Being the only person in the room who ever got pregnant (the "natural" way, even) - we had lots to talk about.... and it kind of made me wish I *could* have another baby..... I never thought I would regret tying my tubes, but I totally do.....
Came home to find the kids still awake and driving The Bubbie nuts... so *I* go in there to snuggle them and tell them that it's time for them to go to bed - and they ask for Hail Mary to come in.
So.... I came out and sent in Hail Mary who doled out the appropriate hugs and a friendly warning about going to bed.... and *then* to my surprise, when they *still* weren't settling down - Hail Mary went back in there to give them a stern (but appropriate) warning about having to go to bed.
For a second, it caught me off guard. She just kind of .... naturally takes on a kind of responsibility for them - for their care and well-being and behavior. In a weird way, it's almost like she's always been around - like an Aunt or a Godmother or longtime friend.... and not as a 'new edition' to things.
Crazy awesome for sure.... but still: crazy.
When I first came out, lots of my lesbian friends warned me that I would (eventually) lose most of my 'straight' friends.... I told them - no way! All my friends are so supportive and um.... fanf*ckingtastic! I would never want to lose them..... but the truth is - I kind of am.
They are all in their safe and secure Mommy-worlds - and I once knew that world - obsessed with the latest and greatest party decor on Pintrest and carpooling and whatever.... but, that was when I had *time* to do those things all day long. Now I'm a single Mom juggling work and kids and schooling - and my free time for 'pinning things' is at an all-time low. It's less of a lesbian thing - and more of a 'working single mommy' thing.
However, my night life has changed considerably and I will admit.... a few friends have voiced their... 'concern' about that. Up until Hail Mary, I went out..... a lot. And... to be frank - a lot might be an understatement. lololol
Portland is a *great* town to be gay in.... there is literally a show, a concert, an event, a nightclub - that can be gone to every single night of the week. The community here has been great and welcoming and wonderful - so I'm never at a shortage of people to go with, or people I know will be at this place or that.
So, once the kids go down (and yes, sometimes earlier) - I head out for the evening and usually come home around midnight... or later if I'm giving people rides home. The thing is... I have to rebuild my life. I have to make new friends and find people who I might be interested in dating... and to be frank: I'm not going to find that going to the latest Thirty-One party.... right?
So, to some extent it's a 'gay thing'. Building this new life and a new social circle is rough - but the truth is, I would have HAD to do it if I were still going to date men. It's a bad, bad, bad idea to date all the 'single' men that your friends are friends with - because if/when it doesn't work out, then people feel awkward about have you both over for the next BBQ or whatever....
It's better to start over, to start fresh and make new 'single' friends and find your own dates.... either way, I'd be going out a lot to make that happen.
And, I *do* try to be understanding.... but some people have been kind of nasty with their comments - and a little too judgmental (imho). I suppose it's to be expected - not only am I the only person (that they *know* of) who is a "late in life lesbian".... BUT - I'm also the first and ONLY person to get divorced among my mommy friends..... I can't really expect people to understand what it takes to start over and *really* get started and get moving..... and then a very mean part of me always thinks: Yeah... go ahead and judge me, but I'll be the one you're coming to for advice when your sh*tty marriage comes to a screeching halt. lololol
That sounds harsh, but according to current statistics, nearly half of all my currently married friends will wind up divorced..... so it's safe to assume that a few of them will one day be wearing my dancing shoes. They of course, will just be wearing them for men.
At the same time though, I do sit back and look at the current direction and state of my life. I'm trying to figure out schooling and a full-time job, and I'll be honest and say that I've gotten used to being able to go out any night of the week. I've gotten used to having late night dinners at trendy places in PDX and lining up for ice-cream at The Salt and Straw for an hour. All while keeping my family life separate and mostly during the daytime.....
However, things are different with Hail Mary. I'm spending most of my time with her and a good portion of *that* time is now being spent with her, myself and the kids..... and it occurred to me over the weekend that things are going well.... *really* well. Kind of scary well.
There's a joke in the lesbian community:
What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A: a uhaul.
Hence the term - 'uhaulin'. As in - "Betty is busy uhauling Jessica, that's why we never see them."
There's this kind of lesbian 'urge to merge' that gets hotly debated and acknowledged in our community. Most of us try to fight it - fight against the urge to merge and against the uhaul stereotype. Mia and I have discussed this at length (while we were both single)- and Mia felt very strongly that lesbians typically move fast because that's just the way girls are - we see something, we like, we tend to fall fast and hard - and we don't waste time moving on.... and she has a point.
While Hail Mary hasn't parked a uhaul outside the house just yet.... I do kind of get the feeling that we're headed that direction and that perhaps..... just perhaps: a uhaul isn't as far ahead in my future as I thought it might be. There are *a lot * of emotions associated with that... for sure. However, I've been caught off guard a little by my ..... not resistance - but it's weird to think about giving up all the freedom I currently have and kind of 'go back' to that life.... go back to cooking dinner every night and being with just one person all the time.... that's kind of scary as f*ck.
I mean.... it all went to sh*t last time. I put everything I had into my marriage - I looked forward *every* single day to El Capitan coming home..... we are *HOME.* BODIES. to an extreme.....and I loved it. I never really 'went out'. I didn't go out on long weekends 'with the girls' or whatever.... I loved being a Mom and being *at home*.
It's crazy to think about going back into that world.... back into a place where I cook dinner every night and I'm *the* Mom.... and stuff. Now... don't all of you go and panic.... lolol. I'm just doing that things that girls do - and I'm thinking about things. Just thinking about how our future might look and how *my* future might look..... it's crazy to really think about all the changes that we've made as a family and as individuals in this family and how much we've come through....
Mostly, I'm really grateful that I've created a place for the children where they feel confident in *our* relationship and are willing to open themselves up another person.... perhaps I should take a page out of their book and do the same.....