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Excuse Me, Is That a Banana In Your Pocket.....?

6/18/2013

7 Comments

 
This has kind of gotten allllll out of order.  I was trying - after my post where I came out - to *explain* how this all came to be… my feelings, El Capitan's response, etc…. but emails and comments and messages flooded in - and we still have "regular" life going on…… so in an effort to answer questions, etc, we've gotten alllll out of whack.

I will go back to finishing my …. journey?  life?  Experience as a gay child/teen/woman, and endeavor to explain *why* I felt the way I did - and why I chose the things I chose - and NOT because I owe anyone anything….. but because I *know* for a fact I'm not the only person who grew up this way - but I *hope* that I'm one of the last generation of gays who grows up this way.

I get a lot of email and questions about why I didn't come out on The Blog when I came out to my friends and family…. in the first place, and I say this with love - I am entitled to some privacy.  This is a *huge* personal step for me to take - and it was my right to take that step in private.   Additionally, when someone "comes out" - there is also a coming out period for that persons family and friends - and I needed to honor that and allow my family and friends the privacy to come out with me.

And yes….. El Capitan and La Novia *both* felt that I should not publish anything on The Blog.  Last time - none of us were expecting, nor inviting, the media storm that followed the sign.  *THIS* time, however, all three of were concerned about what (if any) media storm might occur if the country's "most famous scorned woman" (according to certain news outlets) - discovered that I was living as a lesbian.  Remember that thing I wrote about giving La Novia a *say* in our family…..?  Well:  I meant it.

There were also concerns about safety.  I posted the story about Brandon Teena (if you didn't read it - at least watch the movie….. seriously), but most of us think that safety in the LGBTQ community isn't a real concern…. well:  it is.

In an unrelated event, the day after I ended things with Carhartt she was assaulted in a parking lot.  Because there is an on-going legal investigation where charges have been filed, I have to very careful about what I write….. but here is the story:

I was honest when I said that Carhartt looks…. like Carhartt.  She wears Carhartt pants and shirts, she works in a place where only men work - so much so, there is NO women's bathroom for her to use.  Yes… that's true.

She keeps her hair short and wears boys trucker hats.  She wears big ole' work boots and no make up.  She *likes* being a she…. but she dresses like a man, goes by the male version of her name and from a distance (and even from close up) looks…. like a guy.  In the 80s some people might have called her a "bull dyke"…. the common term these days would be "butch" lesbian.

Dressed in her usual work clothes, Carhartt was approached by a man who was speaking in a foreign language.  He appeared to be under the influence of something and he was gesturing in a manner that indicated to Carhartt that he was questioning whether or not Carhartt was a girl or a boy.

Carhartt ignored the man and continued to her truck in the parking lot.  The man stepped in front of Carhartt prohibiting her from getting in her truck and while asking questions the man reached down and grabbed Carhartt in the groin area.

In the LGBTQ community, this is known as a "gender check".  When someone walks up to someone - usually a stranger - and feels either their genital area or their breast area to "see" if they are a boy or a girl.

This happens *much* more frequently that you would know.  Butch girls are *constantly* harassed in women's bathrooms because they are mistaken for men.  I had one friend who was escorted out of a mall bathroom and held in the mall office while these "security guards" tried to make her remove her shirt and "prove" she was a girl.
Sigh.

So this man reached down and grabbed Carhartt's crotch.  Carhartt, scared and surprised in a parking lot well after hours (she works a night shift) -  pushed the man off her and punched him in the face - apparently breaking his nose.

This infuriated the man who proceeded to punch back - striking Carhartt in the face once above the eye and once below the eye.  The punch below her eye broke her cheek bone… which has another name.

Carhartt then stepped back and did what her Grandma taught her to do:  she kicked him in the nuts.

Apparently, certain medical damage was done to the man's genitals.  As he stumbled, another co-worker arrived in the parking lot, having watched the man punch Carhartt several times - and he pushed the man to the ground.  The man hit his head and (apparently) suffered a skull fracture.

The end result is that Carhartt's face was smashed in (it's broken in two places), the man who started this is now charged with a Hate Crime (which is a federal offense) and the co-worker has been charged with assault for pushing the man to the ground.

Carhartt is still recovering from her injuries.

My decision on whether or not to come out *does* actually put me at risk, and to that extent, it puts my kids at risk as well. Which is a very scary thing for me….. for all of us.

This is actually the *third* time Carhartt has been injured in a physical altercation with men looking to prove she's a girl or a guy…… and sadly:  it probably won't be the last time.
Sigh.

So, I didn't not tell you guys when I finally decided that I was willing to stand up and be true to myself because I wanted to dupe anybody, or I was trying to lie…. I was very careful about the language I used - it was gender neutral.  And, any Blog readers who were friends with me on facebook were told over FB message that I was a lesbian - and - anyone who wrote me and asked me directly was told the truth.

The worst part is that Carhartt was hurt and there was nothing I could do about it.  I couldn't make it better, I couldn't nurse her through her injuries because she lives too far away…. and  we broke up.  It's been a *really* rough fourish weeks now…

So.  Now you know the truth.  Carhartt and I talked about whether or not to share this…. but we both felt that it's important for people to realize that it's NOT OKAY to question someone's gender.  IT's NOT OKAY to challenge someone in a parking lot because of how they are dressed….. or because how they are dressed isn't something you can easily define as "boy" or "girl".  It shouldn't matter.

No matter what she's wearing - Carhartt is a strong person with educated opinions, a kind heart and a passion for alllllll things outdoors.  Her gender doesn't define who she is, who she loves or how she lives….. and the question of her gender should be a reason for someone to cause her harm.  Her being a dyke should be even *less* of a reason someone physically challenges her.

