might be worried because from his perspective that's what happened with El Capitan:  one day he was here... and then he never came home again.  So, then I stopped and sat down and we talked about things.....  I guess he really likes Hail Mary and I explained that she was only gone for the night and would be back the next night.  To be honest, I'm not entirely sure he believed me. lol

Which is kind of funny because this week the kids and I attended the out of town wedding of a lesbian friend and The Boy said to the girl who we are friends with, "Does this mean you're breaking up with my Mom and we won't see you anymore.....?"  Which had everyone laughing.  So that night I had to explain (again) to The Boy that while I am lesbian who dates women that *doesn't* mean that every woman I am friends with is someone I'm dating.... lol

So.  It was good to know that Hail Mary is having a positive affect on the children and their hearts.  I know she worries about this a lot - pretty much every day and any time she has to be stern or correct or discipline them - she worries that they won't like her..... but kids need boundaries and I believe that they *want* people in their lives to appropriately set them for them.   I am - no  WE - are very lucky that Hail Mary takes such a serious interest in being a co-parent to the children.

So that was Friday.

On Saturday I had to drive the kids out to Bubbie and Papa's house so that Bubbie came watch them while I work.  I had several sessions booked for the day - the first one had cancelled in the middle of the night because their little one woke up sick.... :(  Not serious sick, but caught something at the first week of school sick.... poor kid.  But, we re-scheduled and I got to sleep in... yay!

Then I headed downtown.  There are several places that we (PDX photogs) shoot in and around Portland.  On the waterfront on Water Ave is one of the busiest.  There is a fire station there, and a giant parking lot.  Almost every race that's run in downtown goes through this area.  There is a large overflow parking for OMSI and there are runners and walkers and bikers and local business in the area.

There are two roads that lead up to the fire station- Main and Salmon.  I have parked on either of these streets hundreds of times.  Both of these streets end at the main parking lot and on all four corners, there are (and have been for several years) homeless camps.

Actually.... there are homeless camps alllllll over Portland.  They are currently lining the sidewalk in front of civil buildings in downtown, they frequently take over parks and whatnot.... to say that homelessness in Portland is a bit of a problem is an understatement.  
Sigh.

However, this is also a VERY popular location for photos - just while I was there four other photographers showed up to shoot people there as well... so - I have continued to use this space and I greet the people in the camps with a friendly smile and sometimes money or food.  The camps are big - each one has at least 6 to 12 people there almost all the time, so that's about 20 - 30 people homeless people on either side of the street when you walk into the area and when you walk out.

On this day I pulled up and both sides of both streets were fully parked up and the only open spot was at the front of the line about 15 feet from one of the homeless camps.  As I parked I thought to myself.... "Well, I think it's 'okay' because they wouldn't break into a car so close to where they are.... right?"

Wrong.
So. F*cking. Wrong.

But, I parked the car, tucking my Tom Tom under the seat, pulled out my camera gear, locked my car, greeted the people I saw with a friendly nod and a hello and walked to the area to meet my client.

My second job was a freebie for a client who I knew really wanted to get pictures done, but I also know they can't afford them...so I when I had an opening between two jobs I set up a session for them for free which they were "super excited" about.... so excited that they never showed up, never emailed or called.
Sigh.
Oh well.

My next client came and it took longer than usual because they were new and their kids needed a little more time to warm up to me and to getting their picture taken.... which was fine, I didn't have any other plans for the day.  We finished up after about two hours and I headed back to my car.

As I approached ... my spidey sense started to tingle.

There were no people..... both camps were empty..... why?
Then I looked at my car and stomahc started to sink..... my small window had been broken out.  By this time I was directly between the two camps and carrying around $8K in camera gear in my bag.... which started to make me feel really scared.

So I quickened my feet and jumped in my car locking the doors..... glass was everywhere.
Once I was *in* my car - I looked up to see people gathering back at both camps......
F*ckers.

I backed up and calmly drove down the street to another area away from the camps, my hands shaking, glass crunching under my feet and my ass.  Good times.

I sat in my car crying because every penny I had just made for the day isn't going to cover the deductible on my car insurance AND.... I already needed that money to pay bills.
Feck.

I called Hail Mary - but she was working and didn't answer so I left her a message.
I thought about calling the police, but a broken window isn't *that* much to fix and I know a car accident has to have more than $500 worth of damage for them to come out and write a report.... and surely a window isn't more than $500?  Right.......?

I sat for a while feeling sad.... then I started to panic..... where were the Kindles?

Where is The Girls purple Leap Pad.........?
Where is my phone charger.......?
Where is my Tom Tom......?
F*ck.

Losing the Kindles sucks.  If you recall, that was the kids "big" present this last Christmas, a Kindle Fire for each of them..... and both were now gone.  Awesome.

