Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......) OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape". (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :( When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks.... Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over... But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day" by Mastisyahu .... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style. A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude. Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant: ONE DAY - by Matisyahu sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God I'm breathing then I pray don't take me soon cause I am here for a reason sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down so when negativity surrounds I know some day it'll all turn around because all my life I've been waiting for I've been praying for for the people to say that we don't wanna fight no more there'll be no more wars and our children will play one day it's not about win or lose causewe all lose when they feed on the souls of the innocent blood drenched pavement keep on moving though the waters stay raging in this maze you can lose your way (your way) it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you no way (no way) sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down so when negativity surrounds I know some day it'll all turn around because all my life I've been waiting for I've been praying for for the people to say that we don't wanna fight no more there'll be no more wars and our children will play one day one day this all will change treat people the same stop with the violence down with the hate one day we'll all be free and proud to be under the same sun singing songs of freedom like one day x4 all my life I've been waiting for I've been praying for for the people to say that we don't wanna fight no more there'll be no more wars and our children will play one day I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement".... it seems tragically fitting. I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer. How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive. After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL. I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....? No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all. Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion. So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... ***** **** PLEASE KNOW: that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy. IT DOES NOT. However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post. | |
6 Comments
Barbara Cordrey
7/20/2012 11:35:30 pm
I just wanted to say "You Rock". You sound like a wonderful mother and a wonderful person and will eventually find that perfect person who will complete you like no other. May all your dreams come true. Barbara
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E
7/21/2012 04:21:05 am
What is UP with Colorado? This is the saddest story... And apparently his mother * knew* it was coming... Shame.
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Ron
7/21/2012 05:24:14 am
I can sympathize.
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thank you for the positive attitude, strength, resilience, perspective, and most of all, honesty you share - and thank you for the smile you inspire... talk about making lemonade out of lemons - i hope you reach the next great happiness in your life soon and until then, stay true to you (and yeah, just keep swimming)...
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Paula
7/22/2012 01:19:59 am
You are one amazing woman. I would buy your house in a minute if I didn't live on the East Coast. I think the way you are handling this is insanely, SANE. Your kids are extremely blessed to have such an amazing PARENT (singular). God's best to you! And a speedy sale!
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Tina
8/4/2012 11:02:31 am
My parents were married for 50+ years. It wasn't until after my mom's death that I discovered that my dad had a mistress for 30 years. She is now living in my Mom's house. My mom knew but did not tell anyone. What pain she must have been in and I did not know.
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