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13 .... not the luckiest of numbers.

1/3/2013

15 Comments

 
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Today.... day 13:  sucks.

I should have guessed.... 13 is the day of my wedding anniversary.  13 is the day in July I fatefully put The Sign on my lawn and became the Scorned Woman Heard Around The World.... lol.

Today is the 13th day in a row that we have not heard from El Capitan.  And today..... today sucked.  I hesitate wihat to post..... I've put a lot of thought into today post.  Not to say that I don't usually put a good deal of thought into my posts:  I do.  I really do - it's just that I usually write them late at night and I'm not at my 'editing best'. Sorry about that..... lol

Today though..... it's almost enough for *three* blog posts... and frankly, it's so awful, I'm afraid that after writing it, many of you might call 'bullsh*t' on it and think it's untrue. 

Sadly... sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

However, I've always been honest.  Perhaps to a fault.... but I have.  So... here goes.

This morning I woke up having one of those nights when you have those oddly vivid dreams, the kind where you wake up and wait for a second for your head to clear and realize it was just a dream.  The Girl was awake and asking for me to turn on the TV.... I got up and got ready to go to the gym (bag was packed last night - booyah!). 

When I cam back into the room, The Boy was still snuggled under the covers and had some tears on hise nose.  I wiped them away, but didn't think anything about it at first:  just dewy eyes first thing in the morning.

The Boy sat up and said, "Do you know why I'm crying today, Mommy?"

Umm.... you were crying, I thought to myself?  "No - honey - why?"

"I had a dream and in my dream I was in the stump at the tree's with the animals [at The Great Wolf Lodge - they have a giant tree, a tree stump where a lost little boy finds the animals and they teach him songs about not being scared] - and I had run away from Daddy."  He explained.

"Oh.... okay.... what were you doing in the stump?"  I asked.

"I was hiding from Dad - but then he found me and I told him that we were best buddies anymore because you used to take me to the store, to buy corn dogs and jojo's [the french fries in the deli], and chocolate milk and....."  and while The Boy was listing off these items he extended one hand and one finger at a time - ticking them off one by one. 

"But now he doesn't take me anymore.... so we're not best buddies - and that made me sad and I was crying in my dream and not in my dream I was crying too... because I miss Dad."  The Boy went on to explain.

I sat there for a moment, kind of taking it all in.... he was so clearly processing things in his own terms - because while their Dad does come to see them - he does *not* do the things he used to with them.   The simple, every day things that they always did together (like going to Safeway to get dinner from the Deli - which they did so often, the people there knew him by name and The Boy had a pretty special bond with one of the cashiers)  - and I was shocked that The Boy was relating to that and talking about not having that.

I didn't really know what to say ..... I wasn't sure how to respond because it was a dream - but a dream based on his reality - but, I was in murky waters and didn't want to say the wrong thing.  So, I said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, is there something I can do to help?"

"No Mom!", which he said rather incredulously - as though I wasn't getting his point - and he went on, "I told Dad how I felt at the tree stump, but he didn't care... he just went on his way and started disco dancing with a giraffe." 

I sat on the edge of the bed, both equally sad that my son feels this way at the tender age of seven about his father - and wondering where the hell he learned about disco dancing?  And why was his Dad 'disco dancing' with a giraffe?  I left my questions about the later off the table and asked him again, what I could do to make things better for him.

"Nothing Mom.... I'm just sad that I don't have a best buddy anymore."  The Boy stated rather matter of factly as he walked out the bedroom door.

Conversation over.  This is how conversations work with young children.  They say these insanely heartbreaking, mind blowing things - and then they just kind of walk away.  At least that's how it is with The Boy..

So this brought things to an all new level for me.  Lots of people - El Capitans friends and some of the blog readers seem to think that *I* am influencing how my son feels or thinks.  *THIS* is a shinning example of The Boy processing his own emotions - and his own, personal, deep thoughts about his Father - on his own terms.  I was... stunned.