The Leap Pad...... Why take my kids Leap Pad?  It's a baby game... with Electric Company and Kids Bop and Alphabet games on it.... but it also had picture and movies that The Girl had taken on it.... pictures and movies from when we were all still living in our house with El Capitan - memories from a time when we were still a family.  Memories taken by small, pudgy three year old hands..... gone.  Lost.  How am I going to tell her?
Double F*ck.

And.... my Tom Tom.  So.... in ten year of marriage El Capitan had *not* been the world's best gift-giver.  We either never had enough money - or he just kind of sucked at it.... no really.  He *sucked* at buying me things.  There was the Christmas where all he bought me was The Snoop Dogg CD - but not like a really good one... kind of a crappy one.  I never got an anniversary present.... we were waiting to get something "big" for our ten year... but that came and went with a $6 bouquet of Safeway Carnations and dinner at The Cheesecake Factory (and a quickie on the living floor for fun.... just sayin').  Which was fine..... I mean - it's not like he totally forgot or something.....

But, I was always getting lost going to weddings and job and calling El Capitan at home or at work to go online and help guide me to where I needed to go.... and so ONE CHRISTMAS.  

ONE GLORIOUS F*CKING CHRISTMAS...... El Capitan bought me that years brand new TOM TOM - which was *awesome* enough... only on TOP of that he had bought Snoop Doggs voice for it!!!!!!

You can actually go online to Tom-Tom and buy different celebrity voices for your Tom-Tom so that you don't have to listen to the boring voice.... Snoop Dogg say's cool things like when you get to your final destination he say's, "Thanks man.... I had the time of my life....."  or when follow his directions and turn left or whatever he'll say, "yeah.... just like that......".  The kids LOVE it.  

I loved it.  It was the first (and *only*) present that El Capitan ever got me that I loved.
And it was gone.
Triple F*ck.

I sat there crying.... it feels like every part of the life I had before just keep getting.... removed from my life.  It's not that I haven't moved on.... I HAVE moved on.  I am happy with my life.  I am happy to be an out and proud lesbian.  I am *thrilled* to have Hail Mary in our lives..... and I am happy that it *seems* as though my kids have (so far) made it through alllll of this: intact.
Thank f*ck for that.

However..... I was still married.  I was *happily* married and I love my house and my studio.... and my couch and my table and my built in hutch and my bed..... and my hand-painted bathroom...... there are only a few things I still had and the Tom Tom was one of them. Anyone who has ridden in my car *knows* how much I LOVE my Tom Tom.  And now it was gone.  My one and only gift from El Capitan.... it was gone, too.
F*cking crushed.

Then I got out of the car and started looking..... 

Hand-prints covered the side of the car where the window was broken.
Footprints from some Converse-Shoe-Wearing-Homeless person kicked both the passenger & drivers doors.
A metal piercing dent in the drivers side door.... wait - WHAT?

I look again..... and now I'm seeing all kind of scratches and piercing dents where some kind of metal object was used to hit my car..... great.  I walk back over to the window and now I can see that the FRAME of the window is BENT!!!!  F*CKING BENT!!!! and there is a large piercing dent in the BODY of my car where the car meet the door/window frame... and it's bent.

They CROW-BARED MY WINDOW to break it.
Really.... really?

Just busting out my window and stealing my sh*t wasn't *enough* - we have to BEND the sh*t out of everything to do it...... 
FanF*ckingTastic.

I follow the hand prints and find them on my trunk..... I open the trunk and see an empty place where my Black KitchenAid mixer had been sitting..... I had only *just* put that in my car to take to the new place - and it was hidden under a few blankets and stuff..... but they left the blankets and all our sweatshirts and CD's and even some money (though they took most of my parking/gas attendant tipping money out of the center console) - and dug out my KitchenAid.

So then I call the cops because now I *know* this is doing to be a lot more than $500 to fix..... and the very nice lady cop tells me that she knows exactly where I was parked and that in the last two months there has been a serious uptick in crime around these locations.... awesome.

I ask her why they would leave blankets and nice sweatshirts and she tells me that they only want electronics or metal to sell for heroine.  She is very nice and very compassionate - tells me I did nothing wrong (but it all feels wrong that's for sure!) - and she gives me a case number......

So THAT was my weekend.
Almost.......

On Sunday doing my Goddaughter's senior session..... my currently working camera died.  
Just.... died. 

SO THAT was my weekend..... sigh.
I hope yours was better.


PS..... in spite of having full Comprehensive Insurance through a major company - apparently I'm NOT covered for "mayhem" as advertised..... good times.  Gooooooood times. 
Sigh.

