The thing about me is that I have *always* been who I am.... I have feelings and opinions and ideas and (if you know me) then you know it's *very* hard for me to keep those to myself on the best of days... but if I'm angry???? It's like a tsunami of anger that overwhelms and takes out whatever person/object/space is around me. It's not a violent thing.... but, truth be told: I can say things that'll make your ears bleed for days.
I do, in fact, have a way of cutting you down with my tongue in a manner that - while often comedic - is *always* brutally truthful. It's been the demise of several relationships in my time AND - oh yes.... AND - is something I have sought to change/curtail/end as I get older.
As the years trickle by I have tried, sometimes in utter vain, to stop and *think* before I unleash the winds and rain. I have, to some people's surprise, tried to damn the tide of verbal anger before it takes out relationships with people I love.
But tried all the same.
Looking back at my marriage with Drew, (from The Book), there were *clear* issue's that his parents had that affected our marriage. There were clear issue's that Drew had - and issue's that *I* had.... and then there was my amazing ability to handle situations with his parents with the kind of tact that an elephant with a tack in her foot posses.... ie: none.
None at all.
However, sometimes you look back at a whole situation and if there are moments and times and conversations and words said, not under your breath - but broadcast as though a megaphone were strapped to your face.... and you shudder a bit. Even though it's in the past and those days and moments and that anger is smoke from the book of your life on a fire.... just floating away..... *if* that still makes you shudder.... then you would be wise to listen to that instinct and *change* that behavior.
Truth be told, I don't shudder about my past or behavior nearly as much as some people might think I should.... but I can *Assure* you that I shudder faaaaaaar more than people realize because I *AM* someone who does endeavor to take ownership of not only actions, but mostly my words - AND - not only do I want to *OWN* them, but if I decide they were 'wrong' - then I strive to *change* them.
I really really really really do.
Embarking on this process, I was *deFUCKINGtermined* to have as many 'shudder free' moments as I possibly, possibly could.... keeping in mind that a person who has just had their entire life ripped out from under them and placed firmly beneath the buxom buttocks of another woman... well: she's going to lose her shit from time to time and it's not gonna' be pretty....... Having said that - I *TRIED* not to use that as an excuse to machine gun every fucker that came in my path with a verbal assault that would make Lisa Lampanelli cringe. (look her up.... she's brilliant.)
I thought *a lot* about my post the other day.... did you notice the grammar was almost pretty decent? That's because I actually read that one through several times before hitting send.... I usually write, hit send, go to bed. lololol :)
This time, though, I thought about what I wanted to say - what I wanted to share.... and then I shared. I thought about what the consequences might be for me, for the kids... for El Capitan, etc..... and I decided that - in spite of what some people think/assume/accuse me of - I *HAVE* actually made EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. CHOICE for the last 18 months - for the sole benefit of the kids (or at least what I *hoped* would be for their benefit). I put myself aside - and not in some kind of Christ-like way so that I can build a cross of good deeds and 'sacrifices' and hoist myself up on it and say.... "look at me world- look at the fantastic person I am to make such lofty sacrifices"......
In the first place.... I'm not all that fantastic, nor have I ever thought I was, frankly, if I'd had better self-esteem I would have never married El Capitan in the first place.... just sayin'.
Secondly - I really *didn't* give a shit about his stuff, my stuff - having to do it all alone - because I had grown sooooo accustomed to doing everything alone that *not* having him there to pack up his own shit, etc... well, that was something I would have expected anyway. No biggie.
Thirdly, I *really* did believe that if I created a safe space for La Novia to step into - free of blame or shame or whatever.... but a true, welcoming space - and that THAT would be enough for her to step up and *be* apart of my childrens lives.....
But. That safe space was filled by suspicion and .... resentment? Entitlement? Fear?
I don't really know.... but it stayed void of a person.
And my children *feel* that void.
Since I wrote my post I've been thinking about the last 18 months and the TWO conversations I ever had with La Novia - ok ... three - one text, two on the phone. And I never called her names. I was actually *fairly* pleasant.... and yet that .... person.... seems to think I should have been nicer?
