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Any Monday In June..... the clock is ticking. 

6/23/2013

4 Comments

 
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The Supereme Court said, previously, that they would issue an official ruling on DOMA (Defense Of Marriage Act) and California's Prop 8 - "any Monday in June."

Tomorrow is the last Monday is June.

The thing about DOMA is that it gets reduced to being *just* about "same sex marriage"- but it's really about sooooo much more.

One of the more frustrating things for the US Military is that THEY got rid of "don't ask, don't tell".... and yet because same-sex marriage is NOT recognized as "legal" on the federal level.... the husbands/wives/widows of our *own* American soldiers ARE NOT eligible for death benefits, medical benefits, VA benefits, etc- that their opposite-sex counterparts ARE entitled to.
Sigh.

This *really* isn't about your religion or my religion..... it's about equality and fairness and *taking care* of our own people in the same manner as we take care of our "straight" selves.... without discrimination.

So we wait.... as a community - unrecognized by our own government.... the one we pay *the same* taxes as our straight counterparts do - to support and finance.... while they collectively decide on just *how* much of a whole person I'll be counted as down the road.... simply because I *dream* of marrying a girl.

As you all know - I went to Portland Pride this year.... and it was:  fanF*CKINGtastic.  I really can't even begin to put into words how much I love and adore my PDX LGBTQ community.  I love going to coffee shops and seeing two hipster boi's all cuddled on the couch with their floppy top short hair cuts and boots with knee sox pushed down and shorts..... I love going to the clubs at night and seeing all the cute and *extremely* well-dressed gay boys making out with each other on the dance floor..... it's really the sweetest thing.  It's a beautiful thing to see humans being comfortable just being themselves.

I absolutely feel *inspired* by a couple I recently have gotten to know - one of them is a Drag King and a *fantastic* performer in Portland (Drag King:  female performers who dress in male drag - usually to impersonate an artist or a male persona)  and she is married to a woman who gave birthday to their beautiful child.  They are..... a gorgeous family.  Happy.  Content.  Loving Life.  I have poured through their photos on facebook and the story that unfolds is a love story by any Disney definition out there.... except for the fact that it's two women who are not fully recognized as married by our own government.

They are out and proud.  They have a wonderful child whom they clearly dote on.  They have a love for one another that radiates off the screen.... and when you see them in person:  you can feel it.  Their togetherness is so evident,  it's almost tangible.   Having spent soooo much of my own time working weddings for same-sex couples who fought each other right up the alter..... and yet *are* fully recognized by the feds.... it's a bit ironic.

Hell... even my own shambles of a marriage - has more federal "value" that this family. 
That's just so ass backwards.

I wish you could see them....I wish you could be near them.  I wish you could experience their family and their love.... it really is inspiring... at least to me.

To be honest, I'm not sure why we're still even arguing about this on a federal level.  We are *supposed* have a separation of Church and State - and there aren't any good reasons for denying same-sex couples the same rights as straight couples.  I've been reading and reading.... and I haven't found one yet.  

To my way of thinking, this is a personal thing - the opposition of same-sex marriage.... TWO TIMES, during this last week, I've been..... 'commented' on.

In the first occasion, I was sitting at the table working on my computer and someone came to do a home repair on the house.  While standing mere feet from me, this repair person and The Bubbie were shooting the sh*t.  The man got to talking about how he had taken his wife and kids to the Portland Water Front last weekend - over Gay Pride Weekend - and it was said in *total annoyance*.

Instantly.... I could feel the tension from The Bubbie.  She shot me a look out of the corner of her eye - wondering if I would say anything.... but I didn't. I looked forward and continued to type.

The man continued on about all the people he saw.... the women with JUST TAPE over their nipples and nothing else... and the posters and the signs and the open display of homosexuality ... blah blah blah.  He didn't understand why "these people" need a parade anyway...... how offensive it all was - and who cares if people are gay????

Ummm... Dude - *clearly* you do motherf*cker..... duh.

I still said nothing.  I knew that this person was *mid job* and saying something would make it awkward and difficult..... and so I stayed silent.

Of course, jackass over here.... after *getting* to the Water Front and finding the gays frolicking and offending him.... doesn't *leave* said Water Front and either goes to The Saturday Market (bereft of naked and taped nipples), or to Pioneer Square.... nope:  dunderhead stays on the Water Front.
Moron.

He goes on and on and about the "craziness" he saw and how *awful* it was to try and explain this all this is teenage children..... um... dude:  newsflash, your kids have the internet, they've seen racier porn on the youtube and in a Katie Perry video.  just sayin'......

Then he started talking about taking his family to lunch and how these two "queer girls" were kissing at the table next to theirs and how.... how *disgusting* it was - and how "they" shouldn't be allowed to display their sexuality like that.

And then I got up.  I'd had enough, and I just left the room.
Sigh.

