Obviously, my trust in him continues to erode due to some of the choices he makes.
He seems to find it unreasonable that I'm upset with his response to that situation with The Girl. For some time now, he seems to think that his *words* will speak more than his actions and I should take him at his *word* and forget the actions..... or rather - I should "stop reading into his actions" because I "don't' know everything like I think I do."
I don't feel like I'm "reading" into anything.... I'm more of a 'a spade is a spade' kind of girl - and after ten years of marriage, this is something El Capitan knows about me.
I call, you don't come. I think that speaks for itself.
Even after that, I only heard from him five days later when he called about situations with work. I called back three times and TEXTED so as to invite to meet up with us to Trick or Treat that night.... but he never returned the call. Clearly, he *did not* want to meet up with us.
Sadly for him..... those previously blogged about Halloween store employee's mentioned seeing El Capitan buying stuff in the store Halloween night for Halloween which they assumed was for festivities with The Boy.... I, however, knew they were not as we did not see him that night or any other night that involved Halloween. *sigh*
After that - it would be Sunday before I heard from him again.... and this conversation went down hill fast - he exploded. Later he would apologize, said he hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, was too stressed out about work... the usual. Ultimately, he freaks out at me because of work then (I believe) turns around and tells Yoga Girl and work that he's freaking out because of me. *double sigh*
It's like there's A LOT of buck passing going on.... but no one's getting any richer.
Even still..... through all this, I try to arrange for his time with the kids - which was today. The Girl was poorly and couldn't go, so The Boy went on his own. It's good for them to spend time with each of us on their own, so I didn't think this was a totally bad idea.
Truth be told, The Boy has been struggling for a few months. Behaviors have changed to being more challenging and defiant and just kind of ..... poling sister just to poke his sister. Those are things he *never* did before now. Honestly... hard to believe I know, but my friends would tell you - his behavior has changed. Clearly he's not processing this new "two households" situation as well as I was hoping he would... though certainly not as poorly as he could. But, as I've said a million times - El Capitan and I can fail at EVERYTHING ELSE, but failing our children through this catastrophic time is simply not a choice.
Everyday I feel like it's a battle for improving behavior. I'm not giving up. It's almost constant from when he wakes up until he's finally done poling and tickling and bugging sister and they both fall asleep. These are challenges I have shared with El Capitan over email, on the phone and in person, so I was looking forward to them having some time on their own.
Imagine my dismay when I received a text message from an old family friend. They were out and saw El Capitan and The Boy - they stopped to say hello when El Capitan knelt down face to face with The Boy to have a 'serious conversation'. The friend waited, to say hello when they were down, but when El Capitan stood up they just walked off - not noticing the friend who had stopped to say hi.
The friend watched, waiting (as they said) to see the Father they once knew with The Boy - interacting, talking, etc.... instead, they sent me a text saying they were not only surprised at what they saw - but that what they felt they saw was a real "disconnection" between El Capitan and The Boy.
*sigh* *sigh* and *tirple sigh*
I wasn't so bothered about the "serious conversation".... every parent has to have those - sometimes in public. Later, when El Capitan was returning The Boy he mentioned that they were at the place where our friend saw them and that The Boy became "distraught" over El Capitan refusing to purchase him something.
Fair enough..... I understand that we cannot, nor should either of us try, to purchase our children's love. I also understand that The Boy and The Girl need to understand we cannot afford to buy them everything they want... however, when you see the kids once every week or two... buying them something on the few hours they see you might not be totally out of order. El Capitan say's he doesn't have any money.....
So when I asked him how his new iPhone was.... he was seriously annoyed a) that I asked and B) that I knew.
That is an issue that has gone on during this entire process - El Capitan goes out shopping or to dinner in public with Yoga Girl and I have clients and friends who see them and tell me. He gets super pissed and accuses me of "harassing him" or having my friends "follow him". Regardless of the fact that it's some of his own friends who tell me things..... lolol
And for the record: I have never followed him. None of my friends have ever followed him. Gee.... do I have friends who shop at Nordstrom Rack at the same time he did? It's not rocket science... and it's sure as sh*t not the stuff a James Bond movie is made of. It's Uggs and designer jeans at discount prices...
