Then, at 1:30pm I wanted to text her and say.... "One year ago right now I have a hearty lunch after working off so many, many carbs......"
And at 4:48pm I had a *really* hard time not texting her and saying...."One year ago *right* now I was flat on my on our living floor celebrating my tenth year of marriage."
You know... the tenth year of my marriage which she said that *he* said was "loveless" and "lacked affection"..... other than acquiring a set of whips, chains and belts: I'm not sure how much more undying love and affection I could have show him.
But I did not text her.
Today was.... our 11th Wedding Anniversary. I spent most of the day working on client work, then I ran out to take the kids to see Santa... bought the large package so that the kids could take him a wallet and a 5x7 in a frame. AT which point I later realize that it *must* say sucker right across the front of my damn forehead. Still.... pictures with Santa are spendy - why pay twice? Why shouldn't the kids give him one? That's just f*cking petty and I'm A LOT of things... but I sure as sh*t not petty.
Oh.. by the way, teeny disclaimer: I'm in a super foul mood and this post is likely to be laced with swear words and anger and bitterness... if that bother's you, try again tomorrow. :)
I spent most of the day back in my fog. My constant companion: fog. I can be in a room full of friends listening to them chat about their days and their lives and the awesome reality of everything I've lost will kind of just... come over me, wash over me, leaving me sitting there, but in a fog. Not there. Not completely.
The Boy knows my fog now. He can see, feel it. He knows when I'm not there anymore. Not fully there. Which I hate - I really hate that... but it's better than crying in front of people all the time. My face is fat enough and for f*ck's sake, when I have an ugly cry: I have an *ugly* cry. The affects of which last for days with it's puffiness taking over my eyes and swallowing me up. So... needless to say, I avoid the ugly cry as much as possible. This poor b*tch has enough going against her... know what I mean?
Our ten year was bittersweet. We were broke. So freaking broke. A bit of a running theme in our marriage - the only anniversary that I ever got a present for was our first year. Our "first" Christmas we'd only been together a month or so, so our gifts were basics: Dvd's and clothes and whatnot. The *next* Christmas, El Capitan got me the Tiffany Charm bracelet I wanted.
Growing up my Father's Mother, my Oma, had a gorgeous gold charm bracelet. It held a charm for every child: a gold disc with a small diamond set in the middle, with their name and birth date on the back. She has charms for various holidays and other life events. I could always hear her coming down the hall because as she swung her arms the bracelet would jingle off her legs. When she wrapped her arms around you for a hug, the charms would fall on your back tapping you ever so slightly as her arms came to a rest around your shoulders.
Mostly I can remember the sound it made, like a soft chiming.
I had always wanted a charm bracelet and I'm much more of a silver girl than a gold one - so El Capitan bought me the Tiffany's charm bracelet. He had a heart charm with our wedding date put on it, and bought me the commemorative 911 charm with the American flag on it. As the years went by, that would be my "main" present, another charm for my bracelet.
In the early years, before using that bracelet as an actual charm bracelet became popular, the charms and engraving were under $50 - so, we could usually afford it. I had a charm for The Boy, a charm for my 30th Birthday.
When The Boy was two years old, he would love to play with it. One day we had friends visiting form out of town and we went shopping at Nordstrom Rack. The Boy was in a shopping cart and very bored. I took my bracelet off and wrapped it around the handle of the shopping cart two times and shut the clasp on itself.
He was content and happy.
We loaded up the car and it wasn't until we had driven to our next store that I realized that I had left my beloved bracelet on that shopping cart. We drove back, we searched, Nordstrom staff searched, but the bracelet was gone.
Eventually we got a replacement bracelet, but it was never the same.
Every other anniversary, we always said 'no gifts'. It was too close to Christmas and as it was, I would use the $100 my parents would give us every to off-set the cost of Christmas, so gifts for an anniversary were out of the question.
El Capitan would always come home with flowers... not roses mind you. I don't know why. But always purple flowers: carnations, peonies, tulips. Whatever the under $10 bouquet at Safeway was.
He would always buy me a card, though. The card was the best part. He would always get a 'cartoon' card, the kind where the 'dog-people' couple sit at a fancy dinner, "fight" over car repairs, sit on the couch together, etc. The kind of "I love you in spite of your dirty underwear on the floor" type card.... but he would draw on them and change the wording so that it suited us. So that it suited our lifestyle and our relationship.