I hope and pray that man isn't the father of a gay kid.... because I'll be *really* honest here - if THAT is how he talks at home and in front of his kids - he's going to raise a kid who hates themselves.... a gay kid who grows up in a home like that becomes a cutter or commits suicide *far* too much of the time because they become convinced that a dead kid would be better for their parents than a gay kid.

Fast forward to the end of the week and I'm waiting for a family session at a local park and I go into the library to use the bathroom.  Leaving the library, eight Mormon missionaries are entering and one stops to hold the door open for me.
How sweet.

The rest of the boys wait outside while I exit - wearing my Nike #BETRUE (in rainbow letters) shirt from Gay Pride Weekend.  As I leave the doorway, one taller boy in his white dress shirt and black name tag smiles (very nicely), nods at my shirt and say's, "I'll pay for you."

I smile back and say, "sweet, can you ask God to send me a hot Butch girl in a sports bra, spiky hair, a good heart and big hands?"  

The kids doesn't know what to say - and I'm already halfway down the path when they're walking in..... and I'm giggling to myself because I know those 8 boys are going to go home and google up some lesbian porn to figure out what lesbians do with bigger hands.... and probably try to figure out what a butch girl even is (which... in my world - butch girls are perfection.... just sayin').    And then - like you do these days.... I posted the whole thing on facebook.

The thing is - I wasn't offended by him saying he would pray for me.  That's cool.... f*ck knows I prayed and prayed and prayed..... I prayed as a little Catholic girl who read books and books about Saints and *dreamed* of becoming a Saint like St. Agnes (my favorite Saint.)

I prayed and prayed as a Born Again Christian in high school..... I raised my fists at a God who promised to love me and protect and provide for me.... and HE WASN'T.  He was forsaking me and leaving me to have feelings that my religion and my family and community said were wrong.

How the hell could God do that?

I was a good kid.  I didn't steal or sneak out at night.  I didn't f*ck guys in the back seats of their cars.  I didn't get pregnant.  I didn't 'go down' on boys in the movie theater.  I didn't cheat on my tests (nope....I flunked out of Geometry with pride, let me tell ya.....).  I went out of my way to befriend the "nerdy" kids.  I kept my "date anyone who asked me" policy.  I showed kindness and did charity work.... and I prayed and prayed and prayed..... but I couldn't pray away the gay.

I grew up and got married.... and got married again.  I tried sooooo hard to be a good wife, and a good Mom and a good daughter..... and I continued to pray.  I read books and bought lotions and talked to my OBGYN about what the hell was medically wrong with my girls parts because nothing was working..... and my doctor *actually* said to me that it was "duty" as a wife, and I should just do it three times a week because that's what a good wife does..... (true story - great doctor, but the dude was *really* old. lololol).

So I prayed..... and I got reduced to being a handmaiden.  Well.... almost:  El Capitan never made me feel that way.  He thought it was all the surgery and stuff - so he didn't push, he didn't ask.  Not once.  He was patient.... which just made me feel even sh*ttier.... I LOVED this man.  I loved my life and my family and my little tiny home..... so why couldn't I figure out how to love sex like everyone else on the planet?

I couldn't pray away the gay.
I couldn't medicate away the gay.
Lord knows....I tried.

So, some nice missionary kid saying he'll pray for me is fine by me.... because I know it won't change me.  I already did that.... and it didn't work:  BECAUSE IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO.

Pslam 139: 13-19
For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.  15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17How precious to me are your thoughts,a God! How vast is the sum of them! 18Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you."


I would read this and soooo many other passages and wear the thin pages of my Bible to nothingness with my tears.... because I couldn't understand how God could *know* me as HE promised He does... and then leave me here to suffer.... to be alone and feel alone.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know this for sure:  You can't pray away the gay.
It's fine with me if you try.... I sure as sh*t did.

But.   I'm an American.  So while I am not only *tolerant* of anyone's ability to pray about whatever they want... they can even openly and publicly try to pray away my gay.... in fact:  I will fight for your right do that.
Because I am tolerant, even of people who don't like me, don't agree with me:  you don't have too.

What my government and it's people do NOT have a right to do - is VOTE AWAY MY GAY.
So stop it.

Stop punishing me, and people like me, for being who I am - because I can assure you.... you're never going to punish me as much as I have punished myself.  

You don't have to agree with me.
You don't have to applaud me.
You don't have to even accept me.... but you have to accept my RIGHT to BE.

I hope the Supreme Court does the right thing and stops Voting Away The Gay.
As I head off to bed tonight... I know that's what I'm praying for.


4 Comments
Nancy Maurice
6/23/2013 04:11:39 pm

I love and read all of your blogs. I feel closer to you each day. I wish everyone had a heart and a mind like yours! I dream of a day with no judgement and overflowing with love. I dream of a day where love is the answer to everything. I'm hoping for a day when this happens and I get to watch my son marry who he wants because his heart tells him to. I dream of that day for you too Elish so your kids can enjoy your happiness as well as you!!! Thank you for your heart!!! I love you cuz!!! :)

Reply
Alex
6/23/2013 10:57:46 pm

Hey Elle!