It's funny that since I came out the more common response from people is.... "who cares?" or "why do you think it's a big deal/problem for people that's you're gay?"

The answer is that for some people..... it *is* a big deal that I'm gay.  
It's a big hairy, religious, political deal:  for them.

For me.... it's just the way I am.

When Hail Mary and I are out there isn't *one time* that we don't get "the look" from someone while we're out together.... I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't get the double take when they are out unless they are at a gay/lesbian event.

Usually no one say's anything.... it's just a look, a stare.... a glance that lasts long enough for them to be thinking.... "hey - those are two dykes and they have kids..... oooohhh... ahhh.... it's a gay family."
Or you know.... whatever they are thinking..... ("Please God make them stop being gay and ruining my family by existing...." hahahaha)

For lots of people this should be a nothing .... a non-event, but for the current voting majority of this country - it's a big enough deal to deny people like me equal rights.    Even Macklemore was surprised "Same Love" did as well as it has - which I think is a strong reflection of the open hearts and minds of the upcoming generations.... but sadly, those who vote are still saying that love is *not* the same in many states. 
Including my own *extremely* liberal state.
Sigh.

Which brings me to the Sweet Cakes fiasco.  LOTS of people emailed me wanting to either know my thoughts about it - or ask if I'd seen the story - which.... I had - from day one.

So - Sweet Cakes by Melissa was a bakery in Oregon run by a husband and a wife.  A very Christian husband and wife.  At the time, the story was that two lesbians went into the shop to order a wedding cake and the husband told me then "No", said that he refused to be apart of an "abomination" and quote the Bible to them.

Now... that account has changed through different media outlets, but he stated from the start that he had moral and religious objections to gay marriage and did't want his business/cake to be apart of something he thinks is an "abomination."
Fair enough.

The minute the story came out I put it up on Facebook.... I was stunned.  *THIS* is not a state you want to do those kinds of things in.... really:  it's not.  I wrote that as a previous (retired) wedding vendor myself, I would NEVER EVER EVER refuse service to *anyone* for any reason other than my date was already booked.

As a photographer I did a few "gay" weddings (this was before they could even do a Domestic Partnership) - so they were little more than fancy parties with an exchange of vows and I *Still* did the best I could for their photography.  I know that some couples were told no by other photographers.... which - and bear with me here - I can *almost* kind of understand.

When you are working with a man and a woman, it is *very* easy to pose them.... it comes naturally to those of us who do it ALL. THE. TIME.  I did well over a hundred male/female weddings and I can pose you so that he looks strong and happy and you look thin and happy.... because THAT is what people want - girls wanna look thin, boys want to look 'manly' and everyone wants to look happy.
Done and done.

When I worked with two girls I was like..... where do I put all these boobs? lol
No really.

Visually, it's a different line.... and so I had to really think about poses that brought out their romance - even the hot and heavy side - without it looking.... too much?  for wedding photos.  I don't know if that makes sense.... but I had to make sure I could capture the sensual romance AND make everyone look thin and happy.... and I spent a good deal of time studying same-sex posing ideas online and I was *really* nervous about the wedding and *thrilled* when they were very happy with their images.

However.....I *CAN* appreciate that some photographers either can't wrap their brain around it - or they morally object to it.... NOW.  Don't go freak out on me.

There is a MASSIVE difference baking a cake that someone takes out and puts on a table.  
YOU don't have to be there.
YOU don't have to see the wedding.
YOU don't have to be AT the wedding.
YOU don't have to be present.... just the cake.

For a photographer, you not only have to be *present*, but you need to be COMFORTABLE with your subjects..... it would make *very* little sense for a same-sex couple to hire a photographer who was personally, morally or politically against their marriage.  The subject has to *trust* the photographer - most of my couples have gone on to become great friends of mine.... their day is a bond for us.
I can see where a photographer who doesn't agree with same-sex marriage might have trouble doing a same sex wedding from an actual artistic point of view.

Having said that..... I don't actually know of *any* photographer who would/did turn down a same-sex wedding - and I would assume that if they did... they could kiss their business goodbye, which is what I posted on facebook when this story came out - that Sweet Cakes could (most likely) kiss their business goodbye.

Frankly.... I've seen vendors shut up their shops for doing lesser things that pissed off a bride.

So now the story has come out that Sweet Cakes has closed their location and are now going to work out of their home.... but - what surprises me is their allegations that the gay community took "mafia like" tactics to get them to close down.... yet, they don't define them or state what they are.

At the end of the day - I don't think there are *that* many brides in Portland who want to stand at their own cake table and announce that Sweet Cakes did their cake because it's *incredibly* likely that someone else within the wedding party or the guests will take offence at what Sweet Cakes have done and at the end of the day - weddings are about impressing people.... no one is going to be impressed by discrimination.
Period.