It wasn't much, but it was what we could afford and it was a sweet token of his affection, and I never complained. Anniversary after anniversary came and went and I would say, "Don't worry Daddy, when we hit ten years, then you can get me a big present."
Oh yeah... before he was El Capitan, he was just "Daddy" most of the time. It kind of came on after The Boy came along, a term of endearment, not an obvious need to be Fathered by him. I think we all know enough by now to know that El Capitan wasn't able to have done much of that even if I needed him, too.
Anyhow...... I had big dreams of perhaps a nice piece of jewelry or a family trip to Disneyland... some kind of something to mark such a huge day. Such a fantastic milestone.
Looking back... right after our anniversary is when things started slowing rolling downhill for us. Christmas was a bit lack-luster for him, he kind of sat there disconnected. It almost seemed like making it to our ten year was the kiss of death for us. Like it was too much "success" and he was starting to check out with us and being checking in elsewhere..... sigh.
So I never got my big gift. I never got anything because our ten year came around and we couldn't afford much more than lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. Stupid me... I was *happy*, I was content. I thought life was a wonderful thing and a great place to be..... I was unaware that I was sleeping with my own emotional enemy. I don't think he knew it yet then either.....
So today has been hard. I'm f*cking pissed, actually. Tired of the lies and bullshit and of him. To be honest. Tired of the lies... so many lies.
He owns a car with her.
He owns an iphone.
They live in a fancy apartment.
THEY THEY THEY. no room for the children, mind you. No room at all.
Like everything else, he's been denying the iphone for a while... then the other day he said that he "left the cell phone" under his car seat and that was why it took him three days to call me back... because he had forgotten it there.
Hmm.... can *anyone* in this day and age go THREE DAYS without their cell phone? Really?
Of course he can... the kids and I and a few work people are the only reasons he uses it. His friends and Yoga Girl all call the new phone number: the iphone.
The kids, the cell phone and I are.... we are easily left under a car seat: easily forgotten about.
Superf*ckingawesomefanf*ckingtastic, that is.
And honestly... he's always getting pissed me for "following him" or "harassing him" - but when I've *asked* you a million times about owning another cell phone and you lie every time... don't go telling me you left it under you car seat for three days - clearly I now know you *have* a second cell phone. duh.
That's was pisses me off - *I* don't get a second cell phone. *I* don't get to "not answer my phone" for three days because I ... lets review my favorite El Capitan lies:
I was asleep (yes, for all two or three day's)
I was working
I left my phone under the seat in my car
How about this. How about.... *I* don't answer *my* phone for three days. How about I get a new phone and a new number and I just kind of leave my current phone in my car for three days and not answer when he calls.
Do you know the sh*t storm that would cause? Because *I'm* the custodial parent, so if I don't' answer my phone then I'm just being a b*tch and keeping him from his kids, right?
So what the f*ck does that make him when he doesn't answer his phone?
It's a bitter, cruel and unfortunate joke that *I* have to remain available to his every call while he can rip my chest open, crush my heart with his betrayal and then stash it, along with my every dream and all my hopes in the vacuous snatch of a home-wrecking 22 year old that is not nearly as pretty as her Yoga Girl moniker might suggest. Not. At. All.
See... I warned you.
She is the place where my dreams when to die. I hope they dwell there, festering and infecting her.
Needless to say.... it's been a foggy day. Foggy, foggy day.
And of course *tonight* is The Middle, which The Boy just loves. We never miss it and tonight's episode was about Frankie and Mike's 20th Wedding Anniversary. Fanf*ckingtastic, that is.
So I sat, taking in the irony of such an episode.... and said nothing. Kept my ugly cry to myself and watched through the fog. When it was over I got up and checked on my job on the computer and The Girl said something about 'Mommy's wedding' and The Bubbie said, rather innocently, "Today is Mommy and Daddy's wedding anniversary."
I looked up, surprised she said something and then I thought for a split second.. 'they still won't understand what that means.....' split second because my thoughts were interrupted by The Boy.
Instantly The Boy sat up, a look of horror on his face and he said, "Oh my God Mom! Today is your ani-versy!?!?! That's terrible because Daddy isn't here, he's with his girlfriend........"
Stupid tv show.
The Bubbie was caught off guard, as was I. "Yes... " I told him, "Today would have been our wedding anniversary, but Daddy and I aren't married anymore, so now it's just another day. Don't worry about it, buddy."
