FYI..... still on the road - still suffering (First World Style) with slow WiFi and a broken keyboard....
Just like our last trip to the LA area, it's not possible to come here and not visit all the usual places I went to when I was a kid - so when the kids and I drove to pick up Grandma in Burbank, our next stop was lunch at Bobs Big Boy in Taluca Lake.
It's one of the original Bob's - and features a working car hop. The Bubbie used to work here decades ago and The Boy has taken on my love of collecting Bob's Big Boy piggy banks... so the kids always ask to come here when we get Grandma.
Sadly.... while Grandma has been the wisest of people in our family extoling advice and Jewish guilt like a true pro..... she is fading fast. She's been having chest pains and other issue's - and perhaps the saddest thing is her memory loss...... Our lunch goes like this:
Gma: Did you drive down....?
Me: Yes - it took 17 hours, we stayed with Noni.
Gma: Who.....?
Me: Noni - Mom's best friend since gradeschool......?
Gma: Oh - did you drive down?
Me: Yes, we drove down from Portland.
Gma: Did you get a hotel room on the way down?
Me: No, we stayed with Noni.....
This goes on and on for 15 minutes or so until she changes gear:
Gma: Do you still have your house?
Me: No, remember we had to sell it.....?
Gma: Why did you have to sell it?
Me: Because El Capitan and I got divorced.... remember?
And.... then we talk about that for five minutes until ten minutes I get:
Gma: So how is the house......?
Sigh.......
We continued on like this through lunch, repeating the same conversations over and over and over to the point where The Boy was starting to look at me weird. The Girl was engrossed in her chocolate shake and even though The Bubbie and I had discussed not telling my Grandma about my 'newfound' Lezzie status.... I though -f*ck it - she can't track where I live - surely she'll forget this in record time.... right?
We'll see about that...... lololol
The thing is, I've never lied to my Grandmother. I have always adored my Grandparents and respected them and would never lie to them about anything., so when we were on our third go around of - "We sold the house, El Capitan cheated, we are divorced......"
Grandma asked me, "So.... do you have a boyfriend now?"
I thought about what to say. The Boy looked at me with an eyebrow raised and I could tell he was a bit confused. I could hear The Bubbie in my head telling me that upsetting Grandma at this stage of life was a bit unfair and what not (she has a small point) - but...... to honor that meant lying.
I won't lie to my Grandma. I'm not ashamed of who I am - nor am I ashamed of who my girlfriend is (Hail Mary for those of you who missed it :) - and I sat there at the table eyeing my strawberry lemonade and I thought - she's asking me about the person who cares deeply about me - who has a genuine and willing interest in my kids and a life together..... is it ok to disrespect this person and lie?
And so after she asked again I said..... "Actually Grandma, I don't have a boyfriend but I do have a girlfriend."
Just like our last trip to the LA area, it's not possible to come here and not visit all the usual places I went to when I was a kid - so when the kids and I drove to pick up Grandma in Burbank, our next stop was lunch at Bobs Big Boy in Taluca Lake.
It's one of the original Bob's - and features a working car hop. The Bubbie used to work here decades ago and The Boy has taken on my love of collecting Bob's Big Boy piggy banks... so the kids always ask to come here when we get Grandma.
Sadly.... while Grandma has been the wisest of people in our family extoling advice and Jewish guilt like a true pro..... she is fading fast. She's been having chest pains and other issue's - and perhaps the saddest thing is her memory loss...... Our lunch goes like this:
Gma: Did you drive down....?
Me: Yes - it took 17 hours, we stayed with Noni.
Gma: Who.....?
Me: Noni - Mom's best friend since gradeschool......?
Gma: Oh - did you drive down?
Me: Yes, we drove down from Portland.
Gma: Did you get a hotel room on the way down?
Me: No, we stayed with Noni.....
This goes on and on for 15 minutes or so until she changes gear:
Gma: Do you still have your house?
Me: No, remember we had to sell it.....?
Gma: Why did you have to sell it?