When my baby brother got married and I planned his ENTIRE DAY, I went after only THE FINEST wedding vendors in my area and I took GREAT PRIDE in getting his cake from a premier baker in Portland.  

The dress, the cake, the DJ, the photographer... it's ALL about status..... brides want their friends to say to each other.... "did you see she had Holland Studios?  They are THE BEST photographers in Portland!"  or, "Did you know that her cupcakes came from Cupcake Jones?  They are amazing....."
(Side Note:  Eric @ Holland is AMAZING.  Best photographer I know and he has worked dozens of same sex marriages..... and Lisa @ Cupcake Jones is also amazing and they do make THE BEST cupcakes on the planet.  Period.  So.... if you need either of those things... go there!)

No one... NO ONE - wants to spend $500 on a wedding cake and have people say..... "did you see her cake lady on TV.....?  blah blah blah."

As a wedding vendor - who had a booth in the bridal show and ads in magazines and everything..... *I* can assure you that THAT is the only reason they saw their wedding clientele drop off.... not anyone's "mafia tactics".  

Sweet Cakes closed because of bad business:  their own.

The bakery had *no right* to refuse to sell a cake to anyone based on race, creed or sexual orientation.  Period.  It's the law.  Duh.

When the sign came out - and it said, "Adulterers Need Not Apply" - I was QUICKLY informed by Oregon Real Estate Board that my sign was "illegal" and that I could NOT NOT NOT deny the sale of my home to ANYONE for any reason that could be seen as discrimination.
Period.

So, I actually had to change the sign online to reflect that I would sell the home to *anyone* with a reasonable offer.  Period.  Done.  I wanted to sell my house... not get in trouble with anyone. lol

At the end of the day.... I don't actually *care* if you don't agree with how I live my life... I'm am TOTALLY FINE with people not wanting to be friends with me because of it... I will probably call you out on it... but I take NO ISSUE with anyone standing on their moral or religious convictions.
I really don't.

My only issue is that if someone feels strongly enough about their personal/religious beliefs that they unfriend me or deny someone the right to buy a cake... then they have to be willing to accept the social consequences of those actions.

Just the other day I heard from a friend who had been reading The Blog and she mentioned that she had actually heard from Never Enough *after* the thing happened and that they had run into Never Enough out socially.  Nothing was said while they were face to face, but later Never Enough texted this person to say that she and I were no longer friends and that there were "plenty of reasons" for this - reasons that Never Enough said I knew..... and that it was NOT NOT NOT because I was "gay".

My friend replied back, "That may be the case, but based on your actions and your husbands letter - it seems to *me* that you aren't friends with her because she's gay..... "

Which surprised the hell out of me... honestly.  My friends are just as bold and opinionated as I am - and I was surprised that that was their impression of the situation.  I don't know if those two will be friends or not... and it's totally fine if they are.... but Never Enough never responded to that text... so I'm guessing not.

At the end of the day - what you do matters.  People judge me ALL THE TIME for The Sign and The Book and The Blog... and I (now) keep doing it knowing the consequences.... (when it started I had no clue any of this would happen) - BUT.... by that same token, you don't get to refuse friendship and cake to people based on some moral authority just because *YOU* think God wants you to do that.

For the record, God always want you to:
Never Get a Tattoo:  
Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.Leviticus 19:28

Never Gossip:
Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.
Leviticus 19:16

Never Speak in a Church if you are a Woman:
Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. 
1 Corinthians 14:34-35

Never get a Haircut:
Ye shall not round the corners of your heads
Leviticus 19:27

So there you have it.... I didn't find any passages about denying queers friendship or cake... just for the record. :)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/04/sweet-cakes-by-melissa-controversy_n_3866216.html?ir=Gay+Voices

Tired, tired Mommy today.

Today was The Boy's first day of school!
We got out all our new school clothes (thanks Kohls!) - no.... seriously - they gave me a credit card and coupons.... makin' it happen for this single Mom! lolol

And then we took our usual pictures outside the house - and it was all I could do to get through it.
So I'm tired..... emotionally mostly. lol - so enjoy the slideshow... I'm off to bed to prepare for day two!

For the record - The Boy had a "wonderful" day - even though some boy in his class in a blue and white shirt told him that "only girls have long hair" and that "boys have short hair" and that The Boy should cut his hair.

The Boy replied, "Well, that's too bad... because I'm a boy and I have short hair."

For the record..... this *is* after he got a haircut yesterday. 
Sigh.... 

Well... at least he stood his ground.

So.  Something that I have long wondered about is sleeping…. well, not just sleeping, but more about sleeping arrangements.

