So.... it's been a while, huh?
Sorry.

I do feel bad.... not blogging because a dirty little (not so secret) thing that I get a wee bit ashamed about.... I *do* feel bad when I miss a blog or let it go for a while, but.... man - this is hard.

I thought, for sure, that this would get easier over time.
I thought that when I found love - when I found that someone who would love me and accept me and support me.... and give me that *thing* that I missing for so many years - that 'thing' I didn't even know I was missing - that all of that would add up to emotionally equal wholeness.
Surprise:  it doesn't.
Sigh.

This time of year is a bit rough for me because it's my *busy* time of year - where I do all my family shoots.  Most of them are friends - some are new clients I've never met.... but over and over and over, all day Saturday and Sunday it's just a parade of happy, nuclear families.

One after the other... holding hands, smiling, laughing, kissing.... crying, fighting, bribing, begging, pleading for onelastsmile.... families.  I know that everyone's life isn't perfect.  I'm all well aware that my life could such in many more ways that it currently does.... however, it doesn't make it any easier to have a ring-side seat to the parade of people who got their shit right.  The array of people I adore who made better choices - and still have their families.... in tact.

It doesn't have anything to do with Hail Mary -but honestly.... I find myself feeling a bit jealous that I didn't make better/different/whatever choices, so that my nuclear family could still be together.  I thought, that after some magic amount of time had passed where love came in to fill the gaps in my heart and my head - that that would heal me... and I would be so busy living my new life that I would ?forget?  the past.... that I wouldn't miss it.

I wouldn't miss my little blue house.
I wouldn't miss putting up a yard full of blow up guys.
I wouldn't miss putting together our family holiday card and licking 150 stamps to send them out....
but the truth is:  I do.

I still miss our family.  Do I miss El Capitan?  Fuck no.  And, I actually mean that with respect, I really do, but I don't miss the presence of someone in my life who thought so little of me - who sought to emotionally destroy me with thoughtlessness and betrayal.... 

On that note.  I know I probably shouldn't be thinking about this... but I can't help it.

I keep seeing El Capitan in my mind - leaning on the white Ikea bookshelf - eyes staring at the hardwood floor so hard that I thought he might just burn a whole in the boards..... I sat on the bench seat, phone in my hand, just asking, quietly pleading for the truth...... 

Who is this girl?
What does she mean.....?
What does any of this mean......?

And he shrugged his shoulders, he didn't *have* an answer.... she meant 'nothing'.  She was 'nothing'.  She was a 'flirtation that went too far'.... and nothing more.

18 months later... they're still flirting - so obviously there's a lie somewhere... either he lied then or he's lying to himself now.... it's not for me to know the truth, I guess - and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I think I watched too much TV growing up because I keep waiting to sit down in front of a color screen and watch events in first person and third person and through parted curtains and steamy Mazda 5 windows - to unfold in front of me, piecing together events and feelings and words spoken and promises broken.... just so I could understand.

Even if I could, even if I knew it all... the truth is, I'm not sure I'll never be angry enough, or healed enough to not miss the family I had.  Two happy kids, who felt secure and stable.... I would never have traded that for anything, not even for what I have today.

That's the difference between El Capitan and I.

And you know what... fuck it:  here's a hard truth for anyone out there who has a parent who cheated:  they traded you, they traded your childhood and your security so that they could go live another life - live out some other fantasy  or dream.  IT didn't have anything to do with your other parent..... what it boils down to is that you have One Parent who stayed with you and raised you and loved you and sacrificed for you. 

And then you have Another Parent who traded you for something/someone else.
Done.

Sad fact, but true.

Recently, El Capitan talked to The Boy and The Girl about his own parents.  In his own words he told the kids that his Dad was a "mean guy" who did and said mean things.... that he was a 'bad guy' - and that is why the kids have never met them and it is why El Capitan doesn't talk to his own parents.

This weighed on the children a lot more than I thought it would.... and I was surprised because recently we found out that El Capitan's parents packed up their shit and moved to the midwest. In doing that, my heart actually broke for El Capitan because his Dad wouldn't give him his Mother's belongings, or his own childhood belongings - baby books, toys, etc..... when I told El Capitan that I found out his parents sold the house and moved - we both knew that all his stuff - all his deceased Mother's stuff - was now gone.....
and that made me really sad.