I certainly haven't walked around the house talking about how they "don't go to Safeway" anymore or any such thing.  In fact... I'll be honest:  I never thought about it. 

For the past several years, El Capitan would take them up to Safeway to the Deli for lunch or "snacks' - it was kind of one of the things they always did with their Dad.  A bit of a 'tradition' I guess. 

It makes sense to me that The Boy would think about this and miss this - but, prior to the past 13 days, El Capitan *did* take them places:  the Zoo, the mall, the park, etc.  So, I hadn't put any value on the "where" so much as they were spending time together.  Clearly, The Boy feels differently.

The Boy, based on our conversation this morning, *is* missing the 'usual' things they used to do with their Dad.  He's putting value on their loss and he's processing it to mean that he no longer has a "best friend" in his Dad.  That's some heavy sh*t...... and here I thought *I* had had a bad dream last night.

I - because I'm smart and nine months into this insanity I've learned a thing or two - and whenever any conversation around me starts to get deep or weird or... anything I think I want to listen to and think about later, I grab my cell phone and his record. 

So, for the record:  I have The Boy telling me this crazy dream on tape.

Which is a good thing because I listened to it twice more, this time trying to listen for any details I missed.  I sat and thought for a long time about what it mean... and while I can't make heads or tails of disco dancing or giraffe's - one thing I *didn't* hear was the usual things the books warn you to listen for when talking to kids.... things like, "if I was better... faster... smarter... if I try harder - Dad/Mom will come home... love me... be with us again."

There was none of that.  Instead, what I heard was *my* son telling his Father that they were no longer friends and that his Father had let him down.    Even in his dream - The Boy has already decided that his Dad is walking away from him.

Listen up people:  there is NO WAY ON EARTH I could have taught him this.  You know?  He's not repeating back to me adult conversations or adult ideals that he's overheard.... these are *his* thoughts and his inner most feelings about his deteriorating relationship with his Dad.  And I'll be *totally* honest.... I think I would actually almost prefer it if those weren't his thoughts... seriously.

My heart is broken for him.  Into a million pieces.  Would it not be better that he just hear and repeat those things the books say they *aren't* supposed to hear... the "your Dad is an assh*le" or the "your Dad is a deadbeat with a wh*re for a girlfriend"... or the other things the books say you're never supposed to say around your kids.

For the record:  I do *not* say those things.  Period.

However, wouldn't it be easier if the Boy *did* grow up with those kinds of "opinions" - like then he could just forgive his Dad and write me off as a b*tch.... right? 

Of course I don't want him to feel that way about me... but, I worry about how his relationship with his Father can recover from this whole entire mess if *these* are the kinds of dreams that The Boy is having. 
sigh.

Good news.... The Boy - it seems - is not blaming himself for his father leaving.  This... if it's true, is a *HUGE* win for any child of a divorce.  However, it's a win that comes at the cost of a broken heart... and that's bad news.

So the day was off to a bizarre and rough start..... I waited all day for the phone to ring, certain that El Capitan is not going to let 14 days come before he makes contact.  He's never done that before... we've come close - well over a week in the past but never two weeks.  It's happened more than once.... but never for this long.

I waited and waited..... and at 5:00, the phone did ring, but it wasn't El Capitan:  it was the storage unit.

The man at the desk informed me that the unit I had rented for El Capitan was "scheduled" to be vacated on 12.31, but that the lock was still on the door.  Legally - they have to notify by phone, then in writing, before they send the locker up for auction.

I drove over there, and we went to the locker.   We had to open it - because if it was empty - they take off the lock and we're done.  If it's *not* empty, then someone has to pay the bill or the property stays inside and get's auctioned.  At two days past the due date, you cannot remove the property.

So, the door opens and at first I don't recognize all the contents.  It's been re-organized since I carefully put El Capitan's stuff in it the day I rented it for him and moved his property into it.  (Because he never came for his stuff when we had to move out of the house.)  Now, however... there is a doll house that doesn't belong to The Girl, a rocking chair and ottoman to match, boxes from Crate & Barrel....