Being gay is how we identify.  It's defines who we love …. but - we are still just normal people who should be afforded tolerance and safety.  Period.

Gay looks like *a lot* of things.... sometimes, unless we're wrapped in a rainbow flag:  you can't even tell we're gay.  And sometimes.... it's obvious.  Regardless, even in our Sesame Street society where we are raised to believe we are all the same and we all deserve the same rights and respect as humans.... that sometimes isn't taking place.  The only way to change things is through exposure and education.  I am, most certainly, not hoping to be *any* kind of poster girl for my community.... it already has amazing, visible leaders who are much wiser than I am.... however, the most of us who are out and visible and willing to talk about our life experience and struggles... the most chance we have to educated people and create, through our willingness to share, a place where tolerance grows and hate dies.

That's all that really matters..... I've subscribed to those values since the day El Capitan left - the hate must subside... it must die away - and in it's place, tolerance grew... and a new family came with it.  Again... not because I'm special or better than nay other woman in my shoes... but because I didn't see a better way our for my children.  I didn't see a different way to heal and become a kind of family they could recognize and feel a part of..... taking those same values with me into my own personal journey means that I have to be willing to be honest..... and that is why I came out on The Blog.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

7 Comments
Shirley link
6/17/2013 11:10:53 pm

Been away for a little bit and had to catch up. Seems my point of view or -- as another commentor put it, my “takeaway” started a little firestorm. LOL. And you are 100% wrong in thinking my comment was intended to hurt you. You asked me a question, I prefaced it with knowing you were not going to like my answer (to soften the blow), but I then I stated what my takeaway was and, inspite of Carhartt’s comments, I can’t apologize that I don't necessarily see things the way others do. That doesn't make me ignorant. It makes me human and an independent thinker. I am sincerely sorry about what happened to Carhartt. I actually find it terrifying that someone could walk up to her and do that. And I find it totally unfair that the good samaritan coworker has been charged. But again not to upset you, I’ve lived a long time and I’ve been described as kind of a “deep sister” in that I see independently of the herd and beyond the surface. I don't know if Carhartt's awful incident happened before or after she commented but either way you'll have to admit it is kind of interesting that Carhartt pronounced so violently that “in her world” I would be the one punched in the face.

Reply
dusty
6/19/2013 09:00:39 pm

I totally agree with all that you have said. I think I'm the only one.

Reply
Kay
6/18/2013 12:41:27 am

Best wishes to Carhartt and hope healing is progressing well. The co-worker should not be charged, and I would hope he is cleared soon. As for the other monster... hope the bastard is in jail, someone smart has thrown the key in the Columbia.

People: Each person, regardless of who the person is, what the person wears, what the person does for a job, what the person looks like, what the person likes, who the person loves, IS NOT YOUR DAMN BUSINESS AND YOU SHOULD NOT HATE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT LIKE YOU.

We are all different for a reason. Could you imagine if the world has all people 4 feet 11 inches tall? All black curly hair with white skin?
We would be living in one hell of a boring world. Think about it.

People, and I really don't give a shit who they are, PEOPLE who have to use ANY kind of violence against another person for ANY fucking reason is NOT a human. THEY ARE A MONSTER.

Just to set the record straight - I am not gay. I am married. I was married to one asshole and divorced him. Dated another asshole before I dated and married my husband. He has not made the rank of asshole yet. When he does, he will be found amongst the other assholes.

Let me tell you idiots a little secret. Ready???

GAY people are doctors. They are nurses. They are Lab people. They are surgeons. Guess what - YOU do not always know because in SCRUBS and OR gear, they all look close to the same.

What I can tell you is this.... A GAY medical PROFESSIONAL saved my life on an operating table. The GAY person was a female who like other females. She was more professional than some straight people in the business that I know. She was more comforting than some straight people. She was SMARTER than some straight people. I am alive today because of a GAY person who has a passion to help other people REGARDLESS of her sexual likes or dislikes.

So to all of you IDIOTS - Grow the hell up and live like people, not monsters. We live in America so we can CHOOSE where we want to live, how we want to live and what we eat, where we go and how we get there. If you want to have more control than we already have in America - then pack your shit and move to another Country. You can still pick how you pack and what route you can take... GO.

And, for those of you who just can't seem to accept Elle's forgiveness for El Caption and La Nova - I just want you to personally know.... living with hate and anger all your damn life is a waste of life. YOU need to get some professional help to learn how to move on yourself and how to find the positive sides of situations.

Elle, give my best to your friend, Carhartt and I wish for a speedy recovery.





Reply
Romana
6/18/2013 02:18:30 am

Poor Carhartt, I feel bad for what happened to her and am glad that she was able to defend herself. I hope she'll be OK. I just CANNOT BELIEVE that people like that man in the parking lot can STILL think that way! It makes me so mad! On another note, Elle, you ARE wise enough to be a leader in your local LGBTQ. You would be awesome.

Reply
Alex
6/18/2013 08:26:27 am

Woah. That is absolutely horrific. I am so sorry to hear about Carhartt and wish her fast healing and wish the best of luck to the brave person who defended her.

You've made some very good points about why you kept coming out off the blog for so long, although I don't think you need to justify yourself about it anyway, I hope other people "get" it now and understand why.

Reply
Romana
6/19/2013 03:28:44 am

Yeah.

Reply
Jaimey
6/19/2013 12:24:05 am

Dude, we need to get together. I shouldn't be finding things out like that from the blog! :( I'm so sorry Carhart. I hope you recover quickly. I am so sick at the thought of that whole scene. People have so much gal. I thought I'd heard everything, I clearly hadn't and I'm appalled. :'(

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