A final 'fuck you' from parents who did a pretty shitty job raising him.... and then they hold that dysfunction and anger against him.... it makes me sad for El Capitan. It really, really does.

Perhaps that sparked the conversation.... but The Boy came home and said this:
(hand to G*d it's the truth)

The Boy:  "Daddy told us about his Dad and how he was a mean guy......"

Me: "Oh?"

The Boy:  "Yeah.... they haven't talked for a long time and they met me when I was a baby."

Me:  "Yes, they did."

The Boy:  "Did you know Dad's parents?"

Me:  "Well, I never met him Mom, she died before I met your Dad, but I knew his Dad and his Step-Mom."

The Boy:  "Was he mean?"

Me:  "Well, it's complicated.  No, he wasn't a very nice man, and sometimes people say and do things - that are all wrong - but for the most part - your Dad is right, he's not a nice man and he wasn't a good Dad."

and then there was a pause.... I didn't want to say more, and I also wanted to support El Capitan's words, because it's his relationship with is father and I think it's all true.
and then .......

The Boy:  "If Dad's Dad was a mean guy and he doesn't talk to him... then why has Dad been mean to us?"

Sigh.
Sometimes I'm really freakin' stupid because,I'll be honest, I DID NOT see that connection being made by The Boy - and clearly neither did El Capitan..... fuck.  Smart kid.

I said nothing.  I didn't know what to say.... because - just like El Capitan is entitled to his own perspective and feelings on his DAd's behavior.... The Boy has the same entitlements - and currently... while he *loves* his Dad more than he can put into words... he's also just as hurt and just as angry.....

So... do we ever heal?  Do we ever round the corner and find inner peace.....?
Or will seasons change and with it, bring familiar pain and loss over and over.....?
I sure as shit hope not.

Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day.

I will forever remember my 'Coming Out Day', but to be honest, finally being honest about who you are and starting a new journey is a process and I kind of always feel like every day I'm learning something new and still 'coming out' in many ways.

These last eight months have been amazing.  I have learned so much about myself and discovered so many wonderful things about my community.

This week Mia got married to her love - and The Boy and The Girl were 'ring bearers' in their wedding.  A LEGAL same-sex marriage which took place in Washington.  It was truly amazing, to point of tears, to see these two people get legally married.

Mia is one of my closest friends in my community and we were friends before she started dating Her Love - so I've been lucky enough to watch their relationship grow, be apart of the excitement of them falling in love - and then we all stood next to them when they signed those documents.  It was really cool.

I made Mia's bouquet - she wanted pink and yellow, so I went with vintage style pink roses, pink lillies and yellow roses.  The lillies were for me.... :)  You all know why.  And then she wanted something 'unique', yet simple and small - so I laced up the stems and added two charms:  one for France and one for Italy, which are two of their favorite places.  The charms can be taken off and warn on a necklace later.... I hope that was unique enough. lol

I hope, whatever journey you are on in your life, that you able to honest with yourself and live in happiness.  It  took me a long time to get where I am, and I still have to much farther to go.
Thanks for being with me.....

So, I've never tried to hide our Goodwill Christmas and whatnot.... I mean, it's not like I'm thrilled to have to hunt through bins of used toys to make Christmas work - but I'm not the only Mom who's done it, and there's no shame in it.  

In the past, I have also shared about treasure hunting at The Goodwill at Halloween time because The Boy is just sooooo obsessed with the holiday.  He cannot have enough stuff - and he actually *cares* about all of it.  At the end of the season last year we collected up costumes for $3 and $4 - because he likes to "sell" them, still in their packaging in his Spirit store.  This year.... having moved out on our own - we have have been making the most of a collection of new Goodwills to hunt through.

There aren't, however, as many Goodwill locations where we live now as there were in Portland (seven within a 10 mile radius to our old house) - so we've been hitting up the same two local Goodwills and we were getting down to the really dirty and stained talking toys or the ones that don't work, so I thought we would try out Value Village.