F*ck me.  It's not just El Capitan's stuff in the locker *I* rented and pre-paid three months on - nope.... it's Yoga Girl's crap, too.  Awesome.  Just.... fanf*ckingtastic.

So the man asks me what I want to do.  Inside the locker, nestled alongside El Capitan's Simpsons collection - the one I re-packaged and cleaned one by one wearing gloves because a family of mice had gotten into the original box and sh*t all over them...... but I cleaned them and repacked them.... and there they were alongside a collection of dishes I'd never seen, resting on a rocking chair I never rocked my children in.....

I noticed something on the floor, small and white and under the boxes, at the feet of the rocking chair.  I pick it up and turn it over...... it's a picture.

It's not just any picture - it's a picture of The Boy.

After 29 hours of failed labor, (because of what happened in the Vagina Monologue in The Book) - I ended up having an emergency c-section and The Boy wound up in the NICU for three days.  He was six days old when I took him to my friends studio in Portland (one of the very best) - and my friend was nice enough to humor a hysterical new Mom who wanted as many photos of her baby as possible and we spent hours there.  When we were done taking pictures, my photographer friend was burning us CD's and in the meantime, he printed our favorite photo as a page of wallets on his very expensive photo printer.

El Capitan cut one out and put it in his wallet right then and there.  The rest are still apart of their sheet and in The Boy's baby book.

Standing in front of the storage unit, looking at some of my husbands prized collections of Simpsons and DVD's and video games all intermingling with HER stuff..... and discarded on the floor is our sons' very first baby photo... his infant portrait, the one El Capitan carried in his wallet every day for seven years.... left behind.

Just like us ...... left behind.
sigh.

I took a second more and noticed that sandwiched between two boxes was the 20x10 white canvas that I had made for El Capitan for Father's Day 2011 - it had hand and foot prints of both kids on it and a message for him from each of them.... and there is stood, not in a pride of place in El Capitan's new home - but in his storage unit.

Out of sight... out of mind:  just like us.

I stood there, determined not to cry.  Determined not to notice the full sets of Twin Towers Lord of the Rings DVD sets, complete Simpsons series on DVD... the *entire* Simpsons collections - all of it had been purchased for El Capitan - by me.  A material history of 10 years of birthday presents and Christmas presents and Father's Day gifts all sat before me - edged and surrounded by a new woman's .... stuff.  

It burns and it hurts and it makes it all so hard to do that thing El Capitan is always telling me to do:  just move on.  New Flash:  I would love *nothing more* than to just move on..... but somehow, I keep finding myself in these crappy situations by the actions of others, mostly by the actions (or in action in this case) - of El Capitan.

Regardless of what I had found and how it all made me feel, I had a decision to make.  Pay for the unit or let it go to auction..... the Scorned Wife wanted to drop her pants, piss on that rocking chair, light a match and walk away..... however, My Kids Mother, took out her debit card and paid the bill.

I took the picture with me, I just couldn't leave it there on the floor.  that moment- those days - that image of our son means so much to me.... it's a calling card for a better time when El Capitan wanted nothing more but to sit on the couch with our son nestled under his chin while the two of us were constantly checking to make sure our newborn was "still breathing":  all the things new and inexperienced parents do.

It's a reminder of a time when we still had a chance to get it all right:  being parents, being married... being whole.

While those days are clearly gone and we have failed on all three accounts, I took that picture because it's a reminder to me that *I* still have to keep trying to get it right, I still have to keep trying to make the children whole and happy once again.
sighXinfinity.

So I paid for the unit - though rest assured, El Capitan will pay me back.... and I go to bed half wondering/half scared about what Day 14 is going to hold in-store for me.

15 Comments
Nigel Paice link
1/2/2013 06:20:46 pm

I have an expression that sums this up - Arsebiscuit!

