It's a really fantastic night.... according to several friends on Facebook - the moon is pink....? I don't know about that, but it was super warm and bright outside still..... so I suggested that The Boy and I go for a walk to help clear his head.
"Ummm... Mom? You're like the best Mom ever." Say's The Boy.
sigh.... that's kind of rad because walking around the block at night is free... lol
The Boy then informed me that we needed a "lantern" - and asked me to get the one on top of the fridge, which is this waaaaaay babyish lantern that The Bubbie bought when he was a baby.
As I reached up to grab it, The Bubbie yelled, "Don't drop that... we've had that for a long time.. and Papa likes to use it when he goes on walks with you."
"I know.... I like it, too." The Boy continued, "I hope my hand doesn't get too big to hold the handle."
The Bubbie and I just looked at each other..... ever since he was a small, small child, The Boy has been keenly aware of 'growing up'. He would way things about how he liked being "a baby" and how life was easier then.... it's crazy how he's so in-tune with things.
Anyhow.... The Boy was even *more* stoked when he realized I was going to let him walk around in his pajamas's ..... yeah: that's how we roll at 10pm around these parts. And yes... those are plastic shoes you see in the picture, Crocs: the international sign of a parent who is too lazy to tie their kids shoes.
I let him choose the direction we went and one we went while he little hands (which very much still fit the handle... thank G*d) held tightly onto the lantern, swinging it as he walked.
At first we looked for the moon... we couldn't find it - I think there's an eclipse or something... I'll tell you what - if it isn't happening on facebook... then I a) don't know about it and b) it's probably not happening. lol So, we didn't see the moon, but the stars were out, and we could hear frogs - which The Boy thought was kind of awesome.
We walked along and I waited for him to start talking - I never know what's going on in his head and I don't want to "lead" the conversation and therefor change or influence what he's thinking .. so we walked, he swung the bug lantern and I patiently waited.
Finally.... The Boy said, "You know.... Daddy doesn't lie anymore - now he tells us he has a girlfriend - which we already knew - and now we even met her... and now he's making good choices and he feeds us grapes and yogurt and takes us swimming and dries us off...."
"Yup.... I think that's pretty cool, buddy." I reply... though I'm kind of wondering *why* he's bringing this up because he's brought it up several times before and as far as I can tell things with El Capitan are good all around... so at first I'm at a loss for why he's stuck on this....? And why the hell are we talking about food...? lol... I assume El Captain feeds them and dries them off.... it's really rather strange to think about what goes on in an 8 year old's head.
Several hours *later* I realized that what The Boy was likely saying is that NOW their Dad is "taking care" of them... like before they were out and going places and eating out... and *now* they are at his place and watching him do the thing he did before - prepare them food, play with them, etc. Wow....
OK.... so back to our walk.... and The Boy say's, "And you know [La Novia]......? She's actually pretty nice and she let us watch TV and makes us mac and cheese and butterflies...... Mom - she makes really pretty butterflies, like the best butterflies you've seen in your life."
"I know.... that's kind of cool - because she can make mac and cheese like Mom can, but [La Novia] can also make really cool butterflies - and that's something Mom can't do because I'm not good at drawing at all." I replied. "So, now you get the best of both families where everyone can do different things and do them better sometimes......"
He thought about this for a minute and then he said, "Yeah, and Bubbie makes mac and cheese - but she can't make butterflies either....."
"That's very true," I said, "So, if you didn't have [La Novia] in your life, then you wouldn't have anyone to make pretty butterflies with."
We rounded the corner for home and instead of turning in - we just kept walking as it seemed like The Boy still had a lot going on.....
"Do you remember when it was just me and you and Daddy and [The Girl] and we lived in our house....?" The Boy asked.
"Of course... we had a lot of fun times in that house." I replied.
"Yeah... yeah we did.... like the time Dad spilled his glass of water all over the kitchen....." The Boy stated.
Umm.... ok? I don't recall that - or recall an incident of water spilling significance... but I nod yes anyway.
"Yeah... I liked our house....I miss it," The Boy went on, "but Dad's new place has a pool and that's way cool..... and [La Novia] lives there, too... and she couldn't have lived in our house with us." He shakes his head.
Umm..... yeah - no on that one... lol. I mean, I think I've proven that I've got a pretty good sense of humor... but hell no to sharing my house with La Novia... lololol
"Well, we were one family in one house and now we're one family in two houses - only now our family has grown by one - [La Novia] - and I know it's different and that you miss the way we were - but are you happy with how things are now......?" Honestly... I was almost too afraid to ask.
