So.
Did you know that it was *just* our "One Year Anniversary"?
Well.... it was. And you didn't even get me a present!
Sadly.... we both know I'm fairly used to that by now. (bwahahahaha)
On a more serious note, it's a little bit crazy..... ok, may be *more* than a little bit crazy to think that only 12 months have passed.... because honestly, it feels like a decade ago.
I have always said that those Disney kids live in dog years: One year of "Hannah Montana" = 7 years of your normal 12 year old girls life. That means that by the time Miley Cyrus is 18 years old, she's been rode hard and put away wet by a society and an industry that has bought and sold every last once of her innocence leaving a old woman who might actually be 126 years old...but has no relevant "real-world" or life experience...
There are days when I actually feel 100 years old.... especially after the last year.
For instance, it felt (at the time) like it took a 100 years to get to my 18th birthday... I think everyone feels that in their youth. You live for summer allllll school year, then you spend the last month of summer bored and dying to see your friends at school..... right? Or, how I could not *wait* for the day when I would have my own bills to pay and a car to drive.... it seemed like it took *forever* to get there..... and yet - now fast forward TWENTY YEARS.... and I feel like it happened in a second.
I'm not making much sense right now... lol
Going back for my reunion it occurred to me that I had spent more time *away* from my childhood than I spent actually living in my childhood... which is a bit of a frightening feeling, to be honest. I still *feel* like I'm 18 years old - in my head.... but my heart and body tell a much different story.
However. One thing at my reunion that I heard over and over and over was how much I kind of *still* look like I did in high school.... while I'm certainly fluffier than I once was.... the years have been fairly kind to my face not leaving huge divides in my forehead where worry and pain left their mark. My eyes and teeth and skin are bereft of the marks of smoking, drinking or hard drugs..... sh*t: I didn't even tan much in my youth. lololol
So.... I kind of look the same (just fluffier :).
To be honest, most of the people from my class look *great*! Really... everyone was so happy and married and had good jobs and whatnot.... and then there was me. One of them actually commented to me on how "good" I looked and when I kind of shrugged it off (because we all know how great I am with accepting compliments) they stopped and said - "No, like with EVERYTHING you've been through this year - I can't believe you look so happy and .... the same as you always did."
At the time I replied with a quick.... "Well, I'm 'gay' so inherently I'm happier than you people - my label even say's so." Which was met with a round of laughter and the subject was changed..... but since I've been home and kind of digesting my trip and the effects of being a "grown up" now instead of the teenager I was once was..... and that one comment has kind of hung over me a bit.
The truth of the matter is... while I *have* been open and public about everything that has happened to me, what *has* happened really isn't *that* bad.... and honestly - it's happened(ing) to thousands of us all the time. So, when you consider that more than half of marriages in the US end in divorce and countless of those are from cheating.... my journey is actually rather.... typical.
There was really nothing special to see here. Aside from the fact that I was willing to share a very open and raw experience.... I don't think anything really happened that was all that different from a lot of the emails and messages that I got from men and women going through the same thing.
If there is *anything* different.... it's in how I handled things. The difference is in the choices I made for me and the kids AND for El Capitan. (wow... when was the last time I typed his name? lol). The difference is in how I decided to heal and process and move forward.... right or wrong, the evidence of having chose WELL shows very clearly on my face.... and I'm pretty f*cking stoked about that.
Like most people I don't find that there are too many times when I can stop and be *proud* of something I did... but I think overall - I'm pretty proud of how I handled everything.... I think I am.
Because the pain and the stress and the heartache... they don't live here anymore. They didn't get a chance to take up residence in my face and burrow it with lines and creases. I talked about it, I cried about it... sh*t I screamed about it, blogged about it.... but I *dealt* with it. I handled my sh*t and his sh*t and made choices I believed were *right* and in everyone's best interest.... which has many benefits - but it's become clear to me that one unexpected benefit was keeping my youth.... or least what little of it I had left. lolol
MOST importantly, however.... is seeing the kids.
I was so worried one year ago RIGHT NOW - about what kind of affect the divorce and living in two households would have on them....
Would they get depressed?
Would they lose their carefree smiles?
Would they see the loss of trust in their parents and lose faith in the world around them?
Would they lose their innocence......?
I'm not sure I have all the answers to those questions just yet.... they could both well end up on a therapists couch in ten or fifteen years.... and if they are: I'll happily own whatever mistakes I made.
But for now - the only couch they lay around on is the one in the living room where they build blanket forts. Somehow, in spite of all the insanity and trips to The View and TV crews and divorced parents and meeting La Novia - I managed to create a space for them to heal AND keep their innocence and their happiness as well.... I'm not gonna' lie: that's pretty f*cking rad.
No doubt..... I have another decade or so to f*ck up their lives.... so, I won't go counting these chickens until they graduate college and move out.... Xanax free. And ... like I said - my fingers are crossed. lol
There's soooooo much to fill you all in on... for those of you who are still here. :) I said I would keep writing until people stopped coming and even with my summer hiatus - hundreds a day were still checking in... so I WILL keep writing the Blog. Lucky for you, Hail Mary say's I can still Blog... which is good because she's becoming a bit of a.... fixture in our lives, but more on that later.
I can share this nugget with you though - another perk of dating a sweet butch girl is that she's not afraid to tell you that you've lost too much weight for your bra and that it's no longer 'supporting' you like it should... and kindly offers to take you to Victoria's Secret to help solve that problem. True Story.
Oh.... and *this* week the kids and I are going on an adventure that I'll be sharing with you every night.... so hang in there! :)
Did you know that it was *just* our "One Year Anniversary"?
