I knew it was coming... I knew this would be hard.
Let's be *SUPER* clear to start with. I'm a funny lady with a decent sense of humor who made a funny sign to sell her house.... and then this happened. I *HAVE* been as open with all of you as I *EVER* was with myself... with the exception of the last 6 months. But since you don't' *pay* me for this ... 'entertainment' of sorts... El Capitan AND I *both* felt we should take some time to talk about whether or not I should go public about my superb gayness. For the record - El Capitan AND La Novia BOTH thought we should tell no one.... and they kept my secret for the last six months.
So here is this from a regular reader:
"I didn't see that coming. No one should care if you like women or men. I certainly don't.. and it's not something anyone should be judged for and I wish you all the best in the world. With that said.. for most of yesterday, after I read your blog, I was mad. Not because you are gay, but because you gave people (like me) the impression that our stories were very much the same and that someone felt the same ways and was honest to the core in a very public setting about the situation. Your story is now NOT the same. Since you are gay, I don't believe it's possible that you loved your husband the way someone would who wanted to be with that man (physically and mentally) forever. I don't believe there is a way in which the same passion and desire could have been shown as you would have for a woman. Just like the same would be said for me in the reverse situation. I KNOW you loved El Captain.. you have to be an idiot to not see that. But there are different kinds of love and the way you loved and the way I loved my ex husband are not the same. I believed for all the months I've been reading your blog (& buying/reading your book) that you and I had so much in common and it was awesome to see you heal and move on. Although I will say that it took me FOUR years to get to a place that you seemed to have found just one year later, and now that makes sense. Although, I still feel duped in a sense. You will never know what it's like to try to not have trust issues in another MAN or have an issue with a woman who took your husband who you wanted in every way. Or for your ex husband to have to deal with another man being a father to their children. All of that changes so much about how everyone interacts together and how things play out. I hate being lied to or being duped."
On the one hand....I can *kind* of understand why someone would think my being "gay" changes my story... but it doesn't. It doesn't for me.... and it doesn't for El Capitan.
For the record - El Capitan doesn't feel like this was the biggest "issue" in our marriage.... we had numerous to choose from - and my sexuality really wasn't on the table like it could have been. If you do the math - we were married, I was in a car wreck and in a back brace - then there's the Vagina Monologue that takes up two more years... then we're pregnant.... then we're pregnant and lose a few pregnancies... then we're pregnant and having a baby - complete with c-sections and healing times - sexual intimacy kept taking a back seat to a myriad of medical problems and *not* because of any "hidden" sexuality.
Grr.... I'm kind of pissed right now. I'm not sure how this post is going to go.......
I like girls. This is a fact. It's been a fact ever since I can remember...... however, having *NEVER* acted on it, never explored it.... I didn't *KNOW* any more than the passion and love I had for El Capitan and FUCK YOU for thinking it's any less than any love ANYONE ELSE has out there for their spouse.
Seriously. FUCK THAT. And FUCK YOU for writing that.
Gay or straight.... I GAVE MY HEART AND MY LIFE to that man. And he'll fucking tell you that straight up. He knows it. EVEN NOW THAT I'M A LESBIAN - he'll tell you he *STILL* feels guilty for hurting me like he did because I didn't deserve it and we *DID* love each other.
How do I know that......? Because I NEVER ONCE gave up on *him* or our family or our marriage.... NEVER. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME. and frankly.... I never would have. I believed in him from that first moment on the cracked sidewalk.... from the first time he kissed me under the Leonid Meteor Shower...
Period. I fell in love with HIM.
I worked my motherfucking ASS off to put him through college and then I worked 50 hours a week with my studio, plus had two kids AND STILL help down the fort so he could put in 65 hour weeks to work towards the next promotion at work.
I lost BABIES with that man... don't fucking reduce my marriage and my love simply because I like ladies.. That really just doesn't have a lot to do with... frankly speaking.