Mis.FUCKING.stake.

They have a HUGE Halloween costume set-up, and The Boy was out. of. his. mind.  The Girl was running up down the aisles and pulling out this crown or that witch's broom.... and then I started looking at the prices.
Holy. Shit.

I don't know *who* works for Value Village and thinks that charging $20 for a knock-off 'Snow White' costume is "value".... but - um... it's not:  it's a freakin' rip off.  The more I walked the aisles, the more my jaw dropped.  I couldn't *believe* what I was seeing.... this is *supposed* to be a thrift store.  There's nothing 'thrifty' about a $25 Transformers costume.

I know this, for a fact, because I've seen THE. SAME. COSTUMES. at The Goodwill for the whopping price of $12.99 and lower..... ALL brand new and still in the packaging - and half the price.  How is that possible?

I looked on the Value Village website and found this:

"Our Mission:  To provide our customers with the best selection and shopping experience of any thrift store in the world."

Dude.... Mission NOT Complete.

How could they ever *think* these are reasonable prices?  The local WALMART has name-brand costume for at least $10.00 cheaper.... now, if I'm someone who is looking to SAVE money on my costumes and shopping in thrift store, wouldn't I be expecting to pay *less* than I would at WalMart?  I really can't even wrap my brain around it all.  Honestly.  

Now, aside from the political issue's here - let me tell you how it *feels* to be the Mom standing in Value Village trying to explain to your over-excited 8 year old that, in spite of standing in a "Value Village", you still can't afford to buy him squat.

It feel like shit.
That's how it feels.

It feels like 38 years of art school and a decent career as a photographer amounts of jack nothing when it comes down to being a single parent and having rent and medical insurance and car insurance and a car payment (which is totally reasonable) -and oh.... yeah - trying to figure out how to go to college so that I can do that thing called 'sustain myself' in my old age because I no longer have that "life partner" to do that with that I had counted on.  And yes... I have Hail Mary - but anyone in my shoes will tell you that you're a dumbass if you put your financial eggs in anyone else's basket.....

Big Girl Panties are on.... and I handle my own shit... but my shit is also broke. lol

I was so angry standing in that store - among the marked down, broke and dirty dishes and whatnot marked for $1.00 a piece..... and yet - their Halloween area is OUT.FUCKING.RAGEOUS.  Why......?  I fully expect to be standing in Macy's or Yonkers or The Bon Marche - and tell my kid.... "Dude, sorry, we can't afford that.".  That's *exactly* why I don't shop in those places.... I already know I can't afford it - so why bother the emotional embarrassment of having to admit that to my kids?
I'll pass......

I did not, in a million years - ever think that I would have to stand in a freaking "thrift store" and utter those same words.... actually, I'll be blunt:  I never thought I would have to utter those words to my kids period.

The worst of it all was that they had this standing witch that had a 'step here' pad and she cackled and moved her head - and The Boy is just going out of his MIND over her.... but I think she looks dirty and dusty and I noticed that the back of her it tied to a long rope to the wall - because it's clear she doesn't stay upright without being tied to the wall - which means she's broken.

So The Boy asks how much she is .... and she's $150.00!!!!!!!

What. The. Hell??????

You can walk into the Spirit Store and get a walking/talking Walking Dead Girl for $150.00 BRAND NEW.  You can get the Swinging Zombie Girl for $170, or the The Hanging Pumpkin.... so - yeah - if I *HAD* $150 - why would I buy some old, shitty, dirty and broken-ass witch at a thrift store?

Not so thrifty..... sigh.

As it is, I still bought the kids a few things and voiced my displeasure to the manage who blew me off - I mean... really?  *I* am your target market - a Mom getting by on very little trying to make the holidays nice for her kids.... isn't THAT who shops at thrift stores?

I'm not the only *parent* in my situation - living on a budget..... it's *offensive* to state that you are supplying people with 'thrift' when you're really just robbing them.... at least in my humble opinion.