El Capitan and I co-slept with both our kids from the day they were born.  Even in the hospital, they slept right in my arms and not in the clear plastic beddy thing.  Yuck.  We always wore full pajamas and stuff - and we never like … you know - "did" anything if the kids were in the room/bed with us.

With the introduction of new adults in our beds - I moved the kids away from co-sleeping a few months ago…. mostly because I didn't want them to resent one particular person and later "blame" them - like, "I got to sleep with Mom until "you" came along" kind of a thing… plus - at 8 and 4 - they were ready for their own space.

And then there was two nights ago.

We've been having a lot of thunder storms in our area and sometime in the middle of the night The Girl came into our room because she was crying and scared.  Hail Mary let her climb right in, of course - and she woke me up to let me know The Girl was with us…. but I tend to sleep like a log, so I only barely remember it.

Now, for *clarity* we were both in pajamas. I sleep in yoga pants and a shirt, Hail Mary in basketball shorts and shirt - so we weren't even in like 'sexy' pajamas…. I mean - either of us could have run to Safeway for batteries and no one would have noticed us….. hahahah

So, on I slept…. like a baby.

Hail Mary…. not so much.

The next day I woke up to a snoring Girl between us who had *most* of the blankets - and Hail Mary playing Words with Friends on her phone…. and apparently she had been for a while.

"I've learned," Hail Mary explained, "that I cannot sleep with fishes…. well - a starfish anyway.  Because sleeping next to [The Girl] is like sleeping next to a starfish."

I started to apologize….. but Hail Mary went on, "Except for the small fact that [The Girl] turns into a MMA fighter in her sleep and when she wasn't stiff-arming me, [The Girl] was punching me in the stomach and/or kicking me in the face."

So there you have it…. a Starfish MMA Fighter in a Rapunzel nightgown.

So Hail Mary didn't sleep.  At All.

Which I do, actually, feel terrible about because Hail Mary pointed out that I either I have no problem being punched and kicked in my sleep… or The Girl reserved those activities just for her…. but either way - I snored my way through the night.

I'm just so sexy….. sigh.

However, after our day got started I got to thinking about it all - how complicated it is.  Like, I wouldn't - and I don't think anyone else would - think anything about either of the kids coming in to my bed when it was El Capitan and I, but are things different now?

Will people judge us if the kids come into our bed on those stormy nights, or after a bad dream and want to snuggle……?  I mean - now it's a co-parent situation AND….. eeeggaaads - it's two girls in a bed which - for some people means we're obviously some kind of disgusting, perverted, sexual deviants.  Yes… there actually *ARE* people who believe that about people who have same-sex relationships.

It's kind of a bummer that I have to keep my guard up a bit and *think* about things like that….. when as a Mom my first instinct is to snuggle my kiddos whenever they need it. 

Pajamas are a must…… that's for sure. lololol

Hail Mary and I are still finding our way working together as co-parents.  She's got the bed time routine down pat… which is so great.  She really puts a lot of thought into how she deals with different situations - and then she'll question things later and ask if she should have done/said something different….. it really matters to her that that kids like her - that they want to be around her and want to spend time with her.

Which, I tell her is a bit silly because when The Girl is awake, she's busy dragging Hail Mary to the "play house" for tea parties of plastic fries and cups of air.  Hail Mary and The Girl are bonding quickly…. The Boy ….well, to be honest - I think we're all in a tough stop with him right now.

El Capitan went back to work, so they see their Dad less.  We moved so there's that *huge* change, plus they see a lot less of The Bubbie and The Papa now….. and then there's starting public school.

Sigh.

That's a lot for the little man to take on…. and I'm not entirely sure that I'm navigating these changes as smoothly for him as I could.  I try to talk to him, ask him to journal, etc…. but he kind of clams up a bit.  I only he's struggling because he's been talking back a bit and stuff.

I hope I find a way to better connect with him soon…. how do you keep telling and showing your kids (as they get older) that they mean the world to you….?  Other than telling him, taking him on special adventures and doing my best to dote on him emotionally and otherwise… I'm not sure what else I can do.

The Bubbie talks to him a lot, and he say's he likes living at Hail Mary's house - and that he likes Hail Mary - but that he's worried about school and bullies and stuff….. but, I don't want to just take him at hi word. Kids are smart.  The Boy knows that I love Hail Mary and I'm not entirely sure he *would* say something if he was unhappy because he wants *me* to be happy…..

Sigh.  Being a parent was hard enough…. being a divorced parent is even harder.

However, when we took the kids to Oaks Park for a final summer hooray - both kids fought over who got to ride the rides with Hail Mary - and in the end, we had to start switching back and forth between us so they each got to ride rides with her and I. 