Anyhow...... El Capitan is telling me that The Boy was difficult at points and I say, "Yes, these are issue's that have been going on for a while, I'm not sure what else to do....."
Then El Capitan reaches over and ruffles his hair and say's, "That's ok Buddy, you're doing good."
WHAT? HUH? *YOU* just said that he was a pill while you were out.... *I* then tell you that I'm having trouble getting this behavior in hand and you REASSURE HIM that his behavior is "good"? Talk about a mixed message.
So, I'm more clear about some of the issue's and instead of El Capitan taking this opportunity as a chance to discuss these issue's with The Boy - find out why they are happening? find out how we can work together to make them better? He just pats The Boy on the back *again* and blows it off.....
Then El Capitan say's, "That's ok bud, we'll work on it....."
Work on what, exactly? I just *told* you what we need to work on.... and you said/did nothing. so, what you *really* mean to say is that *I* will be working on this. Alone.
So I politely pointed that out to him.... that *I* am left parenting the children while he babysits when he can "fit it around work". You see... he *claims* that he has no life. He say's he "hardly see's" Yoga Girl and that they "barely have a relationship". Mind you, they share an apartment and own a car together.
So, you see *this* is where his actions different so dramatically from his words.... he tells The Boy "we'll work on it"... but he DOESN'T WORK ON IT. grrr.....
Instead, he own behavior (away from me) does not demonstrate that of a dotting father, but rather one of a Father who is just disconnected from his son.
Sh*t... I swear, typing that sentence just broke my heart a little more.
Anyhow..... the thing is - *I* am the one "working" on things because El Capitan say's he is always "working". The problem is, my job just tripled. Not only do I have to find a way to financially support the children and myself, I have to start thinking about my own retirement so that I'm not a burden on my children and society in my old age.
Oh yeah... and then I have to find the time to do that thing called Parenting. What should be *the most* important thing I do... is more and more the thing I have the *least* amount of time for.
Being a Mom was the only job I ever cared about doing...
We left on... difficult terms... meaning he peeled out of the parking lot. I didn't say anything nasty, at least not really. He say's, "Can't we just 'move past this'... why do you have to bring her up?"
I point out that *every* single day of my life is now scared and changed BECAUSE of her - so it's a little hard to move on.... move one from what?
I'm having to give up being a full-time stay at home Mom...we're going to have to give up homeschooling - *all* of my values as a parent are being removed from me by the need to financially provide for myself and the kids.... and in the mix - it all adds up to LESS time with the kids at a time when they need MORE of BOTH of us.... and instead they are getting a stressed Mom with half a smile and a Dad who (essentially) babysits them a few hours a week at best.
Wow.... the question then becomes - how the hell are *they* going to move on?
That's the irony, which I tried to point out to him..... if this were diferent - if I had given HIM full custody of the kids where he would have them 7 days a week and I would only have them a few hours on a Saturday - I'm guessing he sure as sh*t wouldn't know how to "move on" either......
But that's just it: He gets to move on alone - as HE wants to. He gets the evenings "off" that he wanted to "do the things" he wanted to do that he wasn't able to do while a part of our family.... he gets to bone a 22 year old that does Yoga and hang around - 7 days out of a week as though he is NOT anyone's Father.... and then he only has to 'parent' a few hours a week.
It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces to think of that 'parenting' time - so vacant of a Father/son connection that a bystander seeing them only see's the disconnect. My son deserves better and once upon a time... he *had* better. It's not fair that he has to 'move on' from that better to this.......
Posting this will result in severe unhappiness from El Capitan and instead of taking ownership for what anyone see's in public - it'll become accusations of my having him followed, or that my friends are spying.... but in the end - the person suffering the most is The Boy.
I'm just not sure how to help him "move on' from this...... and frankly, I wish I didn't have to.