I was disappointed with myself, too  because we went in there to hunt for treasure and The Boy had to walk out with out any because I couldn't afford them.... and I can't not afford them because I have a closet full of fancy clothes and iPods and iPhones and iPads and whatever else..... I can't afford them because The Boy broke his glasses a week ago, so I pulled together money for new frames which we put his old and scratched lenses in..... but The Boy has an appointment with his specialist at on the 28th and will most certainly be getting a whole new prescription which I will have to buy all new glasses for.

Yes... I can hear you - kids glasses aren't that much... right?  
Well, may be for most kids - but for MY kids- after having gone blind in each eye and having had TWO full lens replacements (one in each eye) - The Boy wears bifocals that have to be specially made .... and they aren't cheap.

And, because life currently loves screwing with me.... we lost those *new* frames on Friday - and tonight The Boy had to do his reading homework with a magnifying glass.  Otherwise, the type was too small for him to read.

Now *THAT* ... Value Village - THAT is fucking thrifty.
My eight year old at the dinning table doing his homework with a magnifying glass:  that is was thrift looks like.

On a bright note..... school is going well for The Boy who's teacher adores him and finds him to lovely and well-mannered and he's very proud of the work he's bringing home... so even though this is harder than any time we've had before, I know we're doing the right thing because the personal success of The Boy means more than knock-off costumes anyway.
Sigh.

And, for the record, I'm not trying to be all - "poor me"..... I'm trying to say - our economy is such that LOTS of families are being creative and shopping thrifty to make sure they can pay their bills and still provide those extra's at holiday time that really make the time of year for kids - extra special.... I know there are Moms who have it waaaaay worse - and I can assure you I'm not the only Mom who was horrified to walk in and see their prices.... and you know what - that just sucks. lol
That's all.... it just sucks.

Hmm..... for some time now I have been quiet about La Novia and El Capitan.  On one hand... there hasn't been that much to say.... but on the other hand, I was trying to let things be and let our relationships grow a bit more naturally and away from "The Blog", so to speak.

Last year I posted about how *GREAT* the local Spirit Store staff was to The Boy and The Girl.  To say that The Boy is *obsessed* with Halloween would be putting it mildly.... very. mildly. lol

So this year started with us visiting the store as soon as the sign went up the building - as in... the shelves are still empty and no one is even inside the building - we *still* had to drive y every single day to check their progress.

The Boy knows where *everything* is.  He knows when the Try Me buttons aren't working, or when one of the animatronics isn't working right.  And, being his mother's son, he'll march right on over to an employee and very nicely tell them.... and thankfully - they are all very kind to him and usually let him help.

Above are the pictures of The Boy's "Spirit Store" that he now has at The Bubbie's house.  80% of what you see in the photos all came from The Spirit Store, though it's missing his stand up screaming Ghost Face (from the Scream movies) and his end-all-be-all important Freddie Krueger animatronic that I bought for him last year - those are still packed up until another week or so.

He goes into his "store" and he sets up his cash register.
He makes sale signs - though he thinks that 30% off and $30 off are the same thing... so we're working on that one. lol

He sets up all his stuff in one area, then a little while later he'll come out and tell us that they got a 'new shipment in' and he has to move things around to 'make room' for this new 'item' or that one.  It's a very serious business he has going on.... and he loves every single second of it.

All the employee's know him - and even though there is a store 5 minutes from where we live now.... I *still* have to drive him 45 minutes one way - to go to his favorite store with his *favorite* manager.  This guy.... he's been so incredibly kind to The Boy.  Now.... let me be *super* clear - he doesn't give us "special" discounts or freebies - I pay for everything and use whatever coupons Spirit has sent me over email.  

But, like with most of the more important things in life, this isn't about money, this is about time.  The manager always greets him with a hug and a high-five.  He always makes time to walk around the store and talk about whatever is new and he NEVER EVER makes this waaaaaaay hyper and over excited 8 year old feel like's taking up too much of his time or that he's a bother..... and this has been a lifeline for The Boy.

A fucking lifeline.

The Boy spends *all year* waiting for The Spirit Store to open - and the staff there really, truly appreciate The Boy's exuberance.  IT's kind of awesome.