I'm guessing kids who are unhappy and don't like someone don't demand to go on The Scrambler and The Spider with the person they don't want to be around…. so there's that.  I think that's part of getting this right - is not just looking at their words, or their moods, but taking into account their actions as well…. so based on everything, I think our road is a little bumpy at the moment, but that we're all headed in the right direction…..

Or at least I hope to f*ck we are….. lololol

In other news…. The Boy starts his first day of public school tomorrow…. and I'm two parts nervous, one part throwing up and one part excited.  I'm soooo hoping this works out for him… how do parents *do* this????? I mean - I know that more people send their kid to public school than homeschool… but our whole world has been homeschool and now…. it's not.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

Really tough.  For both of us.

He has new Tony Hawk clothes, new VANS for the feet and a new Tony Hawk backpack….  which I hope is ok for 8 years old…. The Boy is pretty nervous - The Girl however is pretty much stomping her foot and demanding to know when *she* gets to go to school, too.  As you do, of course, when you're a Starfish MMA Fighter…. just takin' the world on without fear or hesitation. lol

Yeah…. just like her Mama. J

You know… the thing about being a lesbian - at least the way that I "became" one - is that I wasn't really prepared for how….. different it would be to date a girl.

Of course there are the obvious differences…. one has boobs and the other doesn't.  (And yes, I realize men have 'male members' - however, most any lesbian has a drawer full of those in various shapes, colours and sizes. Which…. I'm not gonna' lie:  that's kind of handy.

Aside from the obvious body differences - dating and/or being with girls is really a whole different ball game…. at least it is for me.

This morning for breakfast Hail Mary made us pancakes - and mine came with a pancake drizzle 'heart' on top…. and like - that was it.

Just a heart.

Out of pancakes.

On top of my pancakes.

And a sweet smile because she was super proud of herself.

There was no lingering 'wink-wink' like there usually is with a guy after such a romantic gesture…. like she was "expecting" something from me in the bedroom later…. she just wanted to do something sweet.  That's all.

Okay…. so may be a few of you are shaking your heads and saying…. "My husband/boyfriend would do that and not be 'expecting' anything…." - but I bet *more* of you are nodding along with me…. there would have been hopes for a blow job in there somewhere if *any* man I ever dated made me a heart shape anything…..

I don't know.  May be because I was less inclined to want to be sexually intimate with men - and therefore I was 'looking' for things……?  Like, maybe I was reading into gestures for 'expectations' - because deep down I wasn't too nuts (pun intended) about having to put out?

IT's hard to say….. I mean - woman always joke about guys bringing them flowers or presents out of the blue and it's like either they *want* something or they *did* something they have to apologize for…. so I can't be too far off base (or… there are *a lot* more closet lesbians out there than anyone wants to admit. lolol)

I kind of feel like Hail Mary is always doing things for me - just because…. which is kind of awesome.

Of course, it hasn't been all heart shaped pancakes… we've had a few bumps in the road but even then, there's always lots and lots and lots of talking….. about feelings and perceptions and communication and mis-communication….. which is just so much easier on me.  It's so great to be with someone who stops what would usually become an angry screaming match and say's…. "Oh, I thought when you said *this* that you meant *that* - now I can see why we aren't connecting….."

Crazy.

Or, one day we did have a tiff on the phone and we were supposed to meet up for a social event and instead Hail Mary called and met me to run my errands before hand - she said that we were in a "bad space" and that we shouldn't walk into a social setting in a 'bad space', but instead we should take a few minutes to talk face to face and get back to our usual 'happy space' together…. and *then* go to the event.

It was just walking around Wal-Mart, but she was right.  After a few minutes of just being around each other, we were back in our usual place… and went on to be social in happy moods.

Hail Mary is wise.  Very wise.

She doesn't know this…. so don't go telling her. lololol

She always holds my hand…. which is super nice.  However, TWO TIMES no at the local Red Robin we've gotten "the look"….. what's the look you ask?  IT's "Those Are LESBIANS" look.  You would think that in 2013 gay people wouldn't get stared at in public anymore…. but we totally do.

The first time we were sitting side by side in the booth and just eating and talking and Hail Mary planet a few sweet kisses (no tongue…. that would be gross in public in my humble opinion lol) - and there was a huge family sitting across the way from us. 

For a while the Dad stared.  Then he said something to this teenage son who stared.  Who told the Mom who turned her hear 180 degrees in her seat to stare…. which lead to the other adults at the table all taking turns and whispering to each other…..

Sigh.