That's like telling the Jews to thank Hitler for the shower.
Yeah. I said it. Suck it.
You fuck your way into this family and then you turn up your nose at the *chance* to co-parent two of the most amazing beings in the world..... (according to me, of course). :) I just don't get it .... I really don't.
I go over and over in my mind - everything I said, I re-read posts and parts of The Book and there are times where I am as much her protector - worrying about her - about what El Capitan was *saying* about her - as I am just emotionally decimated by what she's done and her total lack of empathy or regret.
I have actually spent some time wondering if she's on the spectrum... that kind of person who *lacks* any kind of social awareness or personal responsibility is a special person in deed..... Dexter style. No - I'm being serious - there are HUNDREDS of stories out there about these women who feel so entitled to another person's spouse that they go and kill people.... now - I'm NOT saying anyone was going to kill anyone... but that level of 'I don't give a shit'..... THAT is a worrying quality in a person.
That's the thing.... SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE. La Novia hasn't cared. She didn't care that he was married. She didn't care that I would get hurt. She didn't care that my children would get hurt.... she felt no shame, no regret - there have never been any apologies or ownership.... she has always acted as though *I* were in the way of them being together.
She has, in my humble opinion (and others), felt as though I was the problem here - not her.
There is *one* thing, that she said, that rings in my ears.......
If took me MONTHS to get El Capitan to sit down with me and La Novia. EVEN THOUGH the need for that 'sit down' is clearly spelled out in our divorce papers.... he dodged and dodged me.
Over and over, I would ask. I would tell him that the kids were asking about her and wanted to meet her... etc. That the counselor felt it was time and that *not* having met her was having a negative affect on them.... but he would say no.
At the time - El Capitan would say, "I'm not sure that that's where this relationships is headed". And imply that he didn't want her interacting with the kids that way. Which I thought was odd.....
When we *finally* sat down together I was KIND - SO FUCKING KIND - and I damn well meant it. I was - because I'm really fucking stupid - EXCITED about this step because I thought it was best for the kids and that a LIFETIME of losing my temper and whatever..... wasn't going to happen. It hadn't really happened thus far - that I could steer us all to a place of friendship and co-parenting and that fruits of my labor - the product of my 'sacrifices' would be a happier family for the children.
I sat at the table.
I read the letter - heartfelt and clear. No anger or animosity from my side of the table.
I was kind and smiled and was encouraging of her.....
I was - until my post Monday - totally genuine.
And she said very little. BUT. One thing she said that rings in my ears was this......"Well, thank you -I'm just so surprised that you can be so amicable."
Huh.......? I just read you an entire letter.
I *insisted* on you having a chance to have a relationship with my children.
I welcomed you into the family.
What the motherFUCK isn't 'amicable' about that?
What more am I supposed to do.... give you hand a job and a smoke?
I might be into girls... but needless to say: I have much higher standards so that ain't gonna happen.
So I've come to the realization that El Capitan must tell her things ..... he must paint pictures for her that lead to her to a place where she can't image me to be 'amicable'.
Dr. Drew thought was I was waaaaay too nice and amicable.
So did the entire View.
So did my friends.
So did The Bubbie and The Papa ... who were 'shocked' that El Capitan left with his nuts in tact. (He didn't though... those have been in a proverbial jar for nearly 11 years..... bwahahahahaha).
Point being - if this was an 'act' or an illusion or not genuine - I'm NOT the kind of person who can fake anything other than an orgasm during straight sex.
But there comes a point where the tsunami, when not let out.... swarms and starts to drown you.... and I'll be honest: I was fucking tired of treading my own water and drowning every night.
So.... I don't regret it. If it makes me shudder... I'll deal with that - like I already have to deal with everything else that has come from all of this.... but let us not forget that *none* of this - The Sign, The Book, The Blog would have *ever* happened without El Capitan fucking La Novia on her green comforter and then dragging the sweat and the sweet stench home to me.
Even now.... I've come to realize that it's something I can move past - but it's nothing I'll ever forget.