"..... doesn't it bother you that your children will get to know another woman who possesses a 'mothering' role in their life? Doesn't that bother you - the idea that you can be replaced?"
This was in regards to the children meeting La Novia (our new name for Yoga Girl... don't forget).
I suppose on the one hand, I have to admit that it does tug a bit at my heart. Certainly though, when this situation was new and fresh the very idea that La Novia breathed *air* was enough to send me into a state of angry hyperventilation. At that time, I had no mental capacity for thinking my children should have *anything* at all to do with La Novia... and yes, the very idea of it make me cry.
Fast forward 11 months.... and by creating a space of first *tolerance* and then * acceptance* in MY life for La Novia... I as able to welcome her into a space within our family. Ironically, sweet La Novia said that she had "waited" to meet them until "the children asked".... which shows that she clearly doesn't read The Blog because the children *have* been asking since December... lolol El Capitan had reservations.....
Once I had first decided to be tolerant of her and her role in El Capitan's life - that paved a road to accepting her IN that role.... which lead to a *very* peaceful place where I could actually welcome her with open arms into our family.
You see... people always think I'm doing things for El Capitan - that I make things "too easy" for him... may be - I supposed that could be a by-product of my true intentions - which are about making thing easier for me and the children. Making things easier for El Capitan......? F*ck that. lololol
Mind you, I don't make things hard for him either.
So, fast forward to the children meeting La Novia.... was I bothered?
Nope. The idea briefly crossed my mind.... I felt my heart sting just a tiny bit.... but knowing that it was the right thing for the children made it infinitely easy to do.
Now I suppose there must be some kind of territorial thing about how La Novia "replaced" me as a wife... which I suppose she has. Sad.... again, I would have held out at 23 for something more than someone else's hand me downs.... BUT - that's the thing: La Novia doesn't see it that way. And why should she?
She see's him as new and hers.... she always has. The truth is always 100% your perspective.
Her truth is that they belong together and so they do.
Her truth has nothing to do with me... in fact, I don't factor into it - why should i?
So knowing I don't factor into it.... *why* keep putting myself there?
That only causes pain and it's not necessary.
BY THAT SAME TRAIN OF THOUGHT.... I think this is where a lot of Mom's in my shoes go wrong... they try to put the other woman (girlfriend/new wife/etc) IN THEIR SHOES and thus see that person as a "threat" of a replacement. That's probably the wrong idea.
I don't think La Novia thinks that by meeting my children she is somehow going to "replace" me.... I think she wants to impress El Capitan. I think she wants to do a good job - be a good friend to the children, etc.
Those things I believe 100%.
However.... putting La Novia into MY perspective of "Mother" is wrong and it's most likely not something she's trying to do, so by doing that, all I'm going to do is cause myself more upset and tears that are probably for nothing.
The only way La Novia is going to replace me is if I become a totally sh*tty Mom... and in which case - replacing me might be what's best for the children The solution to NOT being "replaced" is to not allow myself to get wrapped up in "what ifs" or allow my heart and my mind to be bound by the actions of the past and not.... not not - be a sh*tty parent/co-parent for my children.
So.... does it bother me that the children have a new woman in their life to whom they might relate to in a Mothering role......?
Not at all.
Imagine how many kids wander this planet with NO Mom?
Or a really sh*tty Mom?
Or an abusive Mom?
So..... my kids have one kick-ass Mom who adores them (that's me, in case you needed clarity on that) and now they also have a strong minded, strong willed, woman who seeks to be friends with them - who has agreed to co-parent them in the same manner they have always been reared - who agreed to put them first even before herself.....?
That's pretty freakin' awesome if you ask me..... and the good fortune of my children is not something that is ever going to bother me.