Come Sit At The Angry Table.........

6/11/2013

I can't help but be a teeny, tiny bit frustrated tonight.
I knew it was coming... I knew this would be hard.

Let's be *SUPER* clear to start with. I'm a funny lady with a decent sense of humor who made a funny sign to sell her house.... and then this happened. I *HAVE* been as open with all of you as I *EVER* was with myself... with the exception of the last 6 months. But since you don't' *pay* me for this ... 'entertainment' of sorts... El Capitan AND I *both* felt we should take some time to talk about whether or not I should go public about my superb gayness. For the record - El Capitan AND La Novia BOTH thought we should tell no one.... and they kept my secret for the last six months.

So here is this from a regular reader:
"I didn't see that coming. No one should care if you like women or men. I certainly don't.. and it's not something anyone should be judged for and I wish you all the best in the world. With that said.. for most of yesterday, after I read your blog, I was mad. Not because you are gay, but because you gave people (like me) the impression that our stories were very much the same and that someone felt the same ways and was honest to the core in a very public setting about the situation. Your story is now NOT the same. Since you are gay, I don't believe it's possible that you loved your husband the way someone would who wanted to be with that man (physically and mentally) forever. I don't believe there is a way in which the same passion and desire could have been shown as you would have for a woman. Just like the same would be said for me in the reverse situation. I KNOW you loved El Captain.. you have to be an idiot to not see that. But there are different kinds of love and the way you loved and the way I loved my ex husband are not the same. I believed for all the months I've been reading your blog (& buying/reading your book) that you and I had so much in common and it was awesome to see you heal and move on. Although I will say that it took me FOUR years to get to a place that you seemed to have found just one year later, and now that makes sense. Although, I still feel duped in a sense. You will never know what it's like to try to not have trust issues in another MAN or have an issue with a woman who took your husband who you wanted in every way. Or for your ex husband to have to deal with another man being a father to their children. All of that changes so much about how everyone interacts together and how things play out. I hate being lied to or being duped."

Wow.

On the one hand....I can *kind* of understand why someone would think my being "gay" changes my story... but it doesn't. It doesn't for me.... and it doesn't for El Capitan.

For the record - El Capitan doesn't feel like this was the biggest "issue" in our marriage.... we had numerous to choose from - and my sexuality really wasn't on the table like it could have been. If you do the math - we were married, I was in a car wreck and in a back brace - then there's the Vagina Monologue that takes up two more years... then we're pregnant.... then we're pregnant and lose a few pregnancies... then we're pregnant and having a baby - complete with c-sections and healing times - sexual intimacy kept taking a back seat to a myriad of medical problems and *not* because of any "hidden" sexuality.

Grr.... I'm kind of pissed right now. I'm not sure how this post is going to go.......

I like girls. This is a fact. It's been a fact ever since I can remember...... however, having *NEVER* acted on it, never explored it.... I didn't *KNOW* any more than the passion and love I had for El Capitan and FUCK YOU for thinking it's any less than any love ANYONE ELSE has out there for their spouse.

Seriously. FUCK THAT. And FUCK YOU for writing that.

Gay or straight.... I GAVE MY HEART AND MY LIFE to that man. And he'll fucking tell you that straight up. He knows it. EVEN NOW THAT I'M A LESBIAN - he'll tell you he *STILL* feels guilty for hurting me like he did because I didn't deserve it and we *DID* love each other.

How do I know that......? Because I NEVER ONCE gave up on *him* or our family or our marriage.... NEVER. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME. and frankly.... I never would have. I believed in him from that first moment on the cracked sidewalk.... from the first time he kissed me under the Leonid Meteor Shower...

Period. I fell in love with HIM.
I worked my motherfucking ASS off to put him through college and then I worked 50 hours a week with my studio, plus had two kids AND STILL help down the fort so he could put in 65 hour weeks to work towards the next promotion at work.

I lost BABIES with that man... don't fucking reduce my marriage and my love simply because I like ladies.. That really just doesn't have a lot to do with... frankly speaking.

I was FUCKING HAPPY...... I LOVED my husband and my family and losing it - it NEARLY FUCKING KILLED ME. It truly did... and if you were my friend at the time - you would know that that's the truth..... when I write in the book that I was CATATONIC .... it's because I was. I had NEVER felt such pain in my entire life... NEVER.

