The boy is not wrong in what he is saying because other wise El Capitan would not have done what he did. You can not make it seem like what THE BOY is saying is gibberish but maybe tell him that is what dad choose and it hurts us but it will get better and I will always be here for you. More then anything encourage l The Boy express everything and anything he is feeling. That is how you can help the healing part will come at it’s time and even more as El Capitan does his part.

FOUR: No when you insult your ex it is him your insulting not your child.
Way in the beginning when I though my father did nothing wrong and heard some relatives say mean things about him it did affect me as in I was sad that people would say those mean things because I did not know that he was really the culprit.
Then when they finally separated my father would say mean things about my mom I would tell him that I did not want

Mercy

9/11/2012 07:56:09

to hear him say those things anymore. The reason it hurt was because I love my mom and nobody wants to hear mean things about the person you love. Then he eventually stopped as he saw that it bothered me and his mean words meant nothing. But for sure try not saying negative things about El Capitan while they are around, even if you are extremely mad. Trust me we figure it out all on our own. And your son is VERY Smart! I actually felt so stupid that I could have fallen for all his (father) lies when I finally saw the truth. I would have much rather figure it out move earlier then wasting tears and sadness on him.

FIVE: It is better he knows it is because of Yoga Girl then it is just Dad’s doing. Not that he has to hate her, but for know he is upset and that is perfectly okay. And you need to help him little by little as your hurt goes away too, that this is a new chapter in all of your lives. Like you said Yoga Girl might not be long term but someone else will be, and when it gets to that point your kids will have already learned a lot more. I never had a step-father my mom would not tolerate the idea of a new man trying to take the place of a father and yelling or hitting us, or actually more so the scary stories you hear when they take advantage of the daughters that was her biggest fear. She preferred to do the Mom and Dad role all on her own to protect us. I never let him try to make me have a relationship with his new wife, he did try but I would not allow it because in my mind she would never be a step-mother for me.

SIX: To help the kids deal keep reminding them that Dad and you love them very much. And that the choices Dad took hurt you all but tell them that a time will come when things will change again. I know you don’t cry all the time around them but it is okay for them to know that you are also hurt and tell them that when Dad realizes what a bad choice he did things will change again. Like maybe he will take them out more, visit more, have a room for them at his own place – some things will change again. And whatever happens we are going through this together. This way the doors is open if El Capitan realizes, but then again if he doesn’t they know they still have YOU.

The hardest thing they did was fighting/arguing in front of us. To the point that one-day he got physical. Don’t let them see or hear arguments at least try. For now it will be difficult to talk and co-parent in good terms because of the hurt inside. Saying negative/mean/rude things against each other is a huge NO, but more so don’t play the tell your dad this and then tell your mom I said …. this game - they should never be the middle man. Actually what ended up happing at the end was that they just stopped talking to each other and that just made it worst! You do a wonderful job by telling El Capitan anything and everything that happens to them. You are doing your part and it is up to him to do his, show up to school meetings, show up to remind your kids that you still love them and that will help the situation. I think it would be easier if both parents sat down and told us the real situation no reason to sugar coat his flaw, because eventually I figured it out and it would have saved anger and resentment. Explain that you wanted to live together forever but it did not work out and therefore we have to make the best of this new chapter.

Yes it does help! It was really a lot better to remove the kids from living together with El Capitan then living miserably, hurt, and hearing constant arguments and screams. Just by doing that it will take a load off of them. It cannot always be helped all the time but try, but more importantly Snuggle away! :D When I stopped having a so-called earthly father I was not alone because I had my Mom, siblings and my Heavenly Father and knowing that I am a daughter of God provided me true happiness.

Stacy

9/10/2012 18:14:41

Hi! I saw your story while floating around the Internet and I'm prone to doing with stories like this, had to know more. So I've been searching around your blog and just wanted to say how much I admire you. I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice... We never had much money but my parents gave me the best blessing they ever could have - working very hard to stay in a happy marriage. Obviously your husband was not up to the challenge, and I'm so sorry that you and your kids had to suffer as a result. I admire you because you are maintaining SUCH a positive attitude, but also being honest about how painful it is and what unfamiliar territory it is. I'm not married yet, and have no idea how I'll handle that... it's even more unfathomable to imagine how I would handle being divorced with two kids. Stay strong and know that you have a lot of people rooting for you.

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