So Hail Mary, who had grown sick of being stared at for doing *exactly* what they were doing: eating dinner at a table - gave them a huge smile and a wave….. and they were *still* staring… so then I planted a big one on Hail Mary and they finally all turned around and made an effort not to look over again….   I mean - even the waitress noticed it!  lol

Then Saturday we were leaving a football game, just walking on the driveway and holding hands and a college guy was walking towards us making rather lewd and suggestive hand gestures about us (Cleary) being lesbians….  we just kept walking, but Hail May said she had a few 'hand gestures' she wanted to share with him… but we just kept walking.

It's amazing to me, even in Portland, how much we get stared at.  How many people nudge whoever they are with to whisper and nod in our direction, it's like "Step Right Up And See With YOUR OWN EYES Two (rather non-descript) LESBIANS - in the flesh!"

I don't care, mind you.  I spent far too many years not being proud of who I was…. I'm certainly not willing to trade who I am now - or the pride I have about who I am with - just because it makes me some kind of Social Circus Attraction for some people.  That's fine…..

I just wish people would understand how much what I am now is…. *normal* for me.  It feels natural because… it *is*.  No one "made" me this way - no one "made" Hail Mary this way…. we just *are* this way.

I am lucky enough to have found someone who accepts me and everything about me - and loves me anyway - that's kind of rare and awesome and amazing….  and may this will last forever and may be it already has some unknown "Sell By" date stamped on it…. but either way, I'm going to enjoy being with her and being loved by her… and yes that means I'm going to hold her hand in public.  Anyone on the planet who takes issue with that can look at the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the passing cars, the menu, the pictures on the wall… whatever.  The world is a big place - there are plenty of things once can do other than stare at something they don't like or don't approve of. 

It happened to me once at Wal-Mart- in the soup aisle I believe.  The Boy saw two women together and whatever they did he figured out that they were "together" and he was just sitting there staring and staring and then he said something about them being together - sounding surprised.  So I took that opportunity to say to him that they *WERE* indeed two women - two "Moms" - and that that was like just like "our" family (at the time with El Capitan) - and that their family just had two Moms.

The Boy replied…. "cool", and we were on our way with a smile and a nod from the two women. 

Sometimes, I feel like we've come so far… and then it seems like we have so much farther to go … I know that *I've* come a long way… but we all have a long way to go on this new path - starting with The Boy's FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL on Wednesday!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow he gets tested to see where he is at and discuss what grade they would like to put him in…. so send the little man lots of positive thoughts tomorrow!!!!!

Happy First week of school everyone! )

Click here tSo.We are all moved in.  Okay…. let me re-phrase that for a second…. our *boxes* are all moved in, however, most of them remain unpacked and still taped shut. lol

I'm still working so that means traveling back to The Bubbie to drop off The Girl and then to go a job, which is 45 minutes in one direction…. *and* that's assuming I didn't hit the butt-loads of traffic that "sometimes" happen…. in the last week alone I sat in 9 hours of TRAFFIC.

Sigh.

I know… I know- I can hear the LA readers screaming at their screens - "ONLY 9 hours!?!?!" lol… but for the Portland Metro area - that's *a lot* of traffic - and it's going to take some getting used to for me and the kids.  Ideally, we won't be traveling back and forth every day, but mainly on the weekends. 

So, to the begging question…. where are we? 

Well, we have moved in to a house with Hail Mary.  It was actually her idea (one she might regret, eh? lol) - and like I said in the moving post, after reading up on the local school, it was decided by everyone involved - myself, Hail Mary, The Bubbie & Papa and El Capitan - that this would be a good opportunity for The Boy to take advantage of.

Even for a couple of love-struck lesbians…. this timeline is a wee bit on the close side.  However, waiting until The New Year or next year was something that The Boy's counselor advised against strongly in regards to making a positive change for him.  When it came down to it - there were really no downsides to moving and way more positives.

Of course, the major downside being if things don't work out with Hail Mary - it's a loss for the kids and a loss for me as well…. mind you- *most* people aren't all that worried about *ME*! lol…. but a few people were like, "What if you involve her with the kids and it ends and she leaves…..?"

I'm like… yeah - we already *got* that t-shirt…. right?

Of course, I worry about that - right?  That's why I wrote our divorce papers the way I did, because I wanted to keep them from meeting a slew of people that El Capitan or I were dating… I wanted to protect them from that kind of change or potential turnover. 

What I have learned, above all else, in the last 16 months is that I actually only protect my children from f*ckall.  F*ck. All.  Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

It's hard to learn to accept that as a parent - after all the Attachment Parenting and baby-wearing and breast feeding….. you think you have so much 'control'… but the truth is, I have no control.  I can't control what their Dad does or how various people's decisions will affect them (or not) in the future.  All I *can* do is try as hard as I can to give them the tools (emotional and otherwise) that they will need to deal with….. life.