Being "gay" didn't make that easier - because it WAS NOT something I was even REMOTELY thinking about.... my first thought was "how the hell do I get us out of this so that the kids get hurt THE LEAST" - and it's with THAT as my forethought that I made ALL of my decisions....

It was NOT until January of this year that I even *thought* about "dating" anyone... Male or Female... and the truth is - Coffee Guy WAS a Guy..... I spent the bulk of last year just processing and working through the pain and the betrayal and constantly working towards making things better for the kids...

THAT. WAS. ALL. So... our "journeys" are the fucking same. I'm sorry you can't get over shit in a timely fashion.... my being "gay" didn't make dealing with the loss of my home, my financial security, my family, my life... my husband and BEST FRIEND... my EVERYTHING. It really didn't.... and it still doesn't.

I knew that we were over.... reading his text messages *that* night ... I knew he had changed and we were done..... So, I started making plans. It wasn't easy... this blog is DRIPPING with REAL and RAW emotion.... EVERY ounce of it is true and *hard* for me to read.....

Really hard.

I wasn't trying to "dupe" anyone... and for fucks sake - everything I did was still shit *most* people in my shoes should do..... do you think because I like butch girls in sports bras and boys jeans that THAT makes dealing with El Capitan *easier*? Well... it doesn't.

Perhaps you have this impression that I was secretly wanting to be with women all these years? I wasn't.

I didn't think about women.
I didn't dream about women.
I didn't plan my great escape.....
I didn't breathe a sigh of relief when he left because *now* I could go full-fill myself and be with women.... why?

Because when he left... he took the air with him.

I had to spend minutes and hours and days and weeks and months.... JUST LEARNING HOW TO BREATHE.

Fucking anyone was not EVEN on my radar... and so it shouldn't have been - I'm a mother with TWO CHILDREN to try and help through his process.... THEY are to whom allllllllll of my personal and emotional responsibility lie - and as such I poured as *much* of me into healing in a way that healed *ALL* of us.. including El Capitan.

And Carhartt..... she's amazing. But, the truth is - she *struggled* with reading The Book because actually knowing me... she understood that my love for El Capitan was real and whole and full.... that was hard for her digest (as it will be for any future Lesbian partner... and for some women, it will *even* be a reason they won't date me...... to be honest). However.... you are DEAD WRONG when you say that .... no - *more* than DEAD WRONG.... it is *IGNORANT* to think that a woman in my life WON'T face the same situations that a "step Dad" would face because while YOU and The State of Oregon reduce us to being 3/4's of a person.... children DO NOT.

Children see two adults in a home and they listen to them, obey them, disobey them.... they *WILL* treat them both like parents..... they won't see any future woman in my life as "less" than their father BECAUSE SHE WON'T BE LESS THAN THEIR FATHER OR ANY OTHER MAN WHO COULD HAVE TAKEN HER PLACE.....

yeah. I'm kind of pissed right now.

The role of "step parent" no matter what gender fills it.... is hard and just because it could potentially be filled by a woman and not a man in my house doesn't make that woman "less than" any man who could have filled that role.

Good fucking gawd.

Grr....... I'm sorry to be so angry. I'm sorry to be writing in a ALL CAPS and not bothering to sensor my fbombs... and I'm sorry if some of you feel "duped"... but I'm gonna' call bullshit on that right now. There is NOTHING LESS than 100% raw, real, honest emotion on this Blog and in The Book.

Period.

I didn't think I would *EVER* actually be gay.
I never thought I would be brave enough to RISK losing my family and my friends......

So, the truth is.... I just never thought about it.

I didn't (and still don't) look at women with lust in my eyes.....
I didn't dream about them.
I didn't WANT to be with ANYONE ELSE but my own husband.

If you find that hard to believe.... I'm sorry.
If you somehow think the fact that I'm gay reduces my pain..... Fuck you.
If you somehow believe that being a lesbian made this EASIER.... you're an idiot.
If you somehow think you know that YOUR "STRAIGHT LOVE" was greater and stronger and more passionate than the love I had for El Capitan.... then you're a jackass.

Fun fact.... coming out to my friends and family - who had a ring side seat to the last year of my life.... not ONE of them assumed it changed or made anything "easier"... except for the one tool who suggested I would "blame" El Capitan for "making" me gay. Sigh......

So, if the people in my life who held my hand and dried my tears and watched me FALL. A. PART aren't shaking their heads and saying.... "Well, that explains how she handled this all so well: she's a clam licker."... then you shouldn't be so bold to assume so either.