Reply
Kay
1/2/2013 06:42:19 pm

Isn't it irony how "we" get blamed by the friends, the other family, the associates for causing the children to be mad at the absent parent. Then, here comes the mean and hateful, bitchy ex wife with our debit card to pay a bill so the "perfect" one doesn't lose his treasures... been there done that, and the items still get lost later in their life at no fault but their own.

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dusty
1/2/2013 08:37:31 pm

You are a better woman than I. If I were you, I would take any personal items regarding the children out of there and let them auction it off. Also, since it's been so long since he has contacted the kids, maybe something is wrong, (besides the obvious) with him. Maybe you should check with a relative or good friend of his to see if he is okay.

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elle
1/3/2013 10:36:56 am

Um - I did check a few times (because I have considered that) and she has been at work off and on - and they went to the movies the other night... so - he is clearly fine. He was also at a few parties over the weekend before Christmas and over New Years. Good times. lol

Reply
Alex
1/2/2013 10:03:51 pm

Damn Elle! I'm not sure how much you can make your son believe that his father has been MIA for two weeks if his father was, you know, around.

I'm going to go ahead and say it, you shouldn't have paid the bill. I'd check to see if skipping the next bill can ding your credit or anything, or if you have, in some way, assumed responsibility for the care and upkeep of this shit. Yoga Girl's and El Capitan's crap is not your concern and shouldn't be on your list of things to pay for. You are already worried about money, and your first financial obligations are to your kids and then yourself, for your own peace of mind and health, which have a direct impact on the kids. I'd ask for reimbursement ASAP, hell, ask it of her parents, shouldn't *they* be subsidizing her shit rather than you?

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emma
1/2/2013 10:46:34 pm

This had me in tears.

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amy b.
1/3/2013 12:45:10 am

I feel bad saying this but you really need to be done cleaning up El Capitan's messes. He choose to cheat on you, he choose to walk away from his family and he chooses to stay away. If he is adult enough to make these choices then he is adult enough to take care of himself. He is getting the best of both worlds in his eyes. He is with Yoga Girl while he still has you taking care of all the 'adult' things he isn't man enough to do. I know its hard but by you enabling him, I don't think you are helping your children in anyway. You're just letting El Capitan continue to walk all over you. I would have taken what I wanted, called him and let him know the situation (even if that meant just leaving a message) and walked away. It seems to me that after everything that has happened, you owe him NOTHING. He sure as hell doesn't seem to think he even owes you common courtesy half the time so why continue to let him get away with anything.
Only time will tell whether the children have a good relationship with him or just a relationship but by you enabling El Capitan, it is not helping that in either way. I don't necessarily believe that children need two parents. What I do believe is that children need to feel loved, wanted and to know that someone is there for them. If El Capitan isn't bringing that to the table then whether or not he is in the children's lives isn't important. I think its more important for children to be around positive role models and to be able to depend on the adults who are in their lives than to just be able to say that they have a dad and mom who are present in their lives.

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Melissa
1/3/2013 12:48:05 am

Elle...I sympathize with you and your situation, I really do. And I love the blog and bought the book (it arrived yesterday). And though I realize this was all very emotionally overwhelming for you (standing there, facing all that STUFF---half of it hers---and being forced to make a quick decision), I really think you made a choice here that wasn't yours to make. I know you said you rented the unit "for" him...but your name shouldn't continue to be on the unit. Not if THEIR STUFF is inside it. This same thing is going to happen another 30 days from now. What then? When they call to say the rent hasn't been paid, do you pay it again and let him pay you back? (That is "rescuing him" and "enabling him.") Because YOU value the items that are inside the unit? Or do you let HIM take the responsibility that should be HIS? It's their stuff...so they should decide whether they want to pay the bill and keep it, or let it all get auctioned off.