Keeping my fingers crossed about SCOTUS today. To be honest I'm not holding my breath since they've taken it away with the surprisingly unconstitutional rulings they've already doled out this month.

For what it's worth, I don't believe homosexuality is a sin and I believe God loves homosexuals as he loves everyone else. I'm just not up to writing a whole essay to support my theological argument here, but trust me, the argument stands up to scrutiny.

Don't worry about these people praying for you. They need prayers said for them, because of their mores and fear of the social stigma of breaking them, they are constantly missing out on people who would be a great addition to their lives. Or they're throwing away loved ones. Even if you were the one who threw a loved one away, you're still down a loved one and nothing fills that void. Imagine that, missing or losing a great friend over and over and over again.

I'm sure many sense they are missing out on someone special and here is the opportunity to change attitudes. I've *seen* attitudes change 180.

So say a prayer for them. Lets hear it for change.

Reply
Kay
6/24/2013 01:53:40 am

Businesses across America often have to go through a complete makeover, some even go through *Bankruptcy" to get a fresh start.

Marriages = Divorce so the two people can start over.

I think ... well... I think the Business of Government needs to do the same, just my humble MONDAY morning opinion.

Reply
Kristen
6/24/2013 08:32:44 am

Elle,
I have followed your blog since day one, and I must admit I have laughed with you, cried with you and most certainly been protective as well of you. I was happy when you overcame obsticles and joyous when you let go of some of the pain and hurt and met La Novia. I have spent countless hours probably more than my husband would like reading your book and your blog. I feel I have lived your life and its pain and triumphs. I will admit I was slightly shocked when you came out stating your life style choice but not turned off by it. However, the last few blogs have left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. Let me start by saying this, I am a christian and I have my own personal beliefs on the matter. I however in no way shape or form judge people based on my beliefs. The way I see it is sin is sin and judging you only condems myself. I believe everyone has the right to love, I honestly feel bad for same sex couples whose partners have no say in healthcare, benefits, will etc. I feel from a biblical sense same sex marriage is not something I agree with. HOWEVER before you cast me as one of the judgemental christians I want you to truely understand where I am coming from. I feel like this world that we live in has taken a turn where we all point fingers at everyone else. "your not as compassionate", " you are judgemental because you dont believe in something" " its a race issue" blah blah blah. I think the problem with society is we are soo concerned about ourselves that we forget we need to be just as open minded to others. For example the man you were talking about why is he a dumbass or an idiot for saying how he felt? Alot of people are uncomfortable with it. Heck I am uncomfortable with HETEROSEXUAL couples making out, or showing their boobs with only tape over the nipple. MOST people are. Doesnt mean Im a dumbass or intollerant just means that Im uncomfortable with that. Just because I dont agree with that lifestyle does not mean in any shape or form that I dont think everyone black, white blue gay straight bi should not be afforded the same luxuries. Everyone should be treated equal period.What aggrivates me is people on BOTH sides of the argument that slang hate, or say that they are intollerant because people dont believe the same. Its America we have free will, kiss whomever the hell you want but be mindful some people dont want to see people half naked or making our with their significant other. Whether they are gay or not. I cant even begin to imagine the question and pain that most of these people you included go through because they are told its wrong. It takes guts, courage and a whole lot of resiliance to come out as a gay person. I commend anyone who stands up for what they believe in. But please remember in the same way that you dont like to be judged dont judge others. Because that worker man had a different opinion doesnt mean hes a bad person or that hes wrong, in the same way that you have a different opinion. I think thats where the problem lies. People now a days need to get off their "your doing me wrong horse" and get on the we are all people band wagon. You know what this world needs more of? Grace on tap. Thats right, grace to accept people, help people, nurture people, we need compassion we need to stop looking at color, sexuality, and most of all pointing fingers and name calling those that think differently. Everyone has struggles and not everyone is going to get along, we are all different, we all think different, feel different, love different and need different. But if you want to get somewhere with me dont tell me Im wrong for my beliefs, dont assume because I think same sex marriage in a biblical sense is wrong that I would raise my kids to hate homosexuality and that having a gay kid I would teach them to hate themselves. Dont assume that because I dont like seeing people making out in public that I am closeminded. How judgemental of you to make those statements. You want acceptance people need to learn to show acceptance. Please remember that just because people might not believe in same sex marriage doesnt mean that they dont believe in equal rights for all. I dont have to share your beliefs, this is America but please dont condemn me for having different opinions of you. I hope by saying this I havent offended you, I just wanted to explain a few feelings. I think your amazing, I think you teach your kids the very lessons that I hope to instill in my children. I will continue to read your blog and journey your journey with you. Cant wait to see what direction your life takes.

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
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