And PLEASE... try and remember... I didn't *ask* to be here.
I would have NEVER chosen a life or a path that broke up my family.
I would have never left El Capitan.

I never said I had my shit figured out... I've just been honest..... and it wasn't until January that I stopped being totally honest.... and I felt horribly conflicted about it. However, there were opinions from family, friends, El Capitan, La Novia (yes, her opinion matters here) and eventually Carhartt's..... I listened to them ALL and decisions about WHEN to tell and how to come out where made.... collectively: as a family.

When this happened - my focus was on keeping my family. It was on changing not only *my* view of family, but the kids view..... so that they *might* stand a chance of being Two Happy Kids from ONE Broken Home.... that's been my goal every single day since the day El Capitan left. Being gay didn't influence that. It didn't make it easier.... it wasn't even a factor.

*I* got us here... ME. The person who has sat here 5 nights out of every week and *shared* this journey openly and willingly and honestly.... even when it hurt. Even when it was tearing me apart... and EVEN WHEN SHARING IT GOT ME TORN APART BY TROLLS..... I was here. Still Writing. I have not financially benefited from any of this.... a few thousand dollars at best... which is like nothing when you consider all the hours and the words.... I make like a penny per 10,000 words at that rate.... this is not lucrative. Nor did I try to make it that way.... I turned down the "paying ads".... I *tried* to keep this an open and honest space..... And it has been.

I moved through this pain and the betrayal and the anger step by step.... working *hard* to heal myself and find my happiness so that we could be living again.... *truly* living. I NEVER stopped to "define" it.... I never thought about anything other than working through my emotions and healing - FOR ME and for MY KIDS which *WILL* make me a better partner for anyone in my life.... it just so happens that when it came time to be READY for dating.... I decided that I had been through enough in my life that I was brave enough to stand up for myself..... but that didn't make getting *HERE* any easier.... or any less real or important.... because we ALL have to get here - we all have to get to a place where we're moving forward, learning to breathe, learning to laugh and starting to smile....

I got to this place because I *WAS* strong and forgiving and I focused on doing the *right* thing - not the vengeful thing ..... ALL OF THAT makes me STRONG ENOUGH to now stand on my own two feet and be who I am... I earned that right. I worked HARD to be here and it's the SAME WORK anyone in my shoes has to do - regardless of their sexual orientation..... I got HERE as a whole, happy person because I WORKED HARD TO GET HERE... and not because being a lesbian gave me some kind of "pass" and made this easier.... nothing. NO.THING. could have ever made this easier......

My journey hasn't changed..... only my destination.

And.... for those who still don't believe.... when I told El Capitan - after he got done laughing.... he got a bit serious and he said... "Well, that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me a 'reason' now for doing what I did.... I still have to own what I did and where we went wrong and the fact that I should have come to you and talked to you and not cheated..... your being gay doesn't change any of it, and it's not a reason any of it happened in the first place, really."

So there.
************************************************************************

Rant aside.... what I was trying to do with my recent posts was *explain* how I felt growing up, the choices I made.... and yes, I will write more in depth about coming out to El Capitan AND La Novia.... because it wasn't easy. And yes.... I will most certainly write about the role my sexuality played in my marriage...... just hang in there.....

24 Comments

dusty

6/10/2013 09:52:31 pm

I have to say that I was surprised when you came out to us. I'm not shocked but I was surprised just as I always am when someone knows they are gay at an early age but does not own it, goes onto marry the opposite sex and have a family and ignores their true self. With that being said, I think a lot of your readers felt a kinship with you cause they had gone through or were going through the same thing. I have nothing in common with you (I'm old enough to be your mother), going through a divorce after 31 years of marriage, never had children and I'm straight) but I have been reading your blog from the beginning. I saw you on tv and thought I would check out the blog and then I became hooked. Why, because you were so kind and level-headed, two things I haven't been lately. I recently attended a support group for several months. Some of the women (and men) in the group were cheated on. Because my hubby did not cheat on me and I am initiating the divorce I was basically told that my pain wasn't the same. We had many discussions about this. I think the person who wrote this to you about feeling duped (I'm sure a lot of people do) feels the same way. That somehow your heart wasn't in the marriage to begin with (totally ridiculous). People don't realize that pain is pain. When I told the people in my group that I actually wanted my husband to cheat cause I thought he would be nicer to me if he had a girlfriend they couldn't believe it. For someone to minimize someone else's pain is horrible. To be betrayed or emotionally battered, the pain is the same. I will continue to read your blog cause I think you are amazing.