"Well, kind of .... because I liked it when we lived in one house better, " The Boy said as part of my heart was crushed under his green Croc as he walked.... sigh.
"But I've been thinking that Dad has a girlfriend - so are you going to get a girlfriend?" The Boy asked.
I thought for a moment about having a talk with him about gender identity and dating and such... and then I thought I should probably just keep my answers relevant to the nature of his question, not his actual question.
"Are you asking if I'm going to date someone the way that Daddy is dating La Novia?" I ask.
"Well yeah because I don't think it's not fair that Daddy gets to be with someone else and you don't." The Boy went on, "because who knows Mom - they might be good at making butterflies or something else that we might like."
WTF. Seriously? I think my kid must be like a hundred years old already.... where the hell does he come up with this sh*t? Damn..... smart kid.
"Well, would you be ok if Mom was dating Someone?" I asked.
"Well sure Mom..... why not?" The Boy asks me as though I were the *dumbest* person the planet.
Which is just crazy to think about because I have not discussed *anyone* with the children, as far as they know I sit home and wait for them to get back when they go out with their Dad. And here is The Boy talking to *me* about dating Someone.... because - *duh* - I should be for starters and TWO - this person might bring their own "talents"/butterflies into their lives..... how the motherf*ck did my kid get so smart? Did they cover this sh*t on Sesame Street one day? Was this the topic on today's episode of Electric Company? Does Justin Beiber sing a song about it.....? Surely it has to be some kind of accidental parenting thing and not something I'm directly responsible for.
I think I just want to believe that my whole-hearted effort to accept La Novia has allowed the children to accept her AND accept whatever "newness" she has to offer. I think all too often in these situations people focus on, or get annoyed by, how "different" the other person is and those are brought out in a negative light.
Instead .... The Boy see's what different *good* things La Novia brings to the table AND he does this in a manner that makes him wonder what "good/new" things someone in *my* life might add to his own. That's just mind boggling and totally insane. Really. It is.
There's sooooo much "fear" that surrounds being in my shoes. When you're the cheater and you leave - you have nothing to worry about- because you take what you want with you and move on. You're happy about whatever you've lost or sacrificed, because in the end, you get what you wanted: someone new.
For the person left behind, the game is much different. Suddenly you're losing your spouse and friend and co-parent. You're packing up the house, splitting the pots and pans and blankets and such. You're busy trying to deal and heal and retain some semblance of sanity..... oh - and usually you're still raising your kids in this rubble.
More than anything - the "fear" of dating someone new isn't really related to the past relationship as such - it's more just the fear of standing in that rubble again. It's not about the past - it's actually a fear of the future - and soooo often we give in to that fear and don't move forward.
We don't allow our feelings to win out over time and common sense (and it always should in my humble opinion) - and we don't allow ourselves to trust someone new with our dreams and our inner most secrets and our passion..... which leaves us standing alone, still in our rubble.
More than that though... and according to my ever-wise 8 year old - when we don't take a chance, when we don't trust our hearts and our guts and follow our passion..... what we're really doing is missing out on the butterflies.
We're missing out on the butterflies in our stomach.......
... every time they text.
.... every time their hand brushes yours... sometimes not-so-un-intentionally.
.... when they lace their fingers through the back of your hair and pull you close to kiss you softly.
We're missing out on the excitement and the good kind of fear you start to have when you realize that Someone might actually *be* somebody... and - more than that - the huge amount of butterflies that you get when you suddenly realize that even *if* this Someone leaves you standing in rubble one day.... they will have been worth taking the chance. Or, you finally accept that it's not a matter of "giving" them your heart because that wayward f*cker**** ran off with Luke The Dog a while ago and hasn't been seen since.. and *then* you realize that that's OK because you don't really want your heart back, at least not yet AND - then you suddenly realize that you're OK with that: OK with the idea that you may never get your heart back or it might even get broken, but for some crazy, insane, unexplained reason - Someone is worth the risk... .. holy sh*t *those* are some serious butterflies.
However... aside from *those* kinds of butterflies... when we're too scared to let someone in - we're also missing out on the "butterflies" they bring with them - the new things they will teach us and share with us - the newness that they will add to our lives.... all our lives....
So here's to a weekend of possible hand-holding, soft kisses and.... butterflies.
******the wayward f*cker I'm referring to is my heart.... you know that thing that supposed to be 38 years old and making responsible choices - like not running away on a cloud of rainbows and unicorns and hope.... that heart that's supposed to jaded and cautious and careful..... *careful* ... but instead of throwing caution to the wind and being easily swayed by flannels and picnics and the worlds most amazing *Red* eyes........ sigh. stupid stupid stupid heart...... ******************