It's hard to fall in love at 38 with two kids under your feet…. there's not really enough time for just the two of you when there are four of you around all the time.  On top of that, my time and attention is split and if the kids are home and around, they kind of take pole position in my thoughts and decisions and conversations…. which Hail Mary understands.
I'm pretty lucky for that.

Understanding as she is, it's sometimes hard for both of us to find time to connect when we're running around all day working and whatnot…. we tend to just fall asleep… or rather, I'm pretty good at falling asleep. lolol…..

Of course, there's always fear…. right?  I mean, now it's not just *me* falling in love - it's the kids, too.  They'll spend more and more time with Hail Mary and months or years or decades from now…. if it doesn't work:  it's their love that's lost, too.
Which sucks.  A Lot.

But…. there are no guarantee's in life. As much as I want to believe in everything Edward promises to Bella… there really are *NO* "forever's" in this life.  At least not for us mere mortals, anyway.  And, in spite of anything you *might* have heard at Church or read about online - lesbians are actually just mere mortals.  lol

It really comes down to some advice Janda gave me.  She said, "Stop looking for forever, and just look for someone you have fun with - date them and see what happens."  I suppose, in a way, I'm always been looking for 'forever' - but that's what girls do.  Raised on healthy diet of Disney fairy tales and John Cusak films, I've always looked at potential mates with my 'forever' glasses on.  Which, I think is kind of wrong.

I thought El Capitan was forever.  I was pretty sure of it.  In fact, if you had asked me one hour before I saw that first text message - I would have *confidently* told you that El Capitan was for forever.  With A Doubt…. and we all know where that got me.

Hail Mary started as a friend of a mutual friend. 

We met and she was…. interested.  Bella said Hail Mary was throwing me all kinds of 'looks' and 'signals', but I wasn't very receptive because Hail Mary is younger (quite a bit younger) - and I just assumed that when she found out I had kids that she wouldn't be interested.

So I saw her around at different lesbian events and she messaged me on facebook about something… then we were messaging about movies and music and somehow I ended up meeting her for the first movie- where the Mall Cops threatened us with $600 fines if got naked in the parking lot.  lol.  I still think that's funny.

But… it was just a few nights after that we had our "first date" - and then our second date…. and our first date went on as long as our 'friend date' - with the two of us talking… and kissing - until it was 3am and we both had to drive home from the restaurant.  (Side Note:  it's super cute, but Hail Mary actually *asked* me if she could kiss me.  After five *hours* of talking and laughing at dinner and another HOUR of me leaning up against my car in the most 'casual but my face looks really good from this angle' way.... just *waiting* for her to kiss me... she still *asked* me, "Is it okay if I kiss you now?"  Umm... yes... hell yes! lolol)

The second "official" date though…. Hail Mary made me pizza at her place and she had noticed that I always get strawberry lemonade when we go out - so, she had bought the stuff to make lemonade from scratch and *then* she bought fresh strawberries and raspberry's which she crushed by hand to mix into the lemonade.

Now - *that* really was sweet enough.  Pizza with two halves with different toppings because she wasn't sure what I would like… butch girls are so thoughtful.

More than the lemonade was the fact that Hail Mary had placed some of her homemade mixture into an ice cube tray - and I had strawberry/raspberry lemonade ice cubes.

Done.  Sold. Hooked…. that was my "Cliff Elevator" moment…… (Okay - in Singles - Janet is in love with Clifff the entire movie…. she pines and gets over him - and Cliff is kind of a douche.  Then he falls in love with Janet but she's over him…. but allll along - she had said that her *one* thing, her one 'wish' - was that she would sneeze and her Mr. Perfect would say "bless you."  At the end of the movie Cliff is in the elevator with a now indifferent Janet… she sneeze's… he says it - just to be polite - and she jumps his bones and they make out then and there.)

So … yeah - the ice cubes hadn't really hit the bottom of the glass before Hail Mary had my arms wrapped around her…. butch girls got game.  Seriously.  And hey…. don't judge - it was technically the *third* date, so kissing is well in order at this point.

But that's generally what I really like about Haily Mary.  She really thinks about what the people around her need - whether it's family or friends or whoever…. she puts a lot of thought and effort into being there for the people in her life.  We're a bit similar that way….. we kind of take care of people in the same way - which means, …. drum roll please:  Hail Mary takes care of me the way I have always taken care of other people.  Which is amazing.

I'm afraid to say much else…. what if this doesn't work out?  Do I really want to be the 'scorned and bitter lesbian'?  Hmm… probably not. lololol

But, at the same time…. I wish I could tell you … show you how amazing being with Hail Mary is.  How when she kisses me - oh… and she *loves* to point this out to me - that I almost always have to pause to catch my breath because… to be honest:  she kind of still takes it away.

True story.

The best I can do, is share this with you……. enjoy.