Scott

6/10/2013 11:25:24 pm

Wait....Carhart is a girl? I'm I reading that correctly? If so, I have to admit, I didn't see this coming either.

Kay Harris link

6/11/2013 01:18:35 am

Elle - I'm ashamed to say that my first thought after finding out you were gay was that it must have mitigated your pain a little bit at being the betrayed spouse. But reading your post and seeing your raw feelings laid out I know that's not the case. Your journey was just as painful as anybody else's. Thank you for writing this post. I think it needed to be said. You're an amazing person and you write honestly from your soul.

Shirley link

6/11/2013 01:19:25 am

I was laughing so hard at the first part of that rant of yours – “El Capitan AND La Novia BOTH thought we should tell no one” that I pretty much didn’t take in the rest. And, at the risk of incurring your wrath? … ire? … scorn? .. a fuck me as well? (all of the above), the thought which caused me to find that comment so amusing was, well of course he want to keep it secret because, to those on the outside looking in, it kinda makes El Capitan look like boo boo the fool that he was married to a girl who likes girls. Whether he is aware of it or not, whether you are aware of it or not, his buddies are probably now snickering behind his back. I’ve always heard, “The best revenge is to live well yourself”. I know you did not mean it to be so but it looks like “The best revenge is to come out of the closet.” And yes … I did see the breakup with Carhartt coming. In fact, my walking buddy and I were discussing that a few weeks before you’d posted because we see things about you that you do not see, do not want to see, and would get mad as hell if anyone brought to your attention. Correction .... have gotten mad as hell when brought to your attention. The fact that you say you and Carhartt did not see the breakup coming is probably not exactly true and not surprising. Subconsciously it was there to see. Consciously not so much. When one is in, it’s not so easy to look out. But when one gets distance from, or when one is a detached beholder, it’s a whole lot easier see objectively. None of us is perfect, it's just that sometimes our egos won't allow us to accept anything but our own point of view about ourselves.

Elle

6/11/2013 04:58:21 pm

What "wrath" has La Novia ever endured from me....?

I had her cell number, knew where she lives, where she worked, and I NEVER EVER harassed her or bothered her.... for the most part - I was pretty civil to her.

Additionally - I have accepted her - and WELCOMED her - into my family with a whole and open heart. :)

They both were worried that three of US woudl endure another media storm if word got out.... *that* was why we held back from being public.

Again.... Carhartt and I did not see it coming. Carhartt woudl *very* much like it if were not broken up..... :( We are botha bit heart broken over it.... but if you did see it coming - even Carhartt has asked me what it is you thought you saw that we didn't.... so please feel free to share. :)

Shirley link

6/12/2013 12:55:11 am

“Wrath” was not referring to LaNovia but to me, us, your readers and commentors making you angry when we comment something that you don’t like and sets you off. And as to “seeing it coming,” well, you’re not gonna like this but it’s nothing to do with Carhartt, more a case of history repeating itself. Having followed this blog pretty much from the beginning, it’s come out before that you have somewhat of a tough, demanding, controlling nature. When Carthartt came along and I saw glimpses in your posts of some of that same tough, controlling, demandingness that I saw when you were working yourself through the situation with El Capitan, it gave me a clearer understanding of why El Capitan chose an easier ride through what remains of his life. And I am not saying that cheating was the proper way out or the right thing to do. I’m just saying that it came to me that you seem to be way too much trouble to deal with in a relationship. I could understand why El Capitan did what he did (not agree with but understand), and I did not see Carhartt (before I learned she was a she) or anyone else wanting to work as hard as one would have to work to be in a relationship with you.

Romana

6/12/2013 06:46:33 pm

One of the things I've been working on about myself lately has to do with what you 2 ladies were talking about. Trying to see what I do not see, do not want to see, and would be upset and embarrassed about if they were pointed out to me. Heaven help us who are trying this. So thankful when this is done in a loving way that motivates me to improve.

