Like last time - there's no shortage of people reminding me that I'm fat (which is lucky because being overweight also affects my vision and every *I* look in a mirror I only see me as a nice, perky size 10... I'm soooo glad so many kind, articulate people stepped up to tell me otherwise. phew.) - BUT.... there are also some *really* nice emails.
I appreciate those more than you know.
I'm really excited for the book signing - looks like a few people might be there - which is good... I was a bit worried no one would come.... imagine how awful that would be?
Anyhow..... I don't usually blog on Friday nights, but I wanted to post a lovely email sent in - just to show the 'haters' why I write The Blog and why I wrote The Book. It's very humbling to think that I "help' even one person... but this isn't the only email that say's something similar to this. It's really, really amazing - and I'm so grateful to think that someone feels this way about me. Truly, so grateful.
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for writing your blog with such a commitment to real emotion. I'm an English teacher by day, closet writer by night, and I tell you the truth when I say that you have a real talent and gift for the written word. I find myself thinking of you on a daily basis, and living your journey as I would live it with a close friend. If I met you on the street, I would feel compelled to hug you and take you for a glass of wine somewhere - which would be very weird to you since you have no idea who I am. lolol
I want you to know that your words are doing more than chronicling your own journey; they are a beacon and a guide to those who travel with you, and those who who will travel after you on the same path. It is so healthy to not only *have* the emotions you have, but to have them in the pattern you have them; I can almost see the 5 stages of grief as you write.
One last thing. If I could give you any words of hope at all, I would tell you that they day is coming when your pain will be less. It took me most of my 38 years to get there, but forgiveness is huge. I used to think that forgiving meant I absolved the wrong-doers of the wrong. It doesn't. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, it has absolutely nothing to do with El Capitan. When you forgive his weakness, you do not say you *accept* what he did. You just choose not to be a prisoner to it anymore. You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I spent many years *ANGRY* (long story, I'll tell you over wine sometime...haha) and when I "forgave" I felt an enormous peace. The evil-doers don't even know I forgave them...I'm not on speaking terms with him anyway. I just let go of it all because it was tearing me up inside. And when you get there (and someday you WILL get there) you will feel whole and you will feel rested and you will feel peace. You will.
I'm rooting for you, all the way from southern Minnesota. I wish you every good thing.
Love to you,
I'm so blessed in all of this that not only does someone *feel* this way about me... but they were kind enough to write me and tell me.
I have lots of feelings... most of the time, they are kind of sh*tty feelings - I think we can all see that. So, when someone steps up and shares such an insight, then.... it helps chip away at the sh*tty.
I'm not sure I'm ready for "forgiveness" just yet.... I won't rule it out, I won't say that it'll never happen. Of course, I want to live a full life and I know that I won't be able to do that if my heart is hard and my mind is set on anger and disdain.... but that's something it's going to take a *long* time to chip away at.
At least... .it's looking that way right now. We'll see.
In the mean time - life is good. The Boy got a flu shot today - he was pretty brave... then I got my flu shot - and he held my hand and told me not to "be too scared" - then he pulled up the sleeve of my shirt pinched me *really* hard and lovingly said, "see, it'll feel like that". lololol
The kids and I hit the gym (which they *love* going to because they like playing with the other kids on the big play structure) - and today I topped out at 7 miles. SEVEN MILES!!!!!! Which brings my ENTIRE total for the week to a whopping 29 miles.... which isn't too shabby for my first week back at the gym in... well - a *very* long time.
Then I took the kids for ice-cream (and I didn't get any!) - then for pizza (I had a salad) and then we came home, ate and finished the night with a board game.
I'd say that's a pretty fantastic end to a great week.... oh, except then I went to see Breaking Dawn part II for the 13th time. lololol
Now *that* was a FANTASTIC end to a great Friday.
ps. for those following the last three weeks..... El Capitan finally got a "burner phone" and he'll be seeing the kids tomorrow.... 24 days. 24 days. I hope it goes well... but after such a long break, I'm a bit worried about how the kids will feel.... hopefully it'll be good and they'll feel good and not emotional..... fingers crossed.