So, of course going there every. single. day. means money..... money we don't have.  Now, let's be *super* clear and say that this is *for sure* a First World Problem.... waaaaahhh... I can't afford to buy my kid toys at The Spirit Store.... but it's not like that for The Boy - he *Really* wants to buy stuff and keep it in the box for HIS store. lolol  

Last year I managed to make it work somewhat... but this year... *this year* has been brutal on the finances - so our trips to The Spirit Store have been taking a toll and the manager knew it... so - he HIRED The Boy to "work" at his store one shift a week. 
The Boy just about lost his freakin' mind.  Seriously.

One day a week for about 30 minutes, The Boy puts on that magical purple apron and walks around with the manager (while I linger nearby), and they straighten shelves, or fix displays.  The Boy tests the various buttons and looks for broken or misplaced items and then puts them where they should be.   He takes items without tags to the front and then "helps" make the new tag and "re-shelves" the items.  He'll even answer questions and tell people how "cool" this thing is or that thing is.... and people always stop and stare that The Boy is so verbal and forward and unafraid to talk to them. lol
Like I said.... he *is* his Mother's son.

In fact, he's sold people a few of the "Zombie babies" and a few other items.....

It's been a crazy year and a half..... and some pretty shitty things have happened to us..... not the least of which was that I broke *another* crown today.... ugh.  why can't *any* of my clients be a dentist??? lol..... but there have been a number of set backs and hard times and even harder emotional times..... and then most of it has been pretty public - which has brought both support and criticism.

However, it's also brought about the opportunity for people -even total strangers - to be kind in ways I never dreamed of..... like The Spirit Store staff.  They don't get paid to be nice to my son, but they are kinder to him and have given him so much emotional support  - and done it just because they appreciate him.
That's amazing.... truly. fucking. amazing.

So today was "work day" for The Boy and The Girl and they had a BLAST..... then he packed up his "Ouchy The Clown", complete with his own Try Me Button in his box (which at this point, The Boy takes with us *everywhere* we go..... and Ouchy is a clown doll with a knife in his hand that "stabs" up and down and say's creepy little things.... and The Boy LOVES him.

We headed out to go have a quick dinner with El Capitan because he's working all week and won't otherwise see the kids and *of course* we have to drag Ouchy The Clown in with us.
Sigh.

At the end of dinner we are walking out the door and a man at a table stops The Boy to ask him about Ouchy - and The Boy quickly launches into a sales pitch about all his features and demonstrates his Try Me Button.  The man is taken aback and smiling and laughing a little... clearly surprised that our son would just stand there and shoot the shit about a stabbing clown doll with a total stranger while El Capitan and I look on proudly.

Then - to ALL our surprise - The Boy say's this gem, "Well, if you want to get one of your own, you should go right now to The Spirit store because I re-stocked the shelves with just one more- JUST. ONE. MORE. - doll today.  Do you know where The Spirit Store is?"

Then The Boy proceeded to give the man directions to the nearest store and then followed it up with.... "Ask for my friend XXXXXXX and be sure to tell them I said "hi"."

Crazy..... The Spirit Store has given him such a solid boost of confidence - and that was a gift the staff have given him and nothing I could ever buy.... in fact, it's the best thing to come out of The Spirit Store and it didn't cost me a penny.

So.... if you're out and about this year - and in need of costumes or Halloween decor- *please* consider stopping by your local Spirit Store, The Boy would really appreciate it!  (You can shop online too, but The Boy would tell you that it wouldn't be the same!)

**************************************************************************************
Legal Disclaimer:  The Boy IS NOT financially compensated in *any* way for his "shift".  Nor I do expect him to be.  His actual "shift" is doing what most costumers do - walking around and checking stuff - only instead of knocking displays over, breaking the dolls, pulling off tags and prices or pulling down the lines of costumes - The Boy does the opposite and nicely puts stuff back that people have knocked over.
IT's like shopping in reverse... lol.  I stay close at hand. :)

Things have been going pretty well.... I mean, we're totally skint right now. lol..... but, in terms of the kids and I settling in with Hail Mary... that is going pretty good.

Hail Mary had signed up to do this dance class in Albany which is a two and a half hour drive from where we live.... only - the class is only Friday nights, so it's more like a 2.5 hour drive if she leaves work REALLY early to beat the traffic.