Kay

6/11/2013 02:34:33 am

Elle.... my thoughts.... (not that they are worth much) I just think your life matters is not up for debate. You do NOT have to explain jack shit to anyone, first. Second, EC and LA and your two children and yourself are all that matters. Those who are angry and feel *duped* are a dime a dozen. Our world we live in is not really FULL of assholes, they are just strategically placed so we will run into at least one per day... in person, with emails, with blog posters, while driving and so on. So when I get to Portland, if you have time, I have a beautiful Granddaughter who needs pictures taken with her mommy and daddy... I'd like to hire you to take those photos regardless who, or what you love, hate, or lust over. Those of you who read this blog, and you feel compelled to write bullshit to Elle... I want to THANK YOU personally for show her and the rest of us readers, there REALLY are stupid, idiot people who have shit for brains living in our world. Without your hate being shown, I would have fell for the thought that just maybe everyone is learning how to live peacefully. I knew it in my heart that is not the case, but it was nice to DREAM about it.

Alex

6/11/2013 04:01:05 am

Elle,

I've been uncharacteristically quiet for the past few posts, mostly because I've been busy with work, but also because there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on or articulate. Sorry if this isn't articulate, I've been running on no sleep and can't make my point concisely. No brains for it right now.

I think I can now. I say all of this with love, I think you've shown tremendous character and helped many many people and your sexuality doesn't change that.

What many people took away from your blog, and this was your actual message to them; their healing was within their control and they could heal themselves faster with strength.

This message is true overall, but I think people walked away with unrealistically high expectations from it.

They thought they could realistically peg their resilience to yours, something that was never true, homosexual or not. Your resilience was at a level that was unrealistic for many, no matter how hard they tried. I've said this to you before. Long before you came out. Resilience is very much a character trait more than it is a virtue that can be strengthened with will power.

I've said this before too, you've been tough on others in your situation for not moving on, or not moving on enough, or taking to long to move on. Many of these people weren't presented with an opportunity to finally be themselves, the wooden plank that hit your face was just as painful as the planks that hit theirs' but your plank turned out to be a door. Their planks didn't turn out to be doors, they remained planks.

Inadvertently, I think you might have been making people feel like crap, beating themselves up for not being as resilient as you and wondering why they couldn't do what you did. It's because they never could, resilience is mostly an innate trait/ability. But they didn't see it as such and are now mistaking your homosexuality as a contributing factor to your resilience (which its not in reality).

They should never have walked away thinking that with grit and will power they could shrink their healing time down to a year, that was too high an expectation, but they did. Realizing there isn't a door to let them become themselves means a much longer recovery time and that has to be discouraging.

You see what I mean?

Romana

6/11/2013 04:49:02 am

Well, if it's any consolation I don't feel duped. But then again I'm not going through the same thing as you and the reader are. It actually IS the same thing you two are going through. Just not in the same way. Nobody goes through the same experiences the exact same way as someone else. Some or most of the feelings and events my be the exact duplicate but some of them aren't. Sometimes the recovery and outcome are a complete surprise to people, pleasant or not.

6/11/2013 06:13:18 am

Wow. I stepped away for a couple weeks and had a LOT to catch up on! Interesting to read this person's response that you posted. Like many others, I've gone back and read your blog from the very first entry to the present. I think it's not a stretch to say there are many readers who feel they have a connection, a commonality, with you. So in a very strong sense, this one fan is venting some kind of betrayal. This is all in that person's head.

What a world the internet has created. People believe they can "know" something or "know" a person they've never met. Something tells me the person that wrote this is sorely in need of real (not cyber) support, and real talk time, and in need of LESS time online feeling all these cyber connections. Hmm.

Christina

6/11/2013 11:55:28 pm

First off.... if the last paragraph of my email would have been posted, you would see why I felt mislead ...not betrayal. So here is the portion that wasn't posted:

"I am super proud of you for telling the world ... even though I feel it should have been so much earlier and you should have never given the perception otherwise (including calling Carhart "Carhart"... because I think you know that was misleading... you made it seem like you were dating a man........... again leading to the feeling of being lied to or duped).
I honestly wish you and your family only the best and true happiness. And thank you for sharing your story ..especially in the book. "

I read this blog because it's awesome to hear her blunt honesty about things, and I was taken aback that there were things she wasn't honest about. As for needing "support"... it took me 4 years to be at a place where I had left the hurt and baggage and moved on enough to find a healthy, strong relationship. Now I have been married for 3 years and am in a great place with my ex husband. This is the only blog I read and mainly because, since it was so close to my story, it pulled at my heart strings.. and I've sent her emails telling her things will get better and she will be OK.