Well.... it was. And you didn't even get me a present!
Sadly.... we both know I'm fairly used to that by now. (bwahahahaha)
On a more serious note, it's a little bit crazy..... ok, may be *more* than a little bit crazy to think that only 12 months have passed.... because honestly, it feels like a decade ago.
I have always said that those Disney kids live in dog years: One year of "Hannah Montana" = 7 years of your normal 12 year old girls life. That means that by the time Miley Cyrus is 18 years old, she's been rode hard and put away wet by a society and an industry that has bought and sold every last once of her innocence leaving a old woman who might actually be 126 years old...but has no relevant "real-world" or life experience...
There are days when I actually feel 100 years old.... especially after the last year.
For instance, it felt (at the time) like it took a 100 years to get to my 18th birthday... I think everyone feels that in their youth. You live for summer allllll school year, then you spend the last month of summer bored and dying to see your friends at school..... right? Or, how I could not *wait* for the day when I would have my own bills to pay and a car to drive.... it seemed like it took *forever* to get there..... and yet - now fast forward TWENTY YEARS.... and I feel like it happened in a second.
I'm not making much sense right now... lol
Going back for my reunion it occurred to me that I had spent more time *away* from my childhood than I spent actually living in my childhood... which is a bit of a frightening feeling, to be honest. I still *feel* like I'm 18 years old - in my head.... but my heart and body tell a much different story.
However. One thing at my reunion that I heard over and over and over was how much I kind of *still* look like I did in high school.... while I'm certainly fluffier than I once was.... the years have been fairly kind to my face not leaving huge divides in my forehead where worry and pain left their mark. My eyes and teeth and skin are bereft of the marks of smoking, drinking or hard drugs..... sh*t: I didn't even tan much in my youth. lololol
So.... I kind of look the same (just fluffier :).
To be honest, most of the people from my class look *great*! Really... everyone was so happy and married and had good jobs and whatnot.... and then there was me. One of them actually commented to me on how "good" I looked and when I kind of shrugged it off (because we all know how great I am with accepting compliments) they stopped and said - "No, like with EVERYTHING you've been through this year - I can't believe you look so happy and .... the same as you always did."
At the time I replied with a quick.... "Well, I'm 'gay' so inherently I'm happier than you people - my label even say's so." Which was met with a round of laughter and the subject was changed..... but since I've been home and kind of digesting my trip and the effects of being a "grown up" now instead of the teenager I was once was..... and that one comment has kind of hung over me a bit.
The truth of the matter is... while I *have* been open and public about everything that has happened to me, what *has* happened really isn't *that* bad.... and honestly - it's happened(ing) to thousands of us all the time. So, when you consider that more than half of marriages in the US end in divorce and countless of those are from cheating.... my journey is actually rather.... typical.
There was really nothing special to see here. Aside from the fact that I was willing to share a very open and raw experience.... I don't think anything really happened that was all that different from a lot of the emails and messages that I got from men and women going through the same thing.
If there is *anything* different.... it's in how I handled things. The difference is in the choices I made for me and the kids AND for El Capitan. (wow... when was the last time I typed his name? lol). The difference is in how I decided to heal and process and move forward.... right or wrong, the evidence of having chose WELL shows very clearly on my face.... and I'm pretty f*cking stoked about that.
Like most people I don't find that there are too many times when I can stop and be *proud* of something I did... but I think overall - I'm pretty proud of how I handled everything.... I think I am.
Because the pain and the stress and the heartache... they don't live here anymore. They didn't get a chance to take up residence in my face and burrow it with lines and creases. I talked about it, I cried about it... sh*t I screamed about it, blogged about it.... but I *dealt* with it. I handled my sh*t and his sh*t and made choices I believed were *right* and in everyone's best interest.... which has many benefits - but it's become clear to me that one unexpected benefit was keeping my youth.... or least what little of it I had left. lolol
MOST importantly, however.... is seeing the kids.
I was so worried one year ago RIGHT NOW - about what kind of affect the divorce and living in two households would have on them....
Would they get depressed?
Would they lose their carefree smiles?
Would they see the loss of trust in their parents and lose faith in the world around them?
Would they lose their innocence......?
I'm not sure I have all the answers to those questions just yet.... they could both well end up on a therapists couch in ten or fifteen years.... and if they are: I'll happily own whatever mistakes I made.
But for now - the only couch they lay around on is the one in the living room where they build blanket forts. Somehow, in spite of all the insanity and trips to The View and TV crews and divorced parents and meeting La Novia - I managed to create a space for them to heal AND keep their innocence and their happiness as well.... I'm not gonna' lie: that's pretty f*cking rad.
No doubt..... I have another decade or so to f*ck up their lives.... so, I won't go counting these chickens until they graduate college and move out.... Xanax free. And ... like I said - my fingers are crossed. lol
There's soooooo much to fill you all in on... for those of you who are still here. :) I said I would keep writing until people stopped coming and even with my summer hiatus - hundreds a day were still checking in... so I WILL keep writing the Blog. Lucky for you, Hail Mary say's I can still Blog... which is good because she's becoming a bit of a.... fixture in our lives, but more on that later.
I can share this nugget with you though - another perk of dating a sweet butch girl is that she's not afraid to tell you that you've lost too much weight for your bra and that it's no longer 'supporting' you like it should... and kindly offers to take you to Victoria's Secret to help solve that problem. True Story.
Oh.... and *this* week the kids and I are going on an adventure that I'll be sharing with you every night.... so hang in there! :)
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