That's one of my favorite things about Hail Mary - she'll try anything and is game for doing just about anything... so when a teammate wanted to learn ballroom dancing - Hail Mary signed right up.

However, it's also been a bit of a pain because of the distance and the time and the gas.... AND - if El Capitan has the kids that night, then we lose our "date" night for the month.... sigh.

Anyway - this last Friday the class was cancelled and so we got to have Hail Mary home for Friday night - which the kids were pretty excited about.

I have, more or less, handled Hail Mary's relationship with kids just as I handled their relationship with each other.  No one has been forced to hug or kiss or love or accept .... *anyone*.  It's been organic and a bit natural from the start.  When they met her I told them that she was Mommy's girlfriend and that Mommy liked her.  That was all. 

The took to her instantly, holding her hand to cross the street, or jumping waves together at the beach.... they seemed to warm to Hail Mary and trust her right away - which was perfect and amazing.  But I left it at that. I didn't push or encourage anything else.

For the record, all along the road I have made it clear to The Boy that this is NOT a 'one way' street where he just has to 'accept' my choices or the people in our life - and he knows that he can tell me if he's not happy, or if he's unhappy with Hail Mary or even with me.....  But, he was the one who infamously told me mid-ass-wipe that he thought that Hail Mary was the "gal" for us.
Seems like he was right.......

So things have been moving along- hugs goodnight and general getting along.... oh - and they also ignore Hail Mary just as much as they ignore me when I'm telling them it's time to go to bed... parenting equality. lol

Friday, however.... the earth shifted and things changed.

We took the kids to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner (buffet and we had a coupon dammit! lol) - and I don't remember what happened.... but The Boy and Hail Mary were joking around and suddenly The Boy leaned over and kissed Hail Mary on the cheek.... 

Wow.  Shocker.  lol

I sat watching... oh - because they both fight over who gets to sit next to Hail Mary all the time - so I was sitting on the other side of the booth on my own.... I was surprised as no one had really kissed anyone before and at 8 years old The Boy has been.... a bit distant at times.

But The Boy set into motion the kissing train and The Girl jumped right on board and soon.... I watched as the three of them were planting big kisses on everyone's cheeks dozens of times and laughing and making a game of it.... It just kind of happened.

It was amazing.  Amazing and a bit of a break through because now every night both kids are giving us kisses on the cheek and 'one last snuggle' before bed time.... and it really makes me feel like we're that much closer to feeling really whole as a family.

Sunday night The Boy needed to finish his homework and I was making dinner so Hail Mary sat next to him and helped him through it all.  Then Monday night The Boy walked up Hail Mary and asked her to sit with him and help him with his homework again.... how cute is that?

Then tonight I was making dinner and I forgot bread, so Hail Mary took the kids and ran to the store.  When they came home The Girl was SOB.BING.  OMG.  Just snot running out of her nose, tears streaming down her face.... crying.

Turns out that Hail Mary was carrying the prettiest vase of PURPLE ROSES.  Which, unbeknownst to Hail Mary - Purple Roses are my very favorite flower.... purple being my favorite color and all.  However, The Girl was crying because SHE wanted Hail Mary to be buying her flowers too.

The Girl, being only four, doesn't fully understand what having a 'girlfriend' means - so she keeps saying that Hail Mary is 'Mommy's girlfriend' and "my girlfriend, too".  lol.  It's very cute and sweet and innocent and The Boy laughs hysterically when The Girl say's this... and we all keep trying to explain over and over and over that The Girl can't have Hail Mary as a "girlfriend".... but she refuses to accept this so far.

So tonight she was crying because she wanted her own flowers from Hail Mary..... 
And that's kind of amazing.

Kids don't sit you down and say - "hey, I really like you and I like how you treat me and I respect you and love you and want to spend time with you."  No.... they cry because you didn't' get them flowers and ask you to help them with their homework and kiss you on the cheek at bedtime..... that's how they tell you.
Awesome.

The Boy is doing well in school.... his teacher adores him.  And his work is nothing but "super" and "great job" at the top..... Halloween is here - and we're all happy......

hmm..... I wonder what will happen next? lol