I was FUCKING HAPPY...... I LOVED my husband and my family and losing it - it NEARLY FUCKING KILLED ME. It truly did... and if you were my friend at the time - you would know that that's the truth..... when I write in the book that I was CATATONIC .... it's because I was. I had NEVER felt such pain in my entire life... NEVER.
Being "gay" didn't make that easier - because it WAS NOT something I was even REMOTELY thinking about.... my first thought was "how the hell do I get us out of this so that the kids get hurt THE LEAST" - and it's with THAT as my forethought that I made ALL of my decisions....
It was NOT until January of this year that I even *thought* about "dating" anyone... Male or Female... and the truth is - Coffee Guy WAS a Guy..... I spent the bulk of last year just processing and working through the pain and the betrayal and constantly working towards making things better for the kids...
THAT. WAS. ALL. So... our "journeys" are the fucking same. I'm sorry you can't get over shit in a timely fashion.... my being "gay" didn't make dealing with the loss of my home, my financial security, my family, my life... my husband and BEST FRIEND... my EVERYTHING. It really didn't.... and it still doesn't.
I knew that we were over.... reading his text messages *that* night ... I knew he had changed and we were done..... So, I started making plans. It wasn't easy... this blog is DRIPPING with REAL and RAW emotion.... EVERY ounce of it is true and *hard* for me to read.....
I wasn't trying to "dupe" anyone... and for fucks sake - everything I did was still shit *most* people in my shoes should do..... do you think because I like butch girls in sports bras and boys jeans that THAT makes dealing with El Capitan *easier*? Well... it doesn't.
Perhaps you have this impression that I was secretly wanting to be with women all these years? I wasn't.
I didn't think about women.
I didn't dream about women.
I didn't plan my great escape.....
I didn't breathe a sigh of relief when he left because *now* I could go full-fill myself and be with women.... why?
Because when he left... he took the air with him.
I had to spend minutes and hours and days and weeks and months.... JUST LEARNING HOW TO BREATHE.
Fucking anyone was not EVEN on my radar... and so it shouldn't have been - I'm a mother with TWO CHILDREN to try and help through his process.... THEY are to whom allllllllll of my personal and emotional responsibility lie - and as such I poured as *much* of me into healing in a way that healed *ALL* of us.. including El Capitan.
And Carhartt..... she's amazing. But, the truth is - she *struggled* with reading The Book because actually knowing me... she understood that my love for El Capitan was real and whole and full.... that was hard for her digest (as it will be for any future Lesbian partner... and for some women, it will *even* be a reason they won't date me...... to be honest). However.... you are DEAD WRONG when you say that .... no - *more* than DEAD WRONG.... it is *IGNORANT* to think that a woman in my life WON'T face the same situations that a "step Dad" would face because while YOU and The State of Oregon reduce us to being 3/4's of a person.... children DO NOT.
Children see two adults in a home and they listen to them, obey them, disobey them.... they *WILL* treat them both like parents..... they won't see any future woman in my life as "less" than their father BECAUSE SHE WON'T BE LESS THAN THEIR FATHER OR ANY OTHER MAN WHO COULD HAVE TAKEN HER PLACE.....
yeah. I'm kind of pissed right now.
The role of "step parent" no matter what gender fills it.... is hard and just because it could potentially be filled by a woman and not a man in my house doesn't make that woman "less than" any man who could have filled that role.
Good fucking gawd.
Grr....... I'm sorry to be so angry. I'm sorry to be writing in a ALL CAPS and not bothering to sensor my fbombs... and I'm sorry if some of you feel "duped"... but I'm gonna' call bullshit on that right now. There is NOTHING LESS than 100% raw, real, honest emotion on this Blog and in The Book.
I didn't think I would *EVER* actually be gay.
I never thought I would be brave enough to RISK losing my family and my friends......
So, the truth is.... I just never thought about it.
I didn't (and still don't) look at women with lust in my eyes.....
I didn't dream about them.
I didn't WANT to be with ANYONE ELSE but my own husband.
If you find that hard to believe.... I'm sorry.