Katie

6/25/2013 08:33:19 am

Christina- I agree with you! You have a right to feeling "duped." And feeling duped does NOT make you intolerant or a bigot. I support the LGBT community, but really that has NOTHING to do with me feeling mislead.

And if you can't understand how being gay changes your story then allow me to shed some light. Where people once empathized, they now must sympathize. That is how it changes your story. Christina is exhibit A.

Suggestion Elle- to ensure the integrity of your blog, you SHOULD let your readers know when you edit an email you are are responding to. Cutting and pasting it without it's entirety and not letting people know that you have edited the content- for brevity or whatever reason- is misleading. Hate to say it, but it seems like an emerging theme...

Elle

6/25/2013 08:56:14 am

to Katie below -

I don't "owe" any of you anything.
I write. You read.
Done deal.

I have been *very* brutally honest about everything - except my sexuality and you don't get to dictate the terms of when/where I come out.

I made decisions in my divorce as a HUMAN and a MOTHER - those two things have not been changed or influenced by whom I wish to sleep with.

Again. You don't pay to be here.
I'm not paid to be here.
Enough said.

Geneva

6/11/2013 09:55:47 am

Here's the thing: it isn't your responsibility to experience your life in a linear fashion with full benefit of hindsight and complete perspective, so that all parties will be pleased. Sure, you are laying it all out on the table here, and I suppose we all feel free to armchair quarterback from the anonymity of our internet caves, but I find it hard to believe that someone could actually read those raw early posts and think they came from anything but genuine heartbreak. Additionally, it is my genuine hope that there will come a time when people among us with truth to share can do so without having to brace themselves for blows of hatred and ignorance. There's enough anger and hatred and willful misunderstanding out there. Let's love.

Colin

6/11/2013 11:07:04 am

Elle,

I'm having trouble reconciling your statements. The downside to labels is the implicit definitions that they carry with them. When you say that you are gay, my understanding of this is that you are turned on by some women and not by men. It doesn't matter what you tell other people or whether you've acted on it. It implies that you were married to someone with whom you could never share pleasure and I have to assume that either you told him and made some sort of compromise or you simply faked the experiences you did have with him. I'm not making a value judgement, because I wasn't there, but rather describing my takeaway from your description.

If what I'm saying isn't how it was, wouldn't that make you bisexual rather than strictly a lesbian? I see being locked into an eternal monogamous marriage to a lesbian as an updated revision of a punishment from Dante's Circle; maybe even the 9th, if you like irony. We aren't marrying for dynastic purposes or family alliances anymore (GoT notwithstanding), so it's supposed to be for love. I can't figure out why you would be angry at folks for not understanding; being a lesbian in a straight marriage seems pretty deceitful/mean spirited, especially if you knew the whole time. Unless, as I said above, you talked to your husband about it and came to a compromise of some sort - I can't see how there would be a way for it to work. If he cared about you at all he'd want you to be able to be with someone with whom you could feel pleasure, at least once he got past the self-pity stage.

-Colin

Emma

6/12/2013 12:06:49 am

Elle,

I am sorry to have missed the blog for a bit, I was over seas, and I am just catching up. Of course, I had figured out at least part of all of this awhile ago so it's not a big shock or anything. I don't think you "duped" people. Not that you owe it to anyone to explain. You did not lie, I don't recall you ever saying "him" or "he". This is your life. So much of what you have said over the last few entries hits close to home in different ways. The thing I most want to say after reading all of this (and which seems more important than labels and definitions)- Anyway- Oh my gosh I am so sorry you and Carhartt broke up. I am so sorry for your and her loss. I imagine you must be yet again in grief. hugs for both of you.

I suppose growing up being gay wasn't talked about much at home. I never felt it was wrong though. I am not catholic, so I didn't have that factor. I did go to church but it was united which is more open or seems to be, I have not been in a long time. I went to an arts high school. I got bussed from my tiny town into the big city. The school was so accepting of everyone. So many of our friends were gay. It prob wasn't the typical school setting, as there really weren't jocks or anything. Anyway all that said, I am married to a man and without even discussing things too much we have made it clear to our children that love does not have to be with a man and a woman. When my daughter plays with her dolls and says one day I will get married and he has to be a man, right? I have never answered with that's right etc.... It's always been "you will marry or choose a relationship with whomever you LOVE". My son has asked about that, he is a little older. It's not hard to explain. This is all just natural to us and I hope it is natural for more and more homes... as it is perfectly normal for someone to have feelings for any other person.