"No," he said, "it's not. And it's not fair that Daddy did a selfish thing and chose his girlfriend over us because you're a good Mommy and there's no way that his girlfriend is as good of a Mommy as you are. Why would he do that? Why did he choose that?"
"I don't know buddy....." I explained, "I don't know. But you still see your Dad, and things will get better for all of us, and your Dad loves you, you know that."
"Yeah....." The Boy said, "but it's not the same, he left us. He chose her instead of us, and that was a not very good decision to make."
See, that's the thing. I can spoon feed my kid all this bullsh*t about how their Dad still loves them and how this was a promise their father broke to *me* and NOT them... but in the end, courtesy of every fairytale and movie and tv show around... The Boy knows better. The Boy understands that Daddy left his*family* that *we* were a family and that Daddy's actions tore that *family* apart.
The Boy get's that. That's not my fault. It's just not.
But I'll pay the price... because then I have to sit there - on my f*cking anniversary - not only paying for the sins of their father in my own heart and mind and my crying f*cking soul (which at this point is well past ugly cry) - and talk to The Boy about how sometimes we make choices and they hurt other people - but may be we didn't mean to hurt the other people and how in life we have to learn to accept some things even if we don't want. That we have to accept things and move forward and try again the next day.
F*ck. I'm so tired of having that conversation. I'll have it as many times as my son needs it... but it's like cramming a hot poker down my throat every single time. Every. Single. Time.
"Well you know Mom," say's The Boy, "the other day when we were with Dad, he was making good choices and he said that he's trying to make up for what he did."
"Oh?" I asked.... "and how's that?"
"Well," stated The Boy, "First of all, he helped me with my lunch first before he ate his own lunch - so he was putting me first. He wasn't being selfish and eating his lunch first - he was helping me. So that was a good choice."
"You are right," I smiled, "You are a smart boy."
Inside my head however... I'm screaming: Really? Really!?!?!!? Because mutherf*cker didn't answer his phone when I was trying to call him to see if he's coming tomorrow or not... and he didn't answer his phone when you guys wanted to bring him your Santa picture. Nope. Didn't answer, didn't return the message.
Guess he left us under his car seat again.........?
I got the kids ready for bed and settled them down on our double bed where we all sleep. I turned on their favorite movie and headed back to the computer... 7 clients jobs to finish before I can pack up business for the holidays. I dropped my job into the Action Runner (photographers, you should Google it and BUY IT - it'll change your life), then I grabbed my keys and headed out for the weeks second showing of Breaking Dawn II. The Bubbie and The Papa had the kids, and I could go escape for a few hours in to a place where I don't see his hand cupping her face.
Where I don't see him kissing her.
Making love to her on her emerald green comforter.
Wondering, as these unpleasant thoughts take over my mind... if he's doing those things to her on my anniversary. If he's next to her right now, loving her and being with her the same way he used to be with me. I'll tell you what... it's the betrayal that's kills.
A regular divorce would've been different..... having this done to you is just brutal. At this point I realize that he's not at all the same 'man' he used to be, and frankly he's a been a bit of a tool for a long time. But... if I'm being honest, not the kind of tool that ever got the job done, if you know what I mean. Thankfully, I've always had a drawer of fully charged batteries, so that didn't bother me.
Now however.... the weight of ten years of compromising with a smile on my face, both in my bed and out of it.... *that* has me a little ticked off today. Ten years of smiles in the face of cheap sh*tty flowers and $3 Hallmark cards.... good grief I'm dumb.
So that's me.... if you're still reading... thanks for following me allll the way to the bottom of this hole today. It hasn't gone this deep and this bitter for a while... but I suppose that's to be expected given the importance of the day and all.
When I got home from the movie, I checked on the kids, snuggled together but The Boy had one arm draped over The Girls' face so I was pulling them apart. The Boy woke up and said, "Mommy.... I'm sorry Daddy isn't here for your ani-versy......."
"That's ok bud, " I said.... "That's ok because I still have the best part of my wedding, which is you guys, now go back to sleep."
With that he rolled over and went back to sleep.
Happy anna-versery to me... not a happy one, not a totally un-happy one either.
I still have my kids and a replacement charm bracelet.... I can't wait for this first holiday season to be over and get past us. I think it'll get easier when it's "the first" anymore.... right? It has to get better when this becomes our new normal and not just so new and raw and painful.