If you somehow think the fact that I'm gay reduces my pain..... Fuck you.
If you somehow believe that being a lesbian made this EASIER.... you're an idiot.
If you somehow think you know that YOUR "STRAIGHT LOVE" was greater and stronger and more passionate than the love I had for El Capitan.... then you're a jackass.
Fun fact.... coming out to my friends and family - who had a ring side seat to the last year of my life.... not ONE of them assumed it changed or made anything "easier"... except for the one tool who suggested I would "blame" El Capitan for "making" me gay. Sigh......
So, if the people in my life who held my hand and dried my tears and watched me FALL. A. PART aren't shaking their heads and saying.... "Well, that explains how she handled this all so well: she's a clam licker."... then you shouldn't be so bold to assume so either.
And PLEASE... try and remember... I didn't *ask* to be here.
I would have NEVER chosen a life or a path that broke up my family.
I would have never left El Capitan.
I never said I had my shit figured out... I've just been honest..... and it wasn't until January that I stopped being totally honest.... and I felt horribly conflicted about it. However, there were opinions from family, friends, El Capitan, La Novia (yes, her opinion matters here) and eventually Carhartt's..... I listened to them ALL and decisions about WHEN to tell and how to come out where made.... collectively: as a family.
When this happened - my focus was on keeping my family. It was on changing not only *my* view of family, but the kids view..... so that they *might* stand a chance of being Two Happy Kids from ONE Broken Home.... that's been my goal every single day since the day El Capitan left. Being gay didn't influence that. It didn't make it easier.... it wasn't even a factor.
*I* got us here... ME. The person who has sat here 5 nights out of every week and *shared* this journey openly and willingly and honestly.... even when it hurt. Even when it was tearing me apart... and EVEN WHEN SHARING IT GOT ME TORN APART BY TROLLS..... I was here. Still Writing. I have not financially benefited from any of this.... a few thousand dollars at best... which is like nothing when you consider all the hours and the words.... I make like a penny per 10,000 words at that rate.... this is not lucrative. Nor did I try to make it that way.... I turned down the "paying ads".... I *tried* to keep this an open and honest space..... And it has been.
I moved through this pain and the betrayal and the anger step by step.... working *hard* to heal myself and find my happiness so that we could be living again.... *truly* living. I NEVER stopped to "define" it.... I never thought about anything other than working through my emotions and healing - FOR ME and for MY KIDS which *WILL* make me a better partner for anyone in my life.... it just so happens that when it came time to be READY for dating.... I decided that I had been through enough in my life that I was brave enough to stand up for myself..... but that didn't make getting *HERE* any easier.... or any less real or important.... because we ALL have to get here - we all have to get to a place where we're moving forward, learning to breathe, learning to laugh and starting to smile....
I got to this place because I *WAS* strong and forgiving and I focused on doing the *right* thing - not the vengeful thing ..... ALL OF THAT makes me STRONG ENOUGH to now stand on my own two feet and be who I am... I earned that right. I worked HARD to be here and it's the SAME WORK anyone in my shoes has to do - regardless of their sexual orientation..... I got HERE as a whole, happy person because I WORKED HARD TO GET HERE... and not because being a lesbian gave me some kind of "pass" and made this easier.... nothing. NO.THING. could have ever made this easier......
My journey hasn't changed..... only my destination.
And.... for those who still don't believe.... when I told El Capitan - after he got done laughing.... he got a bit serious and he said... "Well, that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me a 'reason' now for doing what I did.... I still have to own what I did and where we went wrong and the fact that I should have come to you and talked to you and not cheated..... your being gay doesn't change any of it, and it's not a reason any of it happened in the first place, really."
Rant aside.... what I was trying to do with my recent posts was *explain* how I felt growing up, the choices I made.... and yes, I will write more in depth about coming out to El Capitan AND La Novia.... because it wasn't easy. And yes.... I will most certainly write about the role my sexuality played in my marriage...... just hang in there.....