Maybe you weren't brave when you were younger, but you didn't even really know there was another way. I'm so happy to hear that you have opened up that part of you. I'm sorry you lost a friend, it must suck even if it shows that perhaps she wasn't a friend to begin with. It seems like you are surrounded by awesome people and lots of love.

So- I'd say congrats and all, but this is just who you are. So glad you have acknowledged yourself. So much good, yet at the end of it all I just feel sad for you and carhartt.

Christina

6/12/2013 12:15:26 am

It seems you took my email the wrong way. Let me clarify a few things:
First off .. Sometimes people are so focused on making sure that things are "equal" in this world, they can't see the actual differences. I have friends that are of all races, nationalities and sexual preferences. I'm all for equality in everything. But there ARE differences. There just are. It's like saying a woman is the same as a man. Sure we can do the same jobs and shouldn't be treated different, but we ARE treated different. And there are some things we can't do the same because genetically we are just made different.
When I said that "your ex husband will never know what it feels to have to deal with another man being a father to their children"....that wasn't in any way saying that a woman couldn't fill a parental role. NOT AT ALL. Anyone.. male or female and regardless of age or any other factor can fill a parental role. What I meant is that it IS different for a MAN to have to deal with another MAN being a force in their childrens lives. Having that MAN make decisions about his children or answer the door or the phone for him to talk to his kids. It is.
Now, you are right in saying that I shouldn't have made it seem like your love wasn't the same. You loved EC with all your heart.. and you guys did have a ton of stuff to go thru. I'm sorry that I said/implied that.

The reason I felt duped was because of the Carhart situation (using that term to reference made it seem like he was a guy). That doesn't change anything as far as who you are or your story... but it did make it hard for me (and probably others) when you were so honest all along, but then had us believing something that was a bit from the truth. Does that make sense?

Kim

6/12/2013 01:30:15 am

Ok...here is my 2 cents for what it is worth...Congrats for finally living the way you were made to live. Second, in the world we grew up in, it didn't allow you to be who you were/are in those times. I think (being from a small town myself in Illinois/Iowa border) I cannot imagine how it was strange for you growing up knowing you were different than what everyone expected from you. That being said I will tell you this...you should be commended for not going to her house and asking if she knew if he was married or texting her or whatever. Some do not have the restraint. Taking the high road isn't always easy but sometimes it is best. As for accepting her into your family which I can tell you did is a feat in it's self. I am a step mom and my daughter (I helped raise from 1 years old on) is 15 now and her mom didn't accept me until she was 10 years old. Our lives have been easier since and our little girl knows she can talk to any of us and we will ALL be there. She is happier now than she was before and she will tell you Mom 1 and Mom 2 it is nice that you get along I like having my mom's at my sports and getting along. She doesn't call me mom she calls me Kimmy but when she is serious she says Mom 1 and 2, I need to talk to you guys.
As for the gay thing...Ok...so you are gay...fine by me. What is it my business who you choose to sleep with? I mean as long as you are respectful with your partner like I am with mine with the PDA I am good. My sister and her wife are as respectful as I am also. I mean come on who wants to seriously see any couple slobbering all over each other and petting and so forth at Wal-mart, Hy-Vee, or Kroger or the damn mall. Otherwise I say you know what Elle....go for it...You put everyone first all the damn time and it is your turn. Yes i realize the kids first got it...however it is time for you too. Like my mother awlays said should I just shelter myself at home until you go to college then I will be old so then I will be old and alone so i will move to your college town and you can still live with me and as for you finding someone...Um sorry I will need you...So see going out and meeting and finding that special someone for you to make you happy in turn makes them happy because isn't it true: If momma's happy everyone's happy. So I say go for broke and keep on keeping on because no one has the right to tell you if you are right or wrong because like I say: YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME and only you can try to be a tad bossy if you are Financing me,or F**king me (and that one only in the bed room can ya be bossy)!!
CONGRATS TO YOU FOR FINDNING THE COURAGE to be who you are....Thank you for sharing also...cannot wait to hear more.

Courtney

6/13/2013 09:04:11 am

Oh, dear God, watch out for people who begin with "I have all kinds of friends who are. . . " because a bunch of ignorant, racist, homophobic, and/or sexist shit is about to follow.

