Doesn't That Bother You.....?

4/16/2013

Last night I got an email and it said, in part - this:

"..... doesn't it bother you that your children will get to know another woman who possesses a 'mothering' role in their life? Doesn't that bother you - the idea that you can be replaced?"

This was in regards to the children meeting La Novia (our new name for Yoga Girl... don't forget).

I suppose on the one hand, I have to admit that it does tug a bit at my heart. Certainly though, when this situation was new and fresh the very idea that La Novia breathed *air* was enough to send me into a state of angry hyperventilation. At that time, I had no mental capacity for thinking my children should have *anything* at all to do with La Novia... and yes, the very idea of it make me cry.

Fast forward 11 months.... and by creating a space of first *tolerance* and then * acceptance* in MY life for La Novia... I as able to welcome her into a space within our family. Ironically, sweet La Novia said that she had "waited" to meet them until "the children asked".... which shows that she clearly doesn't read The Blog because the children *have* been asking since December... lolol El Capitan had reservations.....

Not me.

Once I had first decided to be tolerant of her and her role in El Capitan's life - that paved a road to accepting her IN that role.... which lead to a *very* peaceful place where I could actually welcome her with open arms into our family.

You see... people always think I'm doing things for El Capitan - that I make things "too easy" for him... may be - I supposed that could be a by-product of my true intentions - which are about making thing easier for me and the children. Making things easier for El Capitan......? F*ck that. lololol

Mind you, I don't make things hard for him either.

So, fast forward to the children meeting La Novia.... was I bothered?
Nope. The idea briefly crossed my mind.... I felt my heart sting just a tiny bit.... but knowing that it was the right thing for the children made it infinitely easy to do.

Now I suppose there must be some kind of territorial thing about how La Novia "replaced" me as a wife... which I suppose she has. Sad.... again, I would have held out at 23 for something more than someone else's hand me downs.... BUT - that's the thing: La Novia doesn't see it that way. And why should she?

She see's him as new and hers.... she always has. The truth is always 100% your perspective.
Her truth is that they belong together and so they do.
Her truth has nothing to do with me... in fact, I don't factor into it - why should i?

So knowing I don't factor into it.... *why* keep putting myself there?
That only causes pain and it's not necessary.

BY THAT SAME TRAIN OF THOUGHT.... I think this is where a lot of Mom's in my shoes go wrong... they try to put the other woman (girlfriend/new wife/etc) IN THEIR SHOES and thus see that person as a "threat" of a replacement. That's probably the wrong idea.

I don't think La Novia thinks that by meeting my children she is somehow going to "replace" me.... I think she wants to impress El Capitan. I think she wants to do a good job - be a good friend to the children, etc.
Those things I believe 100%.

However.... putting La Novia into MY perspective of "Mother" is wrong and it's most likely not something she's trying to do, so by doing that, all I'm going to do is cause myself more upset and tears that are probably for nothing.

The only way La Novia is going to replace me is if I become a totally sh*tty Mom... and in which case - replacing me might be what's best for the children The solution to NOT being "replaced" is to not allow myself to get wrapped up in "what ifs" or allow my heart and my mind to be bound by the actions of the past and not.... not not - be a sh*tty parent/co-parent for my children.

So.... does it bother me that the children have a new woman in their life to whom they might relate to in a Mothering role......?
Nope.
Not at all.

Imagine how many kids wander this planet with NO Mom?
Or a really sh*tty Mom?
Or an abusive Mom?

So..... my kids have one kick-ass Mom who adores them (that's me, in case you needed clarity on that) and now they also have a strong minded, strong willed, woman who seeks to be friends with them - who has agreed to co-parent them in the same manner they have always been reared - who agreed to put them first even before herself.....?

That's pretty freakin' awesome if you ask me..... and the good fortune of my children is not something that is ever going to bother me.

6 Comments

Scott

4/17/2013 01:32:11

That email sounds like a woman who would never, ever move on with her life as you have. Always looking for something to be bitter about. The kind of ex's that give ex's bad names. Your doing fine Elle, just fine.

Alex

4/17/2013 01:51:07

I kind of agree with you Elle, I wouldn't feel I'm being "replaced" as a mother if a new step mother was respectful of my views and wishes, which La Novia seems to want to do. I think she's genuinely trying to be respectful now, knowing she's at a negative deficit, so she's going to try that much harder.

Of all my friends who were raised in blended families, the most successful step-parents were the ones who didn't consider themselves full fledged parents and so didn't demand that same status, or demand rights to change the parenting strategies, creating tension between the parents and for the kids. I always figured if I were in the position of being a step-mother, I'd be all over their mother to clear things with her and abide by her wishes and be more of a benevolent aunt like figure.

The least successful ones were the step-parents who demanded equal status instantly, and the right to change parenting strategies, or under minded the other parent's wishes.

So, La Novia, take note of this. Even with the best of intentions, there will come a time where you disagree with Elle's methodology. Just stand back knowing that she's a good mother and go with the flow. Think about it, not having to make decisions regarding the kids means you don't have to make unpopular ones, so you never have to be the "bad guy".

Note: To play devil's advocate for those that would feel threatened, I can see why some parents feel threatened that they are being "replaced", because sometimes their ex and new partner truly are attempting to do that to get them "out of the way" as a complication. That's happening to a friend of mine right now. Oy.

amy

4/17/2013 02:39:00

I keep thinking back to how many times you have stated...no kid EVER had too many adults loving them. That's what this person should be thinking not that there is any chance you will be replaced. In my opinion, that's high school thinking not adult grown up thinking. I'm divorced and my ex has brought a woman around once (considering he only sees his daughter about 4x/year, one time is plenty) and not for one minute did I ever think I would be replaced. I am today, I will be tomorrow and I will be forever, my daughter's mom. Just because there is another adult in her life, that doesn't change that. Oh, and like you, I think I'm a pretty kick-ass mom at that!

amy

4/17/2013 02:39:32

Oh and in case you didn't know, your last line in the blog post is getting cut off again.

Geneva link

4/17/2013 07:30:30

Yeah...no. You can't be replaced. You aren't a lightbulb. You are their mother. I'm so glad that La Novia is going to try, and that she's taking steps toward being part of an extended family, but she won't ever edge you out as their mom.

4/29/2013 08:37:20

"..... doesn't it bother you that your children will get to know another woman who possesses a 'mothering' role in their life? Doesn't that bother you - the idea that you can be replaced?"

Wow. This was clearly sent by someone insecure enough to not understand the power of the mother/child relationship.

I am a stepmother, and I've been a pretty dang good stepmother for some years now. Let me tell you clearly, a good bio mom cannot be replaced by any forces. My stepkids have made that clear from the very beginning, not in words, but actions, as they should. The loyalty to bio parents is amazing, even when the bio parents have done emotional, or sometimes physical damage to the children.

As a bio mom now myself (I was a stepmom first), I am confident in my role that no one can "be me" to my child. Should relationships change, and should there another parent figure enter for whatever reason in the future, that parent will be a parent, but not one who replaces me. Wow. What a place that reader wrote from.

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Elle Zober

Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer, potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!

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