Me: Because El Capitan and I got divorced.... remember?
And.... then we talk about that for five minutes until ten minutes I get:
Gma: So how is the house......?
Sigh.......
We continued on like this through lunch, repeating the same conversations over and over and over to the point where The Boy was starting to look at me weird. The Girl was engrossed in her chocolate shake and even though The Bubbie and I had discussed not telling my Grandma about my 'newfound' Lezzie status.... I though -f*ck it - she can't track where I live - surely she'll forget this in record time.... right?
We'll see about that...... lololol
The thing is, I've never lied to my Grandmother. I have always adored my Grandparents and respected them and would never lie to them about anything., so when we were on our third go around of - "We sold the house, El Capitan cheated, we are divorced......"
Grandma asked me, "So.... do you have a boyfriend now?"
I thought about what to say. The Boy looked at me with an eyebrow raised and I could tell he was a bit confused. I could hear The Bubbie in my head telling me that upsetting Grandma at this stage of life was a bit unfair and what not (she has a small point) - but...... to honor that meant lying.
I won't lie to my Grandma. I'm not ashamed of who I am - nor am I ashamed of who my girlfriend is (Hail Mary for those of you who missed it :) - and I sat there at the table eyeing my strawberry lemonade and I thought - she's asking me about the person who cares deeply about me - who has a genuine and willing interest in my kids and a life together..... is it ok to disrespect this person and lie?
And so after she asked again I said..... "Actually Grandma, I don't have a boyfriend but I do have a girlfriend."
Gma: I have lots of girlfriends..... why would that mean you can't have a boyfriend?
Me: I don't *want* to have a boyfriend Grandma - I'm the kind of girl who likes other girls. I'm not going to date boys anymore at all... in fact, I probably never should have - I've known I felt this way when I was 8.
Then there is a long pause..... I'm waiting patiently for her usual commentary which would start with all the sacrifices Jews before us have made - and end with how grateful we should be for our healthy and our happiness.... etc, etc. However, several bites of my Big Boy later.... and I'm still waiting for her to speak.
Finally..... Gma: Well, you know you're doing the wrong thing. Only... she says it with disdain and a bit of disgust in her voice.... had this been anyone else: I might have gotten mad. But this is an *amazing* woman who has seen and suffered love and loss that I will never know - and yet brought me so much joy. I can't be upset with her like I would be anyone who says' that... I just can't.
Then she follows it up with this gem: I hope you aren't going to bring her around the kids because you're setting a bad example.
Me: Well, actually Grandma, I think living a lie is setting a bad example, too.
Gma: No... no.... what you're doing is wrong and I hope you don't let the kids be around you and your girlfriend because you don't want them to grow up that way.
What the motherf*ck. This woman can't track that I'm divorced, where I live OR how I got to LA... but a conversation that shames me......? THAT the woman tracks with missile like precision.
Naturalf*ckingly. Right?
I don't get upset though..... I just let the subject drop... and like my house - Grandma bring it up a few more times.....more "what I'm doing is wrong" talk.... and The Boy is shocked but he say's nothing.
Finally.... The Boy say's: Well, Dad has a girlfriend - so I think it's only fair that Mom has one, Grandma.
The rest of the meal was slow and somewhat painful - Grandma complained to the waitress that there was *too much* food on her plate: the burger was too bit and there were too many fries.....
Awesome.
I finish my Big Boy - but I left the large helping of Shame that had been heaped on me - right there on the table. I love my Grandma - and I can be proud of the fact that I didn't lie to her.
I didn't hide the person I care about, or make excuses, or pretend she's someone she's not.... and I didn't hide myself either..... I politely and respectfully stood my ground. When she's gone I won't regret that I wasn't honest with her about me and the important people in my life.
Most of all.... I'm proud that we live in a different time where my 8 year old son has a better handle on equality and the importance of it.... and that he has the capability to accept people and diversity - when my Grandma comes from a time where she cannot.
Two hours later she forgot my Lezzie status and the new conversation centered on the waht
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