Can I just say that I think many of the comments on this blog post, especially Christina's sense of being "duped," revel problematic attitudes and assumptions about gender? Why would the name Carhart indicate the person with said name is a man? Is this because people with penises are the only ones who can wear Carhart clothing? Gender is different than the sex someone is born with--to a large extent gender is an expression of an individual's personal identity as expressed through clothing, mannerisms, hairstyles, etc. Our culture has determined what is the "appropriate" gender expressions for the sexes but make no mistake. . . there is NOTHING innate or essential about this. Sometimes one's gender does not neatly line up with what society expects (or, to be more accurate, demands) of their sex. In fact, I'm sure this would be this case for LOTS of people if it weren't for the fact gender conformity is crammed down our throats from the day of our birth. Therefore, Christina, I propose you change your perspective to something like this: rather than Elle trying to dupe you by assigning a name to her (ex)girlfriend that clearly expresses her personality, you made an assumption based on confusing gender with sex. Reread her blog about Brandon Teeena. Read Leslie Feinberg's excellent book Stone Butch Blues. At the end of the day chose to enlighten yourself rather than get mad at Elle for rather honestly blogging about her specific journey.

There are two additional points I think people have overlooked, Elle. One, you've allowed yourself to deeply feel and process your emotions, which are key to recovering from crisis (along with naturally high resilience, which is a gift Alex is smart to point out). You've had a great support network, as well as the very powerful outlet of writing. Too many people avoid such painful emotions through burying them with drink, food, sleep, work, or other means of denial. By confronting messy emotions like anger, sorrow and fear head-on you've found your way through. Because, truly, the best way out is through.

Secondly, of course your love for EC was real. It's not like you grew up in culture that validated anything but hetrosexual love. You weren't making a choice to cover up or lie about your true desires because a.) nothing else was really presented as a choice and b.) those "true desires" were probably buried and confused and not worth shifting through in the midst of a busy life you'd 100% committed to your partner. Not that I mean to speak for you, Elle. This is just what I hear coming from your posts and I think some people are overlooking it because they are so mired in our hetronormative culture.

And people wonder why you weren't so keen to blog about being a lesbian. Maybe because you don't feel like having to educate a bunch of ignorant people who haven't taken the time to give our culture's oppressions one second of critical thought? Or, perhaps because you don't want to be judged by those so far qualified from judging (if anyone ever really is qualified to do so). Again, I applaud your bravery and I hope comments like Christina's don't make you regret what some many of us are happy you let us be a part of.

Christina

6/14/2013 12:29:56 am

What's more productive is trying to see ALL people's viewpoints. You don't seem to be able to do that. I told Elle my "feelings" and then she obviously responded via her blog. Which I then responded to (if you paid any attention to that) where "I" SAW HER feelings and viewpoints on what I said/felt and I acknowledged her points of view and therefore changed some of my thoughts/feelings and apologized. That's what makes a healthy and accepting world.

Obviously since I/nor anyone (according to you) should take a name at face value... I would have no idea if you are a man or a woman....But thanks for your comments "Courtney". I will continue on as a loyal reader and hearing ELLE'S journey and viewpoints and hopefully you will too (although it sounds like you are a friend not just reader) and learn to accept everyone and listen to what they feel and why they feel and enlighten yourself a little.

Taun-Taun

6/14/2013 02:30:22 pm

I will say that I was one who thought Carhart was a man. Not because I'm sexist but because I'm a really dense blonde who just doesn't get the nuances.

I didn't see it coming...because I just don't pay attention to people enough to know who they have sex with. :)

Seriously, what difference does it make. Her story is real. Her pain is real. And she's shown more class than most divorce people I know.

hmmm

6/14/2013 09:35:22 pm

I'll have to read this one again later; when you get mad you avoid owning and like to add diversions. Yes you admitted to it --but then you went on the attack when you could have simply said "I'm sorry".

OWN the fact you made a conscious decision to lie to your readers ... by omission or otherwise. Once you do you will realize it does impact your credibility on all your past posts.

It doesn't impact my life in a meaningful way, I have other people's lies to make sense of and they are at the head of that WTF line. Am starting to wonder if this is a new zeitgeist ... Feck

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9/29/2013 03:44:16 pm

Thank you for this blog. That’s all I can say. You most definitely have made this blog into something that’s eye opening and important. You clearly know so much about the subject, you have covered so many bases. Great stuff from this part of the internet. Again, thank you for this blog.

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