I've been there. Believe me, I know how easy it is to keep rescueing the other person. To sometimes even "create" situations where you have to rescue them. But hon, you need to do something now to make sure this doesn't happen again. Ask him to meet you there and change the rental info on the locker---so it's HIM who gets called next month, and him who is responsible for the bill and the decision. Because it's not your responsibility, and it has already brought you HEARTACHE once. I don't want you to feel this way again next month. :(

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Christian
1/3/2013 02:40:32 am

I just LOVE the blog and book (I'm halfway through the book)!!!! I, too, am going through the same exact thing as you with two little ones, Boy and Girl the same ages as your's. Reading your blog makes me feel much more "normal" .......like you have the same responses as me and so I don't feel so bad for having the thoughts and feelings I do. The book has made me laugh and cry and I look forward every morning to reading your blog. Take care of those babies :) I certainly wish you all the best!!

Reply
elle
1/3/2013 10:39:14 am

Will you do a review for me on Amazon when you're done? :)
Thank you for your kind words - I really appreciate it.
elle

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Christian
1/6/2013 11:10:21 pm

Will do :)

Gini Green
1/3/2013 05:04:03 am

You, sister, are one class act! I want to think that I would take the high road, but this time, this one crappy time, I proabably wound not want to. You deserve soooo much better. You kids are so lucky to have you as their mom!

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shelly
1/3/2013 05:55:52 am

Oh my gosh you are so better than me! God bless your heart I don't know how you are doing it! By the Grace of God is all I can say. I put my ex's stuff in a storage unit, took him a key and said its all yours. If you dont pay you lose it! I surely would not be paying it for him!

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Butterfly
1/3/2013 09:27:59 am

This is for all the assholes who keep saying that she is putting this stuff in her childs head. You guys are idiots. Stop underestimating the intelligence of children they pick up on stuff before adults pick up on stuff. To his so-called friends if you are EL Capitain was any type of men instead of being grown boys you would call him out on his B.S. because that is what real friends do. He needs to get his head out his ass and take responsibility for what he has done and learn to be a grown man. He became the type of man that he seems to grow up resenting his father. A real man DOESN"T cheat on his wife and leave her for a little girl. I mean for you guys supporting him being wrong shows the charcter you have. I guess birds of a feather do flock together. This is why none of my friends are idiots. I at least make sure not to hang out with people who are just dumb and willing to continue being that way. He may never get the life he may be feeling remorseful about leaving but he can at least learn to be a better man and a better father if he just even try. But first thing is first he needs to get rid of the trash.

To Ellie,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It actually is better for your son to come to that conclusion on his own that from hearing you badmouth his father because it can easily be turned around on you if anything at least the blame IS where it belongs him. Alot of kids will either blame the mother for the father cheating or themselves so it is better that he knows the truth than a lie.
I honestly believe that you should have them auctioned off the stuff. I mean he obviously is not thinking about you or his kids so why think about him or be considerate. I mean being nice is ok but after a while and there is no gratitude or consideration on his part there shouldn't be on your part either. The nice thing would have been for you to call him up and tell him he got two days to clean up the storage or his things will be gone. After that wash your hands of him. I feel like you need a clean break but you are not giving yourself one by keep putting up with his shit. Also you should tell him stop playing games with his children and talk to them because if it was me there would be no coming in and out of there lives when he feels like it. You are either in or your out thats up to him. But I really do wish the best for you but you got to stop being nice to him before you become that doormat that he walks all over. He knows what he is doing trust me. I hope and pray that you and your children can move on and learn to be happy without him who knows maybe you will be mcuh happier.

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butterfly
1/3/2013 09:39:39 am

I don't mean to say that you are a doormat or anything being nice and trying to get along for the kids sake is a great thing but to keep on doing it and get nothing for it just seems a bit too much and I am just waiting for you to say enough is enough. He is a total jackass that may never change. I agree with Jeff Probst you are a hero but even heroes aren't always nice. I feel EL captain knows he is jackass and will never truly be a real man that is why he acts this way. but thats on him and not you. He needs to be responsible for his own stuff not you.

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