On the other hand.... umm - hello? Are we all reading the same blog here? hahahaha
In any case, in spite of what people think I do (which is run off at the mouth without thinking.....), I actually spent a good portion of the day really thinking about whether or not I (and also *we*) are ready for this.....
First and foremost, it's incredibly unfair and an evil double standard that La Novia and El Capitan get a pass on this one.... it's not their fault - but simply because La Novia has been around since the start - it became an expectation that she should meet the children more than a question about whether anyone was ready.
Needless to say - no one was ready when they started bumping uglies in my Saturn a year ago... but hey - look at that.... we got through it. We made it.... they're happy and together. The kids and I survived and 12 short months later people are babysitting and co-parenting and making butterflies.....
Boof*ckingYah to the three of us.
So, while we certainly weren't "ready" when it happened, we made our way through it and came out the other side... dare I say it? *Better* for it..... kind of. I still worry about the kids, especially The Boy - and no matter how it all turns our for everyone, I'm very certain that divorce will leave it's mark.... it's just up to us to try and help it be the smallest mark it can be......
Of course, this train of thought then leads me back to the question of whether or not I should have married El Capitan after only "knowing" him for three and a half weeks.... I was pretty freakin' sure at the time that it was a good idea. Intensely so..... and over the years we had so much happen to us in those first few years that I think tragedy and crisis kind of take over and mask things that are wrong.... like - there is so much sh*tty stuff that's happening that's tangible and right in front of you and demands your action and attention right now - that you can kind of look past those things in your relationship that are bubbling to the surface.
By the time I started to think that *may be* we had bigger issue's.... we were having a baby. So. Done. Deal.
And sure... it hurt like holy f*ck last year.... betrayal and heartbreak always does. I remember when I was in the 8th grade I had two best friends: Dana and Becky. We were the three amigos... we went everywhere together and they WERE. MY. LIFE. Then the summer before 9th grade we had a monster of a right in June right after school let out.....
I remember going home and laying on my bed and crying until I fell asleep - and then I slept for like two days. Usually that's what I do - in the infamous words of Ben Folds: I go to sleep.
The rest of the summer, in every photo, I'm sullen and sad with my bangs pulled over one side of my face: trying to hide. No manner of sunshine and short shorts (gawd... I f*cking miss being able to wear those!), or skaters boys that came over to hang out my house (and there were waaaay too many).... nothing made me smile. A piece of 13 year old me was missing and I would never get those pieces back.
However, I went on to make other friends - Janda, Courtney, Jenny-Jen-Jen, Jenny B.... Miss Chloe... actually the list is pretty long of people who have occupied a similar space in my heart that Dana & Becky did.
Isn't that a funny thing to think about..... a best friend - a true friend... knows you, knows your deepest darkest secrets and your hopes and dreams: they know everything about you and you give yourself and your thoughts and your love and support to them freely..... yet when it ends people don't run around tellin you not to "make friends" with new people for a year.
No one asks you in a solemn and serious tone when you're heading out for coffee with someone you met at MOMS Club: ".... are you ready for this?......"
Somehow sex ruins it.... somehow makes it so that we have to put up walls and find ways to "protect" our hearts from being hurt again. That's silly really.... you can never protect your heart from being hurt because *anything* can happen.... you can find true love, take a chance and wind up married for 30 years only to bury your spouse on Christmas day.... that's some heart ache right there.
You can get married after one month or six months or one year..... and break up over money or infidelity or just about anything..... Mick (in Scotland) once tried to end our relationship standing in a Blockbuster type movie rental store because he wanted to rent Donnie Brasco and I thought it looked really dumb.... so he took this to mean that we had nil in common and we should break up and I should move out.
No. Really. That happened.
So. I don't know.I think that some shit works out in your life.... and some doesn't. Period.
I can't tell you *how* many weddings I have worked where people didn't make it past the first MONTH of being married after dating and/or living together for YEARS.... seriously. It's shocking. lol
I think either you're in it to win it.... or you're not.
No one is perfect. No one is going to roll up and have every single thing you think you want... there are going to be red flags and things you're not a huge fan of..... for instance, Carhartt is serious minimalist. Own enough laundry to fit in ONE BASKET clean or dirty. They are sans knick-knacks and they are most certainly without a collection of Twilight Barbie Dolls (yes...yes, I have *all* of them.). I have three or four baskets of laundry, and that's just what's dirty - because the clean stuff is spilling out of the closet and three dressers.... so yeah.... I'm pretty sure that's not the ideal living situation for them.
I think Carhartt took one look at my room and mentally started throwing my sh*t out. lol
However... if you really like someone you have to learn to compromise and accept that I will own ten pairs of shoes to your ONE however..... I could probably scale back the t-shirts and sweatshirt collection that is piled 15 deep. Yeah...I know - who really needs 15 sweatshirts? lololol
The point is.... no one is ready for friendship or love to come and we're most certainly never ready for it to leave.... but (and may be Karma will really punish me) - I think that life is best spent *living* it... which means some things are going to hurt... and hurt a lot.. and then sometimes it's going to be like really really amazing.... What if hurt and angry 13 year old me had decided to build walls to keep out friends - where the f*ck would I have been a year ago? My friends were the safety net I needed.... were it not for them, I'm not sure how I would have kept going. Most definitely worth the risk of losing one of them... is the *joy* of being their friend in the meantime. (BTW... none of you beautiful b*tches better leave me... I will be crushed. lol)
So. Am I... Are *we* "ready" for "this"......?
Well.... I'm not entirely sure what "this" defines.... but if someone is asking me if I'm ready to say: this person means a lot to me and makes me happy and is definitely someone worth my tie and my attention and my affection in the hope that it goes something super awesome and positive and amazing....?
Well, f*ck yes... and I already changed my facebook status to let the world know. lol
Am I ready to fall in love.....? Another excellent blog reader question today.... to which I say: does anyone ever have a choice? Not to go freaking Carhartt out or anything.... but in my personal experience I have about zero say over what my heart does.... *that* is the wayward f*cker I was talking about - because it just up and leaves whenever it feels like. lololol Not saying it's gone anywhere.... hahaha
In the end - I think a *much* better question is this: Why The F*ck Wouldn't I Be Ready ... for "this"?
Why shouldn't I be open and ready for a new adventure? Why wouldn't I be ready to listen to someone say nice things about? Why can't I be ready for someone to take me nice places and hold my hand?
BRING. IT. ON.
At the same time... I'm a Mom - so I'll keep talking to my kids and taking their 'emotional temperatures' and making sure they're talking about how they feel..... I'm going to make sure that *all* the people in their life are there to put them first, hang out with them, teach them cool new stuff and be someone they can count on as they grow older.
Most of all.... know what I'm absolutely, completely and totally ready for: Not worrying.
Whatever is going to be... is going to be. What I *don't* want to do is be 13 years old living behind my long bangs and avoiding eye contact and the chance to be happy at every turn.... (though I *might* be willing to change my mind if I get my short-shorts body back... *then* I might reconsider!). I don't have to be scarred because I already had my heart broken and I know it will heal again if it needs to.... but may be it won't need too - and in the mean time, my life will be filled with someone who makes me laugh, makes me smile, pulls me in line, likes my kids and *wants* to make a positive contribution to all our lives: in whatever form that takes.
